Trusting Him to Lead

by T. K. Chapin

  It was clean.

  Covering her mouth, her heart pounded inside her chest. Rachel peered up from her phone and looked toward the doorway leading out to the living room. She thought about his staying the night at a hotel. Her heart ached knowing he was hurting.

  Opening the bank app on her phone, she saw a charge to a motel a few blocks down the road.

  After a long, hot shower that morning, West got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. Wiping the mirror of steam, he peered at his reflection. His life was in shambles, his heart somewhere under it all, hidden below the deepest rocks at the bottom of the rubble. He used to think he understood his life, understood his direction and purpose, but not anymore. He wasn’t sure of anything now.

  Sighing deeply, he pulled the complimentary toothbrush out from the box and dabbed on the toothpaste they provided. Brushing his teeth, he stared at the sink, not wanting to see his reflection in the mirror.

  A knock sounded on the door of the hotel room.

  Spitting, he scooped a handful of cold water and rinsed out his mouth.

  Exiting the bathroom, he went over to the door and opened it.

  It was Rachel.

  Opening the door fully, he walked toward the bathroom. His heart started to pound. “Let me get dressed.”

  Emerging a few moments later, he found his wife sitting on the edge of the hotel bed. She was crying into her hands. His heart ached thinking about what she had endured that morning with the children and to see her upset. He sat down beside her on the bed and placed an arm around her shoulders.

  “I’m sorry. I know this morning couldn’t have been easy with the kids.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” Rachel stood up from the bed and then knelt in front of him. With tear-soaked and red swollen eyes, she grabbed his hands.

  “West . . . I forgive you.”

  His heart jumped but then fell just as quickly. “You just want me home.”

  She shook her head. “No. I truly forgive you. I have wanted to forgive you for a while now, but I didn’t want to let go of some things. I realize now more than ever that this isn’t going to get fixed in one day. It’s not going to be fixed in a few months or even a year. It’s a long process and it’s going to take a lot of work, but it starts with my forgiving you. That doesn’t mean I trust you. That doesn’t mean I won’t cry or get upset over anything again, but it does mean I am releasing you from the penalty of your sin. Jesus already paid the price of it. I don’t need to crucify you over it.”

  West had thought this moment would provide him with relief and joy that would surge through his veins, but it didn’t. It had only driven the pain deeper into his being. He didn’t deserve forgiveness, especially after his behavior last night in addition to what he had done to her for years. He shook his head as his chin dipped.

  “I don’t deserve forgiveness for what I’ve done.”

  “That’s right, but you’re getting it. Just like we both get forgiveness from God that we don’t deserve. I realized I can’t hold onto unforgiveness when God has forgiven me of so much.” She squeezed his hands firmly. “We can’t work on this marriage if we’re not both at home. Come home with me, West.”

  He stood up and took a few steps away from her and the bed. “But how will this get better?”

  She stood up, facing him. “I don’t know, but we have to keep trying.”

  Crossing the distance to him, she grabbed ahold of West’s shirt and pulled him closer to her. “You’re my husband, and I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  As she kissed him, he felt sadness inch further into his soul. He thought the rudeness and outright hatred she had shown him hurt, but this was far more deeply disturbing to his soul. She loved him despite his flaws, and she stood by him despite his insecurities and failings. She loved him wholly and fully, despite all his mistakes. Love eclipsed the pain he felt, washing him in it.

  Bringing his hands up, he wrapped his arms around Rachel. Releasing from their kiss, he proceeded to hold her in that moment.

  As he stood there with her, a painful thought surfaced. If only my mother would’ve shown me unconditional love. Then it dawned on him like the sun rising on a new day. His mother. She was a wound that had never been healed.

  After holding each other for a while longer, they gathered his belongings and returned to the house. That evening, West apologized to the children and explained that he and their mother were going through a rough patch, but things would get better. After they were tucked away in bed, West and Rachel came downstairs and sat together on the couch.

  “Are you going to the men’s Bible study tomorrow?”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  “How come?” She reached a hand over, touching his arm. “The pastor said getting plugged in was important.”

  West nodded. “I know, but I’m going to visit my mom.”

  Raising an eyebrow, she scooted closer. “Oh, yeah? You haven’t seen her since your grandpa died. Right?”

  “Right.” He sighed deeply, then looked straight ahead. “Last night, I was lying in the hotel bed thinking about how I had said ‘more bitterness’ yesterday during our session with pastor Matt. This morning after you came to the hotel, I began piecing things together in my mind. I realized I’m bitter toward God about taking my dad away and about my mother’s rejection of me. I never forgave her for what she did to me.”

  “Do you now?”

  He swallowed and shrugged. “I don’t know, but I feel like I need to go see her. Sit down and talk as adults.”

  “I’ll be praying for you.”

  The next morning, West headed out to Suncrest, a little community just a few miles outside of Spokane. He had an address for her that he got from his Aunt Lori. Pulling into the driveway of his mother’s house, his heart pounded as he shut off the engine. Peering through the windshield toward the house, memories of long ago flooded through his mind. His mother’s spiral into depression after his father passed away. The rejection of him that night long ago when she was awake upon his arrival home. She’d so easily thrown him out of the house. How do I forgive that? he asked himself and he asked God. Then he remembered his wife’s forgiveness. Just like she forgave me.

  Getting out of the car, he walked the driveway up to the door.

  He knocked on the frame of the screen door.

  West’s mind spun with thoughts of doubt. This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come here. What if she just throws me out?

  The door opened, and his mother’s eyes were like saucers on the other side of the screen door.

  “Westley?” Her voice was weak.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  Pushing open the screen door, she let him inside.

  Coming into the living room of the house, his mother pointed to a coat rack. He took off his coat and hung it on a hook. Following her over to the couch, they sat down.

  “Haven’t seen you in a while, Son. How’s the wife and kids?”

  “I want to know why you rejected me. Why you kicked me out after Dad died.”

  Raising her eyebrows, she sighed. “I guess we’re skipping the small talk . . .”

  “I have never felt so unloved in my life, Mom.”

  Dipping her chin, she shook her head slowly. “I’m so sorry I did that to you.”

  “Why did you do it?”

  Her gaze lifted to meet his in that moment. “I couldn’t take care of you. It was evident to me more than ever that night you came home high and drunk. Your father was who kept you on point and in line. It was never me. Once he was out of the picture, I knew I couldn’t do it. That’s why I had my mom and dad take you in. And look at you now! You turned out great!”

  He laughed sarcastically as he shook his head. “You don’t even know me.”

  “Of course I do! You work at DigiTech, you’ve been married for ten years, and you have three children.”

  “That’s not who I am!” His voice quieted. “Those are just facts about me
.”

  “Okay. In that case, Westley, who are you?”

  The question stopped him. He couldn’t respond because he didn’t have an answer.

  Again, his mother asked, “Who are you?”

  “I have to go.” Standing up, he headed for the door.

  “That’s it? You’re leaving?”

  “Yes. I’m leaving.” Grabbing his coat, he put it on and left.

  He shut the door behind him and went out to his car. His hand trembled as he put the key into the ignition and backed out of the driveway. As he drove back to Spokane, one question lingered in his mind. Who am I?

  At about ten o’clock that same morning, West returned home but without saying a word to Rachel. He came in, hung up his coat in the closet, and then went into his office. He kept the door opened a fraction. Rachel wanted so badly to go into his office and drill him about the visit with his mother, but she fought the urge burning inside her. She knew he needed space and when the time was right, he would come to her.

  Taking the kids to the park in the neighborhood with her mother, Linda, they found a spot on a bench facing the playground. Watching the children play for a moment, she listened to her mother drill unwelcomed advice into her head.

  “He’ll do it again, then again and again, Rachel.”

  “You don’t know that, Mom.” In the hopes of changing the subject, she inquired about her grandparents’ house. “Did the house close with that couple that wanted to buy it?”

  “Yes, it closed. Thank you again for the help with getting everything ready. You and your sister are a blessing in so many ways.”

  “How is Brittany?”

  Her mother glared over at her. “You’re trying to keep the subject off your marriage problems, Rachel. Aren’t you?”

  Smiling, Rachel nodded. “Yes. It’s my marriage, and we’re trying to work on things. I don’t need my mother telling me it’s hopeless and that he’s just going to go back to his old ways.”

  Linda was quiet for a moment. She let out a heavy sigh and then turned toward Rachel, touching her leg lightly. “I’m sorry. I just get worried about you.”

  Her mother’s phone rang in her purse beside her. Pulling it out, she lifted a finger. “It’s the bank. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  Standing, her mother walked to the other side of the playground to take the phone call.

  Rachel thought about all that had transpired in such a short span of time. Her heart still felt thick, West’s silence about his visit only thickening the walls of her heart. She wanted him to open up, and she had hoped the moment in the hotel would lead to more of that, but it hadn’t.

  Her phone in her pocket chimed.

  Retrieving it, she saw her Bible app notification for the verse of the day. She opened it.

  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

  Matthew 11:28

  Her eyes immediately welled with tears. She opened the chapter in order to read the full quote in Scripture by her Savior Jesus Christ.

  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

  Matthew 11:28-30

  The tears spilled over onto her cheeks as her heart began to melt at the Word and the love of God. Here she had been listening to all the advice in the world—from her mother, Pastor Matt, from Susan, from other ladies in her life—and yet she only needed to receive a single statement from God to melt her entirely. She was weary, she was burdened, and Jesus was the only One who could comfort her in the deepest part of her sorrow. Bowing her head, she began to pray.

  “God, I’m sorry I haven’t been relying on You. I’m sorry that I held back in forgiving West. Nothing is fixed now that I said I’m sorry to him, but I know I can come to You.” Wiping her tears, she breathed deeply. “Forgive me for not relying on You. Forgive me for my part in all of this. I tried to hold onto the pain in my stubbornness. He hurt me so badly and I wanted him to pay . . .” Pausing, a phrase came to her mind. I paid it all. “But You paid it in full on the cross over 2,000 years ago. Let my heart be a heart that lives for You, Lord. Help me to focus on what pleases You.”

  As Rachel finished her prayer, she lifted her gaze to the playground as she thought of West at home in his office. No longer was she thinking about the fact that he hadn’t come to her, but now she was thinking about how painful it had to be for him to come face to face with his mother. What grief he must be under. Closing the Bible app on her phone, she texted him.

  Rachel: I know that had to be hard for you to do. Know this. I’m praying for you.

  Closing her text messages, she slipped her phone back into her pocket and lifted a prayer toward Heaven for her husband. Then she continued watching the children on the playground and her mother on the phone.

  Her encounter with God that day on the park bench didn’t erase the pain of what had happened to her, and it didn’t erase the consequences either. What the encounter did was change her heart from an inward focus to an outward one. So much so that the following Sunday, she signed up for a volunteer position during service every other week.

  On Rachel’s first day of volunteering the following Sunday, she woke up early, and after spending time in the Word of God, she went over the lesson plan she would be working from that morning. It was on the questioning Pharisee named Nicodemus. The children would be painting a starry night to represent the evening time in which Nicodemus came to meet Jesus. Then, Rachel would be reading the encounter between Nicodemus and Jesus outlined in John 3:1-21. The learning principle for the children was: We must seek God in order to learn of Him. Reading the various passages that highlighted the life of Nicodemus in Scripture brought light to the fact that he most likely had converted to a believer after that meeting with Jesus. When people encounter the Savior, they are transformed. Even the intellectual elites can be changed over to the light when they have a heart that seeks after truth, a heart that seeks after God.

  That morning in her Sunday school classroom, two weeks after West’s mysterious visit to his mother’s house, she reread the passage once more about Nicodemus. The children were still down the hallway in children’s worship, giving her a few minutes of quiet. Suddenly, West walked into the class.

  Turning, she lifted an eyebrow. “Surprised to see you. I thought you’d be in the sanctuary by now.”

  He smiled as he crossed the room over to her at the counter. Picking up a bottle of black paint, he looked at it, then shot a confused look at her. “What’s the black paint for? Sin?”

  “The night sky. Learning about Nicodemus meeting Jesus at night.”

  “Ahh.” He set the paint bottle back down. Then he turned toward her. “Hey. I wanted to talk to you.”

  Peering past him at the doorway of her Sunday school class that would soon be filled with children, she smiled as she looked at him again. “Can it wait? I’ll have about sixteen kids in here come ten minutes from now.”

  Taking a step closer, he took her by the hands. “I just want to say thank you.”

  Recalling the last couple of weeks, she shook her head as she tilted it. “For what? There hasn’t really been much of anything going on, West.”

  He laughed lightly. “I know. You’ve grown quiet, but in a good way. You seem different. Anyway, it’s been nice, and I just want to thank you for that.”

  “You’re welcome. I guess.”

  West peered over at the papers, then his gaze landed on the paints momentarily before returning back to her eyes. “You’re doing a good thing here.”

  Coming closer to her, he kissed her on the cheek, then left.

  As he exited the doorway of her Sunday school class, she smiled and peered up at the ceiling. She had given up on trying to fix her marriage and fighting over everything. Instead, she started to focus all of her ener
gy on God and serving Him. Yes, it had only been a couple of weeks since she’d made the decision, but she was already starting to see God move in her marriage. Thank You, Lord.

  What West had done wasn’t gone from her mind, but it was less important on the list of her priorities in her mind. Her top priority was God and focusing more on what pleased Him. For God was the only true One who would never forsake her, never leave her, and never disappoint her.

  Chapter 10

  The next morning, West got dressed for work and was almost out the door when Rachel called out to him from the kitchen. Stopping, he turned and waited at the door.

  Crossing the living room floor, his wife hurried over with a bag full of chocolate chip cookies she had baked the night before. West had assumed it was for the children and hadn’t taken any of them.

  He took the bag from her with a smile. “Thank you.”

  Rachel smiled and peered into his eyes. “You’re welcome. I love you. Have a wonderful day.”

  She leaned on her toes and kissed him on the lips. His heart radiated warmth as he hadn’t experienced a kiss like that in a very long time. Overwhelmed at the moment, he smiled, feeling as if the dawn were breaking in the darkness that had loomed over their marriage for the last five months.

  “I love you too.”

  On his drive to work, West started replaying his conversations with Steve in his mind. How Steve had told him everything could be fine one second, then change the next. His abundant joy and jubilee drained out of him by the time he pulled into the parking lot at DigiTech. How long will this pleasantness last? He pondered as he exited the car and crossed the parking lot into work.

  Hanging his coat on his cubicle office chair, he went to find Steve.

  Steve was on a phone call in his cubicle.

  Taking the phone from Steve, he hung it up on the receiver.

  Steve furrowed his eyebrows and opened his arms. “What on earth, man? I was on the phone with my brother. He just had a baby.”