Triangles

by Kimberly Ann Miller

  “It’s fine. I just…” I didn’t know what I wanted to say. “How long do I have, Jessica? Am I dying? Like, right now?”

  She took a deep breath and sighed. “Don’t think like that! You’ll go into remission and be just fine.” She turned away and busied herself with packing up the drugs. She sniffled and dripped tears onto the backpack as she worked.

  Yup, I was definitely dying. Maybe not right then, but it didn’t sound too good. I hoped I had at least one more day, because I wanted to get out of the Triangle before it took my life.

  I tried to sort through my thoughts, figure out if there was a pattern to the different realities I’d been suffering through, but it was hard to think when my arm felt like I’d just stuck it into a fireplace. “Ouch!” I yelled. “It’s burning, Jessica. Fix it.”

  Jessica shook her head and disappeared into the bathroom again.

  Guess it was supposed to burn.

  I did a mental tally of my body, pressing on everything from head to toe. Everything seemed to feel okay. Nothing hurt. How sick could I be? I felt around for lumps and looked for scars. Nothing but bruises. I reached up and touched my head. More clumps of hair fell out. I must have looked like those hairless dogs with tiny sprouts of hair here and there.

  “Jessica?” I called to her from the bed. My voice broke as I spoke. “Do I have something to cover my head with? A hat or something?” Tears slid down my cheeks as I stared at the loose strands littering the bed.

  When I’d heard about Joey taking care of his mother when she had cancer, I couldn’t imagine being the patient or the caretaker. Both scared the hell out of me. But being sick scared me the most.

  If this day became my reality after the cruise, I couldn’t handle it. I wouldn’t.

  Jessica came out of the bathroom in time for another knock at the door. “Oh God, I hope it’s not Joey again. He sure takes the protective brother thing to extremes, especially since he’s only a stepbrother.” She peeked through the peephole again.

  Joey. I’d forgotten all about his plunge overboard last night. Thank God he was alive. But Jessica just said…

  I grabbed my hair and shut my eyes. Our stepbrother? Shit. Guess Mom got remarried. Or Dad? Who knew.

  I gave up.

  He knocked again, harder and louder.

  “Autumn’s getting her medicine! Come back later!”

  “Come on, Jessica. I won’t be long. I just want to make sure she’s okay,” he said through the door.

  Jessica glanced at me. “Do you want me to let him in?”

  I shrugged. “Just give me a second to—”

  I saw his face a second later when she cracked the door open and he pushed past her, his eyes fixed on mine. She retreated into the bathroom again and locked the door behind her.

  I pulled the covers over my head. “Get out of here, Joey! I’m not decent!” The last thing I wanted was for any guy to see my ugly head without hair. How could he stand to look at someone so hideous? I didn’t even want to see myself.

  “You know I don’t care about that. How are you feeling?” He sat down on the bed next to me and tugged lightly at the covers, but I held them tight.

  “Joey, rephrasing. Get out! I’m hiding here, in case you didn’t notice.”

  “Calm down, Autumn. I’m not going to make you come out of your tent. Tell me you’re okay and I’ll go. I had to check on you.” I heard him open a bag. “And here. This is for you.”

  I felt the covers move next to my arm. A baseball cap that said “Bermuda” appeared at the end of Joey’s hand.

  I took the hat, shoved what hair I had up inside it, then lowered the covers. Joey sat next to me. He looked at ease despite the needles and pills spread out on the bed. And despite my damaged head and body.

  “Thanks for the hat. I’m hanging in there, I guess.” I couldn’t look at his eyes. I knew this cancer had to be punishment for every bad thing I’d ever done. “And I’m glad you’re okay, too.”

  Boy, was that an understatement—I thought he might be dead. But he didn’t need to know that.

  He motioned toward the bathroom with his head. “How’s Jessica doing? Is she going out with Marcus today?”

  I blinked a few times. “Uh, I think so. Why do you ask?”

  His face clouded over. “I just don’t like her hanging out with him.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I don’t trust him. He’s a player, Autumn. He takes what he can get and moves on. I hate that. Guys like him piss me off.”

  “How do you know he’s a player?”

  “He works at the bank by the shop, remember? We’ve both seen him in the store with different girls. And I bank there, so I’ve seen how he hunts down women. Every time I go in there he has a different girl hanging around his desk.”

  Shocker. “Um, how’s Emmie today?”

  “Who?”

  I glanced around the room. No baby stuff. Maybe today Emmie was someone else’s baby. “Never mind.”

  “Almost done,” Jessica yelled from the bathroom, her voice an octave higher than usual. “Stop bothering her, Joey. She needs her medicine and her strength.”

  We both looked toward the bathroom door as it swung open. I wasn’t the only one who noticed how great Jessica looked.

  “Hey, Jessica. Having fun on vacation?” His eyes popped out of his head as he took in my attractive sister in her itty-bitty bathing suit. I had the sudden urge to beat the crap out of him. And her.

  She smiled and nodded. “I have to unhook Autumn, do you mind?” She pulled him off the bed by the arm and dragged him to the door.

  He opened the door and paused. “See you guys later.” The look he gave us made it clear he’d make sure of it.

  Jessica slammed the door and huffed. “He’s so annoying. He may as well be our real brother, not just our stepbrother. Did he upset you?”

  By the way he had drooled over her, yes, he did. “No. Just get this shit off me, okay? I’m so done.”

  “Give me your arm.” She didn’t wait for me to stretch it out toward her. She put gloves back on and yanked it off the bed and got busy pulling out the IV and taping up the needle hole.

  I stared out the window as she worked, tears threatening to reveal my true feelings. No one would ever want me like this. Not even Joey. He was probably just pitying me. After all the times I’d called him annoying, he’d been nothing but nice to me on this ship. Every day, every time he saw me. Even when he didn’t know me, he was still polite.

  When I compared him to Marcus, the contrast was amazing. Marcus only cared about looks and sex.

  Jessica cleaned up in silence, then grabbed her beach bag. “I’ll see you at the buffet when you’re ready. Take it slow, okay?”

  I nodded. She waved as she left and closed the door behind her.

  I reached up to take the hat off just as the door pushed open. I dropped my hand and looked toward the door, assuming it was Jessica. “Forget something?” I asked.

  “Yeah, Snuggle Piggy. I forgot to say I love you.” My dad walked in and smiled.

  If the nuttiness of the past few days hadn’t prepared me to expect the unexpected, I was sure I would’ve passed out cold. Instead, I sat on the bed with my jaw hanging open and my eyes fixed on him, unblinking and full of tears.

  “Daddy?”

  He looked just like I remembered, with dark brown, close-cut hair, stunning green eyes, and a masculine jaw. Dressed in Bermuda shorts and a red Hawaiian shirt, his style matched the other passengers on the ship. I thought he was taller, but then again, I’d been much smaller when he’d died.

  He sat next to me on the bed and smiled. “How’re you doing today, Piggy?”

  I’d forgotten that Dad called me Snuggle Piggy. He’d said I was bright pink and stuffed inside my blankets when I came home from the hospital, and I reminded him of a snuggled piglet. Mom never liked it, but I loved it. And hearing it now was like hearing the sound of birds in spring after being deaf all my life.


  For this, I would keep the cancer. I would give my life to have my dad back.

  He reached out to hug me, but hesitated as his eyes noticed the loose strands of hair on my pillow and a bruise on my arm. I lurched forward and pulled him to me with my bony arms, holding on so tight it hurt, but I didn’t care. Tears flowed down my cheeks in rivers. He held me gently, rocking me and rubbing my back.

  “Daddy, I can’t believe you’re here. How did this happen?”

  He chuckled in my ear. “Well, I did this amazing thing. It’s called making a reservation. And once I paid with a credit card, I got a confirmation number. Then, like magic, I got to take this cruise!”

  The door pushed open, and Jessica walked in. “Hey guys. Forgot my camera.” She plucked it off the table and slipped her wrist through the strap. She grabbed the door handle and paused, turning to stare at us.

  I almost thought she was going to pass out as she focused on Dad, but she narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t bother her for too long. She needs some rest.”

  “Yes, Mommy Dearest.” He shooed her away. “Go have some fun, honey. I’m chatting with Autumn, but I promise to let her get some rest soon. I have a flight home scheduled for later this afternoon.”

  Bother me for too long? I would stay in this bed and talk to Dad till the cruise police forced me out. At gunpoint. And even then I would put up a pretty damn good fight.

  I still hadn’t let go of him. “No, Dad, I don’t mean how did you make the reservation. I mean…never mind. You cannot imagine how happy I am to see you. If I had to trade my life for this moment, I would.”

  He unwrapped my arms from around him and gave me a stern look. “Autumn Rayne, don’t you ever say that. You hear me? My life is nothing without you in it.”

  His words made my tears flow faster. “I feel the same way, Daddy. I want to spend every single day I can with you.”

  “Don’t cry, Autumn. I’ve still got a few sick days I can probably use. Maybe I’ll call my doctor and see if he’ll write me a note for a few days off, if I tell him my back is hurting again. At least that car accident on your seventh birthday was good for something.”

  My blood screeched to a halt in my veins. He couldn’t mean the accident I caused, could he?

  I threw my arms around him again, tears streaming. “I’m sorry,” I sobbed into his shirt. “It was completely my fault.” A few more tears made their way to my chin. He wiped them off with the edge of my blanket. “I’ve felt so terrible about that all these years.”

  He pinched my cheek and frowned. “Why on earth would you think that was your fault?”

  “Because you were rushing home to get to my stupid birthday party since I wouldn’t start without you. If it wasn’t for my birthday, you wouldn’t have gotten in that accident. And you and Mom would still be together and happy with me and Jessica.”

  He hugged me so tight, I thought we were becoming one person. “Autumn, I’m sorry you thought that, but you’re wrong. A drunk driver hit me head on. It was never your fault and had nothing to do with your birthday. Who told you that?”

  “No one had to. I just knew it. If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be here.”

  He chuckled. “I am here, Piggy. What do you mean?”

  How could I tell him he was dead? I couldn’t, because I didn’t want him to be. “Never mind. I’m just so incredibly happy to see you.”

  He looked toward the door and said, “Maybe I’d better get Jessica. You don’t sound so good.” He started to get up off the bed, but I grabbed his arm and held him with all my strength.

  “No! Don’t go. I’m fine. Hang out with me, please. Stay here forever.”

  He relaxed and stayed on the bed. “Autumn, I’m just worried sick about you. I love you so much, honey. And maybe this cancer thing wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for me.” His eyes welled up with tears.

  My shock left me speechless. He felt guilty about me? He had it backwards. “What on earth could you possibly feel guilty about with my cancer, Dad? That kind of thing isn’t anyone’s fault!”

  A tear slid down his cheek. He wiped it away with the back of his hand. “Autumn, you told me you didn’t feel good, and I just thought it was the flu, and if I’d taken you to the doctor sooner…” He didn’t finish the thought.

  I shook my head with as much force as I could. “Don’t you dare feel bad, Dad. You let that go right now, you hear me?” Geez, I sounded like Jessica. “I know how it feels to carry around that guilt. All this time I thought your accident was because of me, and I’ve suffered for it.”

  He rested his cheek on my head. “No, honey. It was the drunk driver’s fault. Not yours. Never yours.”

  I gulped down a huge breath of scented air. Years of guilt and punishing myself melted away at that moment, making me feel lighter than I had in years. There were no words to describe how it felt to know I hadn’t caused his death. I closed my eyes, burning his words into my brain. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. As the words became more solid, I smiled.

  I opened my eyes, confused. “Are we still in Bermuda, or is this Heaven? Or did I go crazy?”

  He chuckled. “This is Heaven, Snuggle Piggy. Every father-daughter chat is heaven to me.”

  I leaned back against my pillow and stared at him. All I wanted to do was drink in everything about him. His face. His cologne. His gestures. If the Bermuda Triangle kept bringing people I loved back to the land of the living, I was jumping ship and staying here forever.

  Dad smiled and stood. “Well, I’d better let you rest, and go spend some time with Jessica before I have to go to the airport. She tends to get just a little jealous with all the time I spend with you. Okay?”

  “Why are you flying home? You can’t stay?”

  “No, honey. I had planned on taking the whole cruise, but something came up at work that I have to take care of, so I booked the flight this morning. But we’ll hang out again soon, okay?”

  I reached for him, but dropped my hand. Not knowing if I’d ever have another chance, I opened my mouth and let my heart spill out. “Daddy, before you go, I just want to tell you that I love you. I always have and I always will, until the day I die and even after that. And I’m sorry for anything I ever did to make you mad or upset with me. And I’ll remember this moment for the rest of my life as the most perfect moment ever.”

  He drew in a shaky breath and plopped onto the bed, wrapping his arms around me before his butt landed on the bedspread. We hugged and cried for what seemed like years.

  Which was fine with me. I was making up for lost time.

  He released me and stood again, then kissed my cheek. “I’ll see you later, okay? You get better. Promise me you will do whatever it takes to get better.”

  I nodded. “You got it, Daddy. I promise.”

  He smiled at me, brushed my cheek with his finger, then walked out of the cabin.

  I blinked twice, then the floodgates opened. I yelled and screamed, hit my pillow, yanked out some more hair, and screamed again.

  What if I didn’t get to speak to him ever again and this was my only chance? I cried and cried until it felt like there was no liquid left anywhere inside my body. No one should ever have to suffer the kind of pain I experienced the moment he shut the door on me. My heart hurt so bad, I thought it would leak out of my chest and forget to keep me alive. In fact, I’d hoped it would do just that. I threw my face into my pillow and waited for death to take me.

  I got out of bed hours later and was hit with a wave of vertigo. I had to sit and wait out the spinning in my head before I could put on my swimsuit. When I looked in the mirror, I almost hit the floor. My once-thick hair looked like an abandoned bird’s nest. My skin was the color of Nisha’s Gatorade. Ugly skin sagged off my bones in places I never knew had bones. I ripped off the bathing suit and pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. I looked like a poorly wrapped Christmas present.

  But I didn’t care. Because I got to hug my dad one more time. Tell him I loved h
im one more time. And talk to him, hear his voice…

  Nothing compared to that.

  I hoped the truth about his death was real, not just this craziness I’d been living through. If I truly wasn’t responsible…I’d have to ask Jessica about it. It would change my life.

  I grabbed my beach bag and threw some books into it. Whatever Jessica had put in me took my appetite away, but I still went to the buffet to grab a little something and search for her and the guys. I couldn’t believe how slow my steps were. I couldn’t believe how sick I felt.

  I couldn’t imagine living like this every day.

  I was down the hallway from the buffet when I heard Jessica’s voice. She and Joey chatted outside the restaurant’s entrance. I stumbled toward them, still reeling from my encounter with Dad. Jessica saw me first and gasped.

  “Autumn, your arm is bleeding where I put in your IV! We need to go back to the room!” Jessica demanded.

  I saw the blood and stumbled back. I put pressure on the spot that was bleeding, but the warm, thick liquid made me queasy. “Jessica, help me.” I slid down the wall and landed on the cold floor.

  Joey was quickly turning green, but Jessica ran over and helped me up.

  “Autumn, what are you doing, huh?” She led me back to the cabin and wrapped my arm with some white gauze from the medical supplies. “You’ve gotta think.” She refused to look at me as she worked. “You need to rest as much as you can, especially when you don’t feel well. You know that.”

  “Ow, Jessica, that’s tight.”

  “Sorry. I just don’t understand you.” She unwound the gauze and wrapped it looser. She finally looked at me. “What’s gotten into you? If you don’t take better care of yourself, the chemo isn’t going to work and you’re going to die sooner. Is that what you want?”

  I glared at her. “I’m not dead yet. Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. I want to live while I still have the chance.” Maybe she didn’t know me at all, but I was not about to lie down and roll belly-up to this disease. “Besides, you told me to come find you when I was ready, and I was ready.”