You are no angel

by Emma Quinn

  “Are you sure?” He seemed to be able to sense that this was my first time so he was being kind and gentle with me. Not that I needed it, I was flooded with more hunger than I had ever experienced before. “Because we don’t…”

  “I want to,” I growled while nibbling on his ear. “Please, I want you…”

  I couldn’t finish the rest of the sentence because he had edged his way deep within me. I tossed my head back and screamed as he filled me up in the most incredible way possible. I wasn’t sure if it was because I still found myself swimming in the post orgasmic bliss from his tongue or because he was treating me so nicely, but it didn’t hurt anything like I was expecting it to. It actually just felt really nice the whole time. Each thrust was sweet, gentle, kind to me, until the passion took control of us and we were like animals, unable to stop ourselves.

  By the time the pleasure got me the second time, I knew what was coming and I leaned back to really experience and savor every single moment of it. It was heavenly, incredible, the best thing that had ever happened to me and I never wanted it to end. I had held on to my virginity because I was always waiting for something, for someone, for the moment to be right and it seemed that without even knowing that it was coming, I had found it.

  “Fuck, Jake.” I clung to him tightly, I held on to him with every part of myself. “Oh God, wow…”

  There were words, but I couldn’t find any of them, I couldn’t express them how I wanted to. Again, it was going to have to be left unsaid and I would just have to hope that Jake understood. Judging by the way that he wrapped his arms around me and he pulled me close to him to hug me while we slept, he did, and he felt it too.

  Perhaps this was going to be the start of something amazing. It might not have been what I would have expected, but that didn’t make it any less wonderful. Right now, it felt like the most perfect thing in the world and I was excited for what the future might hold.

  18

  Mila

  “ M

  orning, beautiful.” Waking up to Jake stroking my cheek gently and staring at me like I was his life line right now, like I was the most important thing in the world to him. It was the exact loving look that I needed after losing my virginity. It could have been awful, he could have been gone, leaving me alone. “How are you feeling?”

  “Good.” I smiled and turned on to my side so that I could see him better. “And how are you?”

  “I couldn’t be happier.” His eyes misted over. I could see the emotion getting to him. “It’s really nice to wake up with you.” His fingers run through my hair, making me shiver with delight. “I hope it’s okay that I’m still here.”

  “Of course it is.” I leaned up and lightly pressed my lips to his, delight flooding me as I did. God damn, it was just fine with me because I was over the moon to wake up with this man. “It’s a nice treat to have you here.”

  We kissed for a little while, with his hands running all over me. He was treating me much softer, more romantic than he was last night, and I absolutely loved it. It was just as nice as the passion. There were points where I wasn’t sure if it was going to tip over into us hooking up again this morning, but it never quite… not that I minded.

  “I’m just going to take a shower if that’s okay with you?” I nodded at Jake. “Then I will get you breakfast in bed.”

  “Breakfast in bed?” I cried out with delight. “Are you sure? That is incredible. I would love that.”

  There was a restless part of me that wanted to leap out of bed and run around like an idiot, but I didn’t. I kept myself in place because the idea of breakfast in bed was delightful. I really wanted to experience it.

  “Great.” He leaned down and kissed me lightly on the head. “I will see you shortly then.”

  He grabbed a towel and headed off to the shower, my shower, and I giggled to myself. I was like a giddy school girl with a crush on the hot guy… only the hot guy wasn’t my equally nerdy best friend, but the popular guy who I never would have considered back then, because in high school my crush was on the wrong person.

  Brandon made me feel stupid and not good enough, Jake made me feel better than I was.

  Bleep, bleep. I thought that it was my cell phone alerting me to a message, that was the same noise I had, so I leaned out of the bed and hunted around for my phone, but as soon as I found it. I noticed nothing there. Bleep, bleep.

  Okay, so it was Jake’s cell phone. I would tell him as soon as he came out of the shower. While I waited, it would be a good time to catch up on the news, to see what was going on in the world. Since I wanted to be a journalist, that was necessary to me and my future career. Almost as necessary as that internship in the summer which I still hadn't heard back from. Actually, perhaps it would be a good idea for me to send Mr. Bond an email to check in…

  “Jake?” I wasn’t sure how much time had passed but it seemed like I lost myself in the Internet for too long. Emails, research, that sort of thing, and now I couldn’t hear the shower anymore. “Jake?”

  I crept out of bed to find him gone. He had finished in the shower and gone to get us something for breakfast. I just didn’t hear him doing so because he was quiet and I was reading. Blocking the rest of the world out was easy for me, I did it a lot when I was researching so I guess I did it again now. It wasn’t a problem, he would be back soon.

  Bleep, bleep. Bleep, bleep. Bleep, bleep.

  His cell phone was starting to get a bit annoying. It hadn't stopped going off for ages. I needed to locate it and put it on silent or something. If I could see anything on it, I would just check that it wasn’t an emergency because I wouldn’t be able to relax and have a nice morning with him if something was going on. I would have to find him…

  Wendy: Hey, handsome, when are you taking me out again…

  Wendy: You need a picture to get your juices flying?

  Wendy: Remember what you promised me? I think that….

  I couldn’t immediately see the full messages, just the snap shots on his screen saver, but there was enough there to have my heart hammering and not in a good way now. This Wendy had been messaging him all morning while I was lying in bed and now I needed to find out a little more about what was going on. I shouldn’t have done so, the logic inside of me knew that much, but I couldn’t stop myself. Some demon inside of me took over and let me swipe my finger across the screen. I wasn’t surprised when the phone unlocked because I had seen Jake do the same action behind the bar a number of times, and because of that I didn’t let guilt grab me at all.

  “Oh my God.” My hand clapped to my mouth as shock rocketed through me. “Oh my God.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This was awful, so much worse than I ever could have imagined, it was terrifying. Awful, it struck me so hard that I was breathless, dizzy, a total exposed mess. These messages, they were full of flirtation, of sexual requests, some demands, in a way that it was obvious they had hooked up before. This was horrifying, it made me feel sick, it reminded me that while I had given Jake my virginity, I was always just a notch on his bed post. This Wendy was sexy as well, her endless pictures in her under wear to entice Jake back to her showed me as much. This wasn’t even the woman who flirted with him in front of me in the library, who I was now assuming was someone else who had been in his bed, who had been fooled by his sweetness and romance like me.

  Maybe I wasn’t the only one who he brought breakfast in bed to. Perhaps that was Jake’s thing, a way to make him look like a good guy when he was really being the player that I always knew of him. I let him convince me that he had changed, but I wasn’t ever convinced that he could totally get rid of the person who he used to be.

  “Shit.” I dropped the cell phone like it was a hot potato. “Shit, what the hell do I do now?”

  I raked my fingers through my hair as I shook with nerves. I couldn’t keep on with this, I was always going to be heart broken, I couldn’t allow this to carry on and get worse. I couldn’t let Jake trick me aga
in.

  The door to my apartment opened, I couldn’t ignore it this time, and I dived back in to bed as an automatic reaction. I pulled the sheets up over me, trying to hide some of my panic away. There was no way in hell that I would tell Jake that I had been sneaking around in his phone because he would hate me for it. I was only supposed to be a hook up after all. One night stands were crazy if they routed through your cell phone and gave you shit about it.

  “Breakfast is here,” Jake declared in a sing song tone of voice. “I’m on my way, Mila.”

  As soon as I saw him I knew that I needed to say something though. I couldn’t tell him the truth because that was insane, but I wanted to say something to him to let him know that he couldn’t use me like that.

  “Are you okay?” His eyebrows furrowed together. I guess my emotions were on my face. “You look weird.”

  “Last night was…” Shit, how the hell did I start this conversation? I wasn’t experienced in anything like this. I couldn’t even do a runner here. I had to face it through. “Just one time, right? It can’t happen again.”

  “Oh.” His face fell, probably because he liked to be the one who broke things off. “I see. You want it to just be a one-time thing? You don’t want me getting in the way of your… education and life and stuff.”

  “Exactly.” Thank God he had given me reasons to explain my behavior. I just had to go along with it. “I am too busy all the time and I’m sure you are as well. You have a very active life, don’t you?”

  He dropped the breakfast pastries on the side and edged his way backwards. He wanted to escape me. Much as it was probably for the best, it didn’t make it any easier to see him freaking out like that. Then again, he did have his messages from Wendy to keep him company so I couldn’t feel too bad about letting him panic.

  “I respect… your decision,” he stammered. “I respect what you want. I know that you must be busy now so I will get out of here. It was nice to… you know, spend time with you and everything, but…”

  He didn’t finish his sentence, but I guess I wasn’t expecting him to. There wasn’t really anything else that needed to be said. We were done and that was the end of it. I would just have to try and avoid him more now so this didn’t get awkward and I didn’t get my heart broken.

  Damn it, what a mess. Why did I get myself in to this?

  19

  Jake

  “ J

  ake? Jake? Oh my God, what is going on with you?” Victoria demanded, clearly exasperated with me. “I feel like I might as well be talking to myself right now. Why the hell are you so distracted?”

  “Huh?” I stared at her all bleary eyed and confused unsure as to what I had missed. “Sorry, what?”

  “Never mind, it doesn’t matter.” She rolled her eyes, clearly incredibly frustrated with me. “I was just gossiping anyway. It wasn’t anything important. Are you okay? You seem like you’re struggling with something here.”

  I sighed loudly, knowing that there was nothing I could say to Victoria about this. She was Mila’s cousin and would be on her side for sure… not that I even knew if there were sides here. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. I mean, Mila clearly didn’t like me at first, she still judged me for the past and that was something I couldn’t blame her for, but then she started to see what I was trying to tell her. That I was a different, better person now. I thought that she understood that which was why we ended up in bed together. It was supposed to be the start of something new…

  But something happened. Something in the morning after I headed in to the shower which changed her mind. I couldn’t quite fathom what it was, but it made her all cold and weird with me. It wasn’t a mistake. I knew that it wasn’t an error, not an accident. We both wanted it and there were feelings there for sure, so why did she tell me that it wasn’t to happen again? Was it really because her college work would always come first for her? Or maybe I did something wrong. Perhaps I said something to offend her or maybe she wanted to save face. She wanted to break things off with me before I did her, but that wasn’t ever going to happen. Should I have told her?

  “I don’t know,” I admitted to Victoria in the end. “Things are weird at work. I think… I might need to change my schedule if that’s okay with you? I know that I will need to clear it with Matt, but I just wanted to check…”

  “Oh, sure.” As Victoria agreed with me, I told myself that getting some separation from Mila for a little while was probably the best for the pair of us. Just while we both figured out what we wanted. “Whatever you need, Jake. Whatever pulls you out of this funk, I don’t like seeing you like this. If there is anything I can do to help…”

  “I will be fine.” I was going to have to be in the end, wasn’t I? “Thank you, Victoria. That means a lot.”

  She smiled at me and patted me on the arm, trying to reassure me as much as she could, but there wasn’t anything that she could do. There wasn’t anything that anyone could do aside from Mila and she had shut me down. To be honest, if any other woman had given me the same spiel it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. But it did because it was her. Every word stung me to the core. I could hardly cope thinking that she didn’t want me.

  “Anyway, I have to go to the library now, to get some bits done.” I nodded at Victoria. “But thank you for your support and I will speak to Matt about sorting my hours out. Change everything up so I can… get things done.”

  Every step away from Victoria and towards the library was heavy, like my feet had been encased in lead. The weight of the world pushed down on me, which didn’t help as I found myself surrounded by lots of happy people who didn’t understand how heart break felt. The worst part was I only blamed myself. My sixteen year old idiot self who gave Mila the impression that I was worthless. Clearly, I wouldn’t ever be able to shake that version of me off.

  There she is. I wasn’t sure why it shocked me to find Mila in the library. That was where she spent most of her time getting ahead in the game. But my heart stopped dead in my chest anyway and I found it incredibly challenging to catch my breath. All I wanted to do was rush over to her, to sit with her and flirt some more, or to even be her friend. I would have given anything in the world, to be with her in whatever capacity she wanted.

  But I couldn’t. Not when she had made it so very clear that she didn’t want me around. Her words which cut me like a knife remained stuck within me, and I couldn’t pull the blade back out again.

  Get out of here, my brain screamed at me. Don’t hang around and make it worse than it already is. Don’t let these feelings make you do anything crazy, Jake. The last thing this needs is craziness…

  I grabbed a couple of the books that I needed off the shelves and checked the out without meeting her eyes the entire time. I wasn’t sure if Mila could sense that magnetic pull between us, if she knew that I was within the room with her, but she definitely didn’t look at me if she did. She was pointedly avoiding me because she hated me.

  I felt like shit, I was already hating the world as I drove all the way home, back to the apartment block where I still couldn’t avoid Mila because she lived nearby me. God damn it, if I knew that it was going to get so complicated between us then I would have made sure that I lived somewhere else… or maybe I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near her to avoid this big empty feeling hole in my chest. I could have stopped my heart being broken.

  So, with that deep black cloud hanging over my head, the last thing I needed was to have to deal with anyone. I didn’t even need to have a conversation with my room mates right now, and I liked those guys. Never mind…

  “Jake!” Oh God, my ex and her shrill voice bursting through my brain and making my head ache even more was the last thing that I needed. “Where the fuck have you been? I have been waiting here for ages.”

  “Wendy,” I replied wearily, taking note of the trench coat she had on. I knew her well enough to know that she had nothing on underneath except for possibly sexy lingerie, which was the last thing th
at I needed. “What are you doing here? I have been working and studying. And we didn’t have plans to meet anyway…”

  “I have been messaging you all day long. It’s my birthday, isn’t it? Which means you need to take me out… or maybe we could have a night in, I don’t know. It really doesn’t matter to me. As long as I can be with you…”

  “Wendy, what are you doing here?” I shook my head, unable to work out what the fuck was going on now. “Happy birthday and everything, but we don’t have plans and I’m not going to take you out on your birthday because we aren’t together anymore. I don’t know if you remember that, but you cheated on me…”

  “We weren’t exactly official in that moment,” she span her usual line my way. “I didn’t know where I stood with you, so yes something might have happened with Harley, but I immediately came back to you.”

  I rolled my eyes and dug around in my pockets for my keys. I was already done with this conversation and it had only just started. “We weren’t official, so I didn’t even need to break up with you but I did. I had the decency to end things and be clear because I didn’t want anything like this to happen again.”

  “It was ages ago though, Jake. Can’t you just get over it? Even for…”

  I held up my hands to stop her immediately before she peeled open her jacket. The less of her that assaulted my eyes the better. “No, Wendy, me and you will never happen again. I told you that. I have had a really shitty day today and the last thing that I need now is to deal with you when you know that it won’t happen.”

  She pouted out her bottom lip like a toddler having a tantrum. “But I can spend my birthday making you feel better. I would love to hang out with you so more. I would love to make things right.”

  Finally I found my keys and I got over to the door ready to shut her and the rest of the world out. “Don’t come here again, don’t talk to me, don’t message me or whatever. We are done, Wendy. Just go out and have fun for your birthday, maybe meet someone else. You need to forget about me…”