Triangles

by Kimberly Ann Miller

  “You’re all I ever wanted. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt before, but come on, do you think I’m stupid?” He swiped away his tears with the back of his hand. “They both said you were with Marcus. Jessica wouldn’t lie even if that douchebag would. And I’ve seen you stare at him, Autumn. If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone. I have no reason to live without you.”

  I grabbed his arm. “Don’t say that! You have a lot to live for! Your family, your job, your friends. I don’t deserve a great guy like you, Joey. I never did and I never will. You can hate me for the rest of my life. Just, please, don’t say you have no reason to live.” Panic welled up inside me. I remembered feeling that way on many occasions. Mom’s accident, Dad’s accident, Dad’s funeral…

  But something had always pulled me back. Nisha would bring me a surprise at work, or Jessica would make hot dogs for dinner and put on a chick flick. Sleepy would lick my toes. Or the sun would shine just right into my room, making the perfect ray of light. Those little things made me realize why it was important to keep on living.

  Now I knew what Joey needed. He needed the words. Even if I didn’t mean them, I had to save him from this pain. For his sake, I had to stop being a selfish bitch.

  I took his chin in my hand and turned his face toward mine. “You can have me. I mean, you do have me. I’m yours, Joey. I married you, didn’t I? Doesn’t that tell you how I feel?” It sounded so weird to have those words tumble out of my mouth. They tasted wrong, but to Joey they would be right.

  “What about Marcus?”

  I looked away from his forlorn face. I had no idea what was happening with Marcus. Looking Joey in the eye, the lie didn’t come as easy as I’d hoped. “Let’s forget about him and the past, Joey. Start new. I hung out with him before we got together—”

  “You told me nothing ever happened with him. Now you’re admitting it did? Forget it.” He scrubbed his hand down his face and got up. He walked past me and opened the door.

  “Joey, don’t leave. Come on, let’s talk about this.” I reached out toward him, but his long stride carried him away faster than I could grab him. “Maybe we can move away together, start new.”

  He didn’t answer. I followed him out of the room, down the hall, and out the doors toward the back of the ship. The wind was fierce, whipping me with my own hair for what I’d done. Joey marched toward the rail despite the incredible gale force. On a ship this huge, Joey had found the one spot that was isolated. Not a single soul was in sight.

  He unbuttoned his shirt and kicked off his shoes.

  “Joey, stop! What are you doing?” I bent down and picked up his shoes.

  He turned back to me with the most haunting expression I’d ever seen on a living person. No matter how hard I tried, I could not tear my eyes away from his face.

  “I can’t live like this, Autumn. There’s nothing left inside of me.” He pointed over his shoulder toward the vast ocean. “That’s how I feel inside. Like a great big pool of dark nothing. You’re better off without me, anyway. You can do so much better than some dumb grease monkey who barely graduated high school. In fact, you deserve better.”

  He slipped off his shirt. The wind stole it from him and dragged it out to sea. “I’ll love you forever. Don’t ever forget that.” He stepped up to the rail and grabbed it with both hands.

  I ran to catch up to him and clutched his arm. “Joey, please.” Tears streamed down my face as I realized his intentions. “Please, don’t leave me. I love you. You know that!” I shook his arm. “Please, let’s talk this through!”

  He released the rail with one hand and wiped the tears from my cheeks. His touch felt like angels’ wings gently beating against my skin. I took his hand and held it to my face.

  “Don’t go. I’m begging you. I know I need you. Stay with me.” I grasped at whatever straws I could find. “And Emmie needs you, Joey. You don’t want her to grow up without a good dad, do you? Please. Don’t do this.”

  His lips dipped into a frown. “I wish I could believe you. Take care of our baby. Goodbye, Autumn Rayne.”

  He yanked his hand from my face and climbed onto the rail. I ran up behind him and wrapped both arms around his waist, using every ounce of strength in my sad body to hold onto him.

  He pried my fingers off his body, shoved me back, and, before I could get to him, jumped over the edge into the black ocean below.

  Thirteen

  Joey had jumped over the edge because of what I had done to him. The agony inside of me felt like someone had ripped my heart out, tossed it in a food processor, and shredded it like cheese. The stringy remains weren’t enough to sustain my life. There had to be a special corner of Hell reserved for people like me. How many lives would I destroy in the process of ruining my own?

  I already messed up Mom and Dad’s lives, and Jessica’s. I hoped Sir Sleepsalot thought he had a good life. If he didn’t, it was because of me, too. This was exactly the reason I kept people away.

  I clutched at the railing and screamed Joey’s name over and over, searching the blackness below for any movement, any sign that his life remained intact. Panicked, I whirled around to run for help and found Dr. Hardy standing on the top stair of the stairwell, watching me. Her expression resembled a teacher watching a student after an important lesson.

  I had no idea what that lesson was.

  I ran toward her, begging her to help me, to help Joey, but she remained still, almost statue-like. As I started to plead for her help, I slipped on a wet spot, fell down the stairwell and hit my head. All I could remember after that was being dragged back to my room and crying until I’d expelled every last drop of water that wasn’t absolutely necessary to keep me alive. I passed out before Jessica came back—if she even came back at all.

  The pillow might still have been damp when I woke up the next morning, or it might just have been my imagination. I had no idea who had put me in my bed or how I had even gotten there. I wasn’t even sure of my own name anymore.

  Today was my last day in the Bermuda Triangle. I was afraid to get out of bed. What if today was as messed up as every other day had been?

  What if—God forbid—it was worse?

  I sat up and stared out the window. The dark blue water looked like sparkling sapphires. The light blue sky held cotton ball clouds. The sun shone a brilliant yellow. The island’s docks already bustled with cruise ship passengers and locals.

  What had happened to Joey? If he was dead because of me, I’d never be able to live with myself. I needed to find out if he was okay.

  My pulse reacted to the thought of seeing him again. The obvious thrill on his face when he saw me, the smile he reserved only for me, and the way he tried to act cool but failed were all growing on me.

  Jessica stirred on the couch. She opened her eyes and saw me looking at her. “Hey.” I pointed out the window, trying to hide my moist eyes. “Beautiful island.”

  She stretched. “Amazing, isn’t it? How do you feel today?” The dark circles under her eyes made me wonder how she felt, not me.

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “Not up to talking about it. You?”

  She got up and came over to me, then put her hand on my forehead. We weren’t the touchy-feely type, so the gesture surprised me. “No fever today. Good job. Let’s get your IV drip started early so we can enjoy the sun a little before we go home.”

  I stared at her face. IV drip? What was she talking about?

  This sounded worse than the past two days put together.

  The panic from last night shot through my stomach. Nausea gripped my insides. I scooted down under the covers and wrapped my arms around my belly and held it tight, hoping to keep whatever was in it where it belonged.

  Jessica grabbed my arm. “What is it? Are you okay?”

  I grimaced as the nausea fought to gain control over me.

  She tugged on the arm she held. “God, Autumn, talk to me. You’re turning green. Is it the nausea again?”

  I n
odded, afraid to open my mouth for fear of losing last night’s dinner.

  She pulled a stuffed backpack out of a drawer and dumped a bunch of medical items onto the bed next to me. Needles, bags with yellow liquid in them, alcohol wipes, Band-Aids, and other things I didn’t recognize tumbled into the pile. She picked out a tiny container and stabbed the top with a needle.

  “Give me your butt, Raynie. This will take care of that nausea. Then we can start your medication, okay?”

  Fear replaced the nausea. I held up my hands to stop her.

  “Um, Jessica? What is that?” I nodded toward the now-full syringe in her hand. “I don’t want to get stuck with any needles. And I don’t want to give you my butt.” Hoping to keep my butt unstabbed, I pulled my covers closer and tucked them in around my body.

  She shook her head. “You have to get the drip today. Please, don’t make me force you. You know you need it. You always feel better after the nausea medicine, too, so roll over. Come on.” She pulled my covers off my legs, exposing yellow, green, and blue bruises. Some were the size of pencil erasers. Others were as big as oranges.

  Shocked, I rolled onto my side. She yanked down my panties and wiped a spot with snow-cold alcohol pads. When she jabbed the needle into my butt, I yelped.

  “Sorry, honey. I hate causing you more pain.” She gently patted the fire that was now spreading from the needle stick. It didn’t help.

  I rolled back to face her. “Rephrasing, Jessica. Why do I have to get the drip? What is it for?” I rubbed my butt.

  “Because the cancer won’t take the day off, so neither should you.” She uncapped a needle with her teeth. “And I promised Mom I’d make sure you took all your medicine. I intend to keep that promise.”

  Holy shit. I had cancer?

  Why should I be surprised? I deserved cancer.

  I threw my head back against my pillow and noticed a few strands of hair on the sheets. I reached up to my head and pulled my fingers through hair that felt like straw. My hands were covered in hair that had just fallen out.

  I stared at my hands and started to cry.

  “Aw, honey, please don’t cry.” Jessica sat down and put her arms around my shoulders. “You’re going to be fine, all right? We will fight this thing. What do you say? You and me against the world. You’re beautiful no matter what happens to your stupid hair.”

  I pulled back to look at her. “You can say that because you’re sitting there with your pretty blonde hair and great face and know that guys will still want you and you aren’t dying. I’m getting bald and bruised and ugly right before my eyes!”

  The reality of my predicament held my chest like a vise. My breaths rushed in and out of me as I struggled to keep air in my lungs.

  She patted my thigh. “I’m sorry. You’re right. Calm down, please. I don’t know how you feel, but I know you. And no matter what, we’ll always be sisters, and I’ll do anything in my power to make you better. Got it?” She smiled at me and rubbed my arm. “Now let me start your IV. We can get the chemo and antibiotics over with and maybe have a little fun if you feel okay. What do you say?”

  What could I say? I swiped a tear away with my finger. “Fine. Do what you have to do.”

  I extended my arm toward Jessica and saw the needle marks. Hey, at least it wasn’t from drugs. Or was it? I had no idea. I also had a rash that I didn’t recognize. Flipping through my mental filing cabinet of rashes, nothing came up that resembled this.

  I pointed to the tiny red bumps on my arm. “Jessica, what’s that?”

  She lightly rubbed the bumps. “It’s from the chemo. It’ll go away when treatment is over. Don’t worry. It’s not permanent.”

  I was on the verge of giving up trying to figure everything out. One thing I knew for sure—I didn’t want this to be my life. I didn’t know how I would deal with cancer and dying. With what I’d experienced with my parents, I’d had enough of illness and death to last twenty lifetimes.

  But if this trip didn’t end soon, I was going to die.

  Either from the cancer or from insanity.

  “Jessica, what did you say about Mom?”

  “I said she only let us come on this trip with her if you promised to take your medicine. And hey, don’t forget about the hot-dog eating contest near the main pool today!” Jessica’s smile and eyes seemed just a little too wide. “Your favorite!”

  I looked down at my arm. “Can I eat hot dogs with this?”

  She laughed. “You can eat whatever you want. You might not have much of an appetite, though.”

  “Jessica, how am I allowed to travel with all this?” I asked, sweeping my hand toward the pile of medical paraphernalia. “I mean, shouldn’t I be in the hospital or something?”

  She shook her head and forced a tight smile. “Dr. Campbell said you could travel if you took your medicine, avoided sick people, and used your sanitizer religiously. And since this is your second round of chemo and we know how your body reacts and have things under control, he cleared you.”

  She dropped her gaze and her eyes filled with tears.

  “Jessica, can I—”

  She shot up and ran into the bathroom. A second later, she blew her nose.

  And that probably meant that what she’d said was total bullshit and this would be my last vacation.

  Ever.

  A soft knock at the door interrupted Jessica. She walked toward the peephole and looked out.

  “Who is it?” I asked. Did I even want to know?

  She looked over her shoulder and smiled at me. “Ooh! It’s Marcus!”

  Great. “Don’t let him in. I don’t want to see him.” I’d just woken up, my hair looked like a half-shaved rat’s nest, and there were drugs and needles all over the place.

  Jessica reached for the door handle. “I’ll tell him to go away till we’re done. Okay?”

  “Tell him I’ll meet him at the buffet when my medicine is finished.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me and walked to my side. “Come on, Autumn. You know I like him. Why would he be meeting you at the buffet?” She covered up the paraphernalia on the bed. “Now get ready for your medicine, and I’ll get rid of him.”

  She cracked the door open just enough to whisper to him. I strained to hear what she was saying. If I was right, it sounded like she was flirting with him.

  I had to admit, listening to them made me a little jealous. And annoyed. I had always thought Jessica was prettier than me, but I had better luck with guys. Now she was getting the guys? One of the guys who’d spent the cruise chasing me, not her?

  I knew it. I was going to end up alone with my cat. One day, someone would find me dead in my apartment with cats eating me because I hadn’t fed them. That was, if anyone bothered to check on me.

  And now with me being sick and hairless, it was ending before it began.

  She shut the door and came back to the bed. Her eyes sparkled as she dug through the medical stuff and found another needle, which she inserted into my arm after putting on gloves that smelled like burning chemicals. I was amazed that it didn’t hurt. Maybe it was because she was good, or maybe it was because my arm had grown used to being violated.

  “You’re getting so good at this. I’m proud of you. You used to cry every time the IV went in.” She hooked it up to a bag of bright yellow liquid. “Maybe I’m just that good though, huh?” She laughed.

  I didn’t. “How long will this take, Jessica?”

  She watched the medication flow through the tubing. “Same as always. I’m going to get ready while it runs.” She grabbed a book out of her bag and tossed it to me. I blinked as it came at my face but caught it before it took my eye out. “Here. Flip through this while I’m in the bathroom. You’re almost done with it.”

  The book was titled Cancer and You: A Young Survivor’s Guide. The creased pages held coffee stains and cat hair. Highlighted text on most pages glowed yellow, and notes in my handwriting filled corners and blank pages. Guess the cancer was an ongoing thing
. I flipped through, looking for answers to questions like what kind of cancer did I have? How long would I live? And would my hair grow back?

  After spending five minutes reading words that made me sick to my stomach, I slammed the book shut.

  What difference did it make anyway? Hopefully the pattern would continue and this would all be over tomorrow, one way or another. Either I’d be stuck with the cancer and learn about it anyway, or things would be different again.

  I’d have to wait till tomorrow to find out.

  Jessica emerged from the bathroom in a tiny black thong bikini. She was exposing more skin than a stripper. At least my bikini bottom covered my ass.

  “Isn’t that a bit risqué? One jump in the pool and your boobs will be displayed like in a Girls Gone Wild video.”

  She smiled and pulled on a loose-knit cover-up, then turned to me, spreading her arms out. “Better?”

  “That doesn’t do much to cover things up, either.”

  She shrugged. “I like my body. Why not show it off on vacation?” She must have noticed the way I was glaring at her because she huffed. “God, Autumn, what? So I’m proud of all the working out I do. Why can’t I be a little wild? This trip is almost over anyway. I want to have a little fun before we dock back in Jersey and reality sets in.”

  “How long have you liked Marcus?” I asked.

  “I met him when we boarded the ship. You introduced us, remember? When I asked if you were interested, you said I could have him.” She looked at the medicine bag and walked over to me. She gave the bag a squeeze. “Almost done. Ready for some fun on our last day in Bermuda?”

  I nodded. “Am I allowed to have fun with all this?” I pointed toward the medicine and needles.

  She kept her eyes on the bag of medication. “Sure. We can do whatever you want.” She injected some clear fluid into the IV once the yellow stuff was gone. “And I’m sorry about Marcus. I didn’t mean to get mad about that.”