Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  It will probably be never.

  “Where are you going?” he asks, a smile on his lips as he runs his nose up and down mine.

  “I need to get dressed.”

  He shakes his head. “No, let’s stay in bed.”

  “I have to get home, Tucker.”

  Pulling back, his brows are together as he asks, “what? Why?”

  “Because Rob knows I’m coming home today; I have to get there,” I say, holding back my tears as I wiggle out of his arms and out of the bed. I can feel his eyes on me but I ignore them as I put on my bra. I have to get dressed. I have to get out of here.

  “Seriously?”

  I glance up at him and shrug my shoulders. “I’m sorry, Tucker, but I have to get back. I understand if you don’t want to drive me. I’ll rent a car, but I have to go back home.”

  Looking away, I reach for my panties and then my dress and when I turn, he’s pulling up his own boxers, a perplexed look on his face. I hate that I’ve put it there but I have to believe I’m doing the right thing.

  “Can you just stop for a minute, please?”

  Sliding my dress over my head, I turn to look at him. I take in the body I loved the night before and then looked up into the face of the person that will always have a special place in my heart. Even if he decides to hate me after this, I’ll always cherish him and maybe one day I can explain why I had to do this. And maybe, he’ll forgive me. God, I hope he will.

  “Yeah?” I ask.

  “Does what happened in that bed not matter?”

  I look away as I say, “the booze was flowing last night and I felt special, important. You wined me, dined me and I let the night get to me and fell into bed with you. Yes, it’s what I wanted, more than anything, and Tucker, you have to believe me when I say I’ll never forget what happened, but I’m not a cheater. I shouldn’t have done this. Not only does this hurt you and me, but if Rob finds out, I’m scared to even think what will happen, so please.”

  “Violet, please. I can protect you. I will always be there for you and I won’t ever let anything happen to you.”

  “You can’t protect me from him; he’s my husband.”

  “But he doesn’t deserve you,” he said a little louder, stepping in front of me, looking deep in my eyes. I’m holding back the tears but I’m not sure how much longer I can. I can see the hurt in eyes and I hate it. I don’t want to hurt him, not after all the good he has done for me and to me. “Violet, I don’t think you understand.”

  “No, I do, and I’m sorry. This should have never happened. I’m sorry I disrespected you. You deserve better than that,” I say and I mean every word.

  “No, I know you’re not a cheater, but the reason why you did it is because we belong together. When I said you don’t understand, what I meant is that you don’t understand how much my heart belongs to you. I’ve been completely yours since the moment our eyes met. I’ve never felt this intensely about someone and I don’t think I ever will again. Last night was everything I dreamed of. If you walk out that door, it will crush me.” Taking my face in his hands, I gasp before he whispers, “I promise I’ll never let you down. I’ll never hurt you, I’ll only love you. You deserve better than what he gives you. I can do better. I can give you the world because you are my world. I’m laying it all out, Violet. I love you and I need you to take a chance on me. Leave him. Be with me.”

  I knew fighting my tears wasn’t going to last long and soon they’re rushing down my face, over his hands and onto my dress. I didn’t realize until this moment that I have fallen for Tucker and this is going to be the hardest thing in the world, but I have to do it.

  Because I love him.

  Slowly shaking my head, I pull out of his reach and whisper, “I can’t Tucker. I’m sorry.”

  “Why? Why can’t you? I would treat you right, I would love you the way you deserve.”

  Looking away, I take in a deep breath. I hate what is about to come out of my mouth but I know it will be the thing to get me out this room. It will be the only thing that saves us both because it will hurt him and he will let me go. With that urging me on, I look back at him and say, “I love Rob.”

  “No,” he says, dropping his hands from my face and stepping back. His face is twisted in pain, his hand on his chest as if I’ve shot him square in the chest. My tears come faster down my face and my heart feels dead. How could I do this to him?

  “I don’t believe you.”

  Mustering up all the strength he gave me, I look over at him and say, “I do. I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen and I’m truly sorry, Tucker.”

  I turn to grab my shoes because I can’t take the way he’s looking at me. I have to get out of here before I tell him I’m lying, that I don’t love Rob, I love him. That I never want to see Rob’s face again, only his for the rest of my life, but I know I can’t. As I gather the rest of my things, he stands there, watching me with a gut-wrenching look on his face. Walking toward the door, I spare him one last glance and I wish I hadn’t.

  His face tells me the one thing I feared: there is no fixing what I’ve just done.

  The drive home was a haze to me. I don’t remember anything except that I cried the whole way. I did what I thought would help me in the long run, but in reality, I just made everything worse. So many times I wanted to turn around and go back to Tucker. Beg him to forgive me and to understand why I did and said what I did, but I knew it wouldn’t help. I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined the possibility of anything happening between us in the future and I have to live with that. Thankfully I’ll always have our night together but in a way I wish I didn’t.

  I broke him and it’s killing me.

  I’m not sure if what I did is right and I hate that I’m not as confident as I was when I was in that room with him. I knew what needed to be done, what had to happen, but now I feel like I’ve just fucked up everything and I’ll never have the chance of holding that man in my arms or feeling his lips on mine. I’m scared he’ll hate me for the rest of his life and I don’t know if I can live with that. I can’t help but think maybe I should just admit everything but I know I can’t.

  Like I’ve said before, Tucker, God, he is perfect, but he’s a fixer and he’ll want to fix it all. I mean, you heard him. He wants to put me back together but I can’t let him. I have to do it myself. You understand why I had to do it? Yeah, I know I should have skipped the sleeping with him part but the passion took over. I have been denying myself of this man for months and I couldn’t anymore. I need him and I can’t bring myself to regret any of it. I will always hold our night deep in my heart and I’ll never forget how amazing I felt being held by him, but I’m not sure how the hell I’m supposed to face him every day with the constant reminder of what I did.

  God, I’ve really messed up. I’ve not only lost the one person who was in my corner completely, my best friend, but I’ve lost my strength. Everything inside me is gone and I don’t want to go back home. I want to run and hope no one finds me but I know that won’t work. If I don’t come home, Rob will be after me in a New York second. I know his games and I know that he’s ignoring me because he’s mad I went, and when I walk inside my house the pain I’m inwardly feeling won’t match the pain he’ll cause me. I’ve prepared myself for this, I know it’s going to happen but I hate it. I am so tired of living like this but I can’t change it yet.

  I have to believe in myself. I hurt Tucker to protect him. I will walk into my house and take whatever Rob dishes out in the hopes that all this will be worth it in the end. It has to be. I have to have faith in that or I’ll give up. And I can’t give up, not after what I did to Tucker. I have to stay strong and I have to work toward my goal. Another month should do it and then, I’ll be gone and never have to live with the fear and pain Rob causes. Now the pain from Tucker will always be with me, but maybe one day he’ll understand and forgive me. It’s a long shot but I can hope.

  Hope.

  I wonder when all my hoping wi
ll actually do me some good. It hasn’t helped at all yet but maybe my time is coming. Maybe things will completely change for the good once I’m gone. I guess all I can do is hope since giving up isn’t an option.

  When I take a right onto my street, my heart starts to speed up. I don’t want to go home. Not in the least. I want to go to Tucker’s and wrap myself up in his arms and stay there. Instead though, I pull into my driveway and park the rental behind my SUV. Grabbing my things, I get out, locking the door before heading to the front door. I have to drop off the rental tomorrow which I’m not looking forward to because I’ll have to ask Rob to pick me up from work.

  Ugh, work. I have no desire to go there tomorrow and I can’t stand that I feel that way. I love my job and I’m excited about making the announcement about us going digital once Dr. McCloud approves it, but seeing Tucker, knowing that I crushed him, will make tomorrow and the rest of my time there, extremely hard. I should have thought about that before I slept with him. I made my bed, now I have to lay in it.

  Opening the door, I step inside to find the house not the way I left it. It’s disgusting: the living room is full of beer cans, take out and clothes; the sink is overflowing with dishes. I’m completely stunned by what I’m seeing. I was gone two days. How did he mess up the house this much in two days? Turning toward the kitchen, I find Rob with a beer in his hand, glaring at me.

  “Why are you in that car?” he asks, nodding his head towards the window where there is a perfect view of the rental.

  “Dr. McCloud had to stay in Atlanta for another night and I had to get back to open the office tomorrow, so I couldn’t stay. He rented me a car and I drove home,” I say as if it was all the truth.

  I had been practicing that lie the whole way and I must say, it’s a damn good lie. Turning from me, he makes a noncommittal noise and throws his can in the trash before reaching in the fridge for another one. That was easier than I thought. Happy with the outcome of that, I turn and head down the hall to my room. Laying my stuff on the bed, I sit on the edge and take in a deep breath as I look around the room. I hate this house. I hate everything about it. I just want to leave but I know I have to be patient. My day is coming and happiness is within reach.

  Looking down at my hands, I blink back the tears as I take in deep breaths because the truth is, I left my happiness back in that hotel and I might never get him back. Not that I deserve him anyway. Blah. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I put myself in these positions, and, in a way, I deserve everything that has happened to me but no more. I’m going to change my destiny. It’s mine for the taking and I’m going to do what I need to do to be happy. If that doesn’t include Tucker, then so be it. At least I had him when I did and I will always feel something for him. Reaching into my purse, I pull out my phone and go to his contact. I know I shouldn’t do this, I should just leave him alone but I have to tell him this. When my text opens, I quickly type until I am happy with what I’ve said.

  Violet: Thank you for a beautiful weekend, Tucker. I apologize for any paid I have caused you and I hope that one day we can still be friends. I would miss your friendship dearly if we can’t work this out. I just want to say I’m sorry and that I do care for you very much, but the timing isn’t right for us. I know that right now you probably hate me, but I just wanted to tell you I was sorry.

  When I hit send, I instantly regret it. I should have just left him alone but it’s hard. I just want to fix what I’ve done. I want to fix us when really all I need to do is worry about is myself. I need to leave him be. Our time will come.

  Wiping away a tear, I take in a deep breath. Throwing my phone down, I get up and start unpacking my things. When I get to the dress that Tucker had peeled off my body, I pause, holding it my hands as my tears cloud my vision. I will never be able to wear this dress ever again and that’s such a shame. Reaching for hanger, I put it on before putting it in my closet. I stare at it for a long time until the dinging of my phone brings me away from it. Picking up my phone, I see a text message from Tucker. My heart stops as I open it to nine little words.

  Tucker: That’s the problem, I don’t hate you. I miss you.

  He doesn’t hate me? I cover my mouth with my hand and take in a shutter breath. My tears start to roll down my cheeks just as another text comes in.

  Tucker: I need time, Violet. You’ve crushed me and as much as I want to forgive you and let it all go, I can’t. I need time to get over what I thought we could have. What I had been hoping and dreaming of for the last couple months. I hope you can understand that.

  I wipe away my tears and I’m about to type back when my door opens, knocking into the wall, making me jump. I delete the texts real quick before turning to look back at my husband. He is shirtless, his scrubs hanging low on his hips as he looks me over. I can tell that he is drunk and that fact has my heart race. I don’t like when he is drunk.

  “Aren’t you wondering why I ignored your calls all weekend?” he asked.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I figured you were busy. I left messages, notes and texts on where I was.”

  “Yeah, with that fucking asshole.”

  “Tucker isn’t an asshole,” I say, turning from him to put away my shoes, “And you knew I was going.”

  “I told you not to!”

  I try to not jump or seem affected by his yelling but I’m not sure I’m coming off that way. Turning to look at him, I say as calmly as I can, “I told you I had to go. It was for my career. I worked and slept and called you. You have no reason not to trust me.”

  “I don’t trust whores,” he slurs, taking a step towards me.

  “I’m not a whore, so there is another reason why you have no reason not to trust me,” I say, taking a step back.

  “Yes, you are, you’re a nasty little whore.”

  He takes another step towards me and I know I’m in trouble. I thought I was good, he didn’t say anything when I first walked in which is when he usually does. Why is he coming at me now and why does he have that look in his face? I can feel my hands going clammy and my face turning white. I’m thoroughly scared out of my mind. My pulse is erratic and my shoulders tight, waiting for whatever he’s about to give me. He keeps coming at me, until I’m glued to the wall, looking up into his dark, hateful eyes. Reaching out, I jump as he grabs me by my face and smashes his mouth to mine.

  I balk. Pushing away but he pushes into me harder, forcing his tongue into my mouth and I cry out, trying to push him away. Finally he pulls back as I scream, “What the hell, Rob!”

  His eyes narrow before his hand comes up, backhanding me, causing me to see black. Shit, that hurt. I move away but he grabs me, pulling at my shirt and then it’s gone.

  “What the fuck are you doing? Stop!” I cry out as he starts to remove my bra, sloppily sucking and licking my breast. “Rob, quit,” I say in a shrill voice, pushing him away, but he isn’t stopping. My nails are digging into his skin but it’s like it doesn’t even bother him. He isn’t stopping.

  Oh fuck, he isn’t stopping.

  I push and start to kick but he has me pressed against the wall and I can’t move as his mouth moves along my breast and chest. When he bites me hard on my breast, I scream out and pull my hand out of his, smacking him alongside his head.

  “Fucking stop!” I cry out. When he looks up at me, his eyes are dark and his nostrils are flaring.

  “You are mine,” he proclaims, his nails cutting my skin and I can’t move, I’m frozen in fear. When his mouth comes on mine again, I can taste the beer and it makes me gag. I need him away from me, so I bite his lip but then I instantly wish I hadn’t. Pulling back, he brings his hand up to his bleeding lip before glaring down at me. “You want it rough, huh? I forgot you liked it like that you dirty whore.”

  I am speechless, my eyes are wide and I am gasping for air but I know I have to get away. I try to move away again, I try to kick, I try everything but he isn’t letting go and I’m panicking. I cry out but he covers my
mouth, squeezing it hard as he pushes up the bottom of my skirt and I can’t believe it.

  He is going to rape me.

  No, no this can’t happen. I smack his hand away, stomping my feet on his, trying to get him to stop but he rips off my panties, throwing them to the side before he takes hold of my vagina, squeezing it hard in his hand. I scream against his hand, trying to bite his fingers while beating him in the side of the shoulders with my fist. My throat is horse and I can’t get away. He dips his fingers inside me and I know he can’t get in. I’m too tense, too scared out of my mind, but he doesn’t care.

  “You’re going to give me what I want. Now. I’m done waiting.”

  “No,” I cry against his hand but it’s muffled, not that I think he would have listened anyway. When he reaches to pull his scrubs down, his shaft springing up towards me, I start to thrash and fight harder against him, screaming, but he doesn’t care and soon he is jamming into me with his cock. The pain in unbearable as he continues to try to enter me but it’s as if he’s hitting a wall and he’s screaming his frustration at me.

  “You’re going to open for me, or I’ll tear you open, bitch. Open your legs, stop fucking fighting me! You’re my wife, you cunt! Now!”

  Tears are falling in heaps down my face, my chest is heaving with sobs and I don’t know what to do. I close my eyes and turn my face to the side, wishing I would just die. This pain is unbearable and when he puts his fingers in me, trying to spread me open, I scream out, slamming my fist against the back of his head. He take a hold of my hands, squishing them against the wall as he looks in my eyes before he proceeds to thrust inside me. With each thrust, it’s like fire is ripping through my vagina and soon I’m bleeding. I feel it running down my leg.

  “Please stop,” I cry and then I look up at the ceiling and whisper, “Please God, make him stop.”

  Taking a hold of my chin, Rob squeezes it before whispering, “God can’t help you. You’re mine.”