Trusting Him to Lead

by T. K. Chapin

  Wiping her tears away, she closed her eyes and prayed. “My heart hurts, Lord. I don’t know what to do.” More hot tears streamed from the corners of her eyes and she swiped them away. “I don’t know how I could ever trust him again. Ever let him come near me again, Lord . . . not after this.”

  Rachel went on praying for a while longer, sharing her heart’s pain with the Lord. After she stopped praying, she opened her eyes and turned her head to look across the living room of her sister’s apartment. There on the coffee table was her cell phone. Her insides cleaved toward it, a small part of her still wanting to talk with West, as if that could help. Then her hand followed the desire of that small quiet voice inside her.

  Sitting up, she wiped her tears away and texted West.

  Rachel: Can we meet for coffee?

  He responded right away.

  West: Yes. Name the place and time. I’ll be there.

  His kindness toward her didn’t make her feel any better at all. If anything, it only made the pain hurt more. It reminded her of his betrayal. She wanted to die knowing that he had been unfaithful. She wanted to die knowing that during the time she felt most loved by her husband, he had been cheating on her all along. She almost didn’t text back, but then that small desire still left in her heart pushed her to do it.

  Rachel: Meet me in an hour, Milo’s coffee shop downtown.

  Brittany came into the living room and rushed over to comfort her crying sister. Rachel’s heart broke more, uneasiness lifting her off the couch. “I don’t want your pity. This is between West and me.”

  “I’m sorry.” Standing up, Brittany opened her arms. “I was only trying to help. I want to be here for you, Sis.”

  “I know you do, but this is my marriage.” Glancing toward the door, she wiped her eyes. “I’m going to talk with him and try to figure out where we go from here.”

  “Okay.”

  Rachel showered and got dressed, then took her suitcase down to her car in the parking lot of her sister’s apartment complex. Peering back at the stairwell leading up to the apartment, she could see her sister’s judging eyes still on her from atop the stairs. Brittany hadn’t been married. She hadn’t been in a relationship for more than a few months at a time. She didn’t know how much was truly at stake at this moment. They had children. They had a life.

  Getting into the driver’s seat of her car, Rachel started toward the coffee shop downtown.

  Pulling up to the curb of the coffee shop, she immediately spotted West on the sidewalk. He was wearing a pair of jeans, a white tee-shirt, and his brown leather jacket. His hands were in his pockets and his expression was downcast. Lifting a prayer to God for strength, she placed the car into park and shut it off. He walked over to her car door and opened it for her. More pain cascaded into her heart.

  “Thank you.” She forced a smile and stepped out of the car.

  “You’re welcome.”

  West walked side by side with her up onto the slush-covered sidewalk and into the coffee shop. He ordered their coffees and even pulled out a chair for her. As they sat down, she lost it and started to cry once again.

  “What’s wrong?” West leaned across the table with raised eyebrows. “I’m trying to be nice.”

  “I know.” Wiping her eyes, she regained her composure in the next moment. “That’s the problem! You’re being nice because . . . I know.”

  “No, honey. I . . . I want to be nice. I hurt you.”

  “I know, then this will all blow over and we’ll go back to—”

  Reaching out, West grabbed her hand. “We’ll never go back. I already stopped looking at the stuff. Things will be different now.”

  Shaking her head, Rachel’s eyes welled. “It’s not that easy, West. Trust is gone!”

  He let go of her hand, hope draining from his expression as he leaned back into his chair. Voice somber, eyes downcast, he shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Rachel.”

  Unable to respond, she fought the tears away and stayed quiet.

  Lifting his gaze to hers, he locked onto her eyes. “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Whatever you need.”

  “Counseling.”

  Covering his mouth with a hand, he didn’t respond verbally as he leaned back again in his chair. Rachel knew from experience that West wasn’t okay with counseling for himself. It was fine when she needed it after having Lilly, but him? He refused to go even the one time her therapist had recommended that he join her.

  Leaning across the table, Rachel opened her arms wide. “This is what I need, West. I need us to get counseling.”

  “Worldly counselors are garbage, Rachel, and we both know it.” West appeared agitated. His shoulders were tensed up as he folded his arms together on the table in front of him. “I really don’t want to go to Pastor Rod with this.”

  “Then I don’t know what to tell you. You asked what I needed and that’s the first step in my mind.”

  “Fine. We’ll do it.”

  Shaking her head, Rachel felt the sting of his voice. “Are you seriously mad at me right now?”

  West loosened his shoulders and his tight-lipped expression. He shook his head. “Sorry. I’m just . . . uncomfortable.”

  “So am I!”

  “Are you coming home?”

  Her three precious and innocent children flashed in her mind. “Yes.”

  Holding open the front door for her, West watched as his wife walked into their home. She looked more like an escaped prisoner he had brought back to a cell than a wife returning to her house and home. Watching as she took her suitcase up the stairs, he thought, At least she’s home now.

  Going to his office, he went in and took a seat at his computer. He needed to reply to a few emails from his co-workers and work for at least a couple of hours from home.

  As he hit Send on an email, Rachel caught his attention from the open doorway.

  Peering up from his screen, he saw her with tears streaming down her cheeks. His insides flinched, and he stood up, crossing his office over to her. He tried to touch her, but she stepped away from him.

  “Don’t touch me.” Her tone was icier than the still-melting snow piled up on the side of the driveway.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Why are you on your computer?”

  He laughed, opening his arms. “I’m working.”

  Pursing her lips, she dipped her eyes into her hands and began to cry. “Why are you laughing at me? Of course, seeing you on a computer conveys an image I loathe right now. I don’t understand how to feel, West! I feel so . . . broken.”

  Agitation mingled with confusion and sadness in his soul. He shrugged. “I left the door open. I don’t know what to tell you. I still have to work.”

  Furrowing her eyebrows, she shook her head. “You’re treating me like I’m the bad guy! I’m not the bad guy here! You are!”

  Turning, she left down the hallway toward the kitchen. And with it, she took his heart.

  Raking a hand through his hair, West peered up at the ceiling. “What am I supposed to do? I have to work, God! I still have to do life. Life has to go on!”

  Slamming his office door in frustration, West returned to his computer at the desk and jumped right back into working. He didn’t have time to deal with this. He had to get work done regardless of how his wife felt about it.

  A peculiar thing happened that afternoon after the children had come home. Upon coming out of his office around three, he found Rachel not upset but instead working with the children on their homework at the kitchen table. West stood in amazement as he folded his arms and leaned against the wall.

  As the minutes passed, he started to see the truth beneath the surface. Her lips were tightly pressed together. Her frustration was evident as she sighed heavily toward Jeremy when he misunderstood her explanation of the question on his homework. West grew uneasy as he realized this situation was bleeding into other areas of their life.

  Her gaze lifted for a fraction of a second to him, then
back to Jeremy’s homework. “Tell your father hello, children.”

  They all said hello and went back to their homework. In the next moment, Rachel stood from the table and then exited the kitchen, going into the living room. West caught up with her.

  “You seem to be holding it together pretty okay with the children.”

  Rachel stopped and turned toward him. “I have to be there for my children. This isn’t their fault.”

  West grabbed for her hand, but she slipped it away from him, flashing a cold look his way.

  “That doesn’t mean I am fine with you. By the way, we meet with Pastor Matt the day after tomorrow.”

  “Who?”

  “He’s the pastor of the church that is connected to the children’s school. Not worldly counseling, but not our pastor counseling us either. It works for both of us. It’s at one o’clock, so you’ll need to figure things out with your work.”

  Without giving him a chance to respond, she continued through the living room and up the stairs.

  West wanted this whole thing to go away. For his wife not to hate him and for himself not to be sitting in marriage counseling listening to someone drum on about how to love her better. He already knew the answer, and that was simply to stop viewing the stuff, exactly what he had already done.

  Peering at the stairs leading to their bedroom and Rachel, he shook his head. He knew if he tried to get out of counseling, she’d flip, and he couldn’t risk that happening. Things were fragile right now, and he knew it was in his own best interests not to argue.

  Going back into the kitchen, West passed by his children and went down the hallway to his office. When he entered, he naturally shut the door behind him but caught it, leaving it open.

  The rest of the day was more difficult than he had imagined it would be. His wife, while fine in front of the children, was cold and distant to him. He’d try to make eye contact with her, but she’d never look at him, barely even doing so when she spoke directly to him. And after the children were tucked away in bed that evening and the following day, she’d retreat to the bedroom and place his pillow and a blanket outside the door. There was a brokenness between them that ran deep, and West was beginning to realize how big of a deal this truly was to her.

  On the drive over to the church to meet with the pastor and Rachel, West was angry and eager for change. He didn’t know exactly how things would go down that afternoon at the church, but he knew that how Rachel had been acting the last couple of days wasn’t okay.

  Parking next to her car in the parking lot, he turned his car off and peered upward. Closing his eyes, he prayed. “God, fix this. Make it go quickly and be done with, please. Amen.”

  Getting out of the car, he headed up to the church building. He opened the door and went inside. Walking into the foyer, he peered around and saw an open doorway with a light on and could hear light conversation.

  Crossing the floor over to the door, he peeked in.

  Rachel was sitting in a chair across from who he presumed was the pastor.

  “Hi. You must be West. I’m Pastor Matt. Come on in and have a seat.”

  Slowly stepping into the office, West took his seat beside his wife.

  “First of all, I want us to pray.” Pastor Matt, along with Rachel and West, all bowed their heads. “God, we come to You today to learn of You and to lean on You as we discuss the path forward for Rachel and West and their marriage. Only You can provide the answers these two need. We thank You for this marriage and for this time to come together. May You bless it. Amen.”

  Lifting their gazes from the prayer, West’s heart started to pound.

  “All right. First, I want to thank you both for coming in. Seeking help is the first step in finding a resolution.”

  West lifted a hand.

  “Yes, West?”

  “Listen, I know you are aware that I was watching pornography. I already said I would stop.” Turning toward Rachel, he held out his arms. “That’s what you need. Right? So, I’m not entirely sure how this meeting can truly do any good. Maybe there’s something that can be done, but I need her to stop being terrible to me.”

  Rachel shook her head, tears falling onto her cheeks as she dipped her head and pressed a hand against her forehead.

  “West.” The pastor lifted a hand as he shook his head. “I didn’t know about the pornography, but I’m glad you mentioned it. There’s a lot more than just ‘stopping’. You’ve hurt your wife.”

  “And I have apologized.”

  “If I shoot you in the arm and apologize, are you going to be okay, West?”

  “What?”

  “If I were to pull out a gun and shoot you in the arm right now. Then I apologize. How would you feel?”

  “I get it.” West adjusted in his seat. “So, then what? What do we do? She won’t talk to me. She’s distant and cold.”

  “You have to start building trust. All over again.”

  West rubbed his face with a hand and leaned back in his chair. “C’mon. We’ve been married for a decade! There’s so much that has happened that has nothing to do with this!”

  Pastor Matt rested his hand on his Bible but didn’t speak.

  West furrowed his eyebrows. “Why are you touching your Bible?”

  The pastor looked over at Rachel. “I’m just waiting for when we can open it and see what God says about all of this. You know, after you’re done dominating the conversation.”

  “Pornography isn’t in the Bible, so good luck.”

  The pastor kept his eyes on Rachel.

  “Why are you looking at her?” West looked over at his wife for a second, then back at the pastor.

  “Why are you not looking at her?” Pastor Matt’s gaze moved to West. His eyes were soft but his expression firm. “You have to stop looking at this as a problem you have to fix. What line of work are you in, West?”

  “Software development.”

  “Ahh, good.” The pastor nodded. “This isn’t a software issue with a bug that needs to be worked out in the code. You have to write a whole new program.”

  West’s heart sank. His gaze shifted over to his wife. This time, he didn’t see an annoying wife who was crying and upset. He saw a broken woman he had busted. Hopelessness started to move into his heart and mind like darkening storm clouds coming ashore. This was much larger and damaging than he had previously realized. Peering over at the Bible, West leaned forward.

  “Okay. I get it. What is God’s solution?”

  Opening the Bible, Pastor Matt thumbed the pages of the New Testament and came to Ephesians. He stopped in chapter five. Lifting his gaze, he looked at both of them. “Usually, people like to go directly into what God’s Word says about marriage, but I like to start a little earlier in the chapter. The reason for this is because we are, first of all, children of God and secondly, we are husband and wife. Let’s start in verse eight. I’ll read it aloud.”

  For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light

  (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)

  and find out what pleases the Lord.

  Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

  It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.

  But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.

  This is why it is said:

  “Wake up, sleeper,

  rise from the dead,

  and Christ will shine on you.”

  Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,

  making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

  Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.

  Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit,

  speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make m
usic from your heart to the Lord,

  always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

  Ephesians 5:8-20

  Conviction came over West at the reading of the passage. His heart ached to know that he was guilty of fruitless deeds of darkness in his life through this secret sin he had been carrying for years. He was guilty before his wife, this pastor, and most of all, in front of God. As a moment of silence filled the pastor’s office that chilly March afternoon, West fought away the tears welling in his eyes. How could he have been so foolish as to think he would get away with his sin?

  The pastor’s voice was soft and gentle as a stream as he once again spoke. “I firmly believe that in order to be a godly spouse, it’s not firstly about the marriage but about the heart of each believer. They must be awake, as stated in the passage we just read.”

  Rachel shook her head. “But what about pornography? It’s an addiction, isn’t it?”

  “It can resemble an addiction, but would you categorize lust as an addiction?”

  West shook his head. “It’s not easy to battle, that’s all I can say about it. It’s a fight like no other I have ever been in before, and it’s a lifetime of struggle.”

  “Don’t get me wrong. I understand, brother.” The pastor shook his head as he sighed. “Years ago, before I became a pastor, I fought it as well. I did everything I could to fight it. I prayed, read my Bible. I had accountability software installed on my computer, but you know what? That doesn’t change the heart of the issue. The heart of the issue is not being awakened to Christ, not being awakened to the love and truth of God. If the stakes are high enough, so-called addiction can be fought and can be conquered. When we become more consciously aware of God in our lives, we cannot willingly sin. When we abide in Jesus Christ, we are abiding in space where sin has no power. We are abiding in the Divine presence of our Lord and Savior. Does that make sense?”