3

by Jacob Z. Flores

  The man he’d sought revenge against. The man who’d become his friend. The man who stirred something frighteningly familiar within him.

  I can’t do this, he thought. Not again. I’m not making things better. I’m making them worse. I don’t deserve anyone, and I don’t deserve to live.

  Dutch reached out again into the darkness, searching for a new hand. He stumbled around until he found one that was attached to another hard cock. He pulled the arm to him and placed the hard cock against his already moist ass. As the new cock slid inside him, Dutch hoped he had found what he was looking for, the cock that would ultimately be the death of him and put an end to his miserable life.

  CHAPTER 39

  2010

  SPENCER felt exposed and powerless, which only added to his misery. The task before him was daunting enough; he didn’t need to add helplessness to the emotions that spun inside him like a tornado. Regardless of his desires, vulnerability swept across him as he sat in the restaurant booth, waiting for Justin to join him for lunch.

  In a few minutes, he would once again look into the face he fell so madly in love with. The face that belonged to the man who betrayed him by sleeping with Dutch and falling in love with him. A face he hadn’t seen for two months. A face that had the power to bypass his defenses, despite the pain already inflicted.

  He’d spent the past few weeks working through his anger, and still the thought of Justin and Dutch together caused his blood to rapidly boil. To think that he could have been so trusting to not once entertain the idea that Justin fooled around while he was in England made him feel stupid. Spencer assumed since he had been faithful, Justin had been too.

  Still, he didn’t know what right he had to continue to be angry. He had been faithful in the strictest definition of the word. But in its loose interpretation, he landed just shy of true fidelity.

  The anger he believed to be righteous turned out to be far from it. Over the course of the past few weeks, he’d come to the realization that his anger wasn’t entirely based on Justin’s betrayal. That was certainly a good part of it. What also disturbed him was that he felt betrayed by Justin and Dutch.

  For reasons he couldn’t yet comprehend, he felt Dutch belonged to him. Dutch was his secret friend, his personal connection. The two of them had created a special bond, and Justin infringed upon that. Even worse, Dutch let it happen.

  Justin shared a part of Dutch that Spencer hadn’t experienced. Not because he didn’t want to but because he was trying to remain faithful to his relationship with Justin. To learn that his sacrifice hadn’t been equally met made him bitter with resentment.

  Yet he realized Dutch was right; it was time to let that go. He could no longer hold Justin solely responsible for the problems in their relationship or for mistakes that were not only his. Justin could no longer be expected to shoulder the brunt of the burden. It was time to clean up the mess he’d contributed to.

  That was why he agreed to meet Justin for lunch today.

  “I thought I would be the first to arrive,” Justin said sliding in the booth opposite of him. “Sorry if you’ve been waiting long.”

  The suddenness of Justin’s appearance threw him. One minute he was staring at the wooden back of the booth opposite him and the next Justin’s face had magically appeared. Typically, he became angry at any intrusion upon his thoughts, but staring into Justin’s eyes, he found himself lost on the sandy beach of Justin’s brown eyes.

  “I haven’t been here long,” he replied, averting his eyes from Justin’s. Even though he wanted to hammer out some of their problems, he had no intention of looking like a lovesick schoolgirl.

  “You look great,” Justin told him. “It’s been too long. Far too long.”

  Spencer wanted to agree, but his mouth refused to give voice to his heart. He felt vulnerable enough without admitting that he too had longed to see Justin. “Thank you,” was what he replied. “You seem no worse for the wear yourself.”

  “It’s all smoke and mirrors.”

  “Well, it seems to be working for you.”

  “I don’t know about that, but I’m glad you think so.”

  For a few moments, they sat in silence and drank each other in. Their gazes crawled over each other’s bodies. They skimmed the curves of the jaw line and surfed the downward plunge of the throat to the chest. Gliding along the swell of rounded pectorals straining against fabric, they slid down the chest wall, which descended past the wooden table at which they sat.

  The connection that once so tightly bound them to each other reformed. It was a pale version of the previous tether, but he was pleased to see it still existed between them.

  “Have you ordered?” Justin asked, picking up the menu. His face flushed red. “The migas here are great!”

  “I’ve never eaten here,” Spencer told him, as a warmth also spread across his cheeks. “But I know how much you love your migas.”

  “You can’t go wrong with fried corn tortillas, scrambled eggs, and cheese,” Justin said while setting the menu back down. His cheeks had returned to their normal tanned hue.

  “Migas it is, then,” Spencer replied as the waitress came to take their order. When she left, an uncomfortable quiet descended upon them. Suddenly, the weight of too many unspoken words pressed upon their chests, making speech almost impossible.

  “Why did you want to meet?” Spencer asked, forcing himself to break the silence. “You must obviously have something you want to say to me that we haven’t already said.” His last comment sounded snarkier than he intended, and Justin’s surprised expression strummed a pang of guilt. He fought the urge to apologize as he waited for Justin’s answer.

  “I’ve been trying to see you since you left my mother’s house,” Justin finally answered.

  “I know,” Spencer admitted. “You’ve left numerous messages for me everywhere. My phone. At work. With everyone we know.”

  “Why haven’t you called me back?”

  “I didn’t see the point.”

  Justin gulped in reply. Spencer knew what that meant. Justin was attempting to suppress a rising sob. He had only seen him cry maybe three times in the ten years they were together. He hated himself for deriving small pleasure from Justin’s pain, as if his hurt somehow paid a debt of misery owed to Spencer.

  “I wanted to tell you something that you probably already know,” Justin said.

  “Which is?” He knew what Justin wanted to tell him. After all, moving in with Dutch was his idea. The revelation wouldn’t be a surprise, but it was one Justin had to make. He had to see his decision for what it was. That was partly why Spencer had agreed to lunch in the first place. Sure, he had his own confessions to make, but Justin needed to finally understand his actions and what they revealed about his true emotions.

  “I’ve moved in with Dutch.”

  Spencer stared at him blankly. He didn’t want to give anything away prematurely. “And you’re telling me this why?”

  Justin reached across the table to hold Spencer’s hand, but Spencer moved his hands to his lap. It was too soon for physical contact. “Because I wanted you to hear it from me. To understand that I only moved in with him because I feel responsible for his injuries. I’m just trying to help him recuperate. Get him back on his feet. It’s nothing more than that.”

  He sighed. Justin still refused to see the truth. “You really still believe that?”

  “What do you mean?” Justin asked. He looked hurt. “I’m telling you the truth. I only want to be with you. I would move back in with you now if you’d let me.”

  “I can’t decide if you’re lying to me or to yourself.”

  “I’m not lying to anyone. Honest to God.”

  “But you are, Justin. For some reason, you can’t see that.”

  Justin exhaled deeply. He ran his fingers through his short hair. It was Justin’s way of dealing with irritation, as if the simple act of fingers combing through hair had any connection to his mood. “I see everything just
fine,” he finally said.

  “That’s where you’re wrong,” pointed out Spencer. “You’re in denial.”

  “You know I hate it when someone tells me how I’m feeling,” Justin said. It was true. Justin hated when anyone presumed to know him better than he knew himself. Even when they did. “Tell me what you think I’m denying.”

  “The truth.”

  “You want the truth?” Justin asked, more than slightly irritated. “Well, here it is. I love you, Spence. I always have. I always will. You don’t believe me. You don’t trust me. I get that. And I understand why. But don’t tell me that I don’t love you. Not when every cell in my body cries out for you every night that we don’t sleep together. Not when the only thing I want to do this very moment is to take you in my arms.”

  Spencer’s upper lip trembled. The sincerity in Justin’s words told him he was being truthful, but he also knew that Justin still remained blind to reality, a reality he had to see if there was any hope to resurrect their love from the flames of betrayal. “I hear what you’re saying,” he finally said. “But you’re not hearing what I’m saying.”

  “Okay,” Justin said. His irritation slowly slipped away. “Tell me what I’m not hearing. I want to hear you. I want to make this better.”

  “And I want to tell you. I really do, but I can’t help but feel as if telling you defeats the purpose. This is something you’ve got to arrive at on your own.”

  “That’s a cop-out,” Justin replied. “You’re passing the buck, not willing to share in the responsibility of working this out, of fixing us.”

  “You have no idea how wrong you are,” he told Justin. “You’re completely clueless as to what I’ve done to try to fix this.”

  “What have you done?” Justin asked. “Because from where I sit, it looks like all you’ve done is run.” Anger quickly overcame his irritation. Justin apparently harbored secret resentment of his own. “You let your hurt force you to turn tail instead of facing up to your problem.”

  Spencer reeled. All he did was face their problems, but Justin didn’t know that. He wanted Justin to see the truth, but he had failed to see the truth through Justin’s eyes. How could Justin not think he had been running? Justin had no knowledge of the plan he set into motion.

  “I haven’t been running,” he finally told Justin. “I’ve been fighting for us.”

  “I don’t see how.”

  “I realize that now, and I’m truly sorry for that. That’s part of what this lunch is for. To clear the air. To see things from both our perspectives. But you’re going to have to open your eyes too, Justin. You need to see what you’re not seeing.”

  “You keep saying that,” Justin responded. “What am I not seeing? Please tell me.”

  “You won’t like what I’m going to say, but I’m going to say it anyway.”

  “Okay, then. I’m ready.”

  “You got irritated at me just awhile ago for thinking I know what you feel.” Justin nodded, waiting for him to continue. “But I know you better than most anyone else. Sometimes even better than you know yourself.”

  “I can accept that,” Justin responded.

  “Then consider this,” Spencer said. “Consider that this might be one of those instances. Maybe this is like the time you were hurt about your father spending time with your cousins and not you. You pretended as if it didn’t bother you. I knew better. You were angry at me then too, remember?”

  “I was furious with you,” Justin corrected. “But, yes, you were right. I was hurt.”

  “It’s my opinion, as someone who has spent the last ten years of his life living with you, that you’re not seeing this situation any more clearly than you see your father. There’s something you’re not admitting to yourself out of fear. That is keeping you from moving on. From us moving on.”

  “Okay,” Justin said. “Then why not tell me what it is?”

  “That would be like asking either one of us to explain the magic that brought us together,” he responded. “It’s something that lives beyond explanation. It’s just something that is.”

  “Do you think I don’t really love you anymore?”

  “Is that true?” Spencer asked.

  “No,” Justin replied, confidently. “I do.”

  “Then maybe it’s not your love for me that’s the problem.”

  “Oh my God!” Justin exclaimed, sitting bolt upright in the booth. “You think I’m still in love with Dutch!”

  “Are you?”

  Justin opened his mouth to answer but then stopped himself, suddenly incapable of speech. For the first time, he was seeing the situation for what it was, but he refused to accept it. “I love you,” Justin replied, forcing the truth beyond his grasp. “Only you.”

  “Don’t lie now,” Spencer said. “Now’s the time for truth.”

  “I did fall in love with him while you were gone,” Justin admitted. “I told you that already.”

  Spencer nodded. “But did you ever fall out of love with Dutch?”

  Justin sighed miserably; the truth declined to be swept away. “No,” he responded. “I never did.”

  Spencer smiled, not because the man he loved was still in love with another man, but that he had finally admitted it to himself. Loving and being in love were two very different emotions. Justin had embraced his love for Dutch, but always refused to see that he was still in love with Dutch.

  Now that he saw that, now that he accepted the fact that his heart remained divided between him and Dutch, progress was possible.

  Without acknowledging his love for Dutch, Justin could never rediscover the magic that once brought them together. His feelings for Dutch had prevented that from happening. But now that he knew, now that he faced his feelings head-on, he could deal with them.

  The road ahead was still rife with danger. They were traveling along unfamiliar terrain, after all, and their car carried an additional passenger neither of them had expected. Still, Spencer was willing to gamble on their magic being strong enough to reform and reconnect them, perhaps in ways they’d never even expected.

  The hardest part, though, was done. Justin had a lot to process, so he couldn’t reveal his past with Dutch or the fact that he and Dutch had become friends. Getting Justin to admit his feelings was enough. For now. Dutch wouldn’t like the decision, but he felt confident he could get him to agree to keep the secret for just a bit longer.

  Once he told Dutch about their conversation, he would see the merits in keeping their secret awhile longer. Justin needed a few days, maybe a week, to deal with what he just now realized. Once that was done, once he was stronger, they could reveal everything.

  After all, there was no sense churning up an already tense situation; that would accomplish nothing. Not when things were changing, not when progress was being made. The three of them had lived under the oppressive fog of hurt and betrayal, and a refreshing breeze had started to blow.

  Change was in the air; the atmosphere of wretchedness that enveloped the three of them for too long was on the verge of being blown away.

  CHAPTER 40

  2009

  JUSTIN scanned the crowd, soaking up the atmosphere. Everywhere, people danced as the DJ spun the current remix of Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance.” Numerous revelers jumped up and down, their hands, curled like paws, pumping in the air. Putting your paws up was a signature Gaga move, something she asked at her concerts. Now, her gay followers mimicked the move at the clubs in honor of their new icon.

  Besides those getting down with Gaga on the dance floor, others were ogling the strippers, stuffing one-dollar bills down their padded G-strings. Most didn’t care that the strippers were obviously straight, doling out the majority of their stripper affection to the many fag hags and straight women currently packed into The Bonham for the 2009 New Year’s Eve bash.

  It had been too long since he had been here, the place where his journey with Spencer had started. When Spencer came up with the idea to ring in 2010 here, to celebrat
e the beginning of the next ten years of their lives together, he thought the idea brilliant. And romantic.

  Spencer called all their friends, begging them to cancel whatever plans made in order to celebrate with them here. It didn’t take much convincing. They all agreed. Even Xavier and Alex, who were there when it all started. Xavier and Alex were currently huddled together, catching up. Apparently, they hadn’t seen each other since their one-night stand over ten years ago.

  From the looks of their body language, another casual dalliance was in the works.

  Justin couldn’t remember the last time they were all together. Over the years, their nights and weekends spent together had gradually decreased as work and children dominated the lives of the group. Sam and Teresa were up to three children. Chris and Jill and Patrick and Heather had two each. Chuck and Don adopted a baby last year.

  Tyler and Jerry, who had been dating for a few years now, were the only other childless couple in the group. Still, they rarely hung out these days. Work for everyone had been crazy, and their lives were filled with adult responsibilities that unfortunately no longer included the carefree lives of before, when the future seemed distant.

  As Justin looked around at the faces of his dear friends, who all stood around one of the circular tables to the right of the main bar, he was reminded of how much they all truly loved each other, no matter the time and distance that now separated them. They were true friends, and they would be so until the end of time.

  “Think less. Drink more,” Patrick told him, handing him another vodka and Sprite. “You look too damn serious, buddy. We’re supposed to be celebrating.”

  He smiled and took the offered drink. “I am celebrating,” he said. “I’m just enjoying all of us being together again. It’s been too damn long.”