Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

“I’m Ann Marie, I went from my father abusing me, and my uncle sexually abusing me, to my husband who sexually and physically abuses me. I’m planning on leaving this Friday. I’m going to go to a shelter first and then once I can save up some more money, I’ll fly out to Germany where my mom is. I’m just scared. He loves his daughter but he is so mean and hateful to me that I can’t bear something happening to my sweet angel.”

  “My name is Tammy and my boyfriend continues to beat the crap out of me on a daily basis, but I continue to stay. I don’t know why, but it’s nice to meet you.”

  “I’m Rachel. My husband beats my children and me daily. I dealt with it for a long time until he raped me in front of my three year old. I left two years ago and I’m finally dating and I’m happy. It’s hard and I was scared for a long time, but no more. I won’t be anything but happy.”

  “This is our group and I’m Marci, the group counselor. I have been doing this line of counseling for over three years after spending years in a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationship with my husband. I decided to help people who were in the same position I was in since my husband told me I’d never get out. I welcome you and I’m glad you came. So please, introduce yourself to us.”

  You know, it was simple to admit that I was abused in the privacy of my office but now, sitting in a circle of eight women, I don’t feel as brave. I look at each of the women that sit in the circle with me. We’re all of different races, different sizes and different ages. I thought I’d be the youngest but the girl across from me, Ellen I think was her name, looks like she’s only eighteen. Rena looks like she’s a businesswoman, her clothes are all designer, the purse that sits in her lap is a Coach. Ann Marie has her newborn baby on her lap. Tammy is covered in tattoos and has a shiny black eye that she had tried to cover but I can tell it is there. The others look just like me, just normal women, trying to get by.

  I think I’ve made a mistake. Standing up, I look around and say, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

  Marci, the leader of the group, smiles before she slowly nods. “We’ll be here when you can. Every Tuesday and Thursday.”

  “I’m sorry,” I mutter again as I start for the door.

  “It’s okay. Hope to see you back,” she calls towards my back as I slam the door shut.

  Closing my eyes, I take in a deep breath before letting it out in a whoosh. I should have never come here. This was a waste of my time and theirs. I’m not ready for this and I’m not sure I’ll ever be. Opening my eyes, I start to walk to where Tucker is sitting in his car, reading patient files.

  God, what am I going to tell him?

  I open the door and hop in just as he looks over at me. “That was fast?”

  I nod as I look down at my hands. “I couldn’t do it.”

  He doesn’t say anything and I wait for what seems like forever for him to say something. Instead, I hear the car start and then it is moving. When I sneak a glance at him, he is looking forward, his face calm.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  “What for?”

  “For wasting your time.”

  He reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Helping you is never a waste of my time, Violet. So you walked out? We can try again next week. It’s okay.”

  I look back down. “What if I don’t want to go back?”

  He lets out a breath before he squeezes my hand again. “As much as I want you too, I won’t make you. This is your battle and as much as I want to fight it for you, I know I can’t, but what I can do is be the guy that encourages you and gives you the tools you need to win. I think with the help of these women, you can win but if you don’t want to go back, then we’ll find another way to win.”

  I don’t say anything else as we ride back to the office where my car is. He is so sweet, so helpful and I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever repay him for what he has done for me. I glace over at him and admire his profile. He could be with anyone right now. Someone amazing and beautiful, who has her shit together but instead, he is with me, helping me find the strength I thought was lost.

  When Tucker enters the parking lot to the office, I look away, watching as my car comes into view. When he pulls into the spot beside my car, I don’t want to move. I don’t want to go home, I know Rob is there and that is the last person I want to see right now but I know I have to go. I gather my things, reluctantly, and then slowly reach for the door handle before turning to look at him.

  “Thank you for taking me.”

  He smiles. “Anytime, Violet. Can you text me when you get home?”

  I nod. “Sure.”

  “Okay, see you tomorrow. Remember we have defense classes tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I say, sending him a smile as I climb out of his car. When I go to shut the door, I stop; Tucker is giving me the tools to help me and all I have to do is use them. That’s all. Bending down, I look over at him.

  He is still smiling at me and I find myself smiling back as I say, “Can you take me next Tuesday?”

  He doesn’t even pause, or think it seems. With a wide smile, he nods. “Of course.”

  Three weeks have passed and I feel like nothing has changed.

  I’ve been to six meetings and I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. I still haven’t admitted my name, or even said what I’m going through. Nothing. I just sit there, listening to everyone’s stories and as soon as Marci asks me if I’d like to tell my story, I blanch. Each time, Tucker is supportive, telling me it’s going to take time, but surely he’s getting tired of it all. He sits in the car, working, playing on his phone and each time all I can do is tell him ‘I’m sorry, but I didn’t say anything’. It’s starting to stress me out because it makes me think I’m not ready to leave. That I’m not ready to start my life because I can’t even tell anyone else that I am abused.

  It’s scary.

  Along with the six meetings, I’ve been to three defensive courses and I’ve discovered that I love them. They are fun and I feel so powerful, smacking the shit out of the guy when he wears the padded suit. It’s fun but I’m not so sure that I will remember any of this stuff if Rob ever comes at me again. I haven’t had that problem because every time I’m home, he is gone or asleep. It’s been quiet, and he’s been calm, but that makes me nervous.

  You know the saying, the calm before the storm. That’s Rob. Usually when he is quiet for a long length of time, I have to be extra careful because he can blow up at any moment. He’s a ticking time bomb and I have been staying out of his way, watching what I’m doing at all times, but I know it’s coming. I hate when he is quiet, it makes me feel like he is plotting against me and even with my training, I’m still nervous.

  Will I remember it all?

  Will I defend myself?

  Or will I do exactly what I’ve always done and just try to get away.

  I hope I don’t have to do anything. I hope he stays away from me. I only need a couple more weeks. I know, I know, I said that three weeks ago but the thing is, my mom isn’t doing well. I spoke with her last week and found out that she is hurting for money. Because of this, I figured I needed a little more money so that I wouldn’t have to burden her at all. I could support myself completely and maybe even her. Only two more weeks, that’s all, and then I’m gone.

  Gone.

  Away from Rob, but also away from Tucker.

  I wish Tucker will come with me, or maybe we can figure out a way for me to stay here but those are fantasies. As much as I don’t want to go, I have to. I wish I could put Tucker in my pocket and take him everywhere. In a way I guess I can with the way technology is now but still, I can’t imagine not physically seeing him every day.

  In these three weeks my feelings for him have become stronger, more deeply rooted inside me. It’s crazy because I have honestly never felt this way about anyone. Not even Rob and I thought Rob was my all-time love at one point. I don’t know what it is, but something about Tucker has me completely entrapped in him. He is
so supportive, so nice and kind. He calls to check on me, to make sure I’m okay. He’s constantly asking if I need anything and it’s so refreshing.

  I was convinced that he was going to ride in and take control but he hasn’t. He is letting me do it and I think I have fallen for him even more because of it. He is everything I always wanted but I can’t have him and as much as I want to ask if he’ll wait for me, I can’t because I feel like it’s a selfish thing to ask. He deserves the world, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to do everything to give it to him. It could be months, maybe even years before I can be the woman he deserves and I can’t bring myself to ask him to wait for me.

  Like right now, I’m watching him on the phone. He is smiling, his dimples prominent as he laughs on the phone with whoever he is speaking with. I have a smile on my face because his grin and laughter are infectious. God, he is so beautiful. When he looks across the hall at me, he winks and the butterflies go crazy inside me. I smile and wave at him before going back to work since I don’t want to seem like a creeper but soon I’m back at staring at him when my phone rings. I look down to see that it is Rob and my stomach quickly drops.

  “Hello?”

  “When is this demotion shit going to be over? This check isn’t even worth you going to work every day.”

  “I’m on it for another month, I think.”

  “Bullshit, tell your asshole boss that you’re quitting,” he demands.

  “No, I love my job.”

  “It’s a waste of time.”

  “No, it’s not. I’m happy.”

  “I don’t care if you’re happy. I said quit, damn it,” he yells.

  I roll my eyes and try to speak calming as I say, “how does that make sense? You’re complaining because my check is not enough but if I quit then there will be no money. So why am I quitting? Shouldn’t I stay and make some kind of money and then in a month it will go back to normal?”

  He doesn’t say anything for a moment. My heart is jackhammering against my chest. I shouldn’t have said anything, I should have waited for him to get done bitching and then hung up but I know I’m right. Plus, I have to keep this job. I need the money.

  “You think you know everything, huh?”

  “What? I didn’t say that,” I explain, “all I am saying is-”

  “I don’t give a fuck what you’re saying. You’re walking on a thin rope, Violet. You better watch what the hell you’re doing,” he says before the line goes dead.

  I lay down my phone and let out a long breath. Closing my eyes, I let my head fall on the desk and I just lie there. I wish I could have a do over. Like instead of falling into this clusterfuck with Rob, I wish that there were something that would have told me what kind of man he was but no one knew in Colorado. Everyone saw only what he showed and that was a charming guy until he beat the crap out of that doctor. As I much as I want to say I wish I never met him or married him, I truly believe that it happened for a reason. This time in my life is supposed to make me stronger and I also believe that it had to happen so that Tucker would come into my life. As much as it has hurt and has caused me to hit rock bottom, I know I have to start somewhere.

  It’s all up from here and I have to believe that. I have to believe I’m doing everything I can to change my life and it will be worth it. I hope so.

  “Sleeping on the job?”

  I pop my head up to see Tucker and Blaine looking at me from my doorway. Between them is a mini version of them both and I can’t help but think damn this family has strong genes. They’re all so damn good looking. The mini version of them has hair that is shaggy and falling into the same eyes as the rest of the McCloud men. He comes up to his father’s waist and is as cute as ever. A smile spreads over my face as I stand up and come out from behind my desk.

  “Not at all. Just trying to breathe,” I say in a cheerful voice as I make my way towards them. Tucker is smiling and so is the little guy who I assume is Nicky. Blaine on the other hand, he isn’t smiling. He’s just looking at me like I betrayed him and I know I have. I promised this guy I wouldn’t hurt his brother and I did. Even if had my reasons and Tucker knows them, I still hurt him and by the looks of it, Blaine doesn’t know my reasons nor does he care. So why is he in here?

  “I hope we aren’t bothering you, I just wanted you to meet Nicky McCloud, my nephew.”

  I bend down, holding out my hand for Nicky. “Nice to meet you.”

  He smiles shyly before looking up at Tucker. “She’s pretty.”

  I blush as Tucker laughs, his eyes meeting mine as he agrees, “she sure is.”

  “Well thank you, you’re very handsome yourself, Nicky.”

  He’s blushing this time as he turns into his father’s leg, peeking out at me with the same eyes I love on Tucker. I stand up and smile over at Tucker before glancing up at a glaring Blaine.

  “He’s darling,” I say to Blaine, but he doesn’t say anything.

  “Well then,” Tucker laughs before reaching for Nicky and throwing him over his shoulder. “Come on man, say bye to Ms. Violet and let’s go see if Mrs. Yolanda has some candy.”

  “Bye, Ms. Violet!”

  I grin as I wave. “Bye Nicky, it was great meeting you.”

  He sends me a toothless grin before being whisk away by Tucker. I wait for Blaine to leave but he is still standing there, looking at me.

  “Is there something I can do for you, Blaine?” I ask and his eyes quickly narrow.

  “I trusted you,” he says causing me to look away before taking in a deep breath.

  “I know.”

  “Why don’t you just leave him alone?”

  Yeah, he doesn’t know anything.

  “How? I’m not doing anything. I mean what do you want me to do Blaine? Quit?”

  He nods. “Yes, and leave him alone; it hurts him having you around.”

  I’m surprised by this. Surely Tucker hasn’t said that. “Has he told you that?”

  “Yes, not lately, but before he had.” he says, shaking his head as he looks at me in disgust. “I thought you were better than this. I thought you were a good person.”

  Tears well in my eyes as I slowly nod. “I’ll be gone in a matter of weeks, Blaine.”

  “Good.”

  I look up and meet his eyes. “But just to let you know, I am a good person and I’m sorry for what happened, for hurting him, but it was out of my control. We both weren’t thinking and one thing led to another, but I promise you, I care about him so much and I want nothing but good things for him.”

  “Yeah, well you can care all you want but leave and never come back. He deserves someone so much better.”

  With that he walks out of my office and I know I can’t take everything he has said to heart. He doesn’t know the whole story and I know he is super protective over his brother but even with knowing all that, it still hurts. I really like Blaine but it is obvious that he despises me and it’s my fault entirely. I made a promise and not even twenty-four hours later, I broke it. He has every right to hate me, I just hope that one day I have a chance to explain myself, to tell him my story and to make a new promise.

  And that is to never, ever hurt his brother again.

  “Blaine hates me.”

  Tucker looks over at me with a confused look, as he says, “No, he doesn’t.”

  I nod my head as I watch the town pass by through the window. We’re driving back from another failed meeting. All I did was sit there and this time, no one said anything to me. It’s as if they are getting used to me just being a mute. It’s depressing and I wish I could just say what I’m thinking, but I freeze up every time. Tonight was a good night for Tabitha though, the one that has been with her husband for ten years. She finally left him. It’s only been a week but she looks so much happier and it gives me hope. Tucker says that means the group is working but if it was working why am I not talking? Why am I not telling my story?

  Looking back over at Tucker, I remember that we’re discussing Blaine. “He
told me to stay away from you and that I was a horrible person.”

  He shakes his head before reaching over for my hand. “I’m sorry. He is so over protective of me, especially after his ex-wife. I haven’t told him anything because that’s your business, so he only has this negative view of you. I promise I’ll fix it.”

  “No, don’t,” I say, shaking my head. “He has every right not to like me and hopefully one day I can explain myself and fix it myself.”

  Tucker smiles as he tangles his fingers with mine. “One day.”

  I smile back as he pulls into the parking lot of the office beside my car. I go to gather my things, but he doesn’t let go of my hand. I look up at him and his eyes are full of concern as he looks at me.

  “How’s everything at home?”

  “It’s okay, he’s working a lot and then sleeping any other time. He called today but I handled it.”

  He nods as he looks down at his lap. “So you’re thinking what? Two more weeks?”

  “Yeah. Then I’ll be gone.”

  I watch his profile as he takes in a deep breath. “Are you ready?”

  I scoff. “Hell no.”

  He laughs as he leans back against the seat. Looking over at me, he smiles and I instantly smile back. “You’re going to be fine. I believe in you.”

  “It’s going to be hard.”

  “Of course it is, but you’re strong, Violet. You got this.”

  “I’m scared,” I admit before looking away.

  “I know but I promise, you’re going to succeed, I can see the fight in you.”

  “I hope so.” I look over at him and then say, “You’ve been amazing, Tucker, I don’t know how to repay you for all your kindness.”

  “It’s easy,” he says with a smile.

  “Really? How?”

  “Be happy. That’s all I want for you.”

  I want to kiss him so bad that I have to look away before I do it. Looking out the window, I beg my heart to still from the pounding. This man is unbelievable and I want nothing more than to lose myself with him but as I look out in the parking lot, I forget all about my desire as my eyes land on a very familiar car.