Get Your Loved One Sober
Page 8
3. Plant a vegetable garden
Shortly, we'll come back to the activities you wrote down in this exercise. In the meantime, we hope you have noticed something very important about what we asked you to write. We asked you to describe activities, specific behaviors, that you would like your drinker to do or not do. We did not give you the opportunity to write things like, “He should be nicer” or “She shouldn't be nasty.” Those kinds of statements are wishes, and while wishes are great for birthday candles and falling stars, they don't help much in real life. You need to focus on specific behaviors if you want to see improvement. If your entries in Activity 10 do not describe specific behaviors, go back and rework them until they do.
Details, Details, Details
Clearly, your ultimate goal is for your drinker to spend less time drinking and more time being a loving partner or family member. That's a terrific goal but just a little vague. For instance, how much “less” time? Do you mean no time? What exactly does a “loving partner” do or not do?
One of the most common mistakes that people make when they set out to make changes is they don't take the time to develop a detailed picture of the changes. They say things such as, “I want to be happier” or “I want my marriage to get better,” but they don't think through exactly what those statements mean. For instance, does being “happier” mean making more money or having a better sex life or having more friends or having the best lawn on your block? Is a “better marriage” one in which the partners spend more time together—or less? Statements such as “happier” and “better” are for wishes, not goals. Goals are precise descriptions of where you want to go. Without a specific goal statement it is hard to know what to do to move toward the goal, and it is hard to tell when you get there. People who do not set clear goals often find themselves working like crazy and getting nowhere. We don't want that to happen to you.
Translate Wishes into Goals
We have found that most of the changes desired by people who love a drinker can be grouped into a number of general categories, which you can find below. Think about what milestones you want to achieve and which categories they fall into. As you read each description, pay careful attention to the examples we give. You will see that although the category titles sound like goals at first, they are really just directions in which you want to go. Your goal statements will need to be much more specific if they are going to get you anywhere. You can think of the wish as the neighborhood you want to move to and the goal as the detailed road map that takes you to the front door of your new home.
“Help My Loved One Get Sober”
There is a lot of variety in the type of goals that grow from this wish. There are different ways to define “help” as well as different ways to define “sober.”
Depending on your point of view, “help” can be learning to modify your drinker's behavior by managing your own (our definition), or it can mean taking on the onerous task of punishing unwanted behavior. It can even mean detaching completely and leaving the drinker to make it or break it on his own. Think about how you want to help your drinker and phrase your goals to reflect that. Obviously, our hope is that you see the merit in learning to manage your own behavior so that you can influence your drinker in a positive direction. Remember, anytime you change your behavior toward another person, the whole interaction (or reaction) changes.
Coming up with a definition of “sober” can be as tough as defining “help.” To some people, “sober” means never touching alcohol again while to others it means being able to drink without becoming intoxicated or having one's senses or abilities impaired. We cannot tell you which definition is right for your drinker. Studies have shown that some problem drinkers can learn to become nonproblem drinkers, but we also know that others cannot. Only your drinker can figure this one out—and, unfortunately, it may be a matter of trial and error before she does. If your drinker has tried repeatedly to drink moderately and failed, it may mean this is not a possibility for him. On the other hand, it may also mean the techniques she was using were the wrong ones. Think about what you believe is possible for your drinker and what level of alcohol involvement you are willing to live with. Then be prepared to adjust your thinking as your drinker moves toward addressing the problem. Your goals will need to mesh. For the time being, however, get clear in your own mind what “sober” means to you. Be sure to consider your own drinking patterns (if you drink). It may be unreasonable, for instance, to expect your loved one to give up all alcohol if you intend to continue having a glass of wine each evening while preparing dinner.
Before you define your own goals in this category, test your ability to recognize clear goal statements by taking the following quiz.
Quiz
Decide whether each statement is a clear goal or just a wish.
I will make my communication style more PIUS (see chapter 9) to minimize arguments with my drinker so that we have the opportunity to calmly discuss options for reducing his drinking.
I will do everything I can to help my drinker abstain from alcohol.
I will learn how to use my behavior to change my drinker's behavior so that she gets better.
I will learn to use scientific behavior change strategies such as those taught in the Alternatives to make it more appealing to my drinker to reduce his drinking than it is to continue drinking.
I will stop making it easy for my drinker to drink (by covering up for and cleaning up after her) so that she finds it more work to drink than to stay sober and therefore reduces her drinking.
If you recognized statements 1, 4, and 5 as clear goal statements, you are absolutely right. Each of those statements clearly says what the Concerned Significant Other (CSO) will do and what he hopes to accomplish. Statements 2 and 3, on the other hand, are less precise. In statement 2, the dedication of the wisher is clear (“do everything I can”), but it is unclear what exactly all that doing will entail. Statement 3 starts out nice and clear by describing what the individual will do but ends weakly with an ill-defined wish that the drinker “get better.” Just what does that mean? How will the CSO know when that goal is achieved or even whether the strategies being used are the right ones?
“Reduce the Risk of Violence in My Family”
You have already taken positive steps in this area, but let's talk a little about the differences between wishes and goals in this category.
Even though “reduce the risk of violence in my family” might seem like a clear goal statement, if you were to begin with no more direction than this, you would have difficulty making it happen. We have already helped you move toward reducing the risk of violence by leading you, in chapter 3, toward the goal of “reducing the risk of violence by having an emergency exit plan, by learning to identify early warning signs of violence, and by changing behavior to short circuit the violence.” If we had just told you to do your best to reduce the risk of violence in your family, we would have been of little help to you. By writing chapter 3 to match the very specific goal we just described, we were able to clearly show you what to do.
“Reduce the Emotional Stress in My Life”
This category gives rise to a tremendous range of possible goals, so you will need to think carefully about what needs to change to reduce your stress. You may find that what you list in this category will be achieved by goals in other categories. For instance, freedom from fear of violence, which is addressed by goals in the “reduce violence” category, will eliminate some stress. Similarly, if being able to rely on your loved one to come home from work sober and in time for dinner is a stress-buster, you may have already taken care of this with other goals you have set. Undoubtedly, some stress-reducing changes are not covered in other categories of goals. Examples would include such goals as “incorporate more enjoyable socializing into my lifestyle by rejoining my quilting club,” or “reduce my tension headaches by learning a portable relaxation technique.”
Before you try to generate a goal to reduce the emotional
stress in your life, review the different areas of your life for stressors. Think about your relationship with your drinker, other family members, your work, social life, and health behaviors. Once you have a reasonably complete picture of what is causing your stress, then you can figure out what would be most effective to focus on and what you can change.
“Get My Loved One into Treatment”
If you have been struggling with this situation for a long time, you have probably spent your share of time wishing the problem would just go away. You may have even gone to great lengths to try to “cure” your loved one on your own. However, the fact that you are reading this book tells us that the problem is still here. It also tells us that you are ready to take the next step. That step, in our opinion, is treatment.
We will talk at length about treatment in chapter 11. For now, we will just focus on the idea of getting your drinker into treatment. And there are almost as many ways of trying to do that as there are drinkers. You can try (or may have already tried) nagging, pleading, threatening, cajoling, coercing, blackmailing, seducing, beseeching, and plain old begging. You can also try using the relationship you already have with your drinker to gently make her want to change because there are more benefits to changing than remaining drunk. This last method is the one we teach and the one scientific research has shown to be most effective. Thus, as you define the goal that will help your wish of getting your drinker into treatment come true, consider this goal statement: “By changing the way I interact with my drinker, I will help him come to the decision that entering treatment will improve his life.” What you learn by working your way through this book is designed to help you achieve this goal.
“Learn How to Support My Loved One's Sobriety and Treatment”
This may be a new concept for you. Not many people have thought about what it means to support treatment or sobriety. In spite of the fact that you are not the cause of your drinker's problems, the relationship the two of you have developed over time may help perpetuate the drinking. Thus, if the drinker enters treatment or achieves sobriety but the relationship doesn't change, remaining sober may be more difficult than necessary. Other than making the commitment to do so, leave the goal setting for this objective until you read chapter 11. When we talk about helping your drinker into treatment, we will also talk about ways you can stack the deck in favor of her remaining in treatment long enough to achieve sobriety.
The categories of wishes and goals we discussed here are the ones we see most often in clinical work. However, you may have other objectives you want to achieve. Our not having mentioned them does not mean they are unimportant. To the contrary, the goals that matter to you are the only important ones. Use Activity 11 to map out the goals you want to achieve over the next few months.
Activity 11. Goals
In your notebook write down the goals you want to achieve for each category listed below. You can see in the examples provided how Mark was very specific about what he wanted to make happen. Be as specific as possible and don't worry if goals overlap between categories. No one is grading this. As long as you understand what you are working toward and what matters to you, it is perfect.
* * *
Help my loved one get sober
* * *
I want to learn how to talk to Maria about her drinking without a fight. I want to figure out whether there is a good time to approach her and exactly how to begin the conversation. I want to be able to enjoy her again.
* * *
Reduce the risk of violence in my family
* * *
I want to learn how to stop Maria's temper outbursts before they get out of control and she begins to throw things. I want to learn how to keep my temper under control so I don't feed the fire.
* * *
Reduce the emotional stress in my life
* * *
I want to go to work without worrying about Maria. I also want to make some time just to do things I enjoy—either with her, other friends, or by myself. It's been too long since I've done anything other than worry and pick up after her.
* * *
Get my loved one into treatment
* * *
I want to figure out how to talk to Maria about entering treatment without it turning into an argument (I think I'm repeating myself now but this is really important). I want to learn more about alcohol problems so I can help her. I want to figure out what I've been doing wrong so far.
* * *
Learn how to support my loved one's sobriety and treatment
* * *
I need to learn how I can help make treatment and quitting as easy for her as possible. There must be something I can do to help once she agrees to quit. Also, I need to make sure I don't do anything to hurt her chances.
* * *
Others…
* * *
I want our relationship to have more shared enjoyable activities and fewer arguments once she quits drinking. I don't want her to get sober and then hate me for forcing her into it. I guess this goal is about everything. I want our life to be good. So I need to learn as much as I can about the process of quitting and relapse prevention so I can make sure my actions make it easier for her to stay sober.
An Important Point
Before we continue our journey, we need to make an important point. After the intensity of thinking about everything you want to change, you are probably feeling a little overwhelmed. You have a lot of work ahead of you. The important point we want to make is: Relax. You are on your way. You have already made some tough decisions. It is important for you to remind yourself of your progress and to appreciate just how much effort it takes. Even the goal-setting exercise we just went through is nothing to sneeze at. Not everyone has it in them to take inventory of their life and map out a course for change. You are special in your willingness to go out on a limb and try to make life better. You will get there. The road is a tough one, but you have a good road map and the commitment to use it. Take it one step at a time and things will gradually, but surely, come together for you.
Priorities
This program is about you. As much as helping your drinker is a priority, it is essential to keep in mind that you are at the center of everything. You are the one who suffers because of his drinking. You are the one who keeps the family together. You are the one who covers up, picks up, and sticks up for the drinker. You are the one who has had enough. You are the one who most wants change, and you are the one who is making it happen. That means, in this whole topsy-turvy mess, you are the most important player.
As you think about your goals, keep in mind that to accomplish them, you need to have the energy and heart to keep going. To make sure you do, you absolutely must take care of yourself. In most cases, that means placing the goals related to your personal health and welfare high on the list. In fact, experience has taught us that the most effective helpers are those who help themselves first.
Look over the goals you outlined in Activity 11 and place a great big star beside those that tend to your needs. Perhaps you set goals to increase your enjoyment by joining a bowling team or planning a get-together with your cousin, or perhaps you have decided that exercise has been missing from your life for too long and you will begin walking again. As the tugs and tussles of living with your drinker unfold, keep your eye on your priorities; take care of yourself so that you can help both of you. In the midst of trying to help your problem drinker, do not lose yourself.
Dream On!
In the face of all the goal setting and planning associated with this program, it is sometimes easy to lose sight of the bigger picture of how you want to feel. That is, all those behaviors you want your drinker to do more or less of, all those changes you want to make happen; they are all part of your dream. You want the pain to go away. And you want more than that. You want to feel good, know love, and enjoy life. It is important to stay in touch with that dream.
After you read this section, close your eyes and think about y
our relationship with the drinker in the old days—back when life was good. If the drinker is your spouse, you may think back to a time when you were dating and trying to impress one another. You remember those times—buying gifts, happily doing what the other person wanted to do, romantic dinners or walks in the park, passionate sex. Remember the excitement of a new relationship? Think about how you felt. Do you remember the warm feelings? The sense of hope and future? Do you remember how you couldn't wait to see one another, spend time together, no matter when or where? Also think about the plans for the future you once had. Can you envision what your relationship was going to be? Remember these expectations and how it all seemed so possible.
If you are a parent of a drinker, remember the dreams you had for your child, the aspirations, the life you still want for her. You may have other children who are doing great, or maybe you know a nephew or a niece or a close friend's child who is living the kind of life you want for your drinking child. Use these thoughts to help you recall the hopes you once had. We know that as a parent you want the best for your children. What are those dreams?
In Activity 12 you will take these thoughts and write them down. Write them one at a time and be as specific and positive as you can. For example, you may have anticipated that you and your loved one would be spending quality time together, maybe dining out, socializing with friends, or going to the movies.