Get Your Loved One Sober

by Robert J. Meyers; Brenda L. Wolfe

  Action Summary

  This chapter presents the central component of the Alternatives program. By identifying the triggers and consequences of your loved one's drinking and by learning to map his behavior, you have moved into the position of looking at the big picture. You no longer have to feel victimized by events that always seem to be out of control. You can figure out what triggers and maintains these events, change your reaction, and thereby change the outcome. Spend some time mapping out the most troublesome drinking patterns and problem-solving them step by step. If you can ask a friend, family member, or therapist to help you brainstorm solutions, all the better. Sometimes another person's ideas can be enlightening, and other times they can just make you feel all that much smarter.

  Recap

  Identify the triggers and consequences of your loved one's drinking to design a road map to sobriety.

  Triggers = reasons for drinking (events, thoughts, and feelings, for example).

  Drinking signs = signs that your loved one has already had a drink (or two).

  Consequences = results of the drinking (both bad and good).

  Road map = the tool you use to figure out how the triggers and consequences are working together and how you can change them.

  Kathy and Jim: Mapping New Patterns

  One of the things that Kathy most worried about was Jim's tendency to stop for a drink with his friends on the way home from work. She spent years fighting with him over this, and in the process, they called each other some pretty ugly names. It got to the point where the topic became so touchy that Kathy didn't feel she could bring it up without risking a violent fight.

  Kathy mapped out the events that typically led Jim to stop for a drink and arrive home late and useless. She realized that this usually happened on days that Jim called to say that he was giving Charles, his buddy, a ride home because his car was in the shop (again). When the two of them got into the car together, it seemed the vehicle went on autopilot and headed straight for the bar. Once there, according to Jim, he bought Charles a drink and then Charles returned the favor. After two drinks they would usually decide they had time for a quick game of pool, order a few more drinks, and then basically forget they had anywhere to go. By the time Jim remembered his family, both men were high, Jim was late, Kathy was mad, and the evening was ruined.

  Kathy drew a map of this situation, marking each event between Charles's car breaking down and she and Jim getting into it when he got home. Just seeing it all laid out nice and neat like that made Kathy feel a little less helpless. Then she sat down and wrote out clear problem statements for each point on the map (see chapter 8). She had a statement for Charles's car, Jim's offer to drive, the decision to go drink, and so on. As to Charles's car, she realized there wasn't anything she could do about that. She and Jim were hardly in a position to loan Charles money for a new car nor did they have a spare to give away. (How she wished!) So she moved on to Jim's calling her to say he was driving Charles home. Kathy brainstormed a pretty long list of solutions to this one. They ranged from threatening to leave if Jim didn't tell Charles to ask someone else for a lift to offering to come take Charles home herself. The solution she finally settled on was telling Jim that she was fixing his favorite dinner and inviting Charles to join them. This turned the “Charles situation” from a negative one into something potentially positive. Then she told Jim that dinner would be ready precisely at 5:30 (the time they would get home without stopping for a drink) and to please be on time.

  The first time Kathy tried this strategy, Jim and Charles did not show up until 6:30. By that time, dinner was cold and Kathy had packed herself and the kids off to a friend's house for the night. She left a note on the table saying she waited until 6:00. The next time Jim called to say he was giving Charles a lift, Kathy used the same strategy but reminded Jim that she would not wait for him if he stopped for a drink. He promised to come straight home and did. When he arrived, Kathy was careful to make him feel good about coming home and not to do any I-told-you-so finger wagging about the last time he messed up. She just made sure they all had a pleasant dinner and told Jim how much she enjoyed his company. (It is important to note that Kathy picked this particular strategy because she knew how much Jim valued family dinners. If family dinners were not important to him, this plan would not have worked.)

  Even though Kathy felt it unfair that she had to be the one trying to make everything nice, she reminded herself that this was a small price to pay for mapping out a better life for her family. Her ultimate goal was well worth today's effort.

  chapter 3

  Play It Safe

  Beth and Dad

  Beth knew her father had a temper. When she was younger, though, she could usually calm him down with a hug or an apology. Once they lost Beth's mother, however, things got worse. As his drinking increased, so did his temper. Beth's hugs and pleas no longer calmed him at all. The situation dropped to an all-time low when her father pounded his fist on the table and threatened her as they argued one evening. After that, a couple of times, he even pushed her against the wall as he stomped out of the room. For the first time in her life, Beth was truly afraid of her father. She knew that before she could do anything else in the way of “fixing” their relationship, she had to deal with the fact that he was a threat to her.

  It is common for alcohol and violence to go hand-in-hand. Along with the ability to turn a wallflower into a party animal and the life of the party into a lump, alcohol can also turn an even-tempered person into a raging fist—or worse. The most important step in your effort to improve your life is to ensure that you and other household members are safe.

  Whether or not your drinker has ever been violent (physically or verbally), it is wise for you to take time to read this chapter and prepare for the worst. If violence has not been an issue for you in the past, we sincerely hope it remains a non-issue. If the “worst” never comes to pass, you will have paid a small price for the privilege of saying you never needed to use your “worst-case plan.” On the other hand, if things do become violent, you will know what to do to protect yourself and those for whom you are responsible. It is also worth noting that the techniques for recognizing the red flags for violence are equally useful for recognizing red flags indicating rising anger, boredom, urges to drink, and so on.

  We'll start by talking about what violence really means and follow with step-by-step instructions for developing an escape plan, recognizing and responding to the warning signals, and devising a strategy for responding to violence if it does erupt.

  Because it is impossible to cover all dangerous situations, you will need to think very carefully about your experiences. If the situations we mention don't exactly describe yours but feel vaguely familiar, stop and explore them. They may bring to mind an experience that fits the concept we are discussing but not necessarily the words.

  If violence has occurred in your household and you are afraid, move cautiously. This is not a race. Carefully evaluate any changes you consider for their risk of triggering violence. Discuss them with a therapist if you have access to one. Make your plans carefully and time them for safety.

  What Is Violence?

  Before you decide this is a dumb question, take this quiz. Decide whether each of the following situations is violent or nonviolent.

  Your loved one shows up smelling of liquor for your company's quarterly party. When you question her about it, she shoves you out of the way and heads for the buffet.

  You ask your husband why he's late for dinner. He begins bellowing at you about what a pushy witch you are and how he ought to shut you up for good. He continues yelling and calling you names until you leave the house.

  You and your spouse are in the middle of a heated argument when your young daughter comes into the room complaining about her brother. Your spouse yells at your daughter that she's been told a hundred times not to interrupt and now she'll really have something to complain about. Your spouse smacks the child on her bottom
hard enough for you to hear it.

  While balancing the checkbook, you ask your partner about all the ATM withdrawals. She flies into a rage about your lack of trust and how she brings in just as much money as you do so it's none of your business what she spends it on. As the argument heats up, she throws her coffee cup at the wall and storms out of the kitchen.

  While dining with friends, your husband has too much to drink. By the time the two of you are home alone, you are furious and tell him so. He tells you he works hard to support the family and you haven't any right to question him. He tells you to shut up or he'll shut you up.

  You go to the bar where your wife is drinking to bring her home. She ridicules you for being a party pooper and publicly embarrasses you. When you reach out to take her arm, she slaps your face.

  If you marked any of the above situations as nonviolent, it's time to rethink your definition. (Keep in mind, too, that this list does not describe all forms of violence.) Here is what Webster's Dictionary says about it:

  Violence n 1 a: exertion of physical force so as to injure or abuse b: an instance of violent treatment or procedure 2: injury by or as if by distortion, infringement, or profanation: OUTRAGE 3 a: intense, turbulent, or furious and often destructive action or force b: vehement feeling or expression: FERVOR c: clashing or jarring quality: DISCORDANCE 4: undue alteration

  Notice that violence is more than just hitting or pushing. It is also injury by distortion (as in twisting your words into something hateful) and profanation (swearing at you). Violence is any angry, destructive force (like throwing things) as well as vehement discordance (like threatening to shut you up for good). In other words, every single one of the above situations is violent.

  Contrary to what some television shows and movies might suggest, violence is not a natural part of love or sexuality. Nor is it the “right” of parents toward their children, or children toward their parents. No one hits you, threatens to hit you, or verbally abuses you because he loves you. In fact, violence has nothing at all to do with you. It has only to do with the person lashing out. Violence tells you that person is frustrated and angry, has lost control of his feelings and actions, and is focused 100 percent on himself. Other than as a target, you are unimportant. Yes, you might have been part of the scene that triggered the violence, but you are not the cause of it.

  You do not need to change—become a better spouse, partner, child, or parent—to become worthy of nonviolent treatment. It is your right. Now. So if your drinker has ever been violent toward you or those you care for, the only one who has been out of line has been her—no matter what you may have done that was part of the triggering scene. Even if you did or said something hurtful, there is no justification for using violence to express that pain. We promise you that other people have done the same as you in similar situations and have not been violated. You do not have to accept violence either. Think about what behavior you will and will not accept from your loved one. The choice is yours.

  Safety Plan

  Before we talk about responding to violence, let's put into place a good plan with an emergency exit.

  The first step in making an emergency exit is being sure to have your bags packed—literally. Pack a small suitcase or bag with the belongings you would need for two or three nights away from home. Be sure to include a change of clothes, personal hygiene items (aspirin, toothpaste, and so on), money, phone numbers, important documents, and an extra set of keys. If you have children or others you are responsible for, pack for them too.

  Once you have this suitcase prepared, you can keep it in your car or at a safe house. A safe house is any place you can stay where your drinker would be denied entry. In addition to the homes of trusted friends or family members, good safe houses include shelters for domestic violence or motel rooms. If you are involved in a Twelve Step program, other members or your sponsor may be helpful. If you have children living with you, it's important to take their safety and needs into consideration when choosing a safe house.

  It may be tough for you to identify a friend or family member to take into your confidence. All the months and years of protecting the drinker, surviving the drinker, and being embarrassed by the drinker may have left you fairly isolated. We'll talk more about how to combat this isolation in a later chapter, but for now think about who you could take into your confidence. Can you think of friends or family members who might be willing to make their home your safe house? If so, talk to them about it—today. If not, there are local organizations that are able and willing to help you. Pull out the phone directory and look for domestic violence shelters, mental health centers, women's shelters, alcohol and drug centers, support groups, civic organizations, police departments, and church groups that provide help for people involved in domestic violence disputes. If your phone book does not list any organizations that seem like they might be able to help, call the local police department or state social services agency and ask for safe house recommendations in your community. They are out there. It just may take a little effort to find them. And as for embarrassment about asking for help, you are not the one committing the socially unacceptable behavior. You are the one who is being sensible.

  If possible, line up more than one safe house. Under ideal circumstances you would have several safe houses lined up in case one is unavailable when you need it or your drinker manages to muscle his way in.

  With your escape bag packed and a safe house lined up, you are ready to exit a dangerous situation if it arises. By working through the exercises that follow in this chapter you should be able to defuse most situations before they reach that point, but if you can't, you can walk out the door and have someplace to go.

  If you find yourself in a violent or potentially violent situation with no escape possible, call 911. The police are experienced at dealing with domestic violence and will usually be able to get you safely out of the situation and help you find a safe place to go.

  If you do leave your home but need to return for belongings, make sure you get police assistance. It makes no sense to go to all the trouble of getting safely out only to turn around and walk right back into the mess.

  In many states, victims of violence can apply for a restraining order from the local court system. A temporary restraining order is not a permanent solution but is intended to keep the violent person away until things cool off.

  Assess the Potential for Violence

  The likelihood that your drinker will become violent is strongly related to her past behavior. If she has been violent in the past, there is an excellent chance that violence will be part of the future. Notice that we said “chance.” A violent past does not guarantee a violent future anymore than a non-violent past guarantees a nonviolent future. In both cases, the responsibility for protecting yourself is yours. Only action can keep you safe.

  Assessing the risk of violence begins with reviewing the past. Take some time and think about life with your drinker over the years and complete the following activity. You can see how Beth completed the activity below.

  Activity 7. Tracking Down Violence

  Jot down any violent episodes you recall. This includes yelling, pushing, verbal threats, physical threats, hitting, kicking, grabbing, hitting with an object, breaking things, threatening to use a weapon, or any acts of sexual abuse. Once you have a list that feels fairly complete, write down how many times you remember these violent acts happening. Here are Beth's notes.

  Now review your list and circle the episodes that happened within the past six months. These are the behaviors for which you most need to recognize the early warning signs. Whether your list is long or contains just one incident, you are at risk.

  Recognize the Red Flags

  Violent acts do not come out of thin air. They build up just like a teakettle that is put on to boil. The kettle isn't bubbling and whistling when you first put it on. It starts out cold and gradually becomes hotter until eventually steam builds up and it starts to whistle—or blows its l
id. Similarly, there is almost always a sequence of events that builds in intensity until it results in a physical or verbal outburst.

  From where you sit, it probably looks like your drinker's violence erupts from nowhere. That's because you are so close to it that it's difficult to see clearly—sort of like standing in your backyard and trying to see the earth's roundness. You need some distance to appreciate our planet's shape. We can begin to give you the perspective on violence that you need by looking at other people's situations. Let's begin by looking at Carla and Jack's interaction the last time he came home late from work and had been drinking. Watch for the step-by-step progression of events that lead from nonviolent to violent.

  Step 1: Jack walks through the door two hours late for supper. He's been to happy hour at the local bar and is somewhat intoxicated.

  Step 2: Carla says, “Well, you did it again. You spoiled our dinner and showed you are an irresponsible father.”

  Step 3: Jack says, “I'm sorry,” and moves to hug Carla who tenses. Jack begins to get angry and adds, “I had to meet some guys from the plant to talk over business. It was work-related.”

  Step 4: Carla states, “I'm tired of these work-related trips to the bars. You could have at least called. I was worried.”

  Step 5: Jack says, “Bug off. You're starting to be a pain in the ass. I told you it was work-related. I'm tired and I don't want to hear it.”

  Step 6: Carla says, “You never want to hear it, but you never let me know where you are. I get scared.”