If It Isn't Love

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  “Yeah, I guess. I just can’t shake the feeling that this is more than a dinner. There was something in her voice... .

  I can’t put my finger on it, but it was almost as if something was heavy on her mind.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean. When she called, she actually asked me how Alex was. I was shocked. But when she said she wanted him to come to the dinner, it did make me wonder.”

  “Mama has never been one of Alex’s biggest fans.”

  “No, she certainly hasn’t.”

  “I hope she’s okay. Maybe we should call her on the three-way and talk to her. Maybe together we can get her to open up to us.”

  Karen thought for a minute. “No, let’s not. I’m sure she’s all right. Besides, even if she wasn’t she wouldn’t say. You know how stubborn Mama can be when she’s ready.”

  Monica agreed. “True. I guess we’ll just have to wait for the dinner before we make any assumptions.”

  “It’s better that we do. To be honest, I’d kind of just like to enjoy the fact that she mentioned Alex in a positive light.”

  Monica chuckled. “I figured you had a better chance of winning the lottery before that would happen.”

  “I know what you mean, girl.”

  “Did you tell Alex about the invitation yet?”

  “No. I will when I speak to him though. He’s going to be shocked.”

  “I’m sure he will be,” Monica agreed.

  Karen’s Palm Pilot suddenly beeped. “Hey, girl, I have to get going. I have a meeting in a few.”

  “Okay, handle your business. The show is still great by the way. I tape it so I can watch it when I get home.”

  “That’s good to know. I really appreciate your support.”

  “Hey, I’m your sister. I’m obligated to watch it.”

  “Gee thanks.”

  “You know I’m kidding. Just don’t forget about me, when you go national and blow up like Oprah.”

  “Impossible, girl. Besides, I’ll need some extra help on my staff.”

  “Gee thanks,” Monica said with a laugh. “I love you, Karen.”

  “Love you too, sis,” Karen said with a smile.

  “Hey, did you tell Alex about the baby yet?”

  Karen’s smile broadened. “Not yet, but I will.”

  “OK. Let me know how that goes.”

  “You’ll be the first to know. Good luck with Bryce, and keep me posted. Maybe I can do a show about you two. Men who can’t get it up and then get out.”

  “That’s foul,” Monica said unable to contain her laughter.

  “Hey, if Jerry can do it—”

  “Good-bye, Karen,” Monica cut in.

  Karen laughed with her sister. “Talk to you later. And for real, don’t stress over it. I’m sure things will be okay.”

  “We’ll see. Bye.”

  “Bye.” Karen hung up the phone and grabbed her organizer and stood up. Before walking away from her desk, she took a look at the picture of her and Monica again. It was the only family picture she had in her office. “Don’t be blind, girl,” she whispered. Then she looked at the one of her and Alex again. She loved him with all her heart and couldn’t imagine what she’d do if he ever betrayed their trust, although she did have some Lorena Bobbitt in her.

  She shook her head. She didn’t want her thought to go there. She left for her meeting and filled her head with thoughts and images of Alex’s expression when she would tell him the news of the addition to their family.

  10

  It was Friday night and Karen was home. Alone. She wasn’t used to either one of those predicaments, because before Alex’s shift change and she became pregnant, she was either getting her Friday groove on, or she was home snuggling with Alex and getting their own private groove on. But this wasn’t before. Alex had to work nights for God knew how long, and with a baby in her oven, Karen couldn’t party like she used to.

  She flipped through the channels on the television aimlessly. She still hadn’t had a real chance to tell him yet. His working the third shift was really getting in the way. When she was home, he wasn’t, vice versa. She could have called and told him, or awakened him to tell him, but she wanted him standing in front of her and she wanted him alert. But she couldn’t and wouldn’t wait much longer. Her third month was coming.

  She was tired and fighting sleep, but she didn’t want to miss Alex’s goodnight call—something he did every night. Until she started experiencing it herself, she had no idea what her body would be going through. The constant vomiting, the complete exhaustion, the constant need to urinate, the hormonal upheaval—being pregnant was no picnic. And she was only in the first trimester. She still had the weight gain, the back pain, the possible constipation and please-no-diarrhea to look forward to. But she couldn’t wait. She also couldn’t wait to tell Alex the news. She wanted to do it before he left for work, but she had to stay late to deal with some issues for the show and hadn’t been able to leave early like she wanted to. By the time she finally made it home, Alex had gone.

  She thought of telling him when he called, but again, she wanted to see his reaction when she did.

  A baby.

  She couldn’t wait to see Alex in the morning. She decided she would tell him first thing so they could celebrate for a few hours before he went to pick up Miguel. She wondered what Miguel would say when he found out he was going to have a half-sibling. She thought of his smile, the carbon copy of Alex’s, and wondered whose smile her baby would have. Or whose eyes and whose nose. Karen smiled at the thought. Then her phone rang. She looked at the time. It was still early—nine o’clock. She checked the caller ID; it was Alex. He usually called around eleven to tuck her in. She picked up the phone anxious to hear his voice and doubtful that she would be able to keep the secret until the morning. “Hey baby,” she said in a singsong voice. “I didn’t expect to hear from you yet.”

  “Hey sexy,” Alex answered. “I know I usually call later, but we’re having a major crisis right now. Some genius over in project management decided to tell their vendor to go ahead and cancel some circuits earlier today. Of course they never needed to be cancelled in the first place, so now we have red alarms going off like crazy and AOL is pissed because thousands of customers have lost their access to the Net.”

  Karen could hear the frustration in his voice. The news would definitely wait for the morning. “That sounds terrible, baby. I mean, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but it sounds bad.”

  “Bad is not the word. Anyway, I didn’t think I’d get the chance to call later so I wanted to call and tuck you in now, even though you’re not going to bed yet.”

  “Actually, I’m in bed right now.”

  “Already?”

  “Yeah, I’m beat. I can barely keep my eyes open. I have the TV on trying to stay awake because I didn’t want to miss your call.”

  “You know, you’ve been sleeping a lot lately. Heavier too. Maybe you should take a couple of days off. I know the show is your life and you’re trying to go to the next level, but some days off might be good for you.”

  Karen smiled. “I’ll be taking some time off soon enough.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Nothing baby. Just that I’ll follow your advice soon.”

  “OK. Well listen, I have to get going. I love you. I miss you. And I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Okay, baby. I miss and love you too. Good luck with the crisis.”

  “Thanks. Good night and have sweet dreams.”

  Karen hung up the phone. She missed her man being next to her at night. Steamy dreams weren’t nearly good enough. She couldn’t wait until he went back to his regular hours. The third shift was putting a damper on their sex life, which wasn’t what she wanted, because from what her friends who’d gone through the joys and pains of pregnancy said, sex would be the last thing she would want.

  She turned off the television and finally allowed her eyes to close. The fatigue was one of t
he worst things about being pregnant, because no matter how much sleep she got, she constantly felt as though she’d run the New York Marathon. Within seconds she started to drift off, and then the phone rang again. She didn’t want to answer it at first, but she figured Alex had forgotten something. She answered without checking the ID. “Couldn’t get enough of my voice, huh sexy?”

  “Oh please,” Mariah said on the other end.

  Karen’s eyes snapped open immediately. “Mariah?”

  “It sure as hell isn’t who you thought it was,” Mariah snapped.

  Karen rolled her eyes and breathed out hard. “What do you want, Mariah?”

  “Where’s Alex?”

  “He’s at work. You should know that.”

  “Well ... I need to speak to him.”

  “Like I said, he’s at work. What did you need?”

  “I said I need to speak with him. Not you.”

  “Look Mariah, I’m not in the mood. If you want to talk to Alex so bad, then call him there. You have the number. But let me just tell you that he’s busy, so he may not have much time for you.”

  “Whatever.”

  Karen exhaled. She was tired of putting up with Mariah’s shit. “Mariah, your nasty attitude is tired already. Why don’t you grow the hell up?”

  “Why don’t you disappear ... permanently?”

  Karen squeezed her eyes closed as her temperature rose. She breathed out slowly in an attempt to calm down. The last thing she needed was to get into an argument. “Mariah, I’m not going to stoop down to your level, okay? So just go and call Alex, and let’s end this before it gets out of hand.” She was about to hang up the phone, but before she could, Mariah spoke out.

  “Tell him he can’t pick up Miguel this weekend because I’m going out of town and I’m taking him with me.”

  “Mariah, you know you can’t do that. Alex gets Miguel every weekend. You can’t just change things at the last minute. Besides, he’s already made plans to take Miguel somewhere tomorrow.”

  “Look pendeja, Miguel is my son and not yours, and I can damn well take him when I want, where I want. I answer to nobody. Especially not you.”

  “Mariah, why don’t you act like a mother then?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me. Why don’t you start paying attention to your son instead of being a vindictive, jealous, ignorant bitch with me?”

  “Jealous? Of your ass? Please. And don’t you even try to say I don’t take care of my child.”

  “Come off of it, Mariah. Everyone knows that Omar and Ellen take more care of your son than you do.”

  “Who the hell are you to talk about being a mother? Get a child first, and then come at me with that shit.”

  “You know what Mariah, I’ll know all about being a mother soon, because I’m pregnant.”

  “Pregnant?”

  “Did I stutter?”

  “Fuck you, puta!”

  “No, fuck you, Mariah. Maybe after my baby is born, you can come by and I can give you lessons on motherhood.”

  “I’ll show you what a fucking lesson is, bitch.”

  “Whatever, Mariah. I’m not scared of your despicable ass.”

  “I don’t care if you’re pregnant, bitch. I will kick your ass.”

  “Mariah, if you come anywhere near me, pregnant or not, I will beat your ass twice. Once for me, and another time for my child.”

  “Fuck you, negra!”

  “Is cursing and acting ignorant all you can do, Mariah?”

  Mariah rambled off in Spanish for a few seconds before saying, “Dumb-ass bitch!” and then the line went dead.

  Karen put the phone down and inhaled deeply. She hadn’t meant to tell Mariah about the pregnancy, but she couldn’t avoid it. Mariah had worked her first, second, and last nerve. “Bitch,” she whispered. She picked up the phone and dialed Alex’s number. When he answered, she didn’t hesitate to hold her tongue.

  “You better get Mariah’s ass in check, Alex.”

  Alex groaned. “What did she do now?”

  Karen sucked her teeth. “Tell that bitch she better quit with her petty threats, because I am not the one.”

  “Calm down, baby. Just tell me what happened.”

  “She called here a few minutes ago looking for you. I swear, Alex, tell her to stay away from me.”

  “Karen, will you please calm down. I’ll handle her. I promise. Now did she say what she wanted?”

  “Yes she did, and you’re not going to like it one bit.”

  “What else is new?” Alex asked. “What did she say?”

  “She said you can’t take Miguel this weekend because she’s going away.”

  “So? She’s gone away before.”

  “Well, she said she’s taking Miguel with her.”

  “No the hell she’s not. I get Miguel on the weekends. She can’t go changing plans at the last second.”

  “I told her that. But you know how she is.”

  “Goddammit!” Alex said slamming his hand down on the desk. “Baby, I have to take care of some things here. I’ll call Mariah and deal with her.”

  “Please do. I’m not trying to get arrested for kicking her behind.”

  “Don’t worry, baby. I’ll talk to her. I have to go. Sleep tight.”

  “Oh, I’m tight all right,” Karen, said. She hung up the phone. She was too angry to fall back asleep. Ignorant bitch, she thought. As Karen channel surfed over the next hour, she wondered if tomorrow would be a good time to tell Alex about the baby. She knew that once he finished dealing with Mariah, he wouldn’t be in the best of moods. Karen pressed angrily on the remote, pretending that each button was Mariah’s head.

  11

  Alex walked in his home and slammed the door harder than he’d meant to. He’d been slamming a lot of things. He dropped his keys on the side table in the hallway, and walked into the living room. He was too angry to go to bed and he didn’t want to wake Karen. He picked up a picture of Miguel and stared at it. Mariah’s last minute decision to take Miguel with her on a weekend getaway had Alex ticked. His mind flashed back to the conversation he’d had with her after speaking with Karen.

  “What do you mean I can’t pick up Miguel tomorrow?” He hadn’t even waited for her to say hello.

  “Sergio is taking me to Busch Gardens tomorrow and I’m taking Miguel. It was a last minute decision.”

  “Mariah, since when do you take Miguel anywhere? And who the fuck is Sergio?”

  “Sergio is a friend. And I do take Miguel places.”

  Alex sat down at his desk and squeezed the hell out of his stress ball. “A friend? I’ve never heard you mention him before.”

  “Eres mi padre?” Mariah asked.

  “It’s not about me being your father, Mariah. First of all, you know I get Miguel on the weekends. I don’t care what last minute decision you make. We have an arrangement. You just can’t go changing shit. But more importantly, I don’t care what you do or who you do it with; I don’t want my son going anywhere with some stranger.”

  “Miguel is my son too, Alex. And don’t you even try to go there with me, because you certainly didn’t tell me shit about Karen.”

  Alex thought to himself for a moment. He’d been with Karen for five months before he brought Miguel around her. He didn’t know what type of person Sergio was, but he knew what Karen was about and what her motives were. He trusted her to be around his son, and the fact that he loved her didn’t hurt either. Alex was sure Mariah didn’t know shit about Sergio, and she sure as hell didn’t know anything about love.

  “How long have you known this guy Mariah? Because if I remember correctly, last month you were talking to Javier.”

  “What does it matter, Alex? I trust Sergio enough to put my life in his hands.”

  “Mariah, I don’t really give a fuck who you trust your life with. I care about Miguel. I don’t want him around some guy you’ve only known for a month, if that.”

  “Well too fucking b
ad, Alex. Miguel is my son and he lives with me. He comes with me.”

  “He’s my son too, dammit. I have a right to take him.”

  “You want to pay more money for those rights, Alex?”

  “You’re a fucking bitch, Mariah.”

  “And you’re an asshole. And you better get your wife in check before I—”

  “Before you what?” Alex yelled cutting her off. “You better not go anywhere near her, Mariah.”

  “Or what Alex? What the fuck, are you going to do? Hit me? Please do. I would love to tell the judge about your woman-beating ways.”

  “Mariah, don’t test me.”

  “Whatever, Alex. You can see Miguel next weekend.”

  When Mariah hung up the phone, Alex slammed the receiver down and in a fury, swept papers, pens, and whatever else lay scattered on his desk, to the floor. He pounded his fist on his desktop so hard that some of his coworkers rushed into his office thinking something had been wrong. After apologizing, Alex took a long break and called and woke up his parents for advice. That conversation lasted fifteen minutes with his father saying simply: “Miguel es tu hijo.”

  Alex hung up the phone, knowing that he would have to tell Karen he wanted custody of Miguel. That’s what he was thinking about when Karen appeared in the living room behind him. He’d heard her slippers shuffling on the hardwood floor before she said, “Hey, baby.”

  He turned and stared at his wife. Her eyes were puffy from sleeping and her hair disheveled, yet all he could think was that no woman had been more beautiful. She walked up to him and kissed him softly on the lips.

  “Did I wake you?” Alex asked.

  “Yup.”

  Alex frowned. “Didn’t mean to be so loud. Sorry.”

  “Believe me, baby, I understand.”

  “I’m glad you do, because there’s something I want to talk about.”

  “Okay, baby. I have something to talk about too.”

  Alex looked at her curiously. “Ladies first.”

  “No, you go ahead.” Karen moved from him and sat down on their beige leather sofa. Alex looked at the picture of Miguel again and then looked at one with him, Karen and Miguel.

  “I’m going to fight for full custody of Miguel. I can’t take this shit with Mariah anymore. I’d rather take my chance in court than be at her mercy all because I don’t want to pay an arm and a leg in child support, which I really may not have to do because I am in a better position than she is. Now I know we’re married, which means we have a partnership, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this, and last night just really helped to make up my mind.”