“Oh, Jackson, that’s so sad.”
“Not really. I learned how strong I was. I didn’t need a mother.”
Christina didn’t believe Jackson didn’t need his mother. The pain in his voice told the real story. “What happened between you and your dad?”
“Nothing. I wanted to forget her, all my dad wanted to do was remember her. That’s the way it is now. He can’t get over her.”
“He must have loved her a great deal,” Christina offered.
“If love did this to my dad, who needs love?”
The bitterness in his tone made Christina cringe. “What does it mean when you say you love me, Jackson? You don’t have a real high opinion of love.”
He sat up then and looked at her. His feelings for her were real. “I know that everything that’s called love isn’t love. I’ve seen the effects of false love in my mom and dad.”
“Why did you pursue me, then? What were you looking for? A good time?” Christina wasn’t sure she’d like the answers to those questions, but she wanted them.
Jackson must have sensed her uneasiness, because he turned and pulled her into his arms before he answered. “I was first attracted to you when I saw you walk in the building that morning before the interview. I liked the way you moved. Your legs and your breasts.” He squeezed her close. “They bounced as you walked across the street.”
Christina remembered that morning. She had known he was watching her.
“I was surprised to find that my mystery lady was also my boss. That information should have stopped me, but I couldn’t help myself,” he stated simply.
“Be for real, Jackson.”
“I’m serious. You were on my mind constantly. When I started going out with Angela, I hoped she would help me to not think about you so much. It didn’t happen. The more I tried not to think about you, the more I thought about you. You got under my skin really quick, lady.”
Christina liked hearing that. She turned and gave him a quick kiss.
“To answer your last question, I wouldn’t have pursued you if all I wanted was a good time. I pursued you because I sensed there was something special between us.”
“Magic,” she whispered. She remembered he had called it magic.
“At the time, I didn’t want to put a label on it. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought that we had a chance to have something as solid as Reggie’s parents have. I’d never felt that before.”
Warmth spread over her at his words. “Do you ever think that we’ll end up like your parents?”
He didn’t answer immediately. She gave him time. “Sometimes, when I’m thinking about how well we fit, I begin to wonder if it’s all in my mind and I get scared. It’s possible we’ll end up like them, but I don’t think we will.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“A lot of little things. We share the same work ethic. We talk about everything. We’re sexually compatible. I love being with you. We don’t have to talk. We don’t have to do anything. I just like being with you, being in the same room with you. Being in the same house and knowing that you’re in the house, even if you’re not in the same room. I like going to bed with you and I like waking up with you. You’re good for me, Christina.”
Christina pressed closer to him. “I feel the same way. I can’t imagine coming home without you. It’s as though you’re a part of me. It’s scary, but it’s good.” She peeked up at him. “You make me feel beautiful.”
“You are beautiful,” he said.
“You make me believe that,” she said.
“You know that we’re sounding like an old married couple, don’t you?”
“I can’t imagine feeling more committed to you than I do now.”
“I feel the same way,” he said.
She listened to the regular thump of his heart and felt content to be in his arms, glad they had shared what was in their hearts. He surprised her when he spoke again.
“Do you want to get married?” he asked.
Sixteen
“Married?” Christina’s first thought was that this was a proposal.
“Yes, do you want to get married?”
“Now? Someday?”
“This wasn’t meant to be a difficult question, Christina,” Jackson said dryly. “Let’s try ‘someday.’”
“Sure, I want to get married,” she said offhandedly. “There are a lot of benefits to having a man around.”
“You don’t have to be married to have a man around. You have me now and we aren’t married. Do you want to get married?”
Christina thought again that Jackson was a lot like her mother. He always brought her back to the real issue. “Yes, Jackson, I want to get married. I’ve always wanted to get married.”
He heard the wistfulness in her voice. “You didn’t have any role models for marriages as a child, either, did you?”
“Not really. My mom was a great mom, but I missed having a dad. I’ve developed a lot of theories about the role a father plays in his daughter’s life.”
“That’s only natural. You look at what you missed and you think he may have filled that. The reality is that even if he were there, he might not have filled those roles.”
“You’re probably right,” Christina said. She often fantasized about life with a father. She wasn’t ready yet to give up those dreams.
“Tell me your theories,” Jackson said.
Christina pulled away from him to look into his eyes. “Are
you sure you want to hear this? I’ve had a lot of years to develop these theories. It may get a little long.”
Jackson kissed her softly on the lips. “We’ve got all day and all night.”
Christina rested her head back against his chest. “My first theory is that girls learn to relate to boys by watching their mothers relate and interact with their fathers. Growing up in a house with no males make boys more foreign and, in some ways, more frightening. They’re really an unknown quantity.”
“That makes sense. All kids learn about the interaction of the sexes from their parents’ model. You and I are proof of that. What’s your next theory?”
“Well, I think that a little girl’s confidence in her sexual self is given to her in her father’s eyes.”
“That I don’t understand,” Jackson said.
“It’s difficult for me to express. The father is the first man in a girl’s life. She wants to please him in all ways. His acceptance or rejection of her is what she expects to find in other men. If Daddy thinks she’s smart and pretty, there’s no reason for her to expect other men will think any differently. If Daddy thinks she’s dumb or ugly, there’s no reason for her to expect that other men will be any different in their view, either.”
“What if Daddy isn’t there?”
Christina had first-hand knowledge of that case. “If Daddy isn’t there, the girl’s first experience with a male is one of rejection.”
“Not all fathers are absent because they want to be,” Jackson reminded her. “What about cases where the father dies?”
She shook her head. “Children don’t understand the difference. It’s still rejection. The result—the little girl’s expectation—is that every man will reject her.”
“Is that how you felt?”
Christina expected the question. “I think so. I’ve never had to depend on a man, so I never had the experience of him being there when I needed him. You know, I remember a girlfriend in college saying that I had a lot of male friends. When she said that, I thought about it. She was right. I was friends with a lot of guys—none of them romantic, though. I was a friend who listened, but I didn’t trust them and I didn’t respect them.”
“No trust and no respect. That’s pretty cold, Christina.”
“I know, but you have to remember my theory,” Christina explained. “My expectation is that men will either reject me in the beginning or they’ll reject me in the end. That kind of thinki
ng doesn’t allow for much trust or respect.”
“Well, I hope your opinions have changed now.”
“Of course they have. I know there are good men out there. I have professional relationships with men that I trust and respect.”
He squeezed her to him. “What about personal relationships? What about me?”
She turned to face him. “You’re a whole new experience for me.” She turned back around.
“How’s that?”
She heard the smile in his voice and turned to face him again. “You make me feel things that I’ve never felt before. You make me think all my dreams will come true.”
Jackson kissed her then. “I want to make them come true, Christina, if you’ll let me.”
Christina searched for the words to express to Jackson how much he had given her already. He had taken her dreams for love, marriage, and family and brought them so close that she could touch them. “I wish I could tell you how much I love you.”
“I know, Christina. I love you, too.”
She smiled. “And how are you so sure that I love you?”
He gave her a smug masculine smile. He touched her eyes. “I can see it here. They light up when you see me.” He touched the comers of her mouth. “I can see it here. You have a smile that’s reserved just for me.” He ran his forefinger up and down her cheek. “You’ve taught me what love is.”
She felt his intensity. At that moment, she was overwhelmed with love for him. She couldn’t say anything so she put all her emotions, all her love, into a long, wet kiss. When it was over, she turned around and burrowed into his chest. “There’s no place I’d rather be than in your arms.”
He squeezed her. “Sometimes I want to take you away so I can have you all to myself. Someplace where I wouldn’t have to share you. You’d be all mine. All the time.”
How beautiful that sounded. Beautiful and unrealistic. “You’d get tired of me.”
“Never.”
The forcefulness of that one word shook her. She knew he meant it. She realized he wasn’t going to allow her to minimize his feelings for her. “Your love for me is hard for me to get a handle on.”
“What do you mean by that?” he asked.
“I know you love me, but sometimes it’s hard for me to understand and to believe that you have as much invested in this relationship as I do. I always think of the woman as having the greater emotional investment.”
“I don’t know who has the greater investment, but I’m as committed to this relationship as you are. I can be hurt as easily as you.”
Christina waited before saying, “Rosalind told me not to hurt you. I thought it odd for her to say that. I thought she should have been more concerned with your hurting me. She also said that we should be good to each other.”
“We’re doing that.”
Christina nodded. She picked up one of Jackson’s hands that rested on her stomach. As she began counting his fingers, she asked, “Do you want children?”
“A couple.”
“Boys or girls?”
“I prefer boys, but as long as they’re healthy I won’t complain.”
“What do you have against girls?” she asked.
“I’d rather spend the next twenty years telling my boys to stay away from other people’s girls than spend them telling other people’s boys to stay away from my girls.”
She pinched him. “I want children, too. One boy and one girl.” Christina thought for a while. She turned to look at Jackson. “Can you picture me pregnant?”
Jackson turned her so she faced him and her body was fully flush his. “I can’t picture how you’d look pregnant, but I can definitely picture you getting pregnant.”
***
“I checked with Betty, and next weekend is good for us,” Ellis said.
“Good. It’s about time she and Christina met.”
“Betty’s eager to meet her. Once she accepted that you and Angela weren’t getting married, she was pretty receptive to hearing good things about Christina.”
Jackson laughed, then signaled the waiter for a fresh drink. “Has Mrs. Matchmaker found another mate for Angela yet?”
“No, and between you and me, I think Angela’s told her to butt out for a while.”
“Good for Angela.”
“Is she coming to this get-together?” Ellis asked.
“Yes. She and Christina are working together on a fundraiser. They like each other.”
“You and Christina must be pretty serious if you’re giving parties together,” Ellis said, popping a pretzel in his mouth.
“We’re pretty serious. I asked her to marry me the other night.”
Ellis slapped Jackson on the back. “I don’t believe it! What did she say?”
“She didn’t understand the question, or maybe she chose not to understand the question. I’m still not sure which it was.”
“What do you mean, she didn’t understand the question?”
Jackson shrugged as if it didn’t matter, but it did. “I asked her if she wanted to get married, and she said yes. Somehow, it was never clear that she wanted to marry me.”
“I don’t understand. Did you ask her to marry you or did you ask if she wanted to get married?”
“I asked if she wanted to get married. Who would I be talking about, if not myself?”
Ellis shook his head. “You have a lot to learn, man. Christina probably didn’t understand your question. Imagine yourself in her position. What if she had said she would marry you and you had said, ‘Well I wasn’t talking about marrying me, I was talking about marriage in general?’ When she answered in general terms, you should have told her the question was about the two of you. Why didn’t you do that?”
He didn’t do that because he’d been unsure what her answer would be, especially after their conversation about rejection. “I got scared, man. I hadn’t planned to ask her.”
“Join the club. I felt that way with Betty. I wanted her, but I never would’ve married her if I thought I could keep her without marrying her.”
“That’s the difference with me and Christina. I’ve never wanted to get married, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Ellis slapped him on the back again. “Well, you’d better practice proposing if you want to get married, because what you did last time was a bust.”
***
“Calm down, Christina,” Jackson said. “Everything’s going to be perfect.”
“Maybe we should have had it at your apartment, after all. We spend most of our time there anyway.”
Jackson walked over to her and placed a hand on each of her arms. “Why are you so nervous? It’s only a party. They’re people we already know.”
She pulled away from him and leaned against the kitchen sink. “You don’t understand, Jackson. This is more than a party.”
He looked at her. “I’m not usually dense, but you’ll have to explain that one to me.”
“This is the first event we’ve held as a couple. We’re inviting people to the home that we share together. It’s not just a party.” She wiped at her tears.
“There’s no need to cry,” Jackson said, and then he laughed softly.
“Don’t laugh at me,” she said between her tears.
“I’m not laughing at you, sweetheart,” he said. “I love you too much for that. I’m laughing because you’re so unpredictable. Sometimes I think you’re two different women.”
Christina sniffled and asked, “What do you mean by that?”
He pulled her to him. God, he loved this woman. The love had come quickly, but it was in no way shallow. She was a part of him now and he was determined to keep her. “Don’t take it wrong. You’re different at work than you are here at home. At work, you’re all strong and in control. At home, you’re just as strong, but nowhere near as in control.” He wiped her tears and smiled. “I’m laughing because I’m so glad that I have you.”
The doorbell rang then. “I do. Now I’m going to greet the first guest. Take care of your eyes. We don’t want the guests to think that I beat you.”
Jackson went to the door. He opened it to see Liza and Robert. “Glad you guys got here first.” He looked at Liza. “Christina’s in the kitchen. She could probably use a friend right now.”
“Okay, I’m off for the kitchen,” Liza said. “Don’t you two get into any trouble.”
Jackson led Robert to the living room. Before they could sit, the doorbell rang again. This time it was Jewel, Michael, Ellis, and Betty. “We drove together,” Ellis explained.
“Come on in, Robert and Liza are already here,” Jackson said. Christina and Liza came out of the kitchen and Jackson made the introductions. When they had all been introduced, the women went back to the kitchen.
“Jackson told us that you were a frat. We’ll look to see you at the meeting next week,” Ellis said to Robert.
“I’ll be there,” Robert said. “Where’s it going to be?”
“Paschal’s on MLK,” Ellis answered.
“Where do you live?”
“We were fortunate. We found a place in Jackson’s building downtown.”
“You and Jackson can come together, then.”
Jackson spoke up. “I planned to do that, though we’re usually out here on weekends.”
Mike clapped Jackson on the back. “Yeah, he and Christina live in their downtown quarters during the week and they come to their country place on the weekend.”
The men all laughed.
“You joke, but it’s working well,” Jackson explained. “Christina likes not having the long commute every day, and I love being out here on the weekends.”
“So, when’s the big day?” Robert asked. He was looking at Jackson.
“Big day for what?” Jackson asked.
“The wedding, of course. You’re acting married, you’re talking married, you’re living married. When are you going to get married?”
Jackson glanced at Ellis. He wasn’t ready to talk to the other guys about his feelings. “We haven’t talked about dates yet. We’re enjoying being together.”
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