Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  “Come on big guy, let’s get you to bed,” I say with a smile. Blaine smiles back at me, leaning against me as we walk toward the exit. As we walk, Tucker and Blaine make plans to get together the following weekend to spend some time with Nicky; all I can think about is what Blaine said. I never want to hurt Tucker and the thought of walking away is inconceivable. He has given me light when all I saw was black before. He’s here when I need someone and he’s also giving me a great opportunity by allowing me to work for him. After Blaine’s comment, I’m scared that I’m using him for my own selfish needs. That I’m latching onto the only person that treats me well, but that doesn’t feel right. I’m not that person. I really do care for him. I would do just about anything for him and I plan to once I’m away from Rob. I would give him all of me and then some as soon as I’m away from Rob and I heal. I’ve done my research and I can’t jump out of an abusive relationship and think that Tucker and I will survive. I want a fighting chance with him and I want to be the woman he deserves. I just have to get there and I will.

  I’m just scared he won’t wait for me.

  When we reach Blaine’s room, Tucker opens the door and lets him in, laying him on the bed.

  “Do you want me to undress you?” Tucker asks, running his hand through his hair. I can tell he is nervous, maybe even embarrassed.

  “Nope, I’m good. Y’all go on, have a good night.”

  “Alright. Good night, Blaine,” Tucker says walking back towards the door.

  “Night bro. See ya later, Violet.”

  I smile over at him, receiving a goofy grin from him as I say, “it was great meeting you, Blaine.”

  “Likewise. And I mean what I say, you”re the most gorgeous girl he has ever been into.”

  I smile as Tucker groans. “Thanks man.”

  “No prob, now leave me be,” he says before he promptly drops his head into the pillow.

  I hold back my laughter as I walk out with Tucker behind me. Shutting the door, he shakes his head before looking over at me. “Sorry about that.”

  “What?”

  “He likes to drink a little too much sometimes,” he says as we head for the elevators.

  “That’s fine, no big deal.”

  Tucker shoots me a grin as we get on the elevator and go up to our floor. “Did you have fun?”

  I nod as I beam up at him. “Yes, it was a beautiful night.”

  “Good, I’m pleased,” he says.

  “Did you have fun?”

  Fire swirls in his eyes until they’re smoldering and I’ve turned into a veritable pile of human mush. “I did. Anytime I’m with you, I have a great time.”

  I look away, breathless, as the doors open and we step out. As we walk toward our room, something seems different. My body is humming and my heart is racing as our doors come into view. Stealing a peek up at Tucker, a content smile rests on his upturned lips as he looks ahead of us. He is gorgeous, and I wish that I could just go up on my tippy toes and taste his beautiful mouth. Feel his scruff under my fingers before running my tongue along the hollow of his neck. I know for a fact that if our lips touch, I wouldn’t be able to stop.

  I want him.

  Bad.

  It’s the alcohol, damn wine and shots! It’s heightening my hunger for him and making me want to act on my need for him when, in my sober state, I’m able to hide it just fine. What I need to do is go straight to bed and put all these feelings of want and desire back where they belong. No stupid mistakes, Violet. I have to push through the hazy thoughts and remember what’s at stake here.

  But when we reach our doors, I turn to look at him and I’m stunned by what I see. His eyes are dark and glued to mine. Reaching out, he takes my face in his hand and with a low voice he says, “You deserve the world, Violet, the whole damn thing and I know I can give it to you.”

  I close my eyes as my heart sings for this man. “Things are a mess right now.”

  Leaning towards me, I can feel his breath on my face and then he says, “Then let me fix them.”

  Before I can answer, tell him that he can’t help me, that this is all on me, his lips are on mine, kissing me and instead of pulling away, I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back.

  Somehow we find our way inside before he pushes me up against the wall, holding me up with his own body. My hands are in his hair, his hands holding my ass while we both get lost in sloppy kisses. I’ve never felt like this. So out of control. I want to feel every inch of him all at once. My hands are shaking for their chance. His mouth is hot and his hands quick, touching me everywhere. Finding the control I need, I move my hands down his body, feeling each of his muscles through his shirt and jacket before pulling his jacket down. Taking a hold of his shirt, I rip it open, causing buttons to fly. As I move my hands down his exquisite body, I look up to see that his eyes are shut, basking in the sensation of my hands on him. I’m basking in it, too. He’s solid muscle and I want every piece of him in my mouth. It’s as if his body is a song, singing only to me, begging me to do what I please.

  “I’ve been waiting for a long time for this,” he whispers. He reaches for the hem of my dress, whipping it up and over my head and leaving me in nothing but my black panties and bra. I know I should stop, I need to stop but I can’t. I just can’t. I’m drowning in him, and I can’t see through the desire clouding my head.

  I want him.

  I need him.

  Now.

  Pulling away, I kiss down his neck. His head falls back as his hands squeeze my ass gently. Meeting my mouth to his again, he moves away from the wall, carrying me until we fall onto my bed, his body covering mine before I capture his mouth with a hungry urgency again. I could get lost in his kisses. I could do nothing else in my life but kiss this man and I would be okay with that. They’re intense and I find myself completely addicted to them. Why did I wait so long to do this? What the hell was I thinking?

  His hands are soft against my skin, tender as they move up my rib cage to my breasts. Softly he squeezes and molds my breasts causing me to arch against him, begging for more and boy does he give it to me. Pulling the cup of my bra down, his mouth replaces his hand and I cry out when his tongue circles my hard peaks. Warmth floods between my legs and I find myself thrashing under his hungry mouth. Moving his mouth back to mine, I groan against his lip when he presses his hardness into me.

  Oh my God, I want this man so bad.

  When his hands move up my thighs, I want to scream out to keep going, take me, but then that all changes when fingers dance along the crotch of my panties. I quickly tense up as his lips dust along my throat. My heart constricts and I can’t breathe. What did I think was going to happen when we fell into this bed? Tucker must have felt me tense up, because he sits up on his elbows, moving his hands along my face, moving my hair out of it while looking at me like I’m the most gorgeous girl in the universe.

  “Too fast?” he whispers, dusting his lips along mine.

  I feel my whole body flush with embarrassment as I look up into his face. How am I going to tell him this? I can feel the length of him between my legs. He wants me as much as I want him and I’m pretty sure that it isn’t going to work. It never does. I’m broken. That asshole I married broke me for any other man out there and that has tears stinging my eyes before I look away from him.

  “Whoa. Whoa, Violet, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he asks, catching my tears with his thumb before bringing my face back up to look at him but I can’t. I can’t look into his beautiful face and admit that I’m broken. That I can never have the connection that men and women have been practicing since the beginning of time. I’m sure that as soon as I admit it he’ll think I’m worthless, just like Rob does.

  Why did I let this happen?

  “Violet, look at me.” But I won’t. When he moves so that our eyes meet, I close my eyes as the tears leak out and down the side of my face. God, I feel so stupid.

  “Tell me what’s wrong? You can tell me. I care so much a
bout you, Violet, I won’t hurt you. We can stop. I won’t be mad, just please, tell me what’s wrong. Let me fix whatever it is.”

  Can I believe him? Can I trust him?

  Yes.

  Yes, I can. I know what he says is true because it’s Tucker. He’ll understand. He’s nothing like Rob. Tucker is good, he is sweet and he would never hurt me.

  I open my eyes slowly and take in a deep breath as my lip wobbles. I’m scared and so embarrassed but somehow, I whisper, “I have Vaginismus. I haven’t had sex in eight months since being diagnosed with it.”

  I can see the confusion on his face as what I have just said sets in. When it finally does, concern fills his eyes before he cups my face, his lips only a whisper away as he says, “I don’t know how it is with Rob and I don’t care. This is about us, this is about the connection we have. I don’t need to have sex with you to feel the connection. I just have to be with you.”

  “But I’m broken,” I whisper.

  “You’ve been hurt, Violet, not broken, and I’m going to do everything I can to help fix you.”

  “You can’t fix me, Tucker, I’m-” I start but his lips stop me. His mouth moves against mine, moving his tongue along my bottom lip before dancing with mine. When he pulls back, a smile rests on his lips as he looks down at me.

  “I want to please you, Violet. Let me.”

  Tears are clouding my vision but thankfully, I can still see the amazing man that hovers above me. Slowly nodding, his smile grows before he kisses me again, his fingers lazily moving my panties down. When his midsection touches my bare center, I fight for oxygen, while his tongue runs down my neck to the spot between my breasts. My breathing is labored, my heart is about to come out of my chest but most of all, I am so fucking scared that it is messing with my head. I want to tell him to stop, but then I don’t, instead I want to scream for more.

  I’m confused and freaked out and feeling borderline bi-polar. It’s ridiculous, but then my bi-polarness is the last thing on my mind when his tongue dips into my belly button, before he leaves leisurely kisses along my belly. I feel like my whole body is on fire and I want more. I need more. Running my fingers through his hair, I close my eyes and try to relax but it isn’t working.

  Moving his fingers up my body, his hands rest right under my breast before he softly says, “Relax, Violet. I swear you’ll like this.”

  I nod with my eyes still closed tightly as I will myself to relax. It still isn’t working, but then his lips lightly kiss my moist flesh and everything stops. My heart, my mind, my world. Taking in a shuddering breath, I open my eyes and find him watching me. He bends his head down and places a whisper kiss to my flesh again before slowly running his tongue down the slit of my vagina. When his fingers slowly open me, I cry out as all my wanting becomes a reality. Moving his tongue inside me, he blows my world to pieces as he sucks and licks me in the most pleasurable way. I’m lost beneath his mouth. I don’t know if I should scream, thrash, or what, but I find myself doing all of those things.

  When I feel his fingers tease me, I tense up but I can tell he isn’t giving up. Cautiously, he works my opening while giving me the most unbelievably pleasure in the world. When I feel his fingers completely inside me, penetrating me, I cry out but not from pain. No, it’s pure, agonizing pleasure, and I want more.

  “Please don’t stop,” I cry out.

  “Never,” I hear him say and then he is skillfully fucking me with his fingers. I can’t breathe and I know my body is about to spontaneously combust. I’m lost in the passion and soon the pleasure is so intolerable that I’m screaming as my body squeezes his fingers while ripples of ecstasy flood through me. I heave for breath as he slows his fingers to a stop, his mouth pulling away from my throbbing clit before I feel his eyes on me but I can’t move. I haven’t come like that in ages and I feel unbelievable. So free. So beautiful. So loved.

  Tucker’s lips make their way up my body, kissing, licking, and sucking before he’s lying on me, moving my hair out of my face from when I was thrashing. Kissing my lips, I can taste myself on them and I don’t care one bit. This man has me.

  All of me.

  “See, I took care of you didn’t I?” he asks with a satisfied grin on his face.

  “More than you know,” I whisper as I move his hair out his eyes. It’s the first time I’ve seen it all crazy and out of whack. It makes this moment ten times better for some reason. When he moves his nose along mine, I feel so cherished. He then pulls back and looks into my eyes and I want to cry. I’m surrendering myself to this man in more ways than one and I’m not the least bit scared. I feel completely and utterly protected in his arms, and I want this. I do. It will work. It has too.

  “I want you inside me. I’m not sure it will work, but I want to try.”

  Holding my gaze, he slowly nods before kissing my nose. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  His mouth curves into a beautiful smile before he rolls of me and stands up. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his wallet and takes out a condom. Holding it with his teeth, he throws his wallet on the floor before unbuttoning his slacks and pushing them down along with his boxers. My eyes go wide when the size of him springs up for me to see. He is big, extremely big and I’m scared he won’t fit but then I mentally shake myself. I want this. He will fit. He’ll be careful.

  He watches me as he slowly slides the condom down his long shaft. “I’ll go slowly. I’ll be careful.”

  Swallowing loudly, I say, “I know.”

  Crawling back on the bed, he hovers over my body as places himself between my legs. Lying softly against me, he kisses me as his fingers tangle in my hair. I feel his hand at the back of my knee and then he is moving it up, bending it so I am completely open to him. Going up on his knees, I watch as his eyes roam along my body before he reaches out and runs his finger down my dripping wet center.

  Looking up into my eyes, he smiles before he asks, “you’re sure?”

  I nod quickly and, to my surprise, I’m not freaking out. I’m not even scared. I know this is going to work. Taking his shaft in his hand, he positions it and carefully enters me. I close my eyes, my fingers digging into the blanket as I take him, inch by beautiful inch, inside me. When he’s fully inside me, I open my eyes and his gaze is boring into mine.

  “You’re beautiful, Violet, so fucking beautiful.”

  This moment is so intense and I want to cry, I do, but somehow I push that to the back of my mind and I enjoy this exquisite man. I enjoy the pleasure he provides and soon, I’m actually moving with him. Heightening the splendor that our bodies create and I can feel myself about to come again. Arching my hips, he hisses, his fingers digging into my hips as he starts to go faster. The speed and angle is just right and instantly I’m coming, crying out as my body squeezes his. My fingernails bite into the backs of his biceps, but he doesn’t seem to care; he’s delved deeper into me with each rhythmic push. Moving in perfect unison, he groans out in blissful agony, stilling inside me as he explodes. I watch as his face contorts in different ways until his head falls back and I can’t see him again. Sweat drips down his body and his erratic breathing matches mine. Letting go of my hips, he moves his hands up on both side of my head before letting his body crash into mine, sweaty and warm, as we both try to catch our breaths.

  “I didn’t hurt you did I?” he asks and a smile instantly appears on my face.

  “Not at all.”

  “Good, sorry. I kinda lost it at the end.”

  I reach up and hold his face, running my thumb along his bottom lip. He playfully chases my thumb and bites it before smiling down at me. I smile back, my heart so full of happiness before I whisper, “it was perfect.”

  With the biggest grin ever on his face, he nods before saying, “yeah, it was, and I want more.”

  Me too.

  My body feels amazing.

  Perfect, even. The spot between my legs aches and so does most of my body. I haven’t been worked that hard or
experienced that much pleasure in a long time. The room is destroyed from us and a room service cart is parked beside the door from when we got hungry last night. It was one of the best nights of my life but even with the afterglow of it all, my fear has found a way to ruin it all.

  I’ve been lying in this bed, by this man, for the last six hours and three of those hours were spent making sweet, beautiful love while the other three consisted of me freaking the hell out.

  What did I do?

  How could I have done this?

  I had a plan. One that would help me get to where I need to be to not only be the woman Tucker deserves but also one I would love. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet. I want to make sure I never feel this fear again, ever. I want to be able to give myself completely to this man and never have to worry about watching our backs for Rob. I want to have money in the bank to have at my disposal, so I never have to depend on a man again. I want to be able to fight when I need to fight and most of all I want to love myself the way I used too. I’m getting there but now everything is blown to shit.

  I know Tucker. I know his personality and even though I wanted everything that happened last night, and in no way do I regret it, it was wrong. I not only cheated on Rob, but I also gave him free range to go on a killing spree if he wanted. I also broke my promise to Blaine. I said that I wouldn’t hurt Tucker and I know there’s no way I’m going to be able to walk out that door without hurting this man. But I have too. For his sake and mine. I have to protect him and I have to do this on my own or I’ll never be able to live with myself. I know something will happen to him if I allow this to go on and I can’t let that happen. I’d rather hurt him than ever let Rob get his hands on him.

  Pushing the blankets off me, I start to get out but Tucker’s arm comes around my waist, pulling me back into the bed and up against his chest. Kissing my neck to my jaw and then to my lips, I kiss back, even though I know I shouldn’t. It isn’t going to make it easier but I can’t help it. I love to kiss him and I’m not really sure when my lips will meet his next.