Trusting Him to Lead

by T. K. Chapin

  “Kind of.” West peered over at Rachel. She was leaning forward in her seat, toward the desk.

  “We have to be careful of how we live.” Rachel raised her eyebrows. “Like it said in verse fifteen. Living with wisdom.”

  “But I had that wisdom. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway.” West looked at the pastor. “How’s that possible?”

  “You still have a sin nature living inside you, and even though you’ve been born again, it’s still there. The temptation of sin is real and it’s out there. Even Jesus had to do battle with temptation. Let’s go on in our reading. I want both of you to talk more about this passage at home and to read the whole chapter together as well.” The pastor went down in the chapter to verse twenty-one.

  Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

  Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

  to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,

  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—

  for we are members of his body.

  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

  This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

  However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

  Ephesians 5:21-32

  “A lot of people won’t include verse twenty-one in this passage, but I believe it not only ties into the rest well but also ties into the earlier verses we read. If you are living a life that is awakened to the truth of God and awake to the way of living after God’s will and desire for your life, you will both live lives that are humbled and submissive. You will exist in a place of serving and submission to others. It’s not about a wife submitting to her husband. It’s about a follower of Christ submitting to Christ and therefore submitting to everyone around them. I believe these specific commands to husbands and wives are here because Paul is highlighting difficult-to-do tasks for each person in the marriage. For example, there are zero passages about wives loving their husbands because it’s more natural for them to do that. Just like there’s no Scripture about loving people who are kind to you.”

  “How am I supposed to submit to my husband after what he did?” Rachel shook her head. West’s heart melted in grief as she spoke more pain into his heart. “How am I supposed to believe he can lead our family, lead me?”

  “It takes time for healing to happen, but if you two are willing to submit first to God and then to each other, there is hope in this desolate place you’ve found yourselves in.”

  “How do we start?” Rachel looked at West, then back at the pastor.

  Opening his hands out on the desk, he made eye contact with each one of them. “Start talking. Even when it hurts, talk. There’s an intimacy that has been lost through the sands of time between the two of you. It’s your job to unearth the relics of your relationship, dust them off, and discover where things fell apart. You might not be able to find all the whys, but you can work toward closeness and healing through talking and growing closer to the Lord.”

  Silence crept into the room for the next few moments. West looked over at Rachel. “Your pregnancy with Lilly.”

  “I had no control over the postpartum depression, West! How dare you accuse me of—”

  Pastor Matt raised a hand. “Don’t get defensive. If you two are going to make it through this storm, you need God and you need patience with each other. You two can keep talking about this all after we wrap up here in the office. Here. I have something for you.”

  Leaning over, the pastor opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a couple’s daily devotional and a book entitled, The Five Love Languages. He handed them both to West, and West started to flip through the book on love languages.

  “Often in relationships, not just marriage, we tend to give others what would make us happy. For example, my love language is acts of service, so I often gravitate toward tossing in a load of laundry or doing some housework. That doesn’t help my wife whose love language is time. She’d rather spend an hour playing a card game instead of me doing some of the housework. When we understand better how to show the love our spouse needs, we are better able to fulfill it.”

  West handed the books to Rachel and she began to flip through the pages. Overwhelmed, West started to piece together verbally what they needed to do. “Okay, so talk and discover love languages. Read chapter five of Ephesians.”

  “Yes, but listen.” Pastor Matt leaned over his desk. “The first priority is getting the relationship with God corrected.”

  “Okay. Read the Bible and pray more.”

  Pastor Matt furrowed his eyebrows slightly and nodded. “Yes, but . . . try not to view this as a checklist of things to do to fix your marriage.”

  “What?” West’s voice raised. “You said this is similar to code and programming.”

  “Yes, but take it a step further. Think of it like you’re a person who has never coded before. The Bible is the book that will teach you, but . . .”

  “The experience of actually doing it all will be the true teacher.”

  “Right.”

  “That reminds me. What’s the name of a good accountability software to install on the computer and phone? I want to relieve Rachel of worry immediately.”

  “Sure. Christian Eyes is a good one. We also have a small group of men that meets here on Saturday mornings. You might enjoy that.”

  West shook his head. “I’m okay without that. I’ll get the software downloaded and installed today. Thank you.”

  “Fair enough. Rachel, there is a woman named Susan Lancaster who I think would be of great encouragement to you. She runs our women’s ministry here.”

  Chapter 6

  That evening, after the children had gone to sleep, Rachel watched from the kitchen as West headed for the couch and turned on the television. Disheartened but still holding on to the thread of hope she had found in their counseling session with Pastor Matt, she took the books and went into the living room. She sat down and placed the books beside her between herself and West, capturing his attention. He peered over and down at the books, then grabbed the television remote and shut off the TV.

  “Did you figure out your love language?”

  She nodded. “I did. Can you guess what it is?”

  “I didn’t get a good look at all of them, but I’d guess works?”

  “No, I think that is yours. Mine is words of affirmation and physical touch.”

  He raised an eyebrow and reached his hand over to hers. “You look lovely tonight, my lady.”

  Her insides squirmed. Rachel scooted further away. “Too soon.”

  Standing up from the couch, he shook his head as he raked a hand through his hair. “How am I supposed to show you physical touch when you won’t let me? I can’t touch you without your pulling away.”

  “It takes time, West.”

  He sighed and sat back down on the edge of the couch. He rested an arm on each leg as he hunched forward. “Okay. That’s true. The pastor said we need to talk. So . . . let’s talk.”

  “When did it all start? Was it really with Lilly?”

  Swallowing hard, West hung his head. “It started a long time ago, when I was about twelve. I had gone over to a
friend’s house down the street. Frankie McKennedy’s house. His parents were both gone at work and he had a few friends over. They were playing cards while an adult film was on the television. At first, I was startled by it, but then I realized I liked looking at it.”

  “Wow. Your parents didn’t know?”

  “My dad knew, but I wasn’t sure how he figured it out. He took me aside weeks later when my grandparents were in town visiting. We had a talk beneath the oversized oak tree in my backyard. He warned me about the dangers of pornography and the destructive force it had on a boy’s life. He even involved my grandmother. I’ll never forget her saying how important it is to keep our minds safe. She said those images would be burned into my mind forever. I didn’t take any of their advice, and I found opportunities whenever I could to view it from that day forward.”

  “How does Lilly fit into this? The postpartum?”

  “Well, when I was about to marry you, I was able to stop. I figured who needs that garbage when you have a smoking hot wife?”

  “It didn’t ever stop?”

  “It did, but it’d sneak in every once in a while, luring me back to it through some other way. A stimulating ad online would draw me in or a picture in a magazine would capture my interest. I was usually able to fight it off, and luckily, you weren’t ever one to hold back with me in our marriage. That was until . . .”

  Her heart sank. “Lilly.”

  Tears streaming down his face, he shook his head and placed a hand on hers. “Please don’t pull away.”

  She left her hand beneath his.

  West continued. “With Lilly, things got complicated. You already know how hard the pregnancy was. You were the one who was pregnant. We weren’t intimate for months at a time, and then the birth happened. After the birth, it was over a year . . .”

  Dipping her chin, Rachel began to weep. Guilt pulled every fiber of her being lower.

  “I’m sorry. This sounds like I’m blaming you, and I don’t want it to be that.”

  Shaking her head, her gaze lifted and met his eyes. “Why wouldn’t you blame me? I wasn’t fulfilling your desires!”

  “I should have been able to control myself, regardless of what was going on with you. It was still my choice.” Turning his eyes away from Rachel, he looked forward. “I failed.”

  Pulling her hand away, she caught his attention and eyes. “Why didn’t it stop again? Why’d I find it on your computer?”

  “It just stayed this little dark secret.”

  “Little?” Rachel stood up. “It’s not little. This isn’t some little thing!”

  He rose to his feet and gently grabbed her hands. Peering into her eyes, he shook his head. “I know, and I’m sorry. I already installed the software, and it’s running on my phone and computer. It’ll go on my work computer as well. Just for peace of mind for you.”

  “What hurts the most is that you’d still be doing it if I hadn’t caught you.” Her heart broke into pieces as the words came off her lips. “It hurts so bad to know you would’ve just kept going on with it if I hadn’t found out. Even though you obviously knew it wasn’t okay and it would hurt me.”

  He dipped his head, no response from his lips.

  “I know God can heal this marriage, West, but I don’t know how that’s possible right now.”

  Walking away from the couch, she headed toward the stairs leading up to their bedroom.

  “Rachel?”

  Stopping, she turned and wiped her eyes.

  “Can I come to bed?”

  In the depths of her soul, she heard a singular word echo through her. Grace. “Sure.”

  She continued up the stairs and went into the bedroom, and West soon followed.

  It had been a full two weeks since their counseling session with Pastor Matt and the progression forward felt minuscule, if even that. West was losing heart and his hope declined with each passing day. The more he tried to reach out and show love to Rachel in her language, the more she cried. The more they talked about their marriage and needs from one another, the more fighting that ensued. It seemed to him that every step forward into the future was a football field step back.

  Sitting on the edge of his side of the bed one morning, he was reading about the flood in the Old Testament. Rachel came out of the en-suite bathroom, ready for carpool. Closing his Bible as Rachel perused her closet for a cardigan, he stood up and walked over to her. Touching her arm gently, he raised an eyebrow.

  “You look beautiful today.”

  “Thank you.” His words appeared to have fallen flat, again. She didn’t even so much as turn and look at him.

  West felt like he was doing everything he could possibly do in order to please her and nothing was working. He started leaving for work later in the mornings to be there for her and the kids, paying attention to her emotional needs and feeding her love languages as best he could without physically touching her, yet it all appeared useless.

  Shoulders slumped, West returned to his side of the bed and reopened his Bible.

  Then something happened.

  Walking over to him, she leaned down and kissed his cheek. “I love you, West. I’ll see you tonight after work. Remember, we have a volleyball game for Elizabeth at seven.”

  As Rachel exited the bedroom, he touched his cheek where she had kissed him. His heart pounded and his entire being was filled with glee. He wanted to chase her down and kiss her all over and tell her how much he loved her, but he knew that wouldn’t work out so well. But he had to do something. Still full of energy from the kiss on his cheek, West exited the bedroom and hurried down the stairs after her.

  Whipping around to him as she was about to follow the kids out the door, she raised her eyebrows. “Yes?”

  “I love you too.” Then he leaned in and planted a kiss directly on her lips.

  Pulling away quickly from the kiss, she grimaced and then left out the door quickly. The front door of their house shut, and his heart fell to the floor. The image of her face full of disgust toward him burned into his brain. Hopelessness returned with a vengeance, crashing upon the shores of his broken heart. Peering up at the ceiling, he wept aloud. “How long, Lord, must I suffer? How long will she harbor unforgiveness in her heart?”

  Shoulders slouched, he headed upstairs and got dressed for work.

  Later that morning at work, West stopped his search online to fix a problem he was trying to resolve in the code. He leaned back in his office chair. Resting his hands on top of his head, he stared up at the ceiling tiles in the office. His friend and co-worker Jake came into the cubicle.

  Sitting upright, he swiveled his chair and faced him. “What’s up, man?”

  “You seem tense.”

  “Yeah, tensions are thick at home. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

  Jake mockingly jabbed him. “That God of yours can’t fix it?”

  Glaring at Jake, he tilted his head. “You taking a shot at my faith right now?”

  He shrugged. “Just introducing healthy doubt. Look at it this way. If God really existed out there, why would He let you and Rachel go through all this pain? Is pain really what He wants for you?”

  “I don’t think He’s causing the pain. It was my own fault.”

  Jake picked up the nerf football sitting on West’s desk and staggered his steps out from the cubicle. He threw it to West. “A loving God is letting you suffer?”

  He caught it, then threw it back to Jake. “He can love me while I still suffer the consequences of my sin.”

  “Maybe, but what’s the point of that?” He tossed it back to West.

  “To learn.” West tossed the ball again.

  “Yeah? What is it you’re learning?” Jake threw it a little more forcefully this time.

  Catching the ball, West lowered it to his lap. “I don’t know yet.”

  West set the ball down on the desk and grabbed his coffee cup. Jake patted West’s shoulder and went back to his desk to sit down.

  Entering th
e break room, he saw Steve sitting at the table on his cell phone. He looked up briefly but returned his gaze to the screen immediately. The two of them hadn’t had a conversation since the incident in the parking lot over two weeks ago. The uneasiness West could feel in the room was thick, and he couldn’t help but know his guilt was merited in the matter. He had punched him squarely in the face. Pouring his cup of coffee, he was about to exit when he felt the urge to make amends. After all, Steve was right all along in encouraging West to come clean with the secret. He sat down at the table across from Steve with a heavy sigh.

  “Hey, man.” West leaned forward slightly across the table. “I’m sorry about punching you. Thanks for not ratting me out to the boss man.”

  Steve looked up at him for a second with a furrowed eyebrow but returned his eyes to the screen. He let out a heavy sigh. “Don’t worry about it, West. You’ve already been forgiven.”

  West hadn’t told a soul about what was going on at home. In his inner being, West felt like sharing with Steve what had happened, but he pushed against it.

  Suddenly, Steve slammed his cell phone down on the table, startling West. Then he brought a hand up and raked it through his hair. “Man, I’m so tired of fighting with her.”

  “What?”

  “My wife. It’s still about the pornography that happened seven years ago.”

  West’s heart sank. “You still fight about it?”

  Bringing his hand down from his hair, Steve brought his hands together on the table. “Yeah, man. Frequently. It’s like termites in the house. Sure, you get rid of them, but there’s still damage left throughout the wood. Behind every wall, even in the places you least expect it.”

  He had only been dealing with it for two weeks and he felt on the verge of hopelessness. This man’s battle had endured for seven years. “There’s no hope?”