Trusting Him to Lead

by T. K. Chapin

  If she left now, she’d be late, but at least she’d be there.

  Grabbing her Bible, she went back downstairs and announced her departure.

  “I’m going to the ladies’ Bible study.”

  West turned from sitting on the couch and looked at her. “Won’t you be late?”

  “Yes, but that’s okay.”

  “Have fun.”

  Kissing her children and telling West goodbye, Rachel grabbed her car keys and purse and headed out to the car.

  Upon arriving at Susan Lancaster’s house, and after she had shut off the engine, her whole body trembled. Looking through the windshield, she looked past the parked cars to the house. What if they think I’m too emotional? Or overreacting to his sin? What if they don’t like me? Doubts clouded her mind, but in the next moment, she was able to push past them all and get out of the car.

  Stopping as she saw someone laughing through the window, she shook her head. “I can’t do this. They’re happy, and I’ll just mess it up by being sad.”

  Rachel began to pace as pastor Matt’s words echoed again. Community is important.

  Then a woman emerged from the house.

  Concern laced the stranger’s words. “Are you okay?”

  “No, I’m not okay. Coming here was a mistake.” Turning away from the woman, Rachel headed toward her car. The woman caught up to her side as she arrived at the driver’s side of the door.

  “Stop. Wait. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

  Hesitation weighed on her lips, but Rachel couldn’t hold back. “My life is falling apart. My husband doesn’t talk to me, my kids don’t respect me, and I’m giving up hope. I thought coming here would help, but it’s not!”

  With gentleness in her expression and softness in her tone, the woman raised her eyebrows. “You haven’t even been inside.”

  Thinking about West’s betrayal, she shook her head. “Whatever. You wouldn’t understand.” Then she grabbed for the handle of her car.

  “Listen, I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to be hopeless. To feel like everything is falling apart all around you and that God can’t hear your prayers.”

  Turning toward the woman, Rachel raised her eyebrows as hope shone through the stranger’s words.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yes.”

  While Rachel didn’t know this stranger’s experience, she craved to know the answer. “What did you do?”

  “I prayed. I know that sounds cliché, but it’s not. Praying is what gets us through the difficult times.” Glancing over at the house, then back at Rachel, the woman continued. “Prayers and God’s people get us through. My name is April. C’mon, and we’ll go in together.”

  Comforted by April’s words and kindness, she agreed. “Okay.”

  They walked toward the house together and Rachel introduced herself.

  Walking into the house, Rachel came into a living room. Couches and chairs were lined up in the room, creating a circle of women. April took her seat, and Rachel sat beside her. Seeing Susan sitting in the circle, Rachel smiled at her as they caught each other’s gaze.

  “Let’s make Rachel feel welcomed by putting her on the spot.” Susan grinned. “I’m just kidding, but we were just taking a few minutes to talk about what we’re struggling with right now. If you’d rather not speak tonight, it’s totally understandable.”

  Rachel’s heart pounded in her chest as she surveyed the faces in the circle. “I’ll listen tonight.”

  “Okay.” Susan’s demeanor was welcoming and kind, and there were no hints of disappointment in her about Rachel’s choosing not to share.

  As Rachel sat and listened to the other women, her heart was moved with compassion. She had no idea other women struggled daily, some in the same ways she did. One woman was struggling with raising a strong-willed boy. Another was battling bouts of sadness when it came to moving on from her spouse who had passed away.

  “Tonight, I want to do something a little different. Tonight, I want to pair off into twos and have each of you pray for the other. Talk a little, then pray for each other. If you want to keep it unspoken, that’s okay too.”

  Everyone paired off with the person beside them.

  She turned to April, but she had paired with the person beside her. Turning to her other side, she was greeted by a woman who was in her early twenties.

  “Hi, I’m Jessica.”

  “Hi. So, what can I pray about for you?”

  “My marriage. My husband cheated on me a year ago and I am still battling depression to this day.”

  Tingles radiated down Rachel’s spine. “Wow. That must’ve been hard.”

  “It was, but God really changed me through it all. He showed me He wants me to rely on Him, not Tommy. God wants my heart to Himself, wholly and fully.”

  Rachel’s heart pounded. “Wow. What a coincidence.”

  Jessica tilted her head. “What? Why?”

  The pounding grew stronger in her chest. Then it happened. She spoke the words. “My husband had a problem with pornography.”

  Slowly nodding her head, Jessica agreed, not even seeming fazed to hear it. “This is no coincidence, girl. This is God’s doing. So, you caught your hubby early.”

  “Early?”

  “My husband was into that before he cheated on me. I didn’t know about it until later after the affair happened. It’s a slow fade that grows from checking a girl out, to viewing pornography, to cheating. Sin is terrible. It’s destructive, and it sucks the life out of everything good.”

  Rachel had thought about West and what he had done a lot. She had never once thought of it being a trail to something else, something deeper. For the first time since it came out, Rachel had thankfulness in her heart as she thought about how her father had walked out on her mother with his secretary. It was in that moment that she realized God’s grace through the circumstance. Her eyes began to water.

  Jessica reached out and touched her leg. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to diminish your experience.”

  “No.” Rachel shook her head and wiped her eyes. “It’s not that. I just hadn’t ever viewed his pornography as a steppingstone to bigger things, like physically going out and cheating. It really opened my eyes. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. I met a lady whose child had been molested by a priest. When the priest stepped down, guess what he admitted to viewing for years before anything happened with a child?”

  “Wow . . .”

  “Yeah, it’s a sickness. Pornography is a deep darkness that moves within churches without notice, without discussion, and without care. It’s destroying families and lives and yet there is little to no discussion on it.”

  Shaking her head, Rachel said, “It’s an epidemic that needs to be addressed.”

  “It truly is. Are you ready to pray?”

  “Yes.”

  Waking that evening to a shake of his shoulder as he lay on the couch, West blinked his eyes open to find Rachel smiling and towering over him. Startled, he slid himself up to sit on the couch.

  “What is going on?” He glanced at his cell phone on the coffee table. It was past ten o’clock. “I was asleep.”

  “I know, but I couldn’t stand not telling you about my night.”

  He rubbed his forehead as he tilted his head and rested an elbow on the arm of the couch. “Go ahead. Tell me.”

  “I met a woman whose husband cheated on her!”

  Furrowing his eyebrows, he turned sharply to look at her. “How is this a good thing?”

  “It’s not good, but it made me realize you were able to stop before something like that happened.”

  “Rachel!” Jerking his body off the couch, he shook his head. “How dare you think I’d ever do something like that!”

  She was quiet, appearing to be thinking something. West turned toward her.

  “What?”

  A shrug of her shoulder followed, then her gaze peered up from the couch at him. “You kind of already cheated on m
e, just in a different way.”

  Holding his hands up, he shook his head. “You know what? I’m done with this conversation. I was done with it months ago! I’m so sick of hearing that!”

  His pulse elevated as he exited the living room and headed into the kitchen. Rachel’s favorite thing to tell him since it all happened was how he’d had an affair with multiple women. Flipping on the light switch as he entered, he went over to the cupboard and retrieved a glass for water. As he filled his cup, Rachel walked into the room.

  “You don’t think you cheated on me?”

  “We have had this conversation so many times already!” Taking a deep drink of his water, he set the glass down on the counter. “I’m so tired of talking and rehashing the same stuff, Rachel. I can’t do it.”

  “I’m sorry you’re so tired of me!”

  Raising his eyebrows, he took a step closer. “I’m not tired of you. I’m tired of your not forgiving me. I want freedom from this!”

  “Do you believe you cheated on me?”

  “I was unfaithful, yes. Are you happy now?”

  “You were unfaithful for how many years? Five?”

  “Yes. Please, Rachel . . .” Rubbing his forehead, he shook his head. “Please get beyond this. Pastor Matt said we have to start moving forward.”

  “He doesn’t know it was for five years.”

  Shrugging, West opened his hands out. “You think his answer will be different? We have to move forward.”

  “We’ll see about that.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “We will ask Pastor Matt.”

  “No, we won’t. I’m not going back.”

  She raised her voice as she took a step closer to him. Her eyes were wide and filled with fire. “Excuse me?”

  Exiting the kitchen, he headed upstairs. He knew she’d be quieter near the children’s bedrooms. Going into their bedroom, he put on his sweats and tee shirt. Climbing into bed, he got under the covers.

  She walked in and sat down on the bed, her back facing him.

  “You need to leave.”

  Instantly, West was taken back to his childhood. More specifically, to the moment he had arrived home and his mother had asked him to leave. Something inside of West snapped.

  “Fine.” Pushing off the covers forcefully, he walked over to the closet and pulled down a suitcase. He started to pack it.

  “What are you doing? I meant leave the bedroom and go sleep on the couch.”

  “No!” He stopped and turned toward her. “I’m sick of it! All of it, Rachel! I’m sick of feeling like I’m just a mistake to you! I’m sick of just feeling like this warm body that pays the bills. I’m sick of being kicked out of my bed! I’m done.”

  He kept packing despite the tears rolling down her cheeks.

  “Don’t leave, West! Please don’t leave!” She grabbed his arm, but he moved away from her and finished packing. His heart pounding, he hurried down the stairs and to the door.

  “West!” Rachel screamed from atop the stairs.

  He stopped and looked at her. “Do you forgive me?”

  Hesitation lingered on her lips.

  “That’s what I thought.”

  Going out the front door, he shut it quietly behind him and went out to his car. Opening the back door, he tossed his suitcase in and then got into the driver seat. Gripping the steering wheel tightly as he drove down the block to the nearest hotel, hot tears burned as they rolled down his cheeks. He concluded that Rachel was just like his mother and that she hated him. There was no hope.

  Chapter 9

  Unable to sleep more than a few hours that night, Rachel rose from her bed and prepared a large breakfast for her children. She had explanations that she didn’t want to give. She was mad at what had happened last night. She was mad at how her husband had overreacted and stormed out of the house. The laundry list of sins that West had committed against her were piling up, and it was at the tipping point of no return.

  Sitting at the kitchen table with a breakfast spread of fruit, eggs, bacon, and toast, she waited for her children.

  Elizabeth, Jeremy, and Lilly all walked in together.

  “Good morning, children. Have a seat and dish up.”

  As they dished up, Rachel searched for the words she had rehearsed in her mind for the past hour.

  “Listen, your dad . . .”

  “Left. I know.” Elizabeth grabbed a piece of toast and glanced at her siblings. “I’m pretty sure we all heard you two last night.”

  Her heart sank.

  “Where did Daddy go?” Lilly’s gaze was on her mother.

  “We just need some time to figure things out. It’s going to be okay.”

  Jeremy was quiet, his eyebrows furrowed.

  “What’s on your mind, Jeremy?” Rachel searched his expression for answers and waited for his response.

  “You’re just so mean to him. I’m not surprised he left, Mom. It’s your fault.”

  “Honey, you don’t know the whole story.”

  Dropping his fork onto his plate, he shook his head. “You told him to leave. What else is there to know?”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  Jeremy got up and walked out of the room. Lilly began to whimper, and anxiousness filled Rachel’s body. Standing up from the table, she went over to Lilly and hugged her.

  “It’s going to be okay.”

  Exiting the kitchen, she went upstairs to Jeremy’s room. Knocking lightly, she turned the doorknob and went in. He was sitting on his bed, back against the headboard with his earbuds in. He still looked angry.

  Proceeding over to the bed, she sat down beside him and he turned his eyes away from her.

  “Honey.” She rested a hand on his leg.

  Pulling out the earbuds, he opened his arms. “What do you want, Mom? Can’t you see I just want to be left alone?”

  “You have to eat and go to school.”

  “What’s the point? School is useless.”

  “That’s not true.” Scooting closer, she reached for him and tried to hug him, but he pushed her back.

  “Stop it. I don’t want a hug.”

  Her shoulders slumped. Rachel’s heart ached as she looked into her son’s broken eyes. He had suffered from all of this, just as much as she was, if not more. All of her children were suffering. “Jeremy, I don’t know a whole lot. But I do know that I love you and I care about you.”

  “Then fix things with Dad! I don’t know what is going on between the two of you, but you’re being mean, Mom.”

  “You’re right, I’ve been a little mean. Probably not just to him, but to all of you. Yelling and everything. I’m sorry about that. Now can you please go eat and get going to school? You can’t miss the carpool.”

  “Fine.” Scooting off the bed, he went out of the bedroom door and downstairs to finish breakfast. Turning as she peered out the open doorway, she thought about Susan’s words to her when they met months ago. God’s holding you. She knew forgiveness toward West wasn’t possible in her own flesh, but she knew God had already forgiven him. Peering up at the ceiling, hot tears filled her eyes.

  “Let my heart forgive him, Lord. Let my heart forgive him!”

  Wiping her eyes, she stood up from the bed and returned downstairs to the children in the kitchen. They were finishing up their food. To her surprise, Jeremy cleared the table without being asked. She was so confused by it, she stopped him before he left for the carpool. Pulling him aside in the living room, she inquired.

  “Why’d you clear the table?”

  He shrugged, adjusting the strap of his backpack on his shoulder. “I don’t know. I wanted to do it.”

  “But why?”

  “Mom. I don’t know. I wanted to.”

  He left with the other children to catch the carpool. Rachel sat on the couch and pondered the experience. She called Susan.

  “People need to know that you care. You showed him you cared by apologizing during your talk upstairs.�
��

  “Wow. That was a quick answer.” Rachel rubbed her forehead. “I should’ve been able to realize that.”

  Susan laughed. “You don’t get to the age I am without learning some things. Life is a learning process. Sometimes you learn from mistakes, and sometimes you learn from others’ mistakes. Take this as a learning moment from my own mistakes.”

  Sitting down at the kitchen table, West was on her mind. Her unforgiving heart was as well. “I can’t get to the point where I forgive him, Susan.”

  “Do you want to forgive him?”

  “Yes. I just don’t know how to feel it.”

  “Forgiveness is an act, not a feeling. What do you think holds you back?”

  “I fear he will hurt me again. I fear I will have to not bring anything up again and just let everything go.”

  “Honey. Don’t confuse forgiveness with trust. Forgiveness doesn’t heal the problem. It merely allows you to free that person from paying the penalty for the sin. If you continue to hold onto it, you will fill yourself with bitterness and anger toward him. Do you believe God has forgiven him?”

  “Of course, but I’m not God.”

  “Right, but how much has God forgiven of you?”

  Rachel was quiet for a long moment. “A lot.”

  “Exactly. I’m not trying to force you into forgiving West for what he did. That’s between you and God. All I am saying is if you truly want your marriage to heal and to thrive again, you must forgive.”

  After hanging up with Susan, her email chimed on her phone with a notification. It was a daily report of internet activity. She had been getting them every single day for over three months.

  She opened the email on her phone and pored over the lines of activity, paying close attention to his cell phone activity after he had stormed out last night.