Trusting Him to Lead

by T. K. Chapin

He swept up the glass into a dustpan as the children entered the front door of the house, and all three children immediately questioned him in the kitchen.

  “What happened? Where’s Mom? Why are you home from work?” Elizabeth led the questioning while Jeremy and Lilly stood by listening.

  “I took a half day off. She’s at her sister’s house.”

  “Why?” Jeremy stepped forward, a questioning gaze on his face.

  Standing up as Rachel’s words echoed through his thoughts, his lips pursed. Won’t ask questions, huh, Rachel? West didn’t respond right away but instead walked the dustpan over to the garbage and dumped the shattered glass. “She’s just going to visit with her for a little while. Don’t worry about it.”

  “I have volleyball today.” Elizabeth came closer to West, her eyes lit with worry. “I can’t miss it or I won’t be able to play.”

  “Then we’ll go to practice. Everything is fine.”

  “Daddy?” Lilly’s sweet angelic voice lifted.

  “Yes, dear.”

  “Why is there glass on the floor?”

  “A glass hit the floor and broke. Okay. Enough questions. Get your homework done.” The children all went over to the table and pulled out their homework from school.

  West went into the living room away from the children and sat down on the couch. Raking a hand through his hair, he thought about how Rachel wasn’t there. Peering through the doorway of the kitchen, he saw a shard of glass he had missed on the floor. He thought of the looks on the children’s faces when they arrived home. Hanging his head, guilt weighed heavily on West’s heart and it took all of his strength not to break down.

  There was only one person he wanted to talk to right then, and that was his wife. Grabbing his cell phone out from his pocket, he texted Rachel.

  West: Please don’t do this. Come home . . .

  Picking up her cell phone from the counter at her sister’s apartment later that evening, she looked at the screen and set it back down.

  “He’s texting me again. This time, he’s telling me about how hard it was to take the kids to volleyball and how difficult it was to make dinner.” Shaking her head, Rachel went over to the couch where Brittany was sitting and plopped down. “I just don’t understand why this had to happen.”

  “Men are pigs.” Brittany took a drink of her soda and set it down on the coffee table. “Self-serving pigs. Did he tell you when it started?”

  “No.” Rachel’s heart ached thinking about it. More tears started to come the more she thought about it. Furrowing her eyebrows, she started to feel the anger rise within her. “I want to stay angry. It’s easier to deal with all of this if I’m angry.”

  Brittany shook her head. “Anger isn’t the answer, Sis. We both know that. You have to take it to God.”

  Releasing the tension in her body, Rachel fell back into the couch cushions. “I know, but I am so tired of crying.”

  “And it’s only the beginning . . .”

  “Yep.” Standing up, Rachel started to pace. “I don’t understand why he had to go outside of our marriage, Brittany. I try to come onto him all the time!” Replaying in her mind all the evenings he rejected her, her stomach began to twist. Looking over at Brittany with tear-filled eyes, Rachel started to cry again. “I thought there was something wrong with me, but it was him all this time!”

  Rising to her feet, Brittany came over to Rachel in the middle of the living room and wrapped her arms around her. “Oh, sissy. Let’s have a ladies’ night out tonight. Be free, go dancing, have a good time.”

  “No. I don’t want to do that.”

  “Okay. Well, this is lame. We have to get you out and doing something.” Tapping her chin, Brittany squinted as she thought about something. “We could go through the rest of Grandpa and Grandma’s stuff? It’s in my garage here at the apartment.”

  Thinking of her grandparents and their epic love brought a smile to Rachel’s face. “I wouldn’t mind that.”

  “Let’s go.” Brittany grabbed her coat and slipped it on, then tossed Rachel her coat.

  Catching it in the air, Rachel slipped it on and went with her sister down to the apartment’s garage.

  Using her apartment key, Brittany pushed it into the keyhole and twisted. Then she pushed open the metal garage door. She flipped on the light switch and the garage was illuminated. Walking up to a box, Rachel let her fingers glide across the top of the cardboard. The smell of age filled the atmosphere of the garage.

  They spent an hour going through old photographs and smiling as they recalled their childhoods in one particular photo album. Then, Rachel grabbed for another box. Opening it, she was surprised to see letters. The letters were all dated from the mid-seventies between her grandparents. Confusion filled her thoughts as she lifted one out and opened it. “Why’d Grandma and Grandpa exchange letters?”

  “I don’t know.” Brittany walked over to Rachel’s side and joined her gaze at a letter.

  Ralph,

  It’s been two months too long since I’ve known your embrace. I’m stuck here in the middle of nowhere in an old rundown hotel with my mother and my stupid younger brother, Billy. I know I just sent a letter to you yesterday, but I had to write you again. I just feel so bad about how I had acted that last day I saw you in Newport before I left with Momma and Billy. You were just so busy with helping build that inn on the lake that I felt neglected, just like I used to back in the old days when we were still married. It was foolish of me to be so rude. Everything was my fault to begin with, and I was ignorant of how you truly felt. I know it goes against every bit of logic, but I want us to remarry, to start over and pretend like we never got that divorce. That is, if you’ll have me as your wife again.

  Margret

  “Whoa!” Brittany stepped back and smacked Rachel’s shoulder.

  “Ouch!” Rubbing her shoulder, Rachel glared over at Brittany.

  “Sorry, but whoa! Grandma and Grandpa were divorced? How did I never know this? You didn’t know, did you?”

  Shaking her head, Rachel flipped the envelope over to see if there was a return address. Deer Creek, Wyoming.

  Brittany grabbed Rachel’s arm. “We have to go ask Mom about this!”

  “It’s late. Maybe tomorrow.”

  “No! We have to get the whole story! C’mon!”

  Hurrying over to Brittany’s car, they got in and headed over to their mother, Linda’s, house. They walked right in, and their mother was sitting on the couch watching a western.

  “What’s the meaning of this?” Reaching for the remote on the TV, Linda grabbed it and shut the television off.

  “Grandma and Grandpa were divorced?” Brittany asked bluntly as she sat down in the recliner. Rachel was slower, taking her time as she sat down on the couch beside her mother.

  “Yes, but—”

  “But what?” Brittany leaned in the recliner toward their mother, her eyes wide. “I thought they had the perfect marriage, for like, ever.”

  Linda straightened up on the couch and tightened her robe. “That’s what your grandfather wanted people to remember. He didn’t want the divorce to be known by anyone. Not even by me, his own daughter. I only found out because I came across my mother’s belongings after she passed and found the letters. He admitted the whole thing but swore me to secrecy. I shouldn’t even be telling you this.”

  Rising from the couch, Linda appeared upset and went into the kitchen.

  Rachel saw her sister leap off the recliner to go rail their mother more but caught her arm. Pleading with Brittany, Rachel shook her head. “She’s obviously upset about it. Don’t pressure her.”

  Brittany obliged and returned to the recliner.

  Reappearing into the living room a few moments later with cups of coffee, she handed a cup to each of them.

  “Why aren’t you home with your husband and children, Rachel?” Linda’s tone was accusatory in its delivery. Rachel almost started to cry, but Brittany jumped into the conversation.
/>   “Sisters’ night. Right, Sis?”

  Thankfulness filled Rachel as she nodded and met her sister’s gaze. “Yes. Time with family is always good. That’s why we came here, too.”

  Linda’s eyebrows lifted momentarily as she took a drink of her coffee then set it on the coaster atop the coffee table. “Your grandparents and their past are just that . . . theirs. Your grandfather didn’t want your grandmother’s sins brought out for all to see. He was a private man in many ways, but he was especially private about that.”

  “We won’t bring it up again.”

  “Thank you . . . and burn the letters in your garage. All of them.”

  Later that evening, when Rachel was back at her sister’s house and lying down to sleep on the couch, she thought about her grandparents once more. Washed away was the idea of a perfect marriage and a perfect love. It appeared that there were secrets within that marriage too. The deep love that she saw in her grandmother and grandfather wasn’t without a marred past. She realized just then that maybe not all difficulties in a marriage and life meant the end, but rather something different. Though she had no idea what that meant for her and for West, she clung to the flickering hope she had found that day in the letters.

  Chapter 4

  Rachel - Age 25

  With Jeremy in the highchair eating cheerios and Elizabeth coloring a picture at the kitchen table, pregnant Rachel stirred the pot of chicken noodle soup atop the stove. The pregnancy with their little girl, Lillian, had been anything but easy. Every morning, after forcing herself to eat breakfast, she’d have to take a trip to the restroom immediately to expel the contents of her stomach. Today, she had an extra trip after lunch as well, and to make matters worse, her feet were hurting more than usual.

  Glancing over at the stove’s clock to see it was a quarter past six, she knew West would be home any moment.

  The front door of the apartment opened, and relief washed over her entire being.

  Setting the ladle down on the counter, she exited the kitchen and met West near the couch in their living room. He slipped his hand to the small of her back as he leaned in and kissed her.

  “I’m here to relieve you, my lady.”

  “Praise Jesus for that! My feet are about to fall off.”

  He laughed lightly and pointed to the couch. “Kick your feet up and relax, dear. I have this.”

  West went into the kitchen and took over kid and dinner duties.

  Rachel reclined on the couch and lifted her aching feet to the coffee table. She only had two months to go, but she was ready to let Lillian come out now. Grabbing the television remote off the cushion beside her, she found a program to watch as West handled everything flawlessly in the other room.

  A short while later, while the children were eating dinner and West was cleaning the kitchen, Rachel’s cell phone rang on the counter. She went to move off the couch, but West peeked into the room.

  “I got it. It’s your mom.”

  “Okay.”

  She could hear him answer as he went back into the kitchen. West’s voice heightened. “What? He did that?”

  Concern filled Rachel and motivated her to get off the couch. Walking into the kitchen, she stared at West as he turned toward her.

  “What’s going on? You seem upset.”

  West shook his head and handed the phone to Rachel.

  “Hello?”

  Her mother’s voice was weak on the other end of the phone. Her words stammered as she tried to explain what was happening to her father. “He packed a bag and left. Just like that.”

  “Dad?”

  “Yep.”

  “Why? I didn’t even know you two were having issues.”

  “Me neither. He just came home and said he was leaving me and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore.”

  Rachel’s heart pounded and Lillian kicked. She brought a hand to her tummy. “Do you think he’s seeing someone?”

  Her mother was quiet for a long moment. “I know he is, dear.”

  “What?” Rachel’s voice raised as her heart began to pound. “Who?”

  “His receptionist, Lisa. She’s had her eye on him for years.”

  “That’s so . . . cliché and stupid! What is he thinking, Mom? He’s a good man and a deacon at church!” Rachel sat down on the couch and started to cry. West came in and bent down beside her at the couch. Resting his arm around her back, he tried to comfort her as she continued talking to her mother a few more minutes on the phone.

  “Maybe I can call him, Mom. Talk some sense into him.”

  “I wouldn’t try that. Listen, I have to call your sister. I’ll chat with you later.”

  Ending the call, Rachel’s heart felt heavy. Peering into West’s eyes, she shook her head in disbelief. “They were married for twenty-seven years, West. How does that even happen?”

  “It’s terrible. Come here.” Grabbing her by the hand, he helped Rachel to her feet. Reaching over to the radio on the bookcase nearby, he turned it on and switched it to a CD. He began swaying with her to the music and held her close to his chest. “Are your feet okay enough to dance?”

  She nodded.

  “It’s going to be okay.”

  Lifting her moist eyes from his shoulder, she shook her head. “How do you know that? I’m fat and pregnant, and someday, I’m going to get old too!”

  West’s voice was calm and even. “Shh. It’s okay. I’ll never leave you.”

  Resting her head against his chest, Rachel was comforted by West’s affection for her. His deep and abiding love could be felt through her entire body.

  After complications in giving birth to Lillian two months later, Rachel sank into a long bout of postpartum depression. A numbness filled not only her being but her entire life. She no longer had an interest in her children, her spouse, or anything in life that once brought her pleasure. Everything became irritating to her, so much so that she’d lash out at West and the kids over the simplest reasons. West even moved them into a big new house in the hope of bringing her a measure of joy, but it did little to relieve the darkness over her life. While West did his best to work around her constantly changing mood swings, he was growing tired and approached her shortly after Lilly’s first birthday.

  It was evening, right after West had tucked the children into bed and Lilly into her crib in the nursery. Rachel was lying on the couch under a quilt watching television.

  He sat down at the end of the couch.

  “Hey. We need to talk.”

  Rachel started to cry as she sat up. “I know! I’m a terrible mom and wife! Please don’t start to tell me how bad of a job I’m doing.”

  Gently touching her arm, he shook his head. “Dear, I’ve never said those things.”

  “But you feel them! I know you do!” Covering her face with her hands, she cried harder. “I’m not dumb, West! We haven’t been intimate since Lilly was born, and I know I’m failing with the kids every single day!”

  “Honey. You’re just struggling. I understand that.”

  Lifting her eyes to him, she shook her head. “No. You don’t understand what this feels like! I still have nightmares of giving birth to her! You don’t know what it’s like to have no sleep and check on your child fifteen times in one night! She’s fine, but my heart and my brain won’t let me know that for certain, ever!”

  “Listen, maybe we can up your counseling and medication?”

  Rachel cried harder. “Sure! Drug me up more!” Standing up, she started to leave the living room. “I bet you’d like if I was more drugged up and talking to someone other than you!”

  “Honey!” West followed her into the kitchen.

  Hopelessness pushed against her heart as she reached for a cup in the cupboard. Her trembling hand reached, but West stopped her. Gently, he pulled her hand away from the cup and turned her body toward him. Cupping her face in his hands, he smoothed the tears away from her moist cheeks. He looked into her eyes.

  “I love you, Rachel.”
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  “But why? I don’t deserve it! I’m worthless!”

  “I vowed to love you through the good times and the bad. The hardships and the joy.” Pulling her in close to him, he began to sway with her. She cried as she clung to him. Rachel knew at that moment that he truly loved her.

  In the weeks following, Rachel upped her counseling from once a week to three times a week. She also temporarily increased her medications. By the time of Lilly’s second birthday, she was weaning off the medications and decreasing her counseling sessions.

  The evening of the birthday party, after her mother and sister had gone home and West was walking around with a trash bag collecting plates and cups in the living room, Rachel walked in.

  “West?”

  Stopping as he dropped a plate into the bag, he lifted his gaze toward her from near the couch.

  “Yes, dear?”

  She smiled and crossed the floor over to him. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she peered into his eyes. “How’d I get so lucky to have you?”

  “Eh. I don’t know.” Turning, he went back to grabbing cups and plates, but she grabbed his arm, stopping him once more.

  “I’m serious. My grandparents said you were out with the kids in the snow, pulling them on the sled. Your back has been hurting so bad lately. How do you do it?”

  He shook his head. “This birthday party wasn’t about me. It was about Lilly having a good time.”

  When West tried to return to cleaning, she grabbed his hand and started to lead him to the stairs. As she pulled on him to follow her up to their bedroom, he stopped short and backed away. “I have to get this cleaned. I’m sorry. You know my back is hurting . . . right?”

  Upset but not defeated, she nodded. “I understand. Let me help you.”

  The two of them continued cleaning up from the party.

  Chapter 5

  Blinking her eyes open the next day as she lay on her sister’s couch, Rachel didn’t know much, but she did know one thing—she wasn’t home. Her heart ached as she thought about her children waking up without their mother there to kiss them. Her heart broke knowing that Lilly’s hair wouldn’t be brushed out by her own hands that morning. Then she thought of West, and she began to cry. She had lost so much, but at the same time, she had never really had it, either. Those years he had been sweet after Lillian’s birth, those years in which Rachel had felt her husband step up in the biggest way ever, he had most likely gotten by with his secret.