Get Your Loved One Sober

by Robert J. Meyers; Brenda L. Wolfe

  Activity 12. My Perfect Life

  Describe your vision of a perfect relationship. As you write, be clear and positive. For example, “I want to have more fun with him or her; we never have fun anymore” is both vague and negative. It doesn't define fun and makes a negative statement by describing what doesn't happen rather than what you want to happen. You could rewrite this example to make it upbeat and specific. “I would like it if once a week Sal would take me to the movies, and once a week we could go out to eat somewhere nice.” Another specific, positive example might be, “I'd also like Sal and me to spend some time without the children so we can be more relaxed and less distracted.” Read how Mark completed the activity. Notice that it isn't superspecific at this point. He is outlining a vision for where he wants to go. As he progresses, he will make his vision more specific so that what he needs to do will become clearer, and he will have a strong sense of his progress. Write your description of a perfect relationship in your notebook.

  I would like Maria to stop drinking altogether. I would like for she and I to go out to the movies and dinner at least a couple of times a month like we used to. I'd like to take walks in the park and have a healthy social life like we used to. I want us to visit family and friends and go to church socials. I want to be able to tell Maria my feelings and have her talk to me about hers. I would like to work together on our financial plan. I want to discuss having a family of our own and what that means to her. I want us both to work in jobs that are rewarding.

  As you work through Activity 12, remember this is the “perfect” situation, so don't be shy about what you want. You are describing your dream, and no rule anywhere says that dreams must be sensible. Write down as many thoughts, desires, activities, and behaviors that you can think of that you would like to change in your relationship. The only requirement is that you phrase everything specifically and positively. Each of us creates our own reality, but first we have to visualize it. So dream on.

  Action Summary

  You laid important ground in this chapter. After you have put this book aside for a little while, reexamine your goals and double-check them for two things. First, make sure they really do matter to you, and second, make sure they are specific. Rework them if the thought of achieving them does not truly excite you. It will be especially important to have highly desired goals as you move forward because at times you will have to bite your tongue or be courageous to achieve them.

  Recap

  Set specific, meaningful goals for your relationship.

  Make sure the destination you are working toward is one that is appealing enough to keep you going through all the ups and downs of the change journey.

  Kathy and Jim: Creating the Future

  When Kathy and Jim first got married, they were the “perfect” couple. She loved his playful spirit and sense of adventure, and he loved her quick mind and compassionate nature. There was little they did not enjoy doing together. They would go to the movies or out with friends almost every weekend and often spent the weeknights curled up on the sofa together watching television or listening to music. Camping, fishing, and just plain laughing were a big part of their lives.

  As Jim's drinking increased, however, their time together deteriorated, and Kathy found herself alone more and more. She also found herself spending a huge amount of time trying to come up with schemes to get Jim to cut back on his drinking. She threw out liquor that he brought home, “forgot” to give him phone messages from his drinking pals, hid his car keys so he couldn't go out, and invested a great deal of her breath pleading with Jim to let their life together go back to the way it used to be. Needless to say, she got nowhere. In fact, Jim complained that she was always on his case and he didn't know what she wanted anyway. All her effort just made him withdraw further into the bottle.

  It wasn't until Kathy took a long, hard look at what she was doing and clarified her goals that things began to change. Instead of pleading with Jim to be more like he used to be, Kathy clarified in her own mind exactly what it was she missed. She made a list of the things they used to do together that she wanted him to do now and the things he does now that she wanted him to stop. She was careful to describe each one in a very positive, clear fashion. Rather than telling Jim she wanted him to be affectionate like he used to be, she told him she wanted him to “spend an evening or two each week watching television or listening to music with her.” Similarly, rather than telling him to be less critical of the kids, she asked him to say one loving or complimentary thing to each child each day “because they look up to you and it makes them want to behave better.” (Notice how Kathy managed to compliment Jim at the same time she asked him to praise the children.)

  Once Kathy knew exactly what she wanted Jim to do, it was much easier for her to find effective and positive ways to communicate that to him. As she dreamed about the future she wanted with Jim, Kathy was able to select and modify her specific goals to help create that future. Each time Kathy avoided an argument or refrained from fixing things for Jim, she knew they were moving in the right direction. Although Jim didn't immediately hop on the bandwagon of change, he did notice that Kathy had stopped nagging and that their time together was more enjoyable than it had been. Shortly after Kathy changed her style, Jim even commented that she seemed to be “less of a pain these days.” It may not have been the type of compliment he used to give her, but it was most certainly better than the names he had been calling her a few short weeks before. At that point, Kathy knew they had a future.

  chapter 5

  The Driver's Seat

  John and Mom

  In spite of her reservations about his readiness to be on his own, John's mother agreed to help him rent his own apartment during his freshman year at college. She was proud of his good grades and outgoing personality, although she also worried about his taste for parties and alcohol. Over the course of the school year, it became increasingly apparent that John's taste for partying was beginning to interfere with his ability to keep up his grades and hold on to the part-time job that paid part of his living expenses. By winter break Mom pulled the money plug and John moved home. Unfortunately, he brought his new lifestyle with him. The atmosphere at home became increasingly hostile, with arguments and yelling the dominant communications between John and his mother.

  Taking the driver's seat requires that you do two things. One is that you believe you have the right to drive. The other is that you believe you have the power to steer.

  The Right to Drive

  Sometimes the most powerful way to help someone you love is by stepping back and taking care of yourself. Think about it. If you are angry, frightened, or depressed, how effectively do you really think you can help anyone? It takes a lot of energy to remain calm and think clearly when you feel angry, frightened, or depressed—and calm, clear thinking is exactly what is needed where alcohol abuse is concerned. The drug pretty much makes it impossible for the drinker to be rational. If you sacrifice your own well-being to take care only of the drinker, who remains to help the relationship?

  If someone's drinking problem has eaten away at your self-respect and confidence, you are not alone. This is a common result of loving a drinker. People whose lives feel out of control automatically look for something or someone to blame. Your drinker is no different. So the more he loses control, the more he needs someone to blame. Unfortunately, the easiest target for blame is the person closest to him. In this case, that's you. Undoubtedly you have been the target of accusations such as, “If you didn't nag me so much, I wouldn't drink,” or “You just don't understand.” Month after month and year after year these interactions wear away at your self-esteem until you begin to almost believe you are the problem. When that happens, your own misery adds to that already created by the drinking problem, and your ability to help the situation basically goes down the drain like last night's ice cubes.

  Stop blaming yourself. Regardless of what the drinker (or anyone else) may have told you, someone els
e's drinking cannot be your fault. Yes, your behaviors have an effect on the whole drinking lifestyle picture, but you did not cause this person to become an alcohol abuser. All people have stressors in their lives, some more harsh than others. But not everybody copes by getting drunk. Even if you are not the perfect wife, husband, father, mother, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, lover, or friend, you cannot be the cause of someone's drinking. For whatever variety of reasons, the drinker responds to life by drinking. She could just as likely have turned out to be someone who responds by sleeping, eating, or meditating. We are only at the beginning stages of understanding why people respond the way they do. The one thing we can be sure of is that you did not cause the problem, and you must not pay for it. In fact, the sooner you stop paying and start taking care of yourself, the sooner you will have the energy to focus on interacting with your drinker in a more positive way. That will help you move your drinker toward wanting to become sober as well as help you find a happier way to live for yourself, your drinker, and your family. If you really love your drinker, show it by loving yourself.

  You are not the problem, but you can be part of the solution. Get the facts, place the responsibility where it belongs, and learn to accept happiness.

  Proof Positive: It's Not Your Fault!

  Are any of these thoughts familiar to you? I just don't know how to help him. If I were a better husband… If only I didn't go to work when he was so young… If I were a better daughter… Other people help their loved ones, why can't I? Chances are that these sorts of thoughts have gone through your mind at some time or another. When you spend months or years in a troubled relationship, it is natural to begin to doubt yourself. Furthermore, if you compound this natural inclination with the drinker's accusations and the subtle and not-so-subtle accusations from others, it is almost impossible not to feel guilty. Think back to what your loved one was like before all this started. Remember how her drinking became progressively worse. Think about what changed. Can you recall how your loved one's drinking escalated? Remember how the problems associated with drinking also got worse—moods became erratic and hard to predict and shared enjoyment dropped off. Are you spending less and less good time together? If your loved one is also your lover, have you stopped looking forward to sex? Is your drinker angry most of the time and blaming you for his troubles?

  These next questions are the tough ones so think hard. Did you want all these negative things to happen? Did you ask your loved one to drink more and more until alcohol began to rule her life? Did you force your loved one to drink? Did all your friends become problem drinkers? Do you enjoy having alcohol be such a central factor in your life? Of course not. You did not ask for this. You did not work for this. You did not cause this.

  You can only take the blame for something you caused. Your having a relationship with this person did not cause him to become a problem drinker. Everyone responds to life's stressors differently. Some people take up yoga or jogging, others kick their dogs, some snarl at the world—and some drink. Each person's response is a little different. Your loved one responds to life by drinking. If she were not in a relationship with you, there would be another person or situation on which to blame the drinking. The bottom line, though, is that you can take neither the credit nor the blame for it. It is time to let yourself off the hook. You are living with the problem, but you are not the cause of it.

  You Have the Power

  Taking control, steering the relationship so to speak, is within your power. As you work on your behavioral maps, you will begin to see that you have the power. As you see it, you will begin to believe it.

  It is often easier to see our own behavior patterns if we first learn to identify them in others. Carefully study the following scenario and the two reactions that follow.

  John comes home from school late and drunk and tells Mom he had car trouble. She knows all too well that he was drinking and his car is working fine. Mom is sick and tired of his lame excuses and…

  As you can see, in Reaction #1 Mom basically poured gas on the fire. John came home drunk and already defensive (if he wasn't on the defense, he wouldn't have to lie), and Mom's reaction triggered a pretty violent reaction. By blowing up, she made it easy for him to react as he did. Thus, while she may have felt better about “speaking her mind,” she did nothing to improve their relationship, change his drinking, or improve her own life. Indeed, if yelling and nagging were effective at changing behavior, John would have stopped drinking the day he moved home.

  Reaction #2 shows an equally powerful effect of Mom's behavior on John. Only in this case, she triggered a non-combative reaction. By remaining calm and letting John know how she felt (as opposed to pointing out what was wrong with him), she got her message across and avoided escalating the interaction into another fight and another excuse for him to continue drinking. Of course, John could have opted to return to the tavern anyhow, but in that situation it would have been tougher to blame his behavior on Mom.

  Just as Mom's behavior affects John's behavior differently, depending on how she reacts to him, your behavior can have a positive, negative, or neutral effect on your loved one's behavior. Use Activity 13 to explore the ways your behavior can influence your drinker's behavior. As you complete the third section, think about remaining calm and clearheaded during the interaction, avoiding confrontation (not to be confused with avoiding the issues) and not accepting responsibility for the drinker's behavior. Also, look for positive, rather than negative, ways to phrase your communication. For example, if you want your spouse to take off his muddy boots before entering the house, a negative request might sound like this: “Honey, I hate it when you wear your dirty boots in the house. Please take them off before you come in.” A positive request turns that message around so that the listener hears a loving statement in the request to change: “Honey, I really appreciate it when you take off your boots before coming into the house. It makes my job of cleaning much easier.” Difficult as it sometimes may be to reinforce someone who has not put nearly the amount of energy into the relationship that you have, remember that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. If you want the person to be receptive to your prodding for change, keep the interaction positive.

  In Activity 13 we ask you to analyze how you could decrease the likelihood your loved one behaves in undesirable ways. Before doing the exercise, however, take a look at how Marge's husband figured out how he could affect her behavior.

  * * *

  Describe something your loved one does that really upsets you and that you would like him or her to stop doing.

  Marge wakes up in the morning with a severe hangover after drinking all night. She drags around the house and grumbles about how she's too ill to help with the kids or housework.

  * * *

  Describe what you might do that would make it more likely your drinker would do the behavior you just described or make the situation worse.

  I punish the behavior by not talking to her. The more she talks or tries to apologize, the more I walk away and say nothing. She gets really mad and usually ends up heading out the door for a drink.

  * * *

  Describe what you might do that would make it less likely your drinker would do the behavior you just described or make the situation better.

  I could say, “You know I disapprove of your drinking and staying out all night, but I do want to hear what you have to say. I also want you to know that when you are feeling better, I am willing to discuss it with you fully, but right now you seem to be a little under the weather and I am still too angry to discuss last night with you. Let's talk at supper.”

  * * *

  In the second response, Marge's husband makes his feelings known and also lets her know that he is willing to discuss the situation, but at a time when they are both in better condition to do so. It calmly shows concern but doesn't discount the severity of the situation. In addition, by remaining calm and delaying the discussion until both are in better sh
ape, it gives the partner a chance to regroup and make plans about how to discuss the situation. It allows him to be proactive instead of reactive—always the better position to be in if you want to retain control and increase the likelihood you will achieve your goal, whatever it may be.

  The example below uses one of Mark's entries in Activity 10 (chapter 4). You can model your plan on his if it helps. Read the activity and write your answers in your notebook.

  Activity 13. Behaviors with Power

  Step 1: Copy one of your entries from Activity 10 (in chapter 4), Step B here.

  Makes fun of me when I ask her not to drink.

  * * *

  Step 2: Describe what you might do that would make it more likely your drinker would do the behavior you just described or make the situation worse. (You can probably draw from real life experience here.)

  If I get defensive or try to argue with her. If I try to explain that someone has to keep it together and take care of the house. Sometimes I tell her I just want to do something to help her, and then she really gets pissed off. If I start to cry, she picks on me more.