Follies and Nonsense

by Martin Hunnicutt

  “I am,” the rider replied and the colonel smiled.

  “A man of few words. Good,” he said as he handed the letter to the man and pulled out a handful of coins. “It is late in the day but I want you to start today. Stay overnight along the road.”

  “Where am I going sir?”

  Fitzwilliam smirked. “Forgive me, I am distracted.”

  He pointed to the letter, “Hertfordshire; an estate called Netherfield near a town named Meryton. My cousin – Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy – visits with a friend named Mr. Charles Bingley at that manor house and this letter is for him.”

  “Very good Colonel Fitzwilliam,” Hill replied as he turned to his horse. “I shall be able to deliver your express around noon tomorrow.”

  “Good,” Fitzwilliam said as he turned to his adjutant and began to give orders to pack. “We are going hunting Tompkins – pack for a fortnight. Anticipate our departure tomorrow afternoon at the very latest. I am going to see General Smith-Hanes now.”

  ++**++

  The following day, Colonel Fitzwilliam’s letter reached Netherfield and the butler delivered it to Mr. Darcy as he and Bingley worked through their business correspondence in the library.

  “Thank you Garner,” Darcy said as he took the letter from the silver platter. After opening and reading the letter, he turned to Charles. “May I ask a favour?”

  Looking up from the letter he was reviewing, Charles said, “Certainly.”

  “My cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam wishes to join me for a fortnight – for hunting. Would it be too much to ask you to allow him to stay?”

  “Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam?” Charles grinned. “I enjoy the colonel’s company and he is an excellent shot. The pheasants will all fall with his hand on the gun! And you must convince him to stay a month complete to join in the fox hunt and the ball.”

  ++**++

  At Longbourn, letters arrived by the regular post. Elizabeth was in her father’s library with her sisters when Mr. Hill brought in the post, several letters on the silver platter. He first went to Miss Bennet and Miss Mary who each had one letter. He brought the platter to Mrs. Hamilton last and she found three letters with her name; one from her father-in-law’s secretary, one from her uncle in town and the final one from her aunt.

  “Aunt Gardiner posted her letter from her parlour and Uncle posted his from his warehouse,” she decided as the reason for separate letters from the couple on the same day. “Business first.”

  The letter from Mr. Edgeworth included details on the arrival of a large spice ship with the East India Company; a sizeable investment through her uncle eighteen months ago would return a large profit. Proceeds from the sale of the cargo would be deposited directly into her accounts.

  The letter from her uncle repeated the details of the arrival of the spice ship with the additional hope that the arrival of this ship would herald the arrival of ships from the Caribbean and the return of Mr. Bennet.

  “I shall be careful how I share Uncle Gardiner’s speculation with my family.”

  On the final page of her uncle’s letter, he included information on a new investment.

  ++**++

  I have found an opportunity for a new investment with your settlement funds. You know I hope to purchase an estate at some point and a friend at one of the banks in town has offered me the mortgage on eight farms that could eventually be purchased – the history of the mortgages includes several renewals over the years as the landowner has extravagant spending habits. The matter includes farms in Kent – very near to Lord Rutherford’s estate in that county – and we could assume the mortgages for a reasonable price. If the landlord redeems the mortgages, we will have a substantial profit and if she does not redeem the mortgages, we can foreclose on the properties.

  The landlord is a local noble woman named Catherine de Bourgh. She purchased the farms with her dowry thirty years ago and from what the banker tells me, she spends the income and more each year. Some entailment on her husband’s estate prevents her from mortgaging or selling any of the farms that are part of that estate – Rosings Park.

  In any case, I shall purchase the mortgages. I wanted to offer you the opportunity to have your funds in different ventures.

  Your aunt will enjoy a pleasant house in the country centred on four farms and your four farms will provide an inheritance for any other children you have in the future. Yes, I am joining with His Lordship in encouraging you to consider another marriage. Matthew needs a good father and brothers and sisters – an only child and an Earl from birth practically – you must make certain that your son is not too spoiled.

  With the greatest affection of a proud uncle,

  Edward Gardiner

  ++**++

  Elizabeth determined immediately to write her uncle with instructions to purchase the mortgages.

  “It might be helpful to have some hold over Mr. Collins,” she decided with a serious look toward Jane.

  “Lizzy, why are you staring at Jane so?” asked Mary looking up from her account book.

  Elizabeth softened her expression. “I am preparing for the future my dear sisters. I will do my best to see each of you well settled and happy with a good man.”

  “I hope you do not mean Mr. Collins for one of your sisters!” Mary blurted out. Elizabeth’s face reflected her horror at such an idea and she gave reassurances to both of her sisters that she never considered Mr. Collins as a suitable husband for any woman she knew.

  “Mary, we must be kind to Mr. Collins,” Jane insisted.

  But the middle sister shook her head before she explained her reasons. “Yesterday, I overheard Mr. Collins tell Mr. Hill that he should defer more to the future master’s wishes at Longbourn – as if he were already in residence.”

  “I am certain that Mr. Collins does not mean to be vulgar,” Jane said. “His experiences and education have not prepared him to be a landowner.”

  Mary nodded her head, “I agree but I feel it necessary to point out that Mr. Collins will not listen to anyone’s opinion concerning the estate’s current condition. He told Mr. Smyth he was not storing hay in the barn properly – as if Mr. Collins has ever pitched hay to cattle in his life. And later he told me that I did not have the ability to keep the household accounts.”

  Jane told another tale. “This afternoon, he came into the kitchens while we were there and ordered Mrs. Hill to give him the pay purse for the servants.”

  “Did she give it to him?” asked Elizabeth.

  “No,” Mary replied. “She was kneading the bread and I believe she stood there with flour on her hands for a full minute, debated if she should dump the entire bowl on his head.”

  “Oh, I wish she had,” Jane muttered loud enough for both of her sisters to hear.

  “What did happen?” Elizabeth inquired with a smile upon her face imagining their cousin walking back to Meryton covered with flour.

  Jane explained thusly, “Mrs. Hill thanked Mr. Collins for testing her willingness to follow the orders of the master of Longbourn and she assured him that when he became the master of Longbourn that she would follow his orders as closely as she followed Mr. Bennet’s.”

  “A sound deflection of a pompous man,” Elizabeth agreed as Mary nodded her head.

  “What shall we do about Mr. Collins, Lizzy?” asked Jane.

  “Tomorrow, he returns to Kent by post,” Elizabeth replied. “We must be gracious to the man at supper tonight for the last time. I only pray that our father returns post haste to send the man packing until the day he inherits.”

  “But what shall happen to Longbourn and the tenant families when he inherits?” asked Mary.

  “It will be resolved to everyone’s satisfaction,” Jane assured her younger sister.

  Doubtful of anyone’s satisfaction, Elizabeth turned to her aunt’s letter and cracked open the seal to read.

  ++**++

  Gracechurch Street, London

  Dearest Niece,

  My dear, you must immedia
tely take steps to separate yourselves from George Wickham! He cannot be permitted admittance to Longbourn and your company or your sisters!

  I read your letter with greatest interest and before I could begin my inquiries, Providence intervened when a friend from Derbyshire called on me today – her husband is a factor for Pemberley, a large estate near Mount Pleasant and she took tea with me while her husband conducted business with your uncle. When I mentioned that my nieces in Hertfordshire had met a ‘Mr. George Wickham from Derbyshire’ she became so distressed that I had to summon her husband and your uncle. Once she was calm again, she told me her story.

  My dear friend lost a sister to the evil of this man – he seduced her and left her increasing and without any prospect of marriage. If not for the intervention of Mr. Darcy from Pemberley, the girl would have been thrown out of her father’s home and left to die in the ditches. Her father is a staunch churchman and unforgiving, but Mr. Darcy arranged a marriage for her with a farmer on another of his estates in Derby.

  Your uncle tells me that the husband asked us not to use their names – his father-in-law still refuses to discuss his lost daughter. And he told your uncle that there were at least two other girls ruined by this man with no regard for their futures.

  If he imposes upon your family, send for your uncle. Better yet, call the magistrate of the county and as the ‘Countess of Bailey’ have the man arrested!

  Inform me and your uncle of your steps!

  Madeline Gardiner

  ++**++

  “Lizzy, whatever is the matter?” asked Jane. Mary had risen and come to stand beside Elizabeth.

  Handing the letter to Mary, Elizabeth said, “You must read Aunt Gardner’s letter.”

  While Mary read the letter, Elizabeth turned to Jane and explained, “After Mr. Wickham told me his story, I was so struck by the inconsistency of his description with my observations of Mr. Darcy’s character that I wrote to Aunt Gardner to make inquiries among her family and friends in Derbyshire. From her friend’s testimony, I am shocked that Mr. Wickham is received in any company. The man cannot be characterized as a gentleman and cannot be allowed in our company.”

  “I concur,” Mary said as she handed the letter to Jane who turned pale as she read the letter. “How can such a man be admitted to the militia as an officer?”

  “We must not allow Wickham to enter Longbourn or to be in our sisters’ company,” Elizabeth insisted.

  “And we must not tell Mamma,” Jane said. “Mr. Collins has strained Mamma’s nerves already.”

  “Mr. Collins would wear anyone thin in two days,” Mary said.

  “Except at the dinner table,” Elizabeth quipped to make her sisters smile. “There will be only one more supper with Mr. Collins.”

  “And I shall not miss his addresses,” Jane told her sisters.

  “Go and rest Jane,” Mary said. “Lizzy and I shall finish in here.”

  ++**++

  Chapter 25.

  Mr. Collins Asks Questions

  Clouds gathered all day threatening to bring rain and in consideration for the comfort of their guest, Elizabeth sent Mr. Thomas with Longbourn’s carriage to retrieve Mr. Collins from the inn rather than make him walk the two miles to their home. When he arrived late in the afternoon, his temper was disturbed by some matter that he was not long in bringing to their attention.

  Upon entrance to the house Mr. Collins allowed Mr. Hill to take his coat and hat before he cleared his throat and asked to speak with Mrs. Bennet and her two eldest daughters in private. The request caught Mrs. Bennet by surprise and she looked at her daughters for guidance.

  “We would be glad to hear you Mr. Collins,” Jane answered. Glancing at Elizabeth and Mary who both shrugged, she added, “But I believe that Mary must be included as well.”

  “What I must say is hardly suitable for your ears Miss Bennet, let alone your younger sister,” Mr. Collins answered. This response caught the attention of Lydia who usually tried to ignore Mr. Collins while not drawing the attention of her mother or her sisters.

  Mrs. Bennet’s three eldest daughters moved closer to their mother while Kitty took Lydia by the hand, led her into the parlour and closed the door behind them.

  “Hill, would you be so kind as to ask Mrs. Hill to prepare a pot of tea and then you may bring it to Mr. Bennet’s library,” Mrs. Bennet asked the butler.

  “Certainly, madam,” the man said as he bowed and left the entry hall for the kitchen at the back of the house.

  “Shall we adjourn to the library?” Elizabeth suggested and as she attempted to lead the way, Mr. Collins cut her off.

  “I shall escort your lady mother to the library,” he said coldly. “Follow after your sisters if you please!”

  Collins offered Mrs. Bennet his arm and led the ladies to the library. From the shadows of the hallway, Mr. Barrow emerged and his face reflected his surprise that mirrored Elizabeth’s.

  “Should I remain close by, my lady?” he asked and Elizabeth took a calming breath but nodded.

  “Please Barrow,” she replied. “I do not understand his purpose.”

  When she reached the library, with Barrow outside the door but out of sight, Mr. Collins pointed to a chair separated from her mother and sisters.

  “I prefer to stand,” Elizabeth replied.

  “What is your purpose in this interview, Mr. Collins?” Jane asked.

  The man turned to Jane and he attempted a sad, understanding smile that merely made him appear addled. “Cousin Jane, matters have been brought to my attention that must be discussed to bring proper order to this house.”

  ++**++

  Lydia slowly opened the parlour door and motioned Kitty to follow her.

  “Mamma will scold us for certain if she catches us listening,” Kitty said in a whisper.

  “Then stay here but I want to hear what the parson has to say,” Lydia replied as she tiptoed across the hall toward her father’s office. She found Mr. Barrow waiting in the shadows and Kitty followed her with Mrs. Barrow, and Mr. and Mrs. Hill not far behind, crowding into the hallway.

  ++**++

  “I have been in Meryton for the greater balance of a single week – a mere five days – to meet the inhabitants of this village and to view the different members of my family and our servants. Among the many souls that have introduced themselves to me as the future master of Longbourn, a few personages have shared varying views and information of a disturbing nature,” Collins said to begin one of his strangely worded, long diatribes.

  “Dear Mrs. Bennet – dear cousins – you must admit that Longbourn struggles along without Mr. Bennet. While the neighbourhood agrees that the ladies of the house have made a valiant effort to balance the accounts and deal with the servants, there are instances of high-handedness among your servants and one instance of total impropriety that is unacceptable in proper, Christian society.”

  “Lack of propriety?” asked Mrs. Bennet. “Whatever do you mean sir?”

  He pointed at Elizabeth and said, “I have been informed that this is a fallen woman and you have brought her into your midst, sheltered her natural child and polluted your other daughters, madam.”

  Jane and Mrs. Bennet were shocked into silence. Elizabeth’s eyes flashed surprise at the wild claim. In the hallway, Lydia asked, “Whatever does he mean?”

  Mrs. Barrow placed a hand on her husband’s arm to calm and restrain him. “Wait until you are called. Lady Elizabeth can deal with him.”

  “Proper society does not permit such a fallen woman – or her bastard child – to come into the presence of pure ladies and the God-fearing home! This proves that the ladies here need the hand of an honest man guarding the door,” Collins preached. “Your neighbours have grave concerns that the so-called wedding in Longbourn Church was never recorded, licensed or witnessed! How can you fabricate such a tale that makes a mockery of the most holy rite of marriage?”

  As Elizabeth glanced about the room for some heavy object with which to
bash Mr. Collins, she heard someone laughing. Everyone turned toward Mary – calm, quiet Mary – who was laughing harder and louder than anyone ever remember.

  “This is hardly a laughing matter Cousin Mary,” Collins said to chastise the young woman. “The shock of it… the disturbing nature of this horrible revelation… has addled poor Cousin Mary’s brain.”

  Wiping her eyes with her sleeves, Mary shook her head.

  “Mr. Collins, I understand that you have idle hours in the morning before it is the acceptable time to visit Longbourn but you would have done much better to have read sermons or talked to the blacksmith about the uses of horse manure than listen to Mrs. Fielding’s speculations about my sister.”

  “Daughter, of what do you speak?” asked Mrs. Bennet.

  “Mamma, do you remember last year how Mrs. Fielding had everyone in Meryton panicked that the French had landed at Bristol and South Hampton? She drove Sir William Lucas to distraction demanding that express riders be sent every day to London for news of the invasion.”

  “That is true!” Lydia added from the doorway. “Lady Lucas said that Mrs. Fielding should be kept at home but there was no one to check her gossip.”

  “But… but… Mrs. Fielding told me that Cousin Elizabeth’s so-called wedding was not properly witnessed. No one in Longbourn ever met this Major Hamilton that your sister is supposed to have married.”

  Elizabeth sat in the chair, speechless at the gossip that Mrs. Fielding spread and now Mr. Collins repeated.

  Mary shook her head. “Mr. Collins, would it have been difficult to speak with anyone else before repeating the hurtful lies that Mrs. Fielding told you? Did you speak with Mr. Fallows at our church? Did you speak to any gentleman in the village? If you will not believe our rector, I recommend that you speak to Sir William Lucas for the truth of the matter,” Mary instructed the clergyman. “Mrs. Fielding’s gossip bears no truth and your repetition does nothing but cause harm and hurt.”