Follies and Nonsense

by Martin Hunnicutt

  Mrs. Bennet sent Jane to Elizabeth’s side before she rose and approached the man standing in her husband’s library uttering horrible lies about her daughter.

  “Mr. Collins, I remind you that you are a guest in my home and if anyone has been improper it is you.” She pointed at Elizabeth and said, “My daughter and Major Hamilton were married by special license in the church here in the village of Longbourn. Mr. Fallows united my daughter with her husband in marriage before God with the members of our family and our servants present. The special license was signed by the Bishop of London himself! The wedding register in the church bears my daughter’s signature as well as the signature of her husband – a loyal officer of the king who gave his life in that service. And you dare to call his son a bastard! The bishop will hear of this sir!”

  Collins nervously wiped his brow; the interview was not going as he had planned. Mrs. Bennet glanced at her daughters – Mary had joined Jane to surround their sister. In the doorway, she saw Kitty and Lydia standing there, their faces concerned and behind them she saw the remainder of the household gathered to watch the events.

  Angry, Mrs. Bennet turned back to Mr. Collins and said, “I am disturbed that a man who claims to be a clergyman and a member of our family would believe the wild imaginings of a woman who did not live in Meryton when Elizabeth married. Did she mention that our family was in mourning at the time for Jane’s intended?”

  “I did hear…” Collins tried to explain but Mrs. Bennet cut him off with a motion of her hand.

  She stepped back and said, “Mr. Collins, you will understand if I dismiss you without supper. Return to Meryton and leave tomorrow. You have insulted me and my daughters in such a terrible manner that I must insist that you await Mr. Bennet’s return before you impose upon anyone in the household again.”

  “But Mrs. Bennet, why do you believe he will return?” asked Collins. “His ship must have sunk on the return voyage. Or he was taken prisoner by pirates or the French.”

  “Oh, Mr. Collins,” Mrs. Bennet cried. “You are cruel!”

  As tears began to slide down Mrs. Bennet’s face, Jane left Elizabeth’s side to take her mother back to her chair and Mary turned to the servants for a wet cloth for her mother’s brow. Collins quickly glanced about the room – Mrs. Bennet, Mary and Jane were distracted. He would make his proposal, compromise Cousin Jane in front of her family, and force the engagement tonight.

  “We will marry at Christmas and I shall be master of Longbourn by Twelfth Night!” he thought before he glanced toward Cousin Elizabeth.

  The fire and anger in the young widow’s eyes reminded Collins briefly of the temper that he had seen and heard in Lady Catherine’s person when she argued with her steward one afternoon at Rosings. But when Elizabeth Hamilton spoke, Mr. Collins learned the true power of command.

  “Sir, you have been dismissed by my lady mother from our home. You will leave this house now under your own power or with the assistance of my footman,” Elizabeth said in a cold, steely voice. Her eyes narrowed as she commanded, “Choose!”

  Swallowing nervously, the visitor tried to speak, “Cousin Elizabeth…”

  “Mr. Collins, I have warned you repeatedly about using such familiar names with me.”

  Turning toward the doorway, Elizabeth called, “Mr. Barrow.”

  “Yes, my lady,” the powerful footman said as he slipped into the room, carefully moving Kitty and Lydia out of the way.

  “Mr. Collins is leaving – now. Escort him from the house and do not grant him entrance again tonight or on any future day until my father returns and has invited him inside. If he returns, set the dogs on him.”

  Barrow crossed the distance in an instant and suddenly, the clergyman was moving toward the door. “What are you…” Collins tied to say as Barrow grabbed the man by his collar and belt, half lifted him from the floor and walked him down the hall and past the servants who struggled not to laugh. Collins flapped his arms helpless against the much stronger footman.

  “You will all be homeless the day I inherit! You will be penniless and in the ditches!” Collins promised everyone as Mr. Hill opened the door. A damp drizzle had begun to fall as the man was pushed out the door.

  “Your coat and hat Mr. Collins,” Hill said as he dropped the garments on the damp stoop and slammed the door in the boorish man’s face.

  Grabbing his coat and hat, Collins slipped them on and turned around twice – the dry carriage was behind barred doors in the stable and the inn was two miles away. During his long, cold walk back to Meryton, Mr. Collins regretted the loss of the good supper more than anything else. He would have to forego any meal this evening to have enough coins to pay for his place in the coach tomorrow.

  ++**++

  In the library, the Bennet sisters surrounded their mother in silence until Lydia observed, “When Father returns, he will never believe our stories of Mr. Collins. He will regret his absence when he hears how Mamma ordered a clergyman from the house and then Lizzy’s footman walked him out with his toes dangling on the carpets.”

  As her daughters began to laugh, Mrs. Bennet observed, “Oh, I did speak wildly to a clergyman, didn’t I? Your father will laugh aloud when I tell him!”

  “It was well done madam,” said Mrs. Hill from the doorway. “And now it is time for the supper to be served.”

  Glancing around the room, Mary said, “I find that I am famished – it appears that dealing with a fool whets one’s appetite for supper.” She smiled at her sisters when she asked, “Shall we enjoy our supper without stories of Rosings Park?”

  “Yes!” shouted Kitty and Lydia. “No stories of Rosings Park!”

  As the family moved from the library to the dining room, Barrow apologized to Elizabeth, “Forgive my slip earlier, my lady. I forgot to call you Mrs. Hamilton.”

  Shaking her head, Elizabeth answered, “You have nothing to ask forgiveness for Mr. Barrow. Thank you for the proper disposal of the problem onto the yard.”

  “If I may be so bold, Lady Hamilton, I believe you should write to His Lordship on this matter. That man’s tongue will return to him and he will tell his tale from here to Kent.”

  “Very well, I shall write to His Lordship. Perhaps he will pay a call at Rosings Park to consult with Lady Catherine concerning her pompous clergyman.” Barrow bowed his head but Elizabeth knew her footman would write to the earl’s secretary himself with the details.

  Thus ended Mr. Collin’s visit to Longbourn.

  ++**++

  Chapter 26.

  Feuds and Settlements

  The following day was rainy and when Colonel Fitzwilliam arrived with his valet, both men were soaked and cold. Mr. Bingley ordered water heated and fires built up in the rooms to warm the visitor and his servant.

  When it was time for supper, Darcy and Fitzwilliam came into the parlour where Darcy introduced his cousin.

  “Mrs. Hurst, Miss Bingley and Mr. Hurst, this is my cousin, Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam.”

  “Oh yes!” Caroline said in greeting. “You are the earl’s younger son.”

  “And thus am I regulated to the barely tolerable ranks by all women,” Colonel Fitzwilliam said.

  They made a happy party that evening at supper – Miss Bingley had Mr. Darcy and his cousin to admire her gown and good manners that evening.

  “I understand the militia has bivouacked in the Meryton area for the winter,” Fitzwilliam mentioned when the gentlemen separated from the ladies.

  “Oh yes, Colonel Fitzwilliam and the local ladies are much enamoured of the red coats of the officers.”

  “As happens in every neighbourhood in the kingdom,” the officer replied. “Everyone enjoys the company of the king’s men.”

  ++**++

  The sun came out the next morning and the party at Netherfield burst out of the house – Louisa and Caroline took Mr. Hurst’s carriage into Meryton to shop for some new material for shirts for Mr. Hurst. Charles rode alongside the carriage as he was headed int
o the village to visit the blacksmith about horses.

  While the Bingley sisters were in the mercantile and Louisa was considering two different weaves, Caroline wandered about the shelves. She noticed Mrs. Bennet and three of her daughters come into the store and she nodded politely but did not engage them in conversation.

  Almost immediately, the store’s door opened again to allow Mrs. Fielding to enter. Wondering if the woman had any new gossip to share, Caroline casually wandered closer and observed Mrs. Bennet directly cut Mrs. Fielding. When Mrs. Fielding approached the mistress of Longbourn, Mrs. Bennet refused to acknowledge the other woman, turned her back, and walk away without speaking. Her daughters were quiet and followed their mother to the other side of the store. When Mrs. Fielding attempted to follow them, Mrs. Bennet cut her once again – in full view of several other customers and the store owner.

  “Well, I never!” Mrs. Fielding exclaimed loudly as she looked about quickly for a sympathetic face to the insult she had just received but found none. The young lady from Netherfield smirked and followed her sister from the store after Louisa made her purchase.

  ++**++

  When Charles returned from Meryton’s blacksmith and livery, he sought out his guests. “Darcy, do you remember our discussion on the importance of remaining on good terms with your neighbours?”

  “I do.” Darcy glanced at his friend and asked, “Have you decided to feud with a neighbour?”

  “No, but I am concerned because the Bennet and Fielding families are in disagreement over some matter. My steward informs me that the Bennet family has stopped all dealings with Mr. Fielding and it has affected Mr. Fielding’s business. They refuse to sell livestock to Fielding – he wanted their calves and pigs. Mr. Smyth stopped an order for oats for Mrs. Hamilton’s horses – he sent to another village ten miles distance to procure feed.”

  “Has Fielding raised his prices?” Darcy asked to which Bingley shook his head.

  “And there’s another matter that will affect Fielding directly – this morning in Meryton at the blacksmith’s livery, Mr. Smyth informed young Mr. Fielding that he will not be allowed to take his flock of geese across Longbourn’s fields when it is time to drive the birds to London for Christmas. They will have to take two hundred geese through the middle of Meryton during the day.”

  Darcy’s brow wrinkled, “The dogs in the village will scatter the birds and they will lose more than a few birds.”

  “What have the locals to feud about, I wonder?” Fitzwilliam asked.

  “Mrs. Fielding enjoys spreading information,” Bingley replied.

  “She gossips incessantly Fitzwilliam,” Darcy told his cousin. “The woman speaks continuously from the moment she awakens until she falls asleep at night.”

  “Shall we play Solomon and attempt to bring peace?” asked Fitzwilliam.

  “It would be wiser to remain outside of the feud,” Darcy began to say before he caught Bingley’s expression and realized that he would have to take sides because of Elizabeth. Colonel Fitzwilliam noticed the exchange of looks between the friends and he sat back in the chair watching Darcy as the man’s mind worked through his obligations.

  “Bingley, what has my cousin so perplexed?” Fitzwilliam asked with a smile on his face.

  Bingley shuffled some papers on the desk in front of him as he said, “Darcy and I both have good reason to support the Bennet family in such matters.”

  “Oh ho! There are ladies involved for certain!” Fitzwilliam turned his attention to Darcy who looked as if he had a mouth of sour bile. “Look at him Bingley. The powerful, rich lord of Pemberley has finally met a woman who has captured his attention and he cannot bring himself to admit it even to his cousin.”

  “Fitzwilliam, it would be wise to be silent, otherwise I shall beat you into a bloody pulp!” Darcy swore in a low voice. “You will conduct yourself with all decorum when you meet the ladies at Longbourn or I shall write Lady Catherine that you want to marry our cousin Anne and I shall tell Countess Fitzwilliam that you have brought a French mistress to London.”

  Bingley grinned as he watched the different expressions on Fitzwilliam’s face considering his cousin’s threats. “I shall be the model of decorum and propriety Darcy. The double threat of my mother and our aunt guarantees my cooperation.”

  “When shall we introduce the colonel to the Bennets?” Charles asked when Darcy’s face had softened from his stiff mask.

  “Tonight, at supper,” Darcy answered. “We are dining with the ladies tonight.”

  ++**++

  “Charles! Charles!” called Caroline’s voice from the hallway. “Where is Mr. Darcy?”

  The door of the parlour opened and Caroline fussed at the footman, “You should have opened the parlour door when I came in the front door!”

  “Really Caroline, how was he to know you wanted to come into the parlour?” Charles asked.

  The gentlemen rose to their feet as Caroline and Louisa swept into the room.

  “You will never guess what Louisa and I saw in the shops of Meryton this morning,” the young woman told the gentlemen.

  “I should never attempt to guess,” Charles said. “If it signifies, please tell us direct.”

  “While we were shopping, we found ourselves in the mercantile with Mrs. Bennet and three of her daughters – the three young ones – not your Miss Bennet, Charles or Mr. Darcy’s Mrs. Hamilton,” Caroline explained. “When Mrs. Fielding, the local dame with all the gossip, came into the store and approached Mrs. Bennet to speak to her, Mrs. Bennet cut her! She turned her back and walked away from the woman to the other side of the store!”

  Louisa said, “It was well done I must admit. No one watching could doubt that Mrs. Bennet refused to acknowledge the woman.”

  “Mrs. Bennet does not strike me as the type of woman who would take such a step lightly,” Charles offered.

  “Oh, they are simple country folk who feud over pigs and geese! We heard that the Bennets will barricade their estate against Mr. Fielding’s geese at Christmas. The poor geese will freeze on the roads…”

  Darcy glanced at his cousin who was deep in thought and uncharacteristically quiet.

  “Do you still intend for Miss Bennet and Mrs. Hamilton to sup with us tonight?” Caroline asked her brother who nodded his head slowly several times.

  “Colonel Foster is to bring his intended and her mother to supper tonight. Mr. Darcy and I want to introduce Colonel Fitzwilliam to our friends here in Hertfordshire.”

  Sighing, Caroline rose and excused herself from the room.

  Colonel Fitzwilliam turned to Darcy and asked, “Are we to spend the day talking of horses? I thought there was another matter for us to discuss?”

  Darcy glanced at the clock and nodded.

  “Charles, I was going to take my cousin to meet Colonel Foster in the militia camp to observe their preparations for winter. Complete your business and we shall take a hard ride across the pastures this afternoon.”

  Recognizing his friend’s mood as requiring privacy, Charles wished the gentlemen good luck with their endeavour and returned his attention to a letter for a business concern in the city.

  ++**++

  Chapter 27.

  A Visit to the Militia Camp near Meryton

  The camp was busy and orderly for a Friday afternoon. None of the soldiers were granted leave and the officers pushed hard in training.

  Colonel Fitzwilliam’s eyes noted the men standing guard around the brig, a few men running punishment details near the latrines – there were always new pits to dig and old ones to fill in before the smell grew too strong. Fitzwilliam’s adjutant slipped away from the colonel to visit his counterparts for news.

  Stopping his horse before the large headquarters tent, Fitzwilliam motioned to Darcy to dismount. Waiting stable boys took the two horses to a makeshift stable as the two men entered the tent where Fitzwilliam and Colonel Foster first exchanged salutes and then handshakes.

  “Mr. Darcy, you sho
uld have told me that Colonel Fitzwilliam was your cousin! He’s a fine fellow and always welcome in my camp!”

  “It was a sudden decision for a shooting holiday,” Fitzwilliam explained and motioned toward Darcy. “His letters mentioned the quality of the birds hereabout and I showed up at his door. When he mentioned meeting you and that the militia would keep winter quarters in the neighbourhood, it seemed only proper to pay my respects.”

  “Certainly!” Foster replied. “And this visit doesn’t have anything to do with Mr. Wickham, does it?”

  Fitzwilliam grinned wolfishly, “My cousin and I would appreciate the opportunity to interview the man if that is convenient, Foster.”

  “Certainly, certainly,” Foster replied. He ordered an aide to find and bring Lt. George Wickham to his tent soonest before he turned back to his guests. “I must say Lt Wickham made quite the impression on my fiancé the other night. Just this week, I rented a house in Meryton for Miss Lincoln and her mother and invited the officers for supper. Miss Lincoln enjoyed herself very much and looks forward to being the wife of an officer.”

  “You will marry soon?” Fitzwilliam inquired.

  “Yes, Mrs. Lincoln acts as our chaperone and we marry next Friday from the house. The local man – Fallows is his name – will marry us by special license. I asked the Collins fellow staying at the inn but he acted as if it were beneath him to officiate at a wedding for an army colonel.”

  “I believe Mr. Collins left a weak impression on many hereabouts,” Darcy offered.

  Foster laughed, “The fellow strutted about the streets like a small dog with a big bone this entire week. He says that he will be the next master of Longbourn, one of the local estates, just as soon as the ladies admit that Mr. Bennet has been lost at sea.”

  “Did he indeed?” Fitzwilliam asked, watching his cousin’s face slip into the hard mask.