by Pam Howes
* * *
By the time Millie’s bouncing baby boy, Paul James, arrived at the beginning of March, a full two weeks after his expected due date, Alice knew for certain that she was pregnant. It couldn’t be worse news and she felt in despair as she sat in front of the doctor when he gave her the result. She’d just been promoted at work to the supervisor’s position in her new cosmetics job, much earlier than expected, and was really enjoying herself.
But nothing got past Sadie, who had questioned her constantly and in whom she’d confided when she realised her monthly was late. She’d confessed that Jack had taken her by force and she was certain she was pregnant as a result. Sadie had sympathised with her and told her to leave him, but Alice said it wasn’t an option and she had no choice but to stay put for the foreseeable future.
Alice walked out of the surgery on legs of jelly. She needed to talk to one of her friends, but she couldn’t go and burden Millie as she was in hospital for five more days. Sadie was still at work. Hardly anyone else would be home at this time in the afternoon, apart from Granny Lomax, and she couldn’t possibly go there. But Marlene wouldn’t be picking Cathy up from school until later, and even though Marlene wasn’t her usual confidante, Alice needed a friendly shoulder to cry on. She set off towards Marlene’s house, dragging leaden feet. Jack would go absolutely berserk when she told him her news. He hated kids and she’d have to give up work. They’d lose a chunk of their income and it would set them back months. He’d blame her for not taking precautions, even though it was his fault. He’d probably start drinking heavily again and she just didn’t think she could cope with any more abuse.
Alice burst into tears when Marlene opened the door and let her in. Marlene simply enfolded her in her arms and let her sob on her shoulder. She led her through into the neat and tidy back sitting room, pushed her gently onto an armchair under the window and poured a mug of strong tea from the china tea pot sitting on the table.
‘I must ’ave sensed you were coming,’ she said. ‘I’ve just made a fresh pot.’ She handed the mug to Alice and poured one for herself. ‘What’s up, chuck? ’Ave you ’ad bad news? Oh, I ’ope nowt’s ’appened to Terry’s mam.’
Alice shook her head and wiped her eyes. She took a deep breath and a sip of the hot sweet tea. ‘She’s okay, as far as I know. But I’m pregnant. And Jack will go mad.’
Marlene frowned. ‘Well what’s wrong with that? It’s good news, surely. And why will Jack go mad? Being a dad will be the making of ’im.’
‘You don’t understand,’ Alice sobbed. ‘He hates kids. He only tolerates Cathy because he’s got no choice. He told me from the start that he didn’t want any of our own.’
Marlene raised an eyebrow. ‘Well that’s too bad. ’E should have been more careful then, shouldn’t ’e? But you mustn’t get yourself all worked up like this, Alice. It’s not good for you. These things ’appen. ’E’ll be all right once ’e’s over the shock.’
Alice took a deep breath. ‘I don’t think he will. He’s going to be so angry.’
Marlene frowned and blew out her cheeks. ‘Well it might be a shock, but ’e shouldn’t be angry with you. Takes two to tango, chuck. Drink your tea before it goes cold and I’ll ’ave a think.’
Alice did as she was told. She felt sick with fear and worry, dreading Jack’s reaction later. Maybe she should wait a while and get used to the news herself first. She might feel a bit stronger about telling him then. But no matter how or when she told him, there was no getting away from the fact that this baby was the result of New Year’s Eve. How would she be able to love it when each time she looked at it, there would be a reminder of that awful night?
‘Right. You ’ave to talk to ’im, gel.’ Marlene’s voice broke her thoughts. ‘Get ’im in a good mood before you say anything, and ’e might feel okay about it once ’e’s got used to the idea. It’s not something you can keep from ’im. ’Ow far are you?’
‘Ten weeks,’ Alice said. ‘It happened at New Year. We, er, were a bit careless.’ There was no chance it had been any other time as Jack had thankfully kept his distance from her since.
Marlene smiled. ‘Too much alcohol, no doubt. Makes us throw caution to the wind and regret it for a lifetime afterwards. That’s ’ow I copped for all my three. Not that I regret ’aving them of course. Just wish they’d been a bit more spaced out with chance to breathe. Well, like I say, you need to tell ’im. See what ’e says and if ’e’s adamant ’e doesn’t want to be a father, you’ve two choices. Either leave ’im and set up on your own, or get something done about it. There’s a woman in Bootle. I can ask around for the address. But let’s ’ope it won’t come to that, chuck.’
‘Well I can’t leave him,’ Alice said, choking on a sob. ‘I’ve nowhere to go and all my money is tied up in the Legion. I’m not sure how I feel about having this baby. I mean, I always wanted another with Terry, but Jack and I didn’t plan to have any. I don’t even know if I want it myself.’
Marlene frowned. ‘And what about, “I can’t leave Jack because I love ’im”?’
Alice hesitated momentarily. ‘Er, well, yes, of course I do.’
‘Well,’ Marlene paused for a minute. ‘There you are then. Get yourself off ’ome and talk to ’im and I’ll pick Cathy up and bring ’er back ’ere for ’er tea. Gives you two a bit of time to yourselves.’
* * *
Sheila was just leaving as Alice got back home to the Legion. There was a bloom to her cheeks and an air of something Alice couldn’t quite put her finger on, but she was positive that, whatever it was, it was keeping Jack away from her. Not that she cared at the moment. If pawing Sheila was keeping him happy, it was also keeping Alice safe and she could live with that. It was also grounds for divorce should she ever need it in the future. But she pushed that thought to the back of her mind as she strolled upstairs while Jack locked the doors for a couple of hours until evening opening time.
‘You okay, gel?’ he asked, coming up behind her. ‘You look a bit pale.’
Alice nodded. ‘Is Brian home yet?’
‘He told you before he left this morning that he was having his tea at his mate’s.’
Alice kicked her shoes off and sank into an armchair in the spacious living room. ‘Ah, so he did. I forgot.’ That was good. She could get it over with now without the kids around, while she had the chance. She took a deep breath and looked at Jack, who had sprawled out on the sofa, his feet up on the coffee table. ‘Jack, we need to talk, seriously.’
He stared at her and lit a ciggie. ‘About what?’ He narrowed his eyes and she saw a flash of guilt cross his face. ‘Me and Sheila are just mates, you know. Nowt for you to worry about there, gel.’
‘I’m not,’ she said, but stored that away for another time. She still felt hurt by the fact Jack had changed so quickly. ‘I never doubted you were anything else. No, we have to talk about the fact that I’ve just come from the doctor’s surgery and he’s told me I’m pregnant.’ She felt quite satisfied as she saw his jaw drop and a horrified expression cross his face.
‘Well, who you have been with then?’ he accused. ‘Because I haven’t touched you since, well, you know when.’
‘Yes,’ Alice said. ‘I do know when. And that’s when it happened. This baby I’m expecting is the result of what happened at New Year, Jack. I’m ten weeks. It fits the time exactly, wouldn’t you say?’
He jumped to his feet, clenching his fists. ‘Don’t you get smart with me, or else…’
Alice flinched, waiting for the blow she was sure would come. But he marched to the door and then turned back to face her.
‘Get rid of it. I don’t want any kids. I told you that right at the start.’ He left the room and slammed the door.
She heard him limping down the stairs and the door opening to the concert room. He’d be at the bar knocking back whisky now. But he wouldn’t dare to hit her later with Brian and Cathy around, would he? At that moment, Alice really felt that she hated him.
<
br /> * * *
Alice dropped Cathy at Marlene’s at the last minute and dashed away to catch the tram before Marlene could question her.
‘How did you get on at the doctor’s?’ Sadie asked as she and Alice took their seats on the top deck.
Alice sighed. ‘It was positive,’ she whispered. ‘Nightmare. Jack is furious. I’ll tell you more at break time.’
Sadie squeezed her arm. ‘Oh God, I can just imagine. What a mess, Alice.’
Alice nodded. ‘You have no idea.’
‘Are we still going to see Millie tonight? Do you feel up to it?’
‘Yes, I can’t wait to see her and little Paul. Did you wrap the teddy bear we bought?’
‘I did. We’ll get Millie some flowers as well.’
At work, Alice kept herself busy, rearranging the Max Factor counter in between serving customers. She loved her new job, and being in charge; she took great pride in making sure she gave the best advice she could when asked for help by women from all walks of life. From a simple lipstick to a full-blown change of makeup, people went away praising her skills. She always made sure she looked her best, although this morning the shadows beneath her eyes had taken some careful covering. She couldn’t believe that in just a few short months she’d have to give this up to look after the baby. Or would she? Her head had been in a spin all night. She’d hardly slept a wink. Jack had come back in time to open the club, accompanied by Sheila, who’d shot her a look that could kill given half a chance, leaving Alice to assume she’d been told.
After closing the club Jack had practically ignored her and slept on the sofa. When he’d come into the bedroom to get undressed his only words had been, ‘I meant what I said. Get rid of it.’ And this morning she might as well have been invisible. It had been a relief to get out and come to work.
At break time she and Sadie took the table nearest the window where it was always quiet. She brought Sadie up to speed and took a sip of tea while her friend digested the news.
‘So what are you going to do?’
Alice shrugged. ‘I just don’t know. One minute I feel sure I’m going to have it and to hell with what Jack thinks, and the next my mind is all over the place and I think I should get rid of it just to keep the peace at home. I feel awful even thinking that, but do I have a choice?’
‘Alice, of course you do. Jack can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s your baby too.’
‘Shh.’ Alice looked around to make sure they weren’t being eavesdropped on. ‘I don’t know that I can afford to give up work. Jack’s used most of my money on doing the club up.’
‘Well, it must be making a few bob. It’s always packed out. Who does the books?’
Alice drew a deep breath. ‘Jack does. I offered but he told me I wouldn’t know what I was doing. He gives Brian a set of figures and Brian works it all out for him. He’s very clever at mathematics so he finds it easy. Jack just puts the figures in a book and I never get to see them.’
Sadie frowned. ‘Well, if I’d handed over half the money from the sale of my house I’d want to see the books. Are you mad, Alice? You need to ask him if the business is making enough to support you all if you have to give up work. He should get rid of a barmaid and let you do it after the birth. That will save a wage. You’ve had six months in there now so he should know what profit he’s turned in that time. All the fancy stuff he’s bought hasn’t come out of what the club is making. You’ve paid for it all.’
Alice chewed her lip. The financial side of things had been taken away from her right from the start. Maybe she should have insisted on taking more interest and being kept up to date with how things were going. On the surface it all looked well; the club was always busy, and so she’d let Jack take charge, spending the money as he’d seen fit. Deep down, she’d let herself believe that he felt he was making less work for her because he loved her and it was his way of showing her he cared and it was time for her to take life a bit easier. But now she realised that probably wasn’t the case at all. She would have to bring up the finance subject at some point, because whether Jack wanted it or not, he was going to be a father later this year. If only she’d been a bit more wary, listened to what people had said about Jack years ago. But he’d always been kind and caring towards her, looked after her when her mam was ill and after Terry died, and she’d had no reason at all to believe he would ever be anything else.
* * *
Alice popped her head around Brian’s bedroom door. ‘I’m off out now with Sadie, love. We’re going to see Millie and the baby. Can you listen out for Cathy? She was tired when I put her to bed, so I don’t think she’ll be long before she falls asleep.’
‘I will.’ Brian looked up from under his floppy fringe. ‘I’ve nearly finished my homework and then I’ll pop down and give Jack a hand with the glasses. It’s bingo night so it gets a bit busy and I need to earn some pocket money. I’ll keep popping up to see if she’s okay.’
‘Thanks, love, I’ll see you later.’
‘Give Millie my love.’ He was quiet for a few seconds and then, ‘Alice, can I ask you summat? Is everything okay with you and Jack? Why did he sleep on the sofa last night? I felt there was a bit of an atmosphere this morning before we all left for work and school. I thought you two were dead happy together.’
Alice sighed. ‘We had a few words, that’s all. Nothing for you to worry about. It’s okay. See you in a bit.’ She patted his head and left the room.
‘Where are you off to?’ Jack shouted as she walked past the bar to the front doors.
‘I told you earlier where I’m going,’ she said. ‘Brian will listen out for Cathy.’ Before he could say anything else she walked out of the building and onto the main road, where Sadie was hurrying towards her. They linked arms and made their way to the tram stop.
‘Did you ask Jack about the books?’ Sadie asked.
‘Nope. Hardly spoken to him. It’ll have to wait until the kids are out of the way. Brian already asked me why Jack slept on the sofa last night. I just told him we’d had words.’
Sadie nodded. ‘I really don’t envy you. Bringing another child into an unsettled home is not a good thing.’
Alice shrugged. ‘I can’t get my head around what to do for the best.’ She lowered her voice as the tram screeched to a halt. ‘Marlene said there’s a woman in Bootle. But I don’t know if I can even think of that.’
Sadie rubbed her arm as they settled on seats at the rear of the tram. ‘Try and have another talk with him. Threaten to leave him and ask for all your money back. Hit him where it hurts most. He won’t want to lose the Legion, so he needs to be a bit more reasonable about things. You can always threaten him with speaking to a solicitor.’
‘I’ll see. Let’s just enjoy our visit with Millie for now. Don’t say anything, not even about me being pregnant yet. I don’t want her worrying about me. She’s got enough to cope with right now.’
* * *
Jack poured himself a drink and sat down on a bar stool. He felt furious with Alice. The fact that she was pregnant was bad enough, but the way she’d told him, so cocky in her attitude. Like she held all the cards now and he had no say. He wasn’t standing for that. She either got rid of it or he’d knock the little bastard out of her. He’d had enough of being messed about with that bloody Susan girl a few years ago. Trying to pin the blame on him. He’d seen her and the kid off and he wasn’t about to go down that road again.
He looked up as Sheila spoke. ‘Sorry, gel. I was miles away.’
‘I just asked where Alice had gone, that’s all,’ Sheila said.
‘No idea. And I don’t bloody care either.’
‘Jack, you need to sort yourself out. I know you were angry when you came to see me after she told you about the baby, but it’s not the end of the world. Have you ever thought that it might be good for you, being a dad?’
Jack glared at her over the top of his glass. ‘How do you work that one out? I don’t like bloo
dy kids. I don’t want to be a father. I couldn’t have made it clearer.’
‘Well, she didn’t do it on her own. It’s your fault as much as hers, for God’s sake. You men need to start taking responsibility for your actions. It’s always the bloody same. If I hear one more fella tell me his girl’s gone and got herself pregnant, I swear I’ll smack their bloody face. Now buck up. We’ve got work to do.’
Jack half-smiled. ‘Sorry, gel. It just spoils everything.’
‘Only if you let it. How do you think poor Alice feels? She’s just started her new job and finding her feet with it. I’d be fuming if you knocked me up. Bloody good job I do something about it in advance, because I can’t trust you to sort it.’
Jack put his glass down and patted her on the backside. ‘And thanks for doing it, gel. I couldn’t handle that one. Alice and I need to talk, without arguing. And I’ll do my best to see her point of view, but I still don’t want this kid.’
* * *
Alice stroked the dimpled chin of Millie’s beautiful baby boy. He stared unblinkingly up at her with bright blue eyes. His tufts of blond hair, fair eyebrows and lashes were more Millie’s colouring than Jimmy’s ginger.
‘He’s gorgeous,’ she said, feeling tears springing to her eyes. Would her own baby ever look into her eyes?