Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  I don’t want to lie to her but I know she worries about me and I can’t have that. Shaking my head, I say, “Mom, he doesn’t do anything to me. Everything is fine. I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not Violet. I know you’re not. Please, please leave him.”

  I let out a long breath and look away. “Mom, I can’t. I just can’t.”

  “Yes, baby, please. You can. You don’t deserve this. You’re better than this. Don’t let him hurt and control you any longer, sweetheart. Let me help you.”

  Tears rush to my eyes because that is what I want. I want my mom to help me, but I can’t risk anything happening to her. She may act like she could kill someone but she can’t. She couldn’t protect us. She’s small, like me, and I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to her when she was the one to tell me not to trust him at the beginning. Maybe it’s pride but I need to do this. I need to get myself out of this mess.

  I can’t look at her as I say, “I can’t. Not yet.”

  She squeezes my hands and I look up at her. “Yes, you can.”

  I shake my head. “No mom, I can’t. I’ve let him control everything. I have to get my money straight. I get paid great at the job I’m at right now. Let me save, let me figure things out. He doesn’t do anything bad to me, he just yells and throws things. I can handle it, but I promise I’m going to leave.”

  “How dare you lie to me like that? You don’t think I can see that black eye, Violet? What, did you run into a doorknob?”

  I cover my eye in shock. I thought I had covered it perfectly. I look away as a tear escapes down my cheek. Her hand reaches up and wipes my tear away before cupping my face. She then turns my face to look at her before she says, “I can’t be quiet anymore. I was quiet before because my mother said you’d fight your way out but you aren’t. You’re allowing him to control you, to hurt you, and I can’t take it anymore. I can help. Just let me. Let me help you, baby.”

  “It’s nothing, mom. I dropped a box on my face. He doesn’t do anything to me.”

  A look of disappointment comes over her face and it kills me. “Oh, Violet. Please stop lying to me.”

  “I’m not, mom. Please, I’m fine. I’m getting out of the situation, I just need time. I can handle it all. It’s not that bad, I promise.”

  You’re probably screaming at me, asking why I’m lying to my mom like this, but I have too. She’s mourning and I can’t have her worrying about me anymore than she already is. If I admit what’s going on, she’ll flip, fly down to Tennessee and then my mom will go to jail. I know that you think that is probably best, but I beg to differ. I plan to get out of this situation and, like I told her, I just need time. I need to get my money straight. I can’t depend on her when I come home. She has enough to worry about. Plus, I need to figure out how I’m going to get away from him with a clean break. I need to be able to leave and not have to look behind my back every second of the day.

  When she drops her hand from my face, I take a hold of it and say, “Except for Rob, I have it good in Tennessee. Just give me some time, mom. I’m figuring it out, but I need you to believe in me, to hold tight. I got myself in this mess. Let me get out of it.”

  She looks down at our hands as a tear slowly rolls down her cheek. “I can’t lose you, Violet.”

  I wrap my arms around her shoulders and kiss her cheek. “You’re not, Mom. You won’t.”

  She leans her forehead against mine, and we stay like that for a long time, just holding each other until she says, “Okay, I’ll let you handle it, but I hope that you’re telling me the truth, Violet, that you’re leaving him. He doesn’t deserve you and I’d hate to come to Tennessee and kill that bastard, ‘cause I will.”

  I want to smile. My mom is so strong, so beautiful and I know that is in me. I just have to find it.

  “I promise.”

  She doesn’t say anything to me as she looks out the window before letting out a long breath. As I watch her, I’m not sure she believes me but then again, I don’t even believe myself.

  Tomorrow is here and I’m nervous as hell.

  My plane came in too late for me to go to work so I have to go home and that’s the last place I want to be. It takes me two tries to get my door open because my hands are shaking so bad. Just the sight of Rob’s car has me both terrified because I don’t know what I’m about to walk into and pissed me off because that stupid car took my savings. I would give anything to go slash his tires, to kick the bumper, but what the hell would that accomplish?

  Nothing, unfortunately.

  I finally get my key in the door and open it. Stepping inside, he is the first thing I see. He’s sitting in his chair watching TV, a bowl of something in his lap and a tall glass of milk in his hand. He’s wearing his scrub bottoms but no shirt. His dark hair falls in his eyes and when he looks over at me, I look away quickly before going to the kitchen to lay down my keys and phone along with my purse that holds some of the clothes I bought in Colorado. I fidget as I take my clothes out of my purse and throw them in the back room to be washed. With shaking hands, I grab a bottle of water before going back to the counter to lean against it. Watching him.

  I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to act. It’s as if I’m walking on eggshells, waiting for something to happen. I know it’s coming and I just want it to happen so it can be over. I close my eyes as I take in a deep breath. I’m so nervous that I’m sick to my stomach and I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. Even if I knew what to say, I’m pretty sure it won’t help the situation, but then again, maybe I’m over reacting. He isn’t getting up, he hasn’t said anything to me. Maybe he doesn’t care. But that doesn’t feel right. The tension is thick in this room and it’s freaking the hell out of me.

  Looking down at the counter, I try to gather my wits but then I see an opened letter with a well-known Colorado lawyer’s letterhead. Picking it up, I read the letter. There’s a case against Rob for the assault and battery of Dr. Reeves. The letter is a subpoena for Rob to appear in court back in Colorado next week and failure to appear can result in a warrant.

  I jump when he snatches the letter from my hands. When I look up, Rob is glaring at me before he throws the paper in the trash. He dumps his bowl in the sink before turning to look at me.

  “Are you going to go back to Colorado?” I ask trying to act as if I’m not scared shitless of him.

  “Nope, I can’t get off of work. Don’t you worry your little head about it though, it doesn’t concern you,” he says before crossing his arms across his chest. “What I want to know is how you got back to Colorado? Did your mom pay for it?”

  “Yes,” I say without hesitation. I’m not stupid, I know you may think differently but I’m not.

  “Didn’t I tell you that you couldn’t go?”

  I shake my head. “No, you said you didn’t have any money and then hung up on me. Not once did you say I couldn’t go. I wasn’t going to miss my grandma’s funeral so I asked my mom.”

  “I’m pretty sure I said you couldn’t.”

  “You didn’t,” I say.

  “Whatever, she didn’t love you anyway. I don’t know why you wasted your time or your mom’s money.”

  Rage rips through me, and I swear I can only see red as I sneer out, “That’s a fucking lie and you know it.”

  He laughs looking off to the side. When he comes off the counter, I take a step back but the way the kitchen is set up, the counter makes a L shape and I am stuck in the corner with nowhere to go. When he reaches for my face, I smack away his hands and I guess that surprises him because he stops, his eyes wide as he glares down at me.

  “Did you just hit me?”

  “I don’t want you grabbing on to me,” I say, my voice breaking as I look up at him.

  “What the fuck is your problem?” he yells, making me jump.

  I try to act like he doesn’t faze me, but I know it isn’t working. My hands are up, trying to protect my face and my chest is rapidly rising
and falling. Swallowing loudly, I say, “You have to stop hitting me. It isn’t right and I don’t deserve it. People are starting to notice, people are asking questions.”

  He glares before saying, “Do I look like I fucking care about the people asking questions or if they notice? You are mine.”

  “You don’t own me, Rob,” I whisper, shaking my head.

  Why I said that is beyond me. I should have just agreed, walked away but instead I say that. Within second his face is red, his hands are shaking and he towers over me. He smacks away my hands, wraps his fingers around my throat and starts to squeeze. I reach up, trying to pull his hand away but he presses his body against mine, holding one of my hands up as he continues to squeeze. I can’t breathe, my vision is spotty and I know this is it.

  He is going to kill me.

  But then he lets go and I gasp for breath, holding on to the counter for support as tears fall from my eyes. He then takes me by my chin and says, “The fuck I don’t. I own you, I tell you what to do, and you do as I say or you will get what you deserve. You deserve to be knocked around ‘cause you don’t fucking listen. It’s as simple as that.”

  I take in lungful of air as I slide down the back of the counter to the floor, balling up and holding myself tight. My body is shaking and my head is throbbing. I feel him looking at me, I feel his body heat and when I open my eyes, I find him crouched down, his hands resting on his knees as he looks at me.

  “I don’t understand why you do this. Why do you talk back to me, Violet? Surely by now, you know how things go? You know that I am the man, the one that runs things and you are the one that does as I say. You’ve been so disrespectful lately, sort of like you were at the beginning of our relationship and just like then, I will beat the living fuck out of you until you break and submit to me. I will control every aspect of you or else.”

  Tear gush down my face as I look into his eyes. There is so much hate, so much anger and I don’t understand why.

  “Why do you do this to me? It’s obvious you don’t love me, let me go.”

  He shakes his head. “Love has nothing to do with it, Violet. This is about what is mine. I do this because you don’t listen, you don’t do as I say. When I married you, you were the perfect little wife but over the years you have become worthless and sometimes I can’t stand the sight of you but I’m not giving up. My perfect little wife is in there.”

  “No, she’s not,” I whispered. “This is me, and I can’t keep taking this.”

  “What are you going to do? Leave?”

  When I don’t say anything, he just laughs. “That’s right, you won’t. You can’t really, ‘cause if you do, I’ll kill you. It’s that simple.”

  I shake my head. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know why I am fighting back but I am. I have too.

  “No, it’s not,” I say causing his eyes to narrow.

  “No?”

  “No, it’s not simple at all.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “Because I don’t deserve this.”

  Nothing is said as he holds me in his intense hate filled gaze. “You don’t think so? Who told you that? Your fucking mom? Maybe that dickhead of a doctor you work with?”

  My voice is shattered and dry as I say, “No, this is me. I don’t want to be hurt by you anymore. I can’t take it.”

  He opens his mouth to say something but his phone rings. Standing up, he takes his phone out his pocket and then checks the screen before answering it. I’ve never seen him answer the phone so quickly. I want to ask who it is, but I don’t want to give him any more reason to hurt me.

  “Hello, yeah, I’m leaving in a minute, I’ll see you in a bit. K, bye.”

  I’m watching him and my body is still shaking uncontrollably. Tucking his phone into his scrub bottoms, he glances down at me as he shakes his head. I don’t know why, but I’m not surprise when his foot connects with my ribs causing me to cry out before wrapping myself up in a ball. In a way I was asking for it. I should have just agreed, let him think he controlling this while I try to find a way out. It seems as if I’m wasting my time though. He has made it blatantly clear that I have no out and every time his fist, feet or anything else connects with my body, I feel like getting away from him is more and more out of my reach. I should have stayed with my mom. I was stupid to come back but then again, that doesn’t feel right either. I need to do this on my own. I can’t run. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet and fight back. I have to or I’ll hate myself forever.

  Holding myself as the tears continue to fall down my face, pain shoots through my side and chest. I don’t think I can move but when he crouches down again, getting in my face, I find myself balling up tighter before backing up against the counter.

  “Do I look like I care what you can take?”

  When I don’t answer, he shakes his head.

  “That’s what I thought,” he says. He then he takes my face roughly in his hands before saying, “Tell everyone that is so concerned with your home life to back the fuck up and if you tell anyone, I swear, Violet. Things will not be good for you.”

  I didn’t realize they were good for me now but I don’t say that. Instead I lay on the floor, holding myself as tears drip down my face onto the hardwood floors.

  Something has to change. It has to before I give up.

  The next day, I’m sitting on a bench in one of the examining rooms as Tucker softly probes my ribs. Through the night, the pain got worse and taking aspirin wasn’t working. I didn’t want to go to the ER because it’s at the hospital at which Rob works and word would get to him that I went in. That would get me in more trouble so instead I asked Tucker to take a look for me. Something tells me that Tucker doesn’t believe my lie about falling down the stairs at the airport. He seems to always see through my lies and I am just waiting for him to say something. It’s coming, I can feel it. I just don’t know what I’m going to do when it does.

  “I think you broke a rib and if you did, you have every right to sue the airline, you know,” he says as his fingers dance over my ribs. I know this is not the time to get turned on but this man has some kind of power over me and my stomach has turned itself into a swarm of butterflies.

  Looking up at him, I nod as I say, “Yeah, but I tripped. I doubt I can sue for that.”

  “You can say the stairs were icy?” he says with a grin.

  I smile. “You want me to lie, Dr. McCloud?”

  “Nah, I was just joking but yeah, I’m going to send you get an X-ray and then I’ll confirm it but there really isn’t anything I can do but prescribe you some pain meds.”

  “That’s fine, thanks.”

  “No problem,” he says before sitting down at the counter and writing a script. I sit up, pulling my shirt down as he hands me the script. As I try to get off the bench, Tucker’s hand comes towards me to help. I take his warm hands in mine and smile when my feet hit the ground.

  “Thanks so much, I guess I’ll go over and get that done, and then get back to work,” I say as I reach for the door.

  “Hey, Violet.”

  “Yeah?” I ask turning to look at him.

  “I ran into Rob yesterday at the hospital.”

  My smile falls and I can only blink. “Okay?”

  “Well, I really didn’t want to tell you, but the more I think about it the more it bothers me. Especially with us going to the conference this weekend. I don’t want him thinking things that aren’t true.”

  “I’m confused. What did he say?” I ask even though I’m pretty sure I know exactly what was said.

  “Rob threatened to rearrange my face if he finds out anything is going on between us. Even though the thought of him rearranging anything on me is comical, I assured him that nothing has happened between us, but he didn’t seem to believe me. He told me not to touch you and to stay away from you. Instead of entertaining his assumptions, I walked away. I really didn’t want to beat up your husband. I doubt you’d appreciate that.”r />
  Actually, I would appreciate that very much. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why he does this. He’s very jealous.”

  “I get that because if I was married to someone as beautiful as you, I’d be too.”

  It’s the second time he has said that and, just like the first, my heart flutters and the butterflies in my stomach form a tornado. I don’t know what to say and before I can even utter anything, he says, “But that’s beside the point. The main reason I bring this up is because I suspect that he is more than just jealous.”

  The butterflies still and my heart is beating so loud, I can hear it in my ears.

  “I’m sorry?”

  He looks away, moving his hands together before taking in a deep breath. Turning to look at me I can tell he is struggling with what he wants to say. “I may be completely out of line and might be wrong, but I have to ask because I care about you, Violet. A lot and well…” He pauses again as he holds my gaze. I’m frozen in place because I know what is about to come out his mouth and I have no clue what I’m going to say. I whip through every excuse I know, every reason for why his assumptions are so off that it isn’t even funny, but I can’t bring myself to find them. He’s right and a part of me wants to admit that but if Rob has already threatened him, the next step is hurting him and I can’t let him hurt Tucker. I just can’t.

  Meeting his gaze, he asks, “Violet, is Rob hitting you?”

  I start to say something but nothing comes out. I know I’m moving my lips but no words are leaving them. Tucker is watching me, waiting for my response and I have no clue why I’m unable to answer him. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to lie anymore. I don’t want to hide. I need help and, as much as I don’t want to involve him, maybe I should. But like any other time I’ve started to talk, we’re interrupted when the door opens and Elizabeth, the receptionist, pops in her head.

  “Dr. T, your dad is calling, says it’s important.”

  Tucker eyes leave mine to look at Elizabeth before saying, “Okay, I’ll take it in here.”