February Or Forever

by Juliet Madison

  ‘Can’t let a perfectly good olive go to waste.’ He poked his fork into the dusky green flesh and popped it into his mouth. He scooped up the remaining olives and rolled them onto his plate.

  ‘Hmm, I don’t think they’d do that in Downton Abbey.’

  ‘Not ones for sharing, eh?’

  ‘I think it would be considered bad manners. But I agree, can’t let good food go to waste. Would you like some extra avocado as well?’ She pointed her fork towards the smooth green slices and raised her eyebrows.

  Drew smiled. ‘Don’t tempt me. What did I say before about men and food?’ He winked, and Chrissie brought another mouthful of salad to her lips, her gaze not leaving Drew’s. ‘I’ve gotta say, this really is delicious. And it looks pretty healthy too.’

  Chrissie wanted to speak but her mouthful of food prevented it. She rotated her fork in the air, signalling she was about to speak, when Drew beat her to it.

  ‘It’s healthious!’ He grinned.

  Chrissie swallowed. ‘Took the words right out of my mouth.’

  ‘Your son’s a smart kid. I really must get onto those Oxford people.’ He smiled.

  Both the water and conversation flowed, and Chrissie almost forgot she was at work, almost forgot she was in Tarrin’s Bay, and for all she knew she could have been having lunch on Mars and would be none the wiser. Drew was so normal, so easy to get along with, like he was a friend she’d known all her life. If this lunch ended four hours from now it would still be too early.

  When Drew had finished he leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms up in a satisfied way. ‘Ah, that hit the spot. Now all I need is a little nap, and — ’

  ‘No,’ Chrissie said sternly. ‘No sleeping for you, Williams. Remember?’

  ‘Was hoping you’d forget. Maybe I could have just a teeny tiny power nap.’ He inched two fingers close together.

  ‘Nope. You’ll have to wait till night-time.’ She put on her authoritative motherly voice.

  ‘Okay. I think I’ll go for a walk instead, maybe take a dip in the ocean. Ah, yes, that would be perfect. Nothing like that salty water washing over your skin and the sun sparkling on the waves.’ He threaded his hands behind his head.

  Chrissie glanced at her plate.

  ‘You like swimming?’ Drew asked. ‘What about Kai, I bet he’s a little water baby now, living in a town that has beautiful beaches?’

  Chrissie fiddled with her knife and fork, even though she’d finished eating. ‘Oh, um, not really.’

  ‘Not really? Who doesn’t like the water? Nothin’ like it.’

  Exactly. Nothing like it. And no need to have anything to do with it.

  ‘I bet Kai likes splashing in the waves on the shore, though, right?’

  Please stop. A lump formed in Chrissie’s throat and she pushed it down with a hard swallow, but it only resurfaced. ‘Um, he’s not too keen on it, he’s a bit scared, actually, he’s — ’ Chrissie reached for the water to deflect from the uncomfortable conversation but her hand shot out too hard and the glass toppled over. ‘Oh, damn.’ She stood, the chair screeching underneath her. She grabbed a napkin and prodded the spill on the table, then noticing some had dripped onto the floor she bent down. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  Drew came around to her side of the table. ‘It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.’ He bent down too and took the napkin from her hand, pausing to look her in the eye. ‘Here, I’ve got this.’ He dabbed at the water puddle, then returned to the table and mopped up what was left. ‘It’s only water.’

  Heat prickled Chrissie’s spine and her breath was short and sharp. Please, not here. Not here. She turned away and placed a hand on her chest.

  ‘Chrissie? Are you okay?’

  She raised her chin and turned back. ‘Yes, I’m fine. Just embarrassed by my klutziness is all.’ She faked a lighthearted smile, but by the look on Drew’s face he didn’t buy it.

  He dropped the napkin on the table and came closer. ‘I’ve said something that upset you, haven’t I?’

  ‘No, no. Nothing. I’m fine.’ She edged past him and walked to the daybed out on the patio, taking a seat. ‘Gee, the garden’s looking nice isn’t it?’

  In a flash Drew was next to her, the side of his thigh touching hers. Although she was focused on the array of plants, she could feel his gaze on her. It tingled and tickled and urged her to look.

  ‘Talk to me. What’s going on inside that mind of yours?’

  She flicked a dismissive hand at his probing.

  ‘Oh man, I’m sorry if I brought up the past the other day, when I asked about your parents. Should have kept my big mouth shut.’ He lowered his head.

  ‘No, it’s not that. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s just…’

  ‘Just what?’

  ‘It’s just me.’ She lowered her chin towards her chest. ‘It’s silly, I shouldn’t be so…’ She struggled to find the words, then turned to face him. ‘So scared.’

  ‘What are you scared of, Chrissie?’ His eyes held curiosity and concern, and part of her wanted to bare her heart and soul while the other part wanted to run and hide.

  She swallowed that persistent lump in her throat. ‘Water,’ she whispered.

  ‘Water?’ Drew leaned closer, as though unsure he’d heard correctly.

  She nodded. ‘See, it’s silly. I should just snap out of it and — ’

  The warm touch of his hand on top of hers took her words away. ‘Tell me about it,’ he said softly.

  She released a slow breath. ‘I haven’t been swimming in…in years. And I’ve never taken Kai to swimming lessons. I’m such a bad mother.’ She buried her forehead in her free hand.

  ‘Hey, don’t say that,’ Drew replied.

  ‘If it wasn’t for that…’ she pointed her thumb over her shoulder in the direction of the beach, ‘…that ocean out there that everyone loves and adores so much, my sister would still be alive.’

  Drew’s hand pressed down firmly on hers.

  ‘Danielle drowned, right out there on that beach. She was only eleven years old.’ The last three words faltered and she cleared her throat.

  Drew’s grip tightened, his fingers threaded between hers. He didn’t speak, didn’t have to. The simple touch of his hand told her he was here for here, he was listening, and he wanted her to continue.

  ‘I was out there with her, having fun. It was late afternoon, the sun was low, blazing like it is today, barely allowing us to see in front of ourselves.’ Chrissie’s mind replayed each moment, each precious last moment she had with her sister. ‘I told her I was going inside for a while, into Aunt Felicia’s house, and said she should come out of the water with me.’

  ‘It’s getting late, Dani, c’mon, let’s go inside,’ she’d said. ‘And I’m busting to go to the bathroom.’

  ‘Just go in here, Chrissie, no one will know,’ Danielle had replied.

  ‘Ew, gross! No way, that’s disgusting.’

  ‘Don’t be such a princess. Princess Christina,’ she’d said in a posh voice.

  Chrissie had laughed it off, knowing her sister was teasing, and when Dani said she’d come in after a few more minutes, Chrissie had left her there in the water, alone.

  ‘When I came back outside, I couldn’t see her. I thought maybe she was inside already and had gone upstairs or something, but there was no answer when I called out. Felicia came downstairs on hearing me call Danielle’s name. We both went outside, but the sun was so bright on the horizon it was hard to see. Felicia called out along the beach while I went into the water, keeping an eye out for her head bobbing in the waves.’ Heat filled Chrissie’s eyes and the sting of unshed tears pinched at her eyelids. ‘I just couldn’t find her. It was so frustrating, I’d been with her only moments before, and then she was gone.’ She tipped her head back and rubbed at her eyes, desperate to keep the tears contained. Drew’s thumb rubbed along her hand, and although it comforted her, it also exacerbated the well of emotion rising up inside. ‘Anyway, we c
alled for help, and the surf lifesavers were onto the scene in seconds. All of a sudden, a heap of people were looking for her, in a boat, and then a helicopter. By the time the sun had lost its last rays that day, I’d learned I’d lost my sister. They found her. It was over. They said she may have got caught in a rip and panicked. I couldn’t move from that shore. If I moved away, it would become real, and I wasn’t ready for the truth.’ Chrissie gulped and took a deep breath. ‘After that, I couldn’t go back to the shore. Couldn’t go near the water. It reminded me of her, of her death. It became easier to avoid it all together.’

  ‘Oh, Chrissie.’ Drew’s hand moved from hers and his arm curved around her back. He squeezed her opposite shoulder, and she allowed herself to lean into him. ‘I’m so sorry. It’s so unfair, everything you’ve been through. I wish there was something I could do to…to…make it easier.’ He rubbed her shoulder up and down.

  ‘It’s okay, I’ll be okay. It’s just that being here again after all these years has brought back a few memories.’

  ‘No wonder,’ he said.

  ‘I just wish I hadn’t gone inside without her. I was her big sister, I should have looked after her. Should have insisted she come inside too. If only I’d — ’

  Drew grasped her chin with his other hand and turned her head to face his. ‘None of this “if only” business. It wasn’t your fault, you mustn’t blame yourself, Chrissie.’

  His oceanic eyes peered deep inside her heart, unnerving her. She was vulnerable, exposed. She couldn’t bear losing it in front of him. Her toes clenched and she had to move, had to get out of there. She stood, his arm falling away. ‘I’m sorry, this has been so unprofessional of me. I really should go now.’ She pushed back a few loose strands of hair and forced her emotions back into the near-overflowing well. Don’t let him see you like this, Chrissie. Just keep going, don’t stop. Don’t let it all come out.

  ‘Wait,’ he said. ‘You don’t have to go. You can stay as long as you like.’ His touch on her arm made her flinch. ‘I’m here for you. I want to be here for you.’

  ‘You’ve been very kind, Drew, really. But I need…I need to go.’ She dashed into the dining room and grabbed her bag, Drew following. She walked to the hallway and turned back. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, and we’ll get back to business, okay?’ She faked a smile and turned away before the sight of his comforting eyes could draw her back into his arms, back into the emotional well she was quite literally drowning in, and back to a time and place she had no desire to return to.

  * * *

  ‘No, Kai, you can’t have tomorrow off school,’ Chrissie said, taking a seat at the kitchen table and opening her laptop later that afternoon.

  ‘But — ’

  ‘Uh,’ she raised a finger in warning, ‘no buts.’

  Kai slumped on the couch with crossed arms and a scrunched up face that looked like a pug dog, and Chrissie searched for more reward options to entice her son to school. By the looks of things, the only event on in town in the near future was the Valentine’s Day Love Festival that ran from this Friday night to Sunday. Pft! Love-struck couples wandering hand in hand, watching starry-eyed as fireworks lit up the sky, before heading home together to make love a zillion times. Forget that. Real life didn’t have happy ever afters. It had work and school and difficult children and stretch marks and housework and bills to pay. Real life had tragedy and loss and grief, and although spending time with Drew had brightened her days, opening up to him like that had been a mistake. She shouldn’t have accepted his offer to have lunch in the first place. From now on she’d act in a strictly professional manner. She was his yoga teacher. That was it. The chitchat would have to stop.

  Chrissie opened her email inbox and clicked on ‘compose’. Kai would be at his father’s this weekend, so maybe he could think up a reward to give his son if Kai didn’t complain for the next two days. Why should all the responsibility rest on her shoulders?

  Victor,

  Your son is being very difficult and it’s hard to get him to go to school. I know you check your emails as often as you check your (she wanted to say ‘reflection’) stocks, so please reply tonight with an idea of a reward I can mention to Kai tomorrow morning to make him want to go to school. I came up with one for last week, now it’s your turn.

  Chrissie.

  She wasn’t normally this blunt with him, she wanted things to be as cordial as possible so as to not cause any undue conflict around Kai, but today she was simply over the whole motherhood thing. This weekend alone would be good, for both her and Kai to spend time apart. She could keep her mind occupied by getting stuck into things around the house, and she sure as hell wouldn’t be going to the Love Festival. The more she stayed away from things like that, from any idea or hope that she could have true love, the less chance she had of getting hurt. Or worse, hurting someone else. Those close to her didn’t hang around long, and if they didn’t succumb to an untimely death they’d probably up and leave. Maybe she was meant to be alone, devote her life to raising Kai and helping others find peace. Or maybe her mind was over-thinking, over-analysing everything, and she just needed a nice soak in a hot bath and an early night. Why was she so grumpy? Chrissie checked her calendar. ‘Ha!’ she said to herself. ‘PM bloody S.’ When everything was going wrong, one could always resort to blaming hormones.

  Chapter 14

  Drew opened his eyes and got up slowly from the floor. He could normally relax easily in Shavasana at the end of a yoga session, especially with Chrissie’s calming voice, but for the last two days after her revelation, he’d struggled. Instead of quietening his mind, he’d busied it with thoughts of how to reach her again. How to get through to her and help her open up so she could deal with her situation. Chrissie had been distant since their lunch on Wednesday, and despite her obvious regret at having told him about her past, he wished they could go back to the way things were.

  ‘Good work. I’ll see you next week,’ Chrissie said curtly, then blew out the candle and gathered her things.

  ‘Wait,’ Drew said, not sure what words would come out of his mouth next but not wanting her to leave.

  Her eyebrows rose in waiting for him to continue, her lips sealed tight in a straight line, as though desperate to keep it together.

  ‘I ah…’ What should he say? Normally he just blurted out whatever was on his mind without time for thinking. The whole ‘speak now, think later’ mantra. But he needed to choose his words carefully this time. If he hit a nerve, pushed her, it might have the opposite effect he desired, and there could be a chance she wouldn’t want to continue as his instructor. But the woman needed to let out whatever she had bottled up inside. They couldn’t go on with classes when she was like this. He got that she was trying to pull back and be professional, but after two weeks of being together every day except the weekends, it had become more than that. He didn’t know what it was exactly, but they’d bonded. The thought of not seeing her next month sent an uncomfortable wave rolling through his body, but he’d deal with that when the time came. For now, he needed to help her. Somehow.

  ‘I, ah,’ he scratched his head, ‘was wondering if you could help me with something?’

  ‘Sure. One of the poses? Do you want some extra help with the ones you found challenging today?’

  ‘No, it’s not about yoga,’ he replied. ‘Help with a song.’

  Her eyes widened in apparent surprise. ‘You want my help…with a song?’

  ‘Well yes, just a bit of feedback. I’ve finished writing it but it can be hard to know how it sounds until someone else listens to it. Objective feedback and all that?’

  She shifted on the spot. ‘So you want me to listen to your song and let you know what I think?’

  ‘Yeah, if you don’t mind. I could always record it and send it to a friend if you’d prefer, I don’t want you to feel obligated or — ’

  ‘Sure. I’ll do it,’ she said.

  Step one, done. Step two — sing the song and hope it so
ftened her resolve, helped her to get in touch with her emotions as music often did. It could make things ten times worse, he knew that, but he had to try. Music was a great icebreaker, a way to open people up and get them talking. Sure, some feedback on the lyrics and melody would be welcome, but that wasn’t why he was doing it.

  ‘Great. Thanks.’ Drew headed for the door. ‘I’ll grab my guitar and be back in a tick.’

  When he returned, Chrissie stood at the window with her back to him.

  ‘Right then, here we go,’ he said, and when Chrissie turned around he gestured for her to sit on her mat that she appeared to have forgotten to put away. ‘I’m a little nervous.’

  ‘Nervous? Why? You’ve been doing this for years.’

  ‘But not like this, here, with one person.’ He sat cross-legged on her mat too, opposite her, and she inched back slightly, but they were still close.

  ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine,’ she said. ‘Go ahead.’

  ‘It’s called Breathe.’ Drew closed his eyes for a moment, centring himself into the feeling of the song. Words were one thing, but if they didn’t have emotion behind them, the song would sound flat. Emotions first, song second.

  He placed his hands and fingers in position on the strings, and took a deep breath, his chest expanding against the solid African mahogany of his Taylor guitar. Breathing life into it, preparing it to respond to his touch with perfectly tuned sound.

  His thumb ran down the row of strings, and taking one more deep breath, he opened his mouth…

  ‘Sometimes life gets away from you,

  Sometimes life takes the joy from you,

  But when things around you come crashing down,

  And the past you’d rather forget keeps spinning you around,

  There are three little things that you must do, to bring you back to you…

  Don’t forget to breathe,

  Don’t forget to cry,

  Don’t forget to take the time to do what’s right, and bring your soul to life,