You are no angel

by Emma Quinn

  “Is there someone else?” she called out as I tugged the door open. “Have I lost you?”

  I didn’t bother to answer her because I wasn’t sure how to answer that. There was someone else, someone who meant that I would never be able to give any of myself to Wendy, but she didn’t want me back so it was a moot point. Instead, I closed the door behind me and blocked her out, closing the bull shit of the world out.

  I sighed heavily and slid my eyes closed. Things were crappy right now and I couldn’t see them getting better any time soon. I really was in a funk and I didn’t know how to climb out but if Mila didn’t want me then I was going to have to. I couldn’t let heart break derail me because I had too much that I needed to achieve…

  20

  Mila

  T

  here she is, I thought sadly as I leaned on the bar watching the group of older girls sitting at one of the tables in the very quiet student bar, trying to act like they were studying when really all that they were doing was drinking, gossiping, and laughing. Their text books might have been open, but they were being very much ignored. That’s Wendy… I would have recognized her anywhere after seeing her photograph in the messages on Jake’s phone. But I hated to admit it, even to myself, but she was even more gorgeous in the flesh. Intimidating so.

  No wonder he chose her over me. I would have done the same as well. I wouldn’t have been able to resist her if I was a red-blooded male as well. She was the sort of woman that he would commit to and I would just be a one-night stand, a forgotten memory who he didn’t even think of anymore. Just another notch on his bed post, exactly what I didn’t want to become. What a fucking idiot. Why the hell did I allow myself to get swept away in the moment?

  “You okay?” Matt asked as he appeared from the office. “Everything alright out here?”

  “It’s quiet,” I shot back, finally dragging my eyes away from the much too beautiful Wendy. “It’s fine me working alone. What time is Jake coming in though? Will he be joining me for the early evening shift?”

  I already knew that Matt was going to shake his head before he did. Jake was clearly avoiding me, changing his shifts so that he didn’t have to work with me anymore. Obviously, he didn’t have anything to say to me now that he had gotten me in to bed. I was worthless to him now. I suppose it was good that I didn’t have to watch him moon over Wendy though because she wasn’t leaving her any time soon. She had the look of someone settled.

  “No, I think that Jake has a meeting with his tutor and some work to do… it will be Kevin.”

  “Kevin, cool.” My heart sunk. I couldn’t help it. Much as Jake had treated me like shit, I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to at least see him so that I could work out where his head was at… not that I wanted to know really. Torturing myself with the idea of him no longer caring about me was one thing, but seeing it would be another.

  “Well, I’m just in the office if things heat up.” Matt smiled at me. “I don’t imagine that you will get flooded with students any time soon, but come and get me if you want a hand. I’m sure I will hear it exploding anyway.”

  I grabbed a cloth and wiped down the bar, making myself busy as Matt vanished back in to his little room. I wanted to do anything other than look at Wendy. I couldn’t stand to compare myself to her any longer because I wasn’t going to win. Not a chance in hell. My self-confidence had been knocked enough…

  “Excuse me.” A quiet voice shocked me from my thoughts. For one desperate hopeful moment, I prayed that it was Jake coming to claim me, to tell me that despite the odds being stacked against me he had chosen me. I wanted him to refuse my rejection, to tell me that I was the only woman that he would ever want and that no one would ever compare. I wanted that movie moment where I got the guy… but it wasn’t Jake. Of course it wasn’t…

  “Brandon?”

  Oh my God. Not only was it not Jake, it was Brandon. The last time that I saw him I was running out on him because he had headed to the bathroom to do drugs. Since he didn’t contact me after, I never thought that I would see him again. Certainly not here in the college student bar where I couldn’t escape. “What are you doing here?” I darted my eyes left and right looking for an escape, wondering if I should call Matt back. “What’s… erm…”

  “I came to speak to you.” He blushed as he perched on one of the bar stools close to me. “I wasn’t sure where to find you, and someone told me that you work here… I just need a minute. A minute and an orange juice.”

  He wasn’t a student at the college so I didn’t have to serve him if I didn’t want to, but I found myself doing so anyway. My heart was in my throat, pounding like crazy as I poured him a glass of juice. The whole time, my brain span at the speed of light, trying to work out what I needed to say here, how I could make it right.

  “Here.” I took the coins from him. I didn’t even bother to count them, I simply shoved them in the till. “How are… erm, how are you?” I stammered. “I… we haven’t seen each other for a long time, have we?”

  “No, and that’s my fault.” His eyes hung low as his fingers gripped around the glass tumbler like it was the only thing holding him to the planet. “I am so ashamed of how I behaved the last time that we were together. I can’t believe you saw that side of me. I shouldn’t have come straight to you from England. I knew that I needed help and I didn’t want to admit it at the time. I let you see the bastard that I had become which was awful.”

  Hmm, okay, his words were meaningful. I felt the ice cold walls around me start to melt as he accepted his faults. “So, the drugs thing… that came with England, did it? Because that wasn’t you. The person who I hung out with on that night wasn’t you at all. I didn’t know what to say to you, I couldn’t relate to you at all…”

  “I know, and I don’t blame you.” His eyes mat mine and I could see the truth depth of his sorrow there. “I would have run off as well. I was being such a prick, wasn’t I? And then I offered you drugs as well, I can’t believe that I did that. I should know more than anyone that you aren’t the sort of idiot I hung out with in the UK.”

  I leaned on the bar, feeling a little closer to this man than I had before. I could see his vulnerability shining through, he really did feel like shit for what he had done, which meant that it was right to hear him out.

  “What happened in England, Brandon? Did you get in with the wrong crowd or something?”

  “I did. I was so angry, sent over to the other side of the world by myself because of that stupid party. I hated the world so I found it easy to slip in with the wrong crowd, to be the worst version of myself. I was obsessed with popularity here when I was younger, and that rolled through in to my life in England. So, I fucked everything up.”

  “And now…?” I needed to know where his life was now. That was so important. “Where are you now?”

  “Dealing with my demons.” He nodded seriously. “I think that you will be pleased to know I actually went to see my father, to straighten things out with him because having nothing but hate isn’t helpful.”

  “You did?”

  Wow, he really was serious. He wouldn’t have gone to see his dad if he didn’t want to change.

  “I did, and I have been in an outpatient rehab as well, getting off the drugs. I’m not using anymore. You opened my eyes, Mila.” He reached out to rest his hands-on top of mine and for some reason I let him. “You made me see a lot of things. When you were gone, when you ran off, I was heartbroken. It made me re-evaluate everything and I realized that you are the person who has always been there for me in life, you are the one I have always admired and wanted to emulate, and instead of trying to impress others in high school, I should have been impressing you.”

  I sucked in a breath unable to believe that he was finally saying all the words to me that I had wanted to hear all along. I had fantasized about this moment forever and now it was really happening.

  “I keep thinking that if I remembered at Jake’s party that you were my dat
e, if I had spent the night with you instead, then everything would be so much different now.”

  His eyes glazed over, I could see the deep emotion swimming through him. It made me feel the same way as well. I was a deep well of feelings that I wasn’t sure if I should be flooded with or not.

  “Me and you could be together now, living our happy ever after.”

  I could see it too. There was no denying it. I had thought about it a lot as well but I couldn’t vocalize those words so I nodded instead. I gulped back the thick ball which lodged itself within my throat.

  “Please, Mila, please give me another chance,” he finally begged. “I know that I don’t deserve it but please do. Just let me take you out on another date and see if there could be something there between us. I won’t fuck up again, I promise you. You are my priority now. I want to be with you.”

  I was a mess, I wasn’t sure what to say. A piece of me was still with Jake, but he wasn’t with me, was he? He had ditched me a long time ago, before I even jumped in to bed with him… so if I couldn’t have him then maybe that was for a reason. Because me and my first love were always meant to be together.

  “Okay,” I finally agreed. “Okay, yes. I will give you another chance, sure…”

  21

  Mila

  Two weeks later

  T

  hat was… good. I might not have been breathless, my heart might not have been pounding, I wasn’t sure that I was flying higher than air, but it was only our first time in bed together. It wasn’t going to be amazing the first time that we had sex, was it? I mean, maybe it was with Jake, but that was something else. That wasn’t this.

  “Oh God.” Brandon twisted around on to his side and ran sweaty kisses all over my cheek. “That was amazing. Worth waiting two weeks for. Worth waiting years for, I suppose.” He laughed. “You are something else.”

  I forced a smile on my face, trying not to let any self-doubt to creep in. I had waited with Brandon because jumping in to bed with Jake hadn't exactly worked out well and I also needed to build up my trust with Brandon as well before anything really happened between us. I wanted to be sure that he was off drugs and being good again. He had proven himself, that was for sure, but I think… well, I was pretty sure that I was expecting more from him.

  “Oh God, Mila. I don’t have any words.” At least one of us was swimming in post orgasmic bliss. I couldn’t deny Brandon his pleasure. He had been patient with me. “You are incredible. Fucking hell, I want to do that again.”

  Ice cold panic shot through me, which probably wasn’t the right reaction was it? The guy that I had adored for years now wanted me again, right at the time when we should have been at it like rabbits, and all I wanted to do was run. I felt like I needed some time alone to process what had just gone down, to see where my brain lay.

  It’s because of Jake, I tried to convince myself. It’s because he screwed me up, that’s all.

  But even that didn’t warm me up. I needed to escape and I needed to get away quickly.

  “Oh, well unfortunately for you, I need to get ready for work,” I shot back just about managing to add a tone of teasing to my voice. I didn’t want Brandon to know that I was all full of doubt about everything. He was sensitive. He was still on edge about a lot of things, which I could only presume was part of the recovery process, so I didn’t want to make things worse. “But I’m sure that there will be plenty of time later on…”

  I leaned across and kissed him gently on the lips, trying to ignore the weird numbness in my chest as I did, and I slid out from the sheets. I grabbed my clothing quickly and raced in to the bathroom to shower and dress myself as fast as I probably could because I needed to get out. I didn’t feel good about the fact that me and Brandon had just had sex, something wasn’t quite right about it and I couldn’t put my finger on it.

  It couldn’t be him, it wasn’t him because he had been good to me. Kind, attentive, sweet all the time. Even during sex he hadn't been selfish or anything. But it just didn’t feel quite so natural. But I would be gone soon and that would be the time for me to wrap my head around it all. In the student bar during my shift alone.

  “Hey, there you are.” Brandon didn’t give me a chance to exit the bathroom without wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in for a hug. It was like he couldn’t get enough of me. “Come here, I need a kiss. And then I am going to walk you to work. I can’t leave you to go on your own after such an important day.”

  I wanted to immediately shoot him down, I wanted to tell him not to walk me anywhere, but I couldn’t. I felt like I would be being a bitch if I did. I guess it was just a little less time that I would have to think. But then I would have a long time at work to get my head in order. I could do this, it would be fine…

  “Sure, thank you. That would be nice. Luckily, you only live just around the corner.”

  We left Brandon’s apartment, hand in hand, but it was weird. I couldn’t deny how strange it felt, like I was putting on a show for everyone, acting a part. I guess I wasn’t fully in the trusting place after all because there was still a small wall between me and Brandon. Perhaps that was why the sex hadn't been as amazing as I wanted.

  “Today is wonderful, isn’t it?” Brandon gushed happily as we stepped outside. I was just glad that he wasn’t picking up on how odd I felt. “This has to be one of the happiest days of my whole life.”

  I waited a pause, not realizing immediately that I needed to say the same thing. “Oh yes, me too! For sure.” I leaned over and kissed him just to fill the gap between us. “The best day ever and things will only get better.”

  “Do you think that maybe I could call you my girlfriend now, Mila?” Brandon asked just as we reached the door to the bar where he was going to have to leave me for my work shift. “Because it’s been a great couple of weeks with us, and like you said it’s only going to get better. So, can I call you my girlfriend at last?”

  The teenager within me screamed at me to say yes. The girl who had always been in love with Brandon demanded that I at least give him a try. But I didn’t cave to them sides of me. Not right away. Not until I caught Jake coming towards us with a face like fucking thunder, terrifying me to the core. That snapped something inside of me and I knew that I didn’t have any choice but to give my answer much faster than I would have normally.

  “Yes,” I gasped while grabbing on to his tee shirt and pulled him towards me. “Yes, you can.”

  It was a moment of panic, that was what made me say yes, but as Brandon kissed me and I felt that glimmer of spark once more inside of me. Yes, there was something here, something to work with, it would be fine.

  “Right…” Finally, I pulled away from Brandon and I smiled happy at him, glad of my decision. He was going to be a good boyfriend for me, I was sure of it. At least he didn’t just screw me and fuck off like the man who had blown passed us as we kissed in a wave of sheer temper. “I have to go, but I will see you later on…”

  It took a while for us to say goodbye, and I headed inside to work. I felt good, like I could have been skipping with joy, floating on air because finally things were on the way to coming back together… until I saw him.

  “Jake?” I gasped. “You’re working? Why are you behind the bar? I didn’t think that….”

  I didn’t think he worked any shifts with me any more, but clearly he was here and working which meant I was in for a shitty shift where I wouldn’t get a moment to think at all. How was I supposed to get my head in order?

  “There in an event today,” Jake told me coldly. “It’s going to be busy. Matt needs me here.”

  “Oh right.” I gulped back thickly. God, this wasn’t going to be fun. “I see, so we’re working all day.”

  I stepped slowly behind the bar, now sinking and feeling like shit. This wasn’t what I wanted my day to be…

  “You’re with him?”

  Oh, it seemed that Jake wasn’t done with me yet. His eyes snapped to me and I could see rage the
re.

  “You are with Brandon now? The druggie guy? Are you joking, Mila? Don’t you want more?”

  Fucking hell, I wasn’t going to take that.

  “You don’t get a right to speak about my love life, Jake. I don’t make any comments about yours, do I? I could have said many things, but I chose not to.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about…” He shook his head and raked his fingers through his hair. “But you shouldn’t be with a bad guy like that. You might not want me, but you are too good for him…”

  “You are the one who avoided me! I haven’t seen you. This is the first conversation that we have had in a long time and you’re acting all weird, like you are jealous or something. You have no right to be jealous…”

  “You are the one who broke things off, so yes I do have the right to be jealous.” His face was red, I wasn’t sure what to make of his expression or his words. “I avoided you because you told me that it was a mistake and I didn’t want to make things hard for you. I was trying to do the right thing for you. I thought that you didn’t want a relationship because of college work. I didn’t know that I was stepping aside for him. I never would have done that.”

  “I…”

  I wanted to defend myself but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what to say to that. It didn’t matter anyway because Jake didn’t want to hear it. He stormed off into the beer cellar to get away from me.

  If he was jealous did that mean he liked me and not Wendy? Did it mean more to him than a one night stand? He was staring at me like I meant a lot more while he yelled, but if that was the case then why was that Wendy woman texting him the whole time as if they were dating? Why didn’t he tell me that at the time?