If It Isn't Love

by Dwayne S. Joseph

“I don’t find anything funny, Alex.”

  “Are you jealous, Mariah?”

  “Fuck you, Alex. This has nothing to do with jealousy. This is about me being Miguel’s mother and being respected. I don’t know what the hell you two are putting into my son’s head when he’s with you, but I want that shit stopped.”

  “How can we stop something we’re not doing, Mariah? We don’t put anything into his head. Miguel is seven years old. He thinks for himself. Whatever he says or does is of his own accord.”

  “I know how old he is, asshole. I’m not a goddamned child.”

  “Then stop acting like one.”

  “Vete para la mierda, Alex.”

  “I’m in hell right now.”

  “Maricon.”

  Alex exhaled. He’d had enough. “I’m getting off the phone now, Mariah.”

  “You better fix this problem, Alex. I am Miguel’s mother. I don’t want to be compared to that bitch in any way.”

  “Mariah, her name is Karen. Start using it. And as far as Miguel goes, did you ever stop to think that maybe he’s saying those things because you’re not doing something the right way?”

  “Are you calling me a bad mother?”

  Alex wanted to say yes, but held his tongue. He looked at the clock. He was losing valuable sleep time.

  “Is that the kind of shit you’re putting in my son’s head?” Mariah continued. “That I’m a bad mother? I swear, Alex, if that’s what you are doing, I will make our arrangement a legal one.”

  Alex clenched his jaw and squeezed his fingers around his temple. After Miguel’s birth, he had somehow managed to convince Mariah that they didn’t need to have a judge force him into being a responsible father. So instead of seeking child support, it was agreed between them that Mariah could have custody of Miguel, while Alex, who would have him on the weekends, gave Mariah twelve hundred dollars a month, five hundred of which was put into a savings account for Miguel that neither one of them could touch. The arrangement worked well for both of them.

  “Look Mariah, not one month has gone by without me giving money. Money that you get to enjoy. So let’s not go there.”

  Mariah banged on something in the background. “You know I could be getting a lot more money out of you, right? I swear you better set things straight before I do.”

  Just like a money-hungry bitch, Alex thought. “How many times are you going to threaten me with that shit, Mariah?”

  “Oh, so you want me to make it a promise?”

  Alex bit down on his bottom lip. He’d run out of patience. “You know what Mariah? You do whatever the fuck you feel you have to do to make you happy. But let me warn you, you better think long and hard before you do some stupid shit.”

  “Stupid?”

  “Yeah, stupid. Because your ass has it good right now. You have custody of Miguel and you get to spend more than half of the fucking money I give. But I promise you, if you take this to the courts, you’ll be sorry.”

  “What do you mean sorry?”

  “Mariah, you work in the mall. You’re not exactly pulling in the big bucks. The only reason you have Miguel is because I let you have him. But don’t think for a second that I can’t get full custody.”

  “Oh, so now you’re the one making threats.”

  “No threat, Mariah. I’m just stating the facts. I’m the one living in a home that I own. I’m the one who makes triple what you make. I have every copy of every check I’ve ever made out for Miguel since his birth, which shows I don’t need a court telling me to be responsible. If anyone has a right to have full custody, it’s me.”

  “Whatever Alex. I’m his fucking mother.”

  “And I’m his father. Trust me when I say that you getting full custody won’t be easy. The way you live your life with your here today, gone tomorrow boyfriends, you’re not exactly going to win any special praise for being mother-of-the-year.”

  “Fuck you, Alex. As a matter of fact, fuck you and that bitch. You’re not getting my son, and I will make your ass go broke with all the money you’ll end up paying me!”

  Mariah ended the call before Alex could say anything else. He never went back to sleep after that, and for the rest of the morning, he lay in bed and contemplated the thought of bringing Miguel to live with Karen and he full time.

  He’d meant it when he told Mariah that Miguel was with her because he allowed it. Whether he liked it or not, Mariah was the mother and the child’s rightful place was with her. At least that’s the way Alex was raised. Although he had both of his parents, he knew that if they had ever split up, Alex and his brothers would have lived with their mother full-time and seen their father on weekends. Thank God he never had to go through that. Miguel was holding up well, since splitting his time was all he knew. The thought of putting Miguel through the turmoil of a custody battle didn’t sit well with him, but Mariah was forcing his hand. The uglier she became, the more he wanted his son away from her.

  Alex slipped on his shoes and grabbed his keys. He would have to discuss the possibility with Karen. Although she loved Miguel, he wasn’t sure what she would say, because having Miguel live with them would require her to take on motherly duties that she may not be ready for. Putting Miguel in his place on the weekends was one thing, but could she deal with it on a day-today basis? They’d talked about the possibility of starting their own family someday. Would Karen be ready?

  9

  Would Alex be ready to start a family? That was the big question. Karen rubbed her stomach, which was still relatively flat, save for a slight bulge, and sat down in her private office.

  Pregnant.

  She looked at the picture of her and Alex, along with Miguel, sitting on her desk. It was still almost hard to believe that there was going to be another addition soon. She rubbed her belly again. Hopefully, Alex would be all right with the news. It wasn’t as though it wasn’t going to happen eventually, Karen surmised, because they had been talking about starting a family of their own. That was something Karen wanted. Being a stepmother was fine, but she wanted her own child. At least with her, Alex didn’t have to worry about the stress he got from Mariah.

  Karen leaned back in her chair and stared at a few pictures of her with random local guests from her show. Ray Lewis, Kwame Kilpatrick, Mayor Adrian Fenty. All great guests with great and real personalities. She was blessed.

  She looked at the picture with her and Alex and Miguel again and wondered what Mariah’s reaction was going to be. Not that she cared, but she still wondered. Would she have an ignorant and immature comment to make? Or, by some miracle, would she congratulate her? After all, besides Alex, the pregnancy would be the one thing they would have in common. Maybe they could finally be face-to-face without scowling and baring their claws, and have a pleasant conversation for once. Maybe Mariah could give her tips on how to deal with the weight gain or the vomiting, which Karen did like clockwork in the late afternoon.

  Karen laughed out loud and said, “Fat chance.”

  She and Mariah had about as much of a chance being civilized with each other as Sarah Palin and a moose. The tension whenever they were in each other’s presence was so thick at times, it could be cut with a dull butter-knife. And it’s not that Karen hadn’t tried with Mariah, because she really had. Even after their first encounter, Karen had made an attempt to get along with her. She’d say hi when she saw Mariah, and try to come up with something they could talk about, but nothing ever worked. Flat out, Mariah was an immature, jealous, inconsiderate, and indignant bitch. Too bad Alex had been a man and hadn’t looked past her looks. Had he thought with his big head instead of his little one, neither he nor Karen would have to deal with Mariah and her pettiness.

  Of course had the mistake never taken place, Miguel would have never been born, and Karen wouldn’t have wanted that. Miguel was everything she would want in her own child. Intelligent, witty, inquisitive, charming, eager, and cute. Miguel was the kind of child Karen adored. Thankfully, he was looking and
acting more and more like Alex each day. Sometimes it was hard to believe that as much of a devil as Mariah had been, she had been able to give birth to such an angel. That only added to the miracle of childbirth.

  Karen’s relationship with Miguel was a close one. In fact, at times, it could almost be comparable to a mother-son bond. Miguel may not have been her biological child, but she demanded respect nonetheless and she wasn’t afraid to put him in his place. She loved him and she would be damned if she would allow him to grow to become another statistic. She was glad Alex didn’t have a problem with her disciplining him. She liked the fact that her husband trusted her enough to deal with Miguel. It had been good practice for her. Having known him since he was three, Karen had gotten a lot of motherly experience and now she was ready for the real thing.

  Karen rubbed her stomach again and smiled. She’d been doing that steadily since finding out that she was going to be a mother. She was excited about the new phase of her life. In a few months, she would be able to relate to the women who had children, who talked about them and their daily adventures. Having a baby was the ultimate task. Men may have bigger muscles, but women had all of the bragging rights. Until men could carry a child inside of them for nine months and spit them out through their little hole in the tip of their penis, men couldn’t hold a candle to women. Karen was proud to know that she would soon be part of that special sisterhood. It was almost like being in a secret society. Until a woman gave birth, she was just like everyone else. Bearing a life into the world was like passing the ultimate test and achieving the special chair in the society.

  Karen couldn’t help but smile again. She was going to be a mommy. Alex ... a daddy. She thought again about whether or not Alex would mind the addition. With all of the stress Mariah had been giving him over Miguel, she wasn’t sure if he would agonize over the news or celebrate it. She was almost afraid to find out. But she would, when the timing was right. As she wondered when that time would be, her phone rang. Karen reached forward and answered it.

  “Karen speaking.”

  “Hey, girl,” Monica said on the other end.

  “Hey, sis. How you doing?”

  “I’m fine,” Monica said, her voice solemn. “Just sitting here, relaxing.”

  Karen could hear the stress in her sister’s voice.

  “What’s up girl? And don’t say that you’re fine, because I can tell you’re not.”

  Five seconds of silence passed before Monica said, “I’m fine, Karen, really. OK? Anyway, how’s the soon-tobe mommy feeling?”

  “Unh uh. Don’t even try that. I’m not buying that fine talk. Now tell your big sis what’s wrong. Are you sick?”

  “No, I’m not sick,” Monica said.

  “So what’s wrong? Is work stressing you out?”

  “Hardly. I just landed the biggest deal in the company’s history yesterday.”

  “So you got the Redskins account?”

  “I got it.”

  “Congrats! So what’s the problem? As much as you’ve been talking about that damn account, I’d expect you to be bouncing off the walls right about now.”

  There was another brief moment of silence. Then Monica exhaled. “I am happy, girl. Believe me that account is going to do wonders for my career. If ... no, when I help the Redskins’ popularity and ticket sales increase, I’m sure I’ll be looking at some lucrative offers. So much so that I may be able to actually leave the firm and do consulting on my own.”

  “I hear that, girl. So with everything pointing nowhere but up for you, why do you sound so down?”

  “I’m just going through some issues.”

  “Issues? What kind of issues?”

  “Relationship issues.”

  “Oh, I see. What’s going on with you and Bryce?”

  “Nothing that I can’t handle, sis.”

  “Come on, Monica. I know you called to vent. I can tell. So speak.”

  Monica exhaled. “Karen, last night Bryce came over to my place. It should have been an incredible night. I was feeling good and I wanted to celebrate. I mean, hell, with all of the work I’d been doing lately, sex is the one thing that I haven’t been getting enough of.”

  “I hear that, girl. So what happened?”

  “Karen, I don’t even know. Instead of getting our freak on, I ended up spending the night alone.”

  “Alone?”

  “Yes, alone. Fucking alone.”

  “Why? What went wrong?”

  “Girl, I wish I knew. The mood was so right. We had champagne, candles, bubble bath—Teddy crooning from the stereo.”

  “You had Teddy? Which one? ‘Come and Go with Me’ or ‘Turn Out the Lights’?”

  “‘Come and go with me.’”

  “That is my song, girl. That song’ll make you have babies. Anyway, what was the problem?”

  “I’m still trying to figure that out. I mean, one minute we’re in the tub and the next he gets up and leaves.”

  “What? Why?”

  “I have no clue. He tried to make up some excuse about having shit to do or think about for work, but I wasn’t even trying to buy that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Girl, when we were in the tub, I was stroking him, trying to get him worked up for some lovin’.”

  “And what happened?”

  “Karen ... Bryce didn’t even get hard.”

  “What do you mean he didn’t get hard?”

  “I mean his shit was softer than wet cotton.”

  “Damn.”

  “Exactly. Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t know any man that has ever let work get in the way of some ass.”

  “So what are you saying? That he was lying about work being on his mind?”

  “I don’t know. All I’m saying is that as long as I’ve been with Bryce, I’ve never known him to have a problem getting an erection.”

  “Maybe it’s medical. Maybe he needs some Viagra. He is thirty,” Karen joked.

  Monica laughed. “Please. The last thing my man needs is some damn Viagra. His tool works, and works very well.”

  “Not last night it didn’t,” Karen said bluntly.

  Monica sighed. “No ... it didn’t.”

  “So what do you think could be the reason for the lack of attention, all puns intended?”

  “Yeah, whatever. I’ve been thinking about it all day, but I just can’t come up with a reason.”

  Karen looked at a picture sitting on the corner of her desk, of her and her sister. It was taken at Virginia Beach on the boardwalk. They had gone there on an all girls getaway two summers ago. “Sis, let me say something, and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, okay?”

  “Sure.”

  “Listen, I know you love Bryce and I know that you trust him, but I’m gonna be honest with you. Since you’ve stated that a medical condition is not plausible, then I have to say that the only other time a man has a problem getting an erection, especially when he’s being stroked, is if there’s another woman in the picture. About the only other excuse would be if he’s not attracted to his partner, and I know Bryce is attracted to you. So ...” Karen didn’t say another word. She figured she had said enough.

  She liked Bryce and thought he’d been good for Monica, but he was still a man. And as her father had shown, it didn’t matter what a man may or may not have done for a woman, being a man was almost enough to get him implicated. So far she hadn’t had to deal with that with Alex, but don’t think her eyes were closed to the possibilities. She knew that he liked to look, which she was okay with, because she enjoyed the use of her eyes too. But looking was all Alex had better be doing.

  “I hear what you’re saying, but Bryce is not fooling around on me. He is nothing like the minister.”

  “I’m not saying he is, Monica. All I’m saying is that the possibility is there, and it may be something you may want to keep your eyes opened to.”

  Monica breathed out heavily. Karen could tell her sister was annoyed, but she
didn’t care.

  “Well thank you for your professional advice, but like I said, I’m not worried about Bryce, nor do I need to worry about him. He respects me, just as I respect him. But tell me, sister dear, do you follow your own advice, or do you believe in the sanctity of your marriage?”

  Karen rolled her eyes. “I believe in my marriage little sister, and I definitely practice what I preach. I’m no fool, nor will I ever allow myself to be played for one.” A tense moment of silence took place after Karen’s response.

  Karen was waiting for and fully expected another snap from Monica. But it never came. “Look,” she said softly. “I’m sorry for snapping. I’m just a little frustrated right now. I haven’t even spoken to Bryce since last night.”

  “Why not?”

  “I guess he’s waiting for me to call. But I’m not going to. Shit, he left. I didn’t.”

  “Good move.”

  “But anyway, I didn’t really call to bitch and complain. The reason I called was to ask if you’d spoken to Mama lately?”

  “She called you too?” Karen asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “She mention the dinner?”

  “Yeah.”

  “She invited Alex. Weird huh?”

  “Very,” Monica said. “I wonder if she called Jeff?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “How long has it been since you last spoke to him?”

  “It’s been a while.”

  “Same here,” Monica said. “I tried to reach him a couple of times, but he never called me back. And I’d been so busy nabbing that Redskins account, I never got a chance to try again.”

  “He’s probably too busy running around with some female anyway,” Karen said. “You know how he is.”

  “Yes I do. He’s just like the minister. So much so that it makes it hard for me to be close to him. I really hope for his and his future wife’s sake, that he changes.”

  “Don’t forget any future kids too,” Karen said.

  “Oh, especially for the kids’ sake. Anyway, enough about our baby brother, what do you make of Mama’s birthday decision?”

  Karen shrugged. “Well, it’s her birthday, so if she wants to cook, she has that right.”