Pretend Daddy

by Lulu Pratt

  Her words were laced with hurt and emotion. I felt her more than she probably understood. I had never talked to a woman about my father’s passing. It was too personal, but I could feel my shoulders dropping as I began to release the weight.

  “My dad died when I was in high school.”

  Ashley turned to me with pain in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Jake. I had no idea.”

  “It’s okay,” I assured her, wrapping my arms around her again. She settled against me, her back resting on my chest. “It used to be the three of us. Me, my mom and my dad. We were practically inseparable. My dad adored my mom. They did everything together. My friends’ parents always seemed to be together for the kids. Like, they were the glue. But not my family. My parents were still in love, and I was just the evidence.”

  I took a deep breath, telling a story I hadn’t shared in years.

  “When my dad died, it broke my mom… and me. We just weren’t expecting it. He was healthy and young, but an accident at work killed him instantly. Everything I knew came crashing down. My mom was lost and I felt responsible for guiding her back, but I didn’t know how to get there.”

  Inhaling, I held the breath for an extra second before exhaling. The emotions were still so raw, despite the time that had passed since my father’s death. When I closed my eyes, I still saw the young boy, clueless about how to move forward.

  “Recently, my mom told me I’d exceeded all the expectations she and my dad had for me, and that touched my heart. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, is to make her proud. And help fill the void my pops left.”

  “Your mom adores you.” Ashley glanced up and I kissed her temple. “She has to be so proud of the life you’ve created for yourself. And now you’ve given her Jasper. Every mom wishes to be a grandma one day. I can tell how special it is to her.”

  I paused, questioning if telling Ashley too much could scare her off. My life was a bit of a mess, but nothing I revealed ever seemed to affect the way she felt about me, or Jasper. I didn’t want to have secrets between us, so I took another breath before continuing.

  “I don’t know if Jasper is my biological son.”

  Ashley didn’t say a word, but her presence calmed me. Feeling her body pressed against mine was all I needed to relax, and confide in her without the fear of being judged. I trusted her with everything, including my secrets.

  “Do you want to know?” she finally asked.

  It was a question I’d struggled with recently. “Not really,” I honestly answered. “But I don’t have much of a choice. I want to get full custody from his mother, and my lawyer said proving paternity is the best way to do that. My mom ambushed me with an appointment to have a DNA test done, and now I’m just awaiting the results.”

  Ashley fell silent again, and her closeness pushed me forward.

  “It doesn’t matter what they say, Jasper will always be my son. And I want full custody of him, regardless. I was only with his mother once. And she didn’t tell me about him for years. But she named him after me.” She tilted her head upwards so our eyes could lock. “Jasper is my middle name.”

  “Jake Jasper Williams. I like that.” Her smile relaxed me. As always, she didn’t judge me, but instead encouraged me to be my full self. I held her, grateful for everything she had brought into my life, until it was time for bed.

  A few hours later a bad dream jolted me awake. A beautiful image of Ashley had transformed into a woman I barely recognized. She was combative and unruly – Anna-Louise was there instead, yelling and arguing with me. I awoke with my heart racing, and I glanced over to see Ashley sleeping peacefully.

  I climbed out of bed slowly, careful not to disturb her, before going to the kitchen. So much had changed since Ashley had come into my life. She had rearranged the cabinets in the kitchen so that the plates and glasses were above the dishwasher and the spices next to the stove, and when I opened the refrigerator, I was greeted by more options than I was used to.

  Selecting a bottle of water, I noted all the meals cooked and stored in Tupperware. She reminded me of my mother, the way she planned for meals and prepped ingredients ahead of time.

  When I finally climbed back into bed, I was relaxed again, ready to drift back to sleep. Feeling my presence, Ashley rolled over, her arm resting on my chest. Her eyes were still closed, and I wondered what she was dreaming about, when her lips parted slowly.

  “I love you,” she breathed.

  My heart halted, a grin spreading instantly. Without hesitation I responded, “I love you too, Ashley,” before softly kissing her lips.

  I only wished she were awake, so she could hear my response and know just how strongly I felt about her. I closed my eyes, dreaming of the day when we would tell each other openly. She deserved to know how I felt about her, and I couldn’t wait to live up to all her expectations.

  Chapter 31

  ASHLEY

  “WHERE ARE WE going?” I asked for perhaps the tenth time.

  “Just wait. You’ll ruin the surprise,” Catharine ordered.

  She’d been keeping the secret all afternoon, determined to show me something she swore I would want to see. It had taken me three days to finally agree to her request, because there wasn’t any time I cared to leave Jake and Jasper.

  It was my day off, but that didn’t matter. These days, there was a murky difference between when I was on the clock and when I was off, because I spent every waking moment with Jasper and every night with Jake. We had created a family unit, and there wasn’t a place I’d rather be than with them.

  In the passing days, I had thought more about what Jake had told me during our bath together. I’d suspected that he wasn’t sure about Jasper being his biological son, but that did nothing to prepare me for the confirmation. My doubts were only based on the fact that he didn’t know Anna-Louise had a child when he returned.

  Knowing that Jake was doing all this without proof, and intended to continue to care for Jasper regardless, only made me love him more. He was such a stand-up guy, with morals and standards. He could see that Jasper needed help and he was going to step in and provide it, whether it was his responsibility or not. He’d take his vow to his fallen best friend to heart, and I respected that.

  In the time I’d spent with him, I’d developed a close bond with Jasper as well. I couldn’t imagine not being a part of his life. Any time I was away from him, like now, I wondered what he was doing and if he had eaten properly. I knew his schedule better than anyone, including Jake.

  I was lost to my thoughts – of Jake, Jasper and my new life – that I didn’t notice when Catharine finally pulled into the parking lot. There were two other small stores connected to a small abandoned storefront. The windows were covered in dust, and the sign missing, but I’d never forget what used to be there.

  When I was younger, my dad owned what was now abandoned. He was a wizard with cars and could fix anything. So, he opened his own auto body shop, which he called Master Mechanic Marty. When I was younger, I thought it was the cleverest name ever.

  “Come on,” Catharine announced as she rushed from the driver’s seat.

  I was more reluctant, having so many memories tied to what now felt destroyed. When my father passed away, I had close up the shop, and had not been by to see it since. In fact, I hadn’t even thought of the place that used to be so important in my life as it brought back such conflicting memories. It was a piece of my father, a shell of him, and seeing it so abandoned hurt.

  I followed Catharine on autopilot, but my heart was heavy. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what had become of the place of business where we’d spent so many childhood days. Still, I walked with her from room to the next. We could only see our movements because of the daylight as there were no bulbs, and I feared to be left alone in the darkness.

  A thick layer of dust coated everything, including what looked to be abandoned car parts on the floor. Tools were splayed about, with a wooden podium corroding in the corner. It was where my dad would
have his small computer to keep track of everything. I’d set up a program for him after noticing how inefficient his paper files were in an endless pile of notebooks.

  “I was driving down this back road last week to meet this guy and couldn’t believe Master Mechanic Marty was still here.” Catharine beamed like she had discovered a mystery.

  “This isn’t Master Mechanic Marty,” I shot back nastier than I’d intended.

  My emotions were brewing. This didn’t feel like a reunion for me, but revisiting a wound that had yet to heal. It was a clear indication that I’d failed my father. After his death, I tried to keep his business alive for a few months, searching for mechanics and trying to fulfill orders. But in the end, I couldn’t fill his footsteps. He was the magic that kept the place going, and without him things fell apart fast.

  “I know this place represents some bad memories,” Catharine started, moving closer as she carefully watched her steps. There was debris everywhere, and neither of us wanted to learn if there was anything living in the clutter. It seems the landlord hadn’t managed to rent the place out since we’d been there last.

  “Worse than bad,” I felt tears burning at the corners of my eyes.

  “I know, sweetie, but that’s just one side of it. Remember, I was here with you every day when we tried to keep your dad’s memory alive. I went through those bad times with you.”

  It was true. She was the one who convinced me I could keep it open if I wanted. And every day the two of us had spent early mornings and late nights right where we stood now. She was my oldest and dearest friend. There wasn’t much I had experienced without her.

  “Remember your birthday party here? All the girls in class thought we were crazy!” She laughed and I found myself smiling at the memory.

  On my tenth birthday, we’d had a party right in the shop. My dad said I could go anywhere and do anything. He’d later tell me he wanted to take me down to Disney World, thinking any normal kid would obviously request that.

  But I wasn’t normal. I didn’t even have to think about it. I told him I wanted a Master Mechanic Marty birthday and refused to be talked out of it. When he finally agreed, my dad tried to add princess-themed decorations, but I wouldn’t have it.

  In the end, my friends were dropped off at an auto body shop, and their parents were mortified. One girl’s mom refused to let her stay without her. I didn’t care. It was the coolest thing in the world to me. Catharine and I showed them all our hidden spaces we’d discovered during our days in the shop. We showed them how to work some of the machinery, and I’d bragged about how brilliant my dad was.

  He smiled as I boasted about his ability to fix any car, while more mechanics could only work on certain brands. The girls didn’t care, but it was special to me. We’d eaten pizza and had cake and ice cream in the back of the shop, on a makeshift tent my dad built us.

  “There’s a lot of good memories, too, Ash,” my best friend reminded me.

  “You’re right.” I nodded, feeling a tear fall down my cheek.

  “I talked to the landlord. I gave him a little deposit and he said it’s enough for us to hang out here whenever we want. At least until he finds someone to rent it,” she said.

  “Are you serious? I can’t open a shop, Catharine,” I huffed. My schedule was jam packed. Opening a business was the least of my desires.

  “Of course not, silly. We couldn’t do it then and I doubt we can do it now,” she teased, draping her arm around my shoulder. “But it can be our place to hang out and get away from everything. It’s a big part of who we are, and I thought we should embrace that for as long as we can.”

  Pride began to balloon in my chest. I had always wanted to find a way to connect with my father more, and this was the perfect opportunity. Catharine was always a good friend to me because she knew things about me that others didn’t. And she didn’t let me forget how much good had come along with the bad.

  It was easy to look at my life and how much things had changed after Nathan’s betrayal with bitterness in my mouth. But the truth was, it wasn’t all bad. I had enjoyed an incredibly fun and protected childhood, thanks to the hard work and sacrifice of my father. Unlike most men, he loved being a single father and raising me on his own. We had developed a bond that was unbreakable, my first love. I had become the woman I was because of him. Any and every connection I had to that love and those wonderful memories was a great one.

  Hugging Catharine, I let the tears loose, crying hard as I embraced the memory of my father and how much he meant to me. It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me. I felt closer than ever to her, my one true friend.

  Chapter 32

  JAKE

  I’D NEVER SEEN Anna-Louise’s home in such order. Usually, there were discarded takeout boxes and empty glasses lining the counter, but today everything was cleaned. She seemed to have showered, and the dark circles under her eyes had faded.

  “You look much better,” I smiled as she prepared a glass of iced tea for me. Whenever I came to visit, I would request something to drink to see the back of her apartment. It was where Jasper used to sleep, and I always needed to check on how she kept it up.

  “I feel better,” she nodded, turning to close the refrigerator. “I’ve been taking my medication.”

  “How’s that been?”

  In the past, she’d told me endless reasons why she didn’t want to continue taking them.

  “I’ve gained a bit of weight, but it helps me get out of bed in the morning,” she admitted.

  “You don’t look like you’ve gained weight,” I frowned, accepting the glass from her.

  “Yeah right!” She rolled her eyes as she plopped down on the kitchen chair.

  I didn’t want to tell her that she could stand to gain weight. When I first returned from Iraq, she was a skeleton of herself. I was elated to see her looking better.

  “Seriously, you look great.” I watched her blush as I sipped the tea. It was far too sweet, as most Southerners tended to make.

  “I’ve been trying, Jake. I really have. I know I was a mess.” She rubbed her hands nervously. It was one of the calmest conversations we’d had in a long time, and I wanted to tread lightly knowing how quickly things could go downhill.

  “There’s nothing you can’t recover from,” I said.

  She nodded, agreeing with me, which I felt was a good sign. I had some news to share with her, but I wasn’t sure if the timing was right. So, I allowed the silence to continue, waiting her out. Things had to move at her pace if I had any plans of succeeding.

  “I know I need help,” Anna-Louise admitted. Her eyes were glassy and I could hear the emotion in her voice.

  There was a lot that had happened during my time abroad, fighting for my country. But my most vivid memory was undoubtedly promising Justin I would look after his little sister. Now, looking across the room at Anna-Louise, I felt it was time I pushed things forward. She needed encouragement to continue her journey, and I knew there was no one else who could give it to her.

  “How do you think I can help you?”

  “I don’t know, really,” Anna-Louise looked down at her feet as she wrestled with the messy bun of hair on top of her head. I could tell she was nervous about something, though I wasn’t sure what.

  “You can talk to me,” I pushed. I needed her to know she could trust me. I was on her team and needed her to know she could lean on me when she needed.

  “I have nightmares.” She glanced up at me. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but I refused to break away from her. “Even when I’m awake.”

  Her revelation surprised me. I’d had plenty of friends from the military tell similar stories, constantly reliving the nightmares of war.

  “I see Justin all the time,” she continued, bringing up her brother. “It was just me and him, you know. He was more than my brother. Justin was my best friend and my only family.”

  Anna-Louise was a constant fixture in my childhood. Being friends with
Justin meant his little sister always had to tag along. With them it was less because she adored her brother, and more because there was no parental supervision to leave her with.

  “I was in the second grade when my dad left. I can still remember my mom breaking down.” She looked away as she recalled the memory.

  I went to get her a glass of tea. Her cabinets were bare, and I made a mental note to get her some groceries in the coming week. Even though she wasn’t caring for Jasper any longer, I wanted to help Anna-Louise to get on her feet. I was happy to see that she was doing better, and happy to help her keep moving forward.

  I handed her the glass and she thanked me quietly before taking a sip. “This is too sweet!”

  I chuckled at her reaction and we both laughed. It felt good to have a relaxed moment with her, even if it was amid a dramatic recollection. At the core, we were friends. We’d taken things a bit too far one night, and that alcohol-infused decision may have changed the course of our lives. But that didn’t change the innocence of our introduction. I was grateful to be able to reconnect on that level.

  Anna-Louise took another sip of tea as I sat across from her at the small table. “Everyone remembers my mom as a drug addict. But before that, she was my mom. She went to recitals, took Justin to practices and me to gym classes. She was like a super mom.”

  We smiled at each other, but the truth was, I didn’t know that side of her mother. From the time Justin and I had become friends, his mother went from bad to worse. At first, she was always in her room whenever I came over. No matter what happened, his mother never left the room.

  Unlike at my house, Justin didn’t have to ask permission for anything. We could go to the park without telling anyone. And if we ever needed help or a ride, there was no one who could help us. Justin was the one who taught me how to ride the city bus, because his mother would never be available for a ride to practice like my mother was.