Get Your Loved One Sober

by Robert J. Meyers; Brenda L. Wolfe

  How Much Is Too Much?

  Even without the detailed exercise you just completed, we are sure you have argued with your loved one about how much she drinks. You have claimed it is too much, and your drinker, very likely, has argued it is not much at all. Sure as you may be most of the time that he does overdrink, there probably also have been times when you wondered who's crazy. After all, you do know other people who drink as much as your loved one. Also, there are probably times she drinks less and you wonder whether you are making too big a deal out of it. What is normal drinking anyway?

  There are many definitions of normal drinking and of problem drinking. In fact, gather a group of substance-abuse experts in a room and you'll be entertained by the circus! We'd rather not worry about how many ounces of which alcohol is “officially” too much. The definition that we find the most useful with real people is: If an individual's alcohol intake is causing problems, that person is drinking too much.

  We also tend not to bother labeling anyone as an alcoholic. Aside from the inability of experts to agree on exactly who merits this title, “alcoholic” is a stigmatized label that has driven many a drinker from treatment. If your drinker is willing to make the effort to quit, is it also necessary to label your loved one?

  Take a Deep Breath

  Highlighting the extent of the problem as you just did can be pretty upsetting. This may have been the first time you really identified the full impact of alcohol on your life—and it may be worse than you had realized. So stop, take a deep breath, and remember that documenting the problem has not changed anything. Your loved one drinks no more or less than before. You are now simply aware of it and ready to take it on. With a complete drinking map, you can start figuring out how to add smooth, healthy roads to the terrain.

  Redesign the Map

  Redesigning the drinking map means rearranging the way you interact with your drinker to eliminate or minimize the triggers that lead to drinking. Instead of watching your drinker go from one drinking episode to the next, you will build new roads that go from old drinking triggers to new nondrinking activities. To illustrate what we mean, let us tell you about Ed and Lydia.

  Ed and Lydia

  Ed had been trying for years to get Lydia to cut back on her drinking, but nothing worked. Nagging, pleading, threatening, cajoling—everything fell on deaf ears. Lydia wasn't a “falling-down drunk” as she put it and wasn't about to give up something that made her feel so good so fast when she got stressed. Ed, on the other hand, saw Lydia's drinking as a major problem since it resulted in her missing work, forgetting to pick up their kids from day care, and once driving home with the kids when she was drunk. Ed finally tried a different approach. He disengaged from the battle and, instead, mapped her drinking behavior and his responses to it (just as you have done). He then outlined new behaviors for himself that would, in turn, elicit different behaviors from Lydia. For instance, when Lydia would come home from work complaining about the unfair treatment she received from her boss (a known drinking trigger), Ed would rub her shoulders and tell her how much he and the kids appreciated her even if her boss was a jerk. Then he'd tell her to enjoy a hot bath while he prepared dinner and make it clear to her that he really enjoys being with her when she is sober. Knowing that baths were one of her favorite stress-busters (next to liquor), Ed was able to sidetrack Lydia from the wine bottle long enough to defuse her mood, get dinner on the table, and shift her attention to more pleasant topics. The more often Ed was able to do this, the more positive experiences he and Lydia shared after work, and the more likely Lydia was to leave work anticipating feeling good when she got home. This positive anticipation, in turn, helped to defuse much of her work stress and made it easier for her to not drink.

  You can re-map your drinker's behavior, like Ed did, using the information you have gathered in this chapter. To do that, examine your loved one's drinking triggers and target the two or three most common ones to begin with. For each one, describe everything you know about it: all the details of the trigger itself (who, what, where, when, why, how) and every consequence including how you and others react to what goes on. Also, describe what the drinking pattern looks like—does it begin with “only one” drink and slowly continue until the drinker is plastered, or does your loved one drink with fury, hard and fast?

  The easiest way to re-map your drinker's behavior is by drawing it out on a piece of paper as Ed has done with Lydia in the following example. Use arrows to show how one event leads to the next.

  Lydia comes home complaining. Ed points out he had a rough day too, and the kids clamor for attention. Lydia pours herself a drink while beginning to organize dinner. Ed asks her if she's going to get drunk again. Lydia tells him to lay off and knocks back the first drink while she continues fixing dinner. Ed tells her what a poor example she is for the kids. Lydia pours another. Ed storms out of the kitchen. The children start crying. Lydia, having put something on the stove to heat, pours another and heads to the bedroom to change out of her work clothes. Ed follows her in and apologizes. She accepts but is now a little tipsy. Lydia heads back to the kitchen and refills her glass two or three more times. By the time dinner is ready and the family is gathered around the table, Lydia is drunk, Ed is furious, and the evening is a disaster.

  Once Ed mapped out the sequence that follows Lydia's lousy-interaction-with-her-boss trigger, he could figure out how to interrupt it. In this case, he knew that the trigger was more than just a lousy day at work. The real trigger was the stress Lydia was feeling. So he decided to interrupt the sequence by introducing some stress reduction right at the beginning. When Lydia came home upset, instead of pointing out that everyone has rough days at work (so stop feeling sorry for yourself), he focused on helping her relax. It's true that he had to take on some extra work in terms of fixing dinner himself and keeping the kids from jumping her for attention, but he had a good payoff. Lydia stayed sober, and they were able to enjoy the evening together.

  Before we look at Ed's revised map, it is important to stress that we are not suggesting you permanently take on all the work of the relationship. Indeed, the long-term goals here are that you have less work to do in keeping the family running and that your loved one becomes an involved, responsible family member. Between then and now, however, you will need to put out extra effort. Besides, our guess is that you are already doing most of the work anyhow. This is a continuation of that state of affairs but with a better long-term outcome.

  Now, here's what Ed's revised map looked like. The old paths are in (italics and parentheses) and the new behaviors are shown in boldface.

  Lydia comes home complaining. (Ed points out he had a rough day too, and the kids clamor for attention.) Rub her shoulders and tell her how much the kids and I appreciate her. Tell her to take a bath while I fix dinner. Also tell her that the bath will help her relax without a drink so our evening can be more enjoyable. (Lydia pours herself a drink while beginning to organize dinner.) Lydia takes a bath while I fix dinner. (Ed asks her if she's going to get drunk again. Lydia tells him to lay off and knocks back the first drink while she continues fixing dinner. Ed tells her what a poor example she is for the kids. Lydia pours another. Ed storms out of the kitchen. The children start crying. Lydia, having put something on the stove to heat, pours another and heads to the bedroom to change out of her work clothes. Ed follows her in and apologizes. She accepts but is now a little tipsy. Lydia heads back to the kitchen and refills her glass two or three more times. By the time dinner is ready and the family is gathered round the table, Lydia is drunk, Ed is furious, and the evening is a disaster.) Lydia comes downstairs relaxed, and we enjoy dinner.

  Examine your drinker's map for the most troublesome or common trigger and ask yourself if it might be covering the real trigger, as it was in Lydia's case. Don't get too deep with this, though. Often, things really are what they seem. If carpooling from work with his drinking buddies on paydays is a trigger for your drinker, chances are that really is th
e trigger, and you need to focus on finding some other way to get your loved one home from work. You might try offering to pick him up yourself and take him out to dinner (at a restaurant without a liquor license). That way you not only help him avoid a strong drinking trigger but replace the drinking behavior with a healthy, enjoyable alternative.

  Revise the map of the triggers you have selected, being careful to draw the complete current map and then to add detours at every point where you can change something. Keep in mind, as well, that if your first detour doesn't work, it helps to have a second detour planned for subsequent points in the sequence. In Ed's case, if the shoulder rub and bath had not worked, he might have planned an understanding reply (see chapter 9) to Lydia's complaints and had a backup plan of suggesting they all go out to dinner, having carefully selected a restaurant that had a children's menu and no liquor license. This way, Lydia would be pulled quickly into an activity that was relaxing and alcohol free.

  While chatting over dinner, it would also be helpful if Ed could help Lydia change her focus. Rather than dwelling on what a jerk her boss is or putting herself down for deserving his nasty comments, Ed could help her focus on something positive going on with the children or on a vacation they are planning. The idea here is simply to defuse the situation by changing from a negative topic to a positive topic.

  As you plan, make sure you don't keep driving in the same old rut. If the methods you've been using in the past have not worked, chances are they won't work now. Look for new non-confrontational ways to achieve your goals (see chapter 9). Remember, too, the goal is not to prove your drinker wrong and you right (satisfying as that may be). Your goal is to deal with this drinking problem and build a better life. Don't fight your drinker. Fight the problem.

  Changing the pattern from the point after the first drink requires extra caution. As always, the most important objective is to remain safe. If your loved one has any tendency to turn violent, make sure to work through chapter 3 before you make any changes. Don't be a martyr. If your loved one shows signs of turning mean, drop the subject, back off, and, if necessary, leave the premises. Remember that alcohol changes the way the brain works, so anything you do after the drinking starts should focus on your behavior and getting you out of an undesirable situation. Do not waste your time arguing, negotiating, or discussing with an alcohol-infected brain.

  You know the signs of early intoxication as well as those of flat-out plastered. Plastered is better left alone as there is little available brain function for you to appeal to. Just having started drinking, however, may be somewhat more manageable. For example, if you get home from work to find your loved one got there ahead of you and is already showing her typical “I've had a few” squint, you have a choice. You can follow the traditional map of asking her if she's been drinking (obvious) and letting her know how disappointed, angry, and hurt you are. From there, the two of you can have your traditional fight, she'll drink her traditional fill, and the day will end in its traditional mess. On the other hand, you can have a new map ready to follow and improve the chances that the evening will turn out well. Consider the following scene.

  Mom: Hi, Honey. How did your day go?

  Eric: It sucked. I had a horrible day. I'm just glad it's over.

  Mom: I'm sorry you had a rough day. Would you like to go out for dinner?

  Eric: No. I just want to relax and wind down. I need another drink.

  Mom: Why don't I put on a pot of coffee and make an omelet [his favorite meal]. Anything special you want in it?

  Eric: Yes, I want some ham and green peppers. I'm starving.

  In this case, things worked out well for Mom and Eric. She acknowledged his mood and offered him a nondrinking way to improve it. She didn't get involved in an argument over whether he should be drinking, so she did not become part of the problem. Mom offered a solution. However, things don't always work out that well. Let's look at how it might have gone poorly, but not horribly, for Mom and Eric.

  Mom: Hi. How did your day go?

  Eric: It was a long, insufferable day, and I'm glad it's finally over.

  Mom: I'm sorry it was so rough. Would like to go out and get a bite to eat?

  Eric: No, thanks. I just want to be left alone and have a drink.

  Mom: I could make us some supper, anything you like. Just say the word.

  Eric: I said the word. Leave me alone. I want to drink in peace.

  Mom: I can see that you don't want me around, and I'd rather not watch you drink. I'm going to take a bath and go to sleep early. I hope you feel better. I'll see you in the morning.

  Notice how in this version, Mom gives Eric his space. She began by trying to be sympathetic and offer him a non-drinking solution, but he was determined to follow a drinking path. So, rather than getting into it with him and becoming part of the problem, Mom wisely opted to remove herself from the situation and do something nice for herself by taking a bath and getting a good night's sleep. If she had stayed in the situation, the tension would have escalated and not only would nothing have been solved that night, but both of them would have been too angry to talk in the morning. This way, Eric got his way, Mom had a better night than if she had stayed, and they could attempt a reasonable conversation the next day.

  Don't overwhelm yourself with re-mapping all of your drinker's behavior patterns. You've lived with the problem this long; there is no need to solve it all in a day. In fact, trying to do so will only burn you out. This is a new way of living, so take your time and ease into it. Change is a journey, not an event. It doesn't happen overnight. It happens over time.

  Selecting the road maps you want to begin with can be tough. There are so many areas of your life that hurt. However, our recommendation is to start with a fairly specific typical interaction that upsets you. For example, you and your loved one may have a nightly argument over whether to drink in front of the kids or how late he sits up surfing the Internet and drinking. Pick something that is fairly contained—not an ongoing situation such as continually being mean to one another. Also be sure to select an interaction that is at least partially within your control. The arguments your loved one gets into with other people are not fixable by you. The arguments the two of you get into are.

  Now that you have identified your loved one's drinking triggers, signs, and consequences at baseline, you are ready to start drawing your map. Activities 5 and 6 show you how Holly took all the information she had about Dan's drinking and created two versions of her road map: one version describes where she and Dan typically end up and another describes where she wants to go.

  The chapters that follow will give you many techniques to use in your new behavior maps. For now, plan the changes you can and then read on to see what new approaches can help you design more powerful road maps.

  Activity 5. The Old Map

  Dan arrives home clearly having had a few drinks. Holly points out that he is two hours late for supper and begins banging pots and pans as she serves his meal. Dan tells her to knock it off. He's had a hard day. Holly feels her temper flare as she snaps, “I work too, you know. My day was no picnic, and you should have called.” Dan yells, “I told you to back off. I'm out of here.” He leaves to go back to the bar. Holly spends the rest of the evening washing dishes and crying.

  Activity 6. The New Map

  The old path is in (italics and parentheses) and the new behaviors are shown in boldface.

  Dan arrives home clearly having had a few drinks. (Holly points out that he is two hours late for supper and begins banging pots and pans as she serves his meal.) Holly says, “I'm glad you're home. I was a little concerned. Do you want to eat?” (Dan tells her to knock it off. He's had a hard day.) “No,” he says, “I just want to watch the ballgame.” (Holly feels her temper flare as she snaps, “I work too, you know. My day was no picnic, and you should have called.”) Holly starts putting dinner away and tells Dan he can get some later if he's hungry. “Now,” she says, “I'm going into the bedroom to read
.” (Dan yells, “I told you to back off. I'm out of here.” He leaves to go back to the bar.) “Don't you want to watch the ballgame with me?” he asks. “No,” she replies, “I'm not comfortable around you when you have been drinking.” (Holly spends the rest of the evening washing dishes and crying.) Dan watches the game by himself, and Holly curls up with a novel in the bedroom.

  Remember that achieving your ultimate goal may mean sacrificing a little for now. Holly didn't really want to go into the bedroom. What she really wanted was for Dan to come home sober. And, given that he didn't, she wanted to scream at him and make him feel as bad as she felt. However, she knew that wasn't going to move them any closer to the day she could depend on him to come home sober. Curling up by herself with a novel wasn't exactly what she wanted, but it was considerably better than crying into the dishwater. The other critical piece of this “re-map” is that Holly made it very clear to Dan that she only enjoys being with him when he is sober. This is an important point. Without accusing and arguing, you must still strive for honesty with your loved one. The fact that her drinking makes you unhappy is not something that needs to be hidden. It merely needs to be expressed in a direct nonconfrontational manner of speaking and, above all, in your behavior. So Holly told Dan how she felt and showed him by leaving the room. This is part of the process of moving your loved one along toward readiness for change. If Dan, in this case, were to have been curious about, or even annoyed by, Holly's behavior and followed her into the bedroom asking what was going on, this would have presented a good opportunity for her to talk to him about her hopes and dreams for their relationship.