You Killed Wesley Payne

by Sean Beaudoin

  noun

  The third volume in the populous and megaselling vampire series written by Fanny Moroni, Neckless is widely revered by generations of young girls and moms alike, from cheerleading to menopause. The series concerns the adventures of desperately beautiful but painfully shy tween vampire Jordan Schwartz and her search for eternal love. Or, at least the right sweater and something fun to do on Friday night.

  Blackula |vlak ku-lah|

  adjective

  Having bushy and ludicrous sideburns, usually in conjunction with an unfortunate tendency to wear black.

  Blah Blah Blagatha Christie |bla ga tha kris ti|

  person

  Mystery writer Agatha Christie’s even less interesting older sister, Blagatha, wrote lots of books where a roster of plausibly guilty characters gather in a fireplace-laden room so the detective can explain why each didn’t commit the crime, until the one who did pulls out a musket, and then the high-strung maid stabs him in the neck with a hat pin.

  Bloshite |blow shy it|

  adjective

  Not true.

  Patently false.

  Complete carp.

  Bolshevik |bhol sheff ic|

  adjective

  So old-school, it’s ancient.

  Bovine Spongiform |beau fine spong a ferm|

  noun

  Known as BSE, or mad cow, this neurodegenerative disorder is the better-documented cousin of lupine spongiform, or “werewolf dementia.” Primarily the result of factory farm profit vectors that include introducing pesticides, hormones, antibiotics, and the ground spinal tissue of other animals into the feed of cows, otherwise primarily herbivores. The lupine version is mostly a result of preferring Jacob to Edward and is most frequently seen among fervid preteen girls driven to “were-distraction,” in which they forget to bathe, refuse to eat, deflect pointed questions, and sit on their beds in a numb haze for entire summers staring at the phases of the ripening moon.

  BoxxMart |bahks murt|

  place

  Need a seventy-five–pound barrel of Mexican pretzels? Need a tube of Meatless Snack Paste the size of a dachshund? In the market for a nine-piece set of chrome Celery Mounts? BoxxMart, known on the street as “Boxxie M’s,” is your place.

  Burger Barn |boo gah bahn|

  place

  The home of That Phat Burger, Farmer Ed’s Field Chum, Duck Nougat, and Triple-Dipped Dipping Tails. Also, a gratuitous previous book in-joke for detail nerds, reference geeks, and conspiracy dorks. Is Chad Chilton the manager? He will be once Whimple gets the can.

  Caesar |‘sez r|

  person

  Someone who thinks they’re in power, when they aren’t or don’t deserve to be.

  Caesar, Gaius Julius (100–44 BC); Roman statesman or something.

  Calculus |‘kalk y ls|

  noun

  The classroom process during which Stained Sweatshirt continually makes fun of Always Raises His Hand, to the point that Hand-Raiser stops volunteering answers and draws in the margins of his textbook for the rest of the semester, while Stained Sweatshirt settles into a newfound sense of purpose.

  Mathematics & logic: a particular method or system of calculation or reasoning.

  Carcassed |‘kar kised|

  adjective

  In big trouble. Screwed. Doomed. In some cases denoting actually having been stomped to jelly.

  Cardigan |kar degg in|

  noun—pejorative

  A preppy fish stick.

  Carp |‘kar pe|

  adjective

  Not particularly believable.

  Bloshite.

  Cary Grant |kery grent|

  person

  Famous actor whose real name was Archibald Leach. His characters spent a lot of time rooting around in George Washington’s nose at Mount Rushmore. Known to run sort of cockeyed and look good in a suit. The only man in the history of cinema for whom the words debonair, mid-Atlantic, screwball, leathery, constipated, virile, and hat-tastic all apply in equal measure.

  Casket of Amontadildo |’kes ket av a mont a del doe|

  noun

  Where Eddie Allan Poe hid his battery-operated implements.

  Catwalk Ninja |‘khat wulk nhyn jhuh|

  noun

  Don’t stare. Don’t make any quick movements. Do not touch her leather skirt. If she says move, move. If she says eat your own nose paste, eat your own nose paste. Her name is Jenny. Your name is Mudd.

  Charlie Sheen |chur lee she|

  person; adjective

  The worst of a bad lot of Sheens, this uniquely American monument to wasted opportunities, rampant narcissism, bad acting, chin overload, the horrors of nepotism, and smug satisfaction continues to lower the bar of a cultural discourse that already thinks So You Think You Can Dance is a form of philosophical inquiry. And yet, oddly, Sheen-fils does provide an almost Intelligently Designed, perfectly banal yin to Jon Cryer’s neutered post-Duckie yang every Monday night on CBS. If there’s two men there, it’s a mystery to this viewer, but it’s certainly clear whose nub provides the extra half. As the jowly Colonel Kurtz says to young Martin Sheen after a long journey into the darkness that is the Nung River: “All things come to pass and all debts are ultimately paid.” In this case, that probably means a half hour in a small room with Denise Richards.

  Cheater |ch tr|

  noun

  Any kind of handgun, especially one that’s easily concealed.

  A person who acts dishonestly in order to gain an advantage.

  Chernobyl |cher no bill|

  place

  See, what happened was, the Russkies got a little lazy with the safety protocols at one of their nuclear plants and then the whole thing sort of overheated and had to be covered with about a million tons of concrete to avoid irradiating most of northern Europe and then President Reagan had to get sort of mad about it and insist they start paying as much attention to the fissile coolant as they do importing crates of knock-off Levis.

  Chitty Chitty |chit ee chit ee|

  adjective/noun

  A dangerous place where lots of shooting happens.

  Dick Van Dyke’s favorite car.

  Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

  Cinnabon |sin hey bahn|

  adjective

  Someone with a posterior of oceanic movement and breathtaking dimension. Example sentence: “Holy shite, did you see the junk Inference is dragging around in that red dress? She walks like two hogs fighting in a grocery bag! Homegirl is one grade-A Cinnabon!”

  The Clash |da klash|

  noun

  The only band that matters.

  Immediately and illegally download every single one of their songs (except “Rock the Casbah”) over a peer-to-peer file sharing network now.

  When the record company lawyers start hammering at your downstairs door, tell them “Only knobs pay cash for the Clash!” Guaranteed to stand up in court.

  Cobra Cobretti |koh bra ko bret ee|

  person

  Just another classic role in the long and storied Stallone pantheon. Cobretti is so effing tough, and has so much bristly stubble, that he almost manages to act his way into Brigitte Nielsen’s leather pantsuit—but then some cannibal biker stabs him, in the provolone.

  Cosmonaut |kas mo not|

  noun

  A Russian astronaut. Or a monkey in a Sputnik. Or a girlie cocktail with a nautical theme.

  Crackstar |krak str|

  noun

  A person who makes sarcastic jokes or insults, and does it very well, i.e, “cracking wise.”

  The Crunge |krunj|

  noun

  The name for that look on your face when you ask someone what they do for a living and they say, “I’m a writer,” and you say, “A writer?” and they say, “Yeah. I mean, I take care of people’s cats, but I also write plays,” and then you say, “Plays?” and they say, “Yeah,” and you say, “About what?” and they say, “Cats.”

  Dagwoodie |‘dag, who dee|

&n
bsp; noun

  Mortifyingly having to hold your biology textbook in front of your jeans when a Foxx walks by.

  ALTERNATE:

  Throwing a rodney.

  Steve Winwood cover art.

  Dangle |‘dayn gul|

  noun—pejorative

  Someone hard to love.

  D’Artagnan |‘dee are tan yan|

  person

  French guy who was hell with a cutlass and also really knew how to haybale a wench. The fourth Musketeer.

  Deano at the Copa |‘dee know at da co pah|

  noun

  Dean “Deano” Martin was a singer your grandmother probably loved, who sang like he was doing an impersonation of a life-sized martini glass gargling pomade. The Copacabana was an old-school nightclub in Manhattan where Pacinos and Goodfellas and Sopranos of every stripe hung out and left bad tips for the hat-check girls.

  Death of a Salesman |‘deth off a cels mun|

  noun

  A play about Willy Loman, famous sad sack, written by Arthur Miller, famous husband of numerous blonds.

  Dick Flavor |‘deck flah vah|

  noun

  The type of Private Dick you would prefer to hire.

  Diego Rivera |‘die ay goh riff er a|

  person

  Iconic Mexican painter, muralist, and avowed Communist. This, of course, was back when being a Communist meant you supported the right of your sharecropper uncle to own a tractor. Rivera was known to render a mustache in fresco now and again, as well as having notoriously big appetites. He also liked to knock out the occasional mural with his wife, Frida Kahlo, who was relatively unknown until the mid-nineties, when she enjoyed an inexplicable renaissance in the form of refrigerator magnets, dorm calendars, farmers’ market T-shirts, and ironic postcards.

  Diktatorat LE |‘deck tah tah rat el ee|

  noun

  Long, sleek, and black, the Diktatorat LE sedan is the preferred vehicle of third-world dictators, elderly Polish émigrés, the hearse-obsessed, and those wishing for personal or political reasons to average under six miles to the gallon.

  Disco Atomic |‘dees ko a tom ek|

  noun

  A girl so unbelievably smoking that she makes nearly any guy within a hundred-mile radius of her radiance immediately come to the brute realization that he’s spent his life foolishly and without true reward.

  Disco rodney.

  Dongtower |‘dahng t’wer|

  noun

  A mythical place from which the obviously self-satisfied look down upon their lessers.

  Dragon Rider Series |drag ann rhi dah ser es|

  noun

  They’re dragons! They’re scaly! They breathe fire! They knock stuff over with their tails! Some of them are really wise! Some of them are evil! Sooner or later the wise ones are approached in their mountain lairs by some cloak-y dude with a long white beard and gnarled staff about coming together to fight a common evil, and then a dashing young prince kills the dragon that wears an eye patch with an amazing arrow shot, and then all the little elves in the village dance around the fire except the surly, fat, comic relief elf, who sits under a tree swilling grog from a pewter stein while mumbling rude things into his multiple chins.

  Dr. Phil |dok tah fil|

  person

  Who gives advice anymore, anyhow? Do this, do that. Tell her you like her casserole. Tell him his snoring doesn’t bother you. Recent polls show that 97 percent of Americans say we should form a mob, storm Dr. Phil’s Pedantic Advice Castle with torches, shave his mustache, rub him down with pork fat, and then throw him into a moat teeming with starving piranhas. Want some advice, Doc? Use the aerodynamics of that waxed head to help you swim faster.

  Easter Island |‘e stah ah lant|

  place

  Also known as Rapa Nui, this island is farther from any other landmass than anywhere else on Earth, which is excellent in and of itself. Add to that the fact that the island is ringed with massive carved stone statues of bemused heads? Awesome. The statues are so big, it’s almost impossible to imagine how the indigenous tribespeople could have moved them into place with Stone Age tools. Like, it almost had to be aliens. Or Kirk. Or Khan. Either way, it makes for the best episode of In Search Of since the one about Bigfoot.

  Ed Lecter |ed lek tah|

  person

  Hannibal the Cannibal’s older brother, known on the streets alternately as “Ed the Marrow-fed” or “Eddie the Transfusion-ready,” Lecter frère aîné owns a small bar in downtown LA called The Overlook Pub and Single Girl’s Disappearing Place that enjoys a certain renown for its affordable tapas menu. A notorious wearer of argyle-scented cologne, Ed is said to regularly forget young Hannibal on the family’s Secret Santa list. His lone film credit comes from a small role in the Cannes-feted indie darling Blood Guzzling Stranger II: Welcome to Conveniently Isolated Summer Camp.

  Em Effer |ehm f ah’|

  noun—pejorative

  [trans.] Mother Copulator.

  Entrenched |en ‘tren ched |

  verb

  [trans.] To be in a long-term and pointless relationship, usually since the first week of school, with a guy or girl who stopped even bothering to look good since you’re there pretty much every day and there’s no one left to impress.

  The Fack Cult T |duh fa cult ee|

  noun

  The name of the clique of teachers, administration, and school staff. All teachers are Fack Cult, but some are more Fack than others.

  Farck, Farcking, Farcker |‘phark|

  adjective, noun, verb, adverb, you name it

  What do you think it means? Grow a sac already.

  Fat Man and Little Boy |‘phat mun n lee tle boi|

  noun

  The names of the two bombs dropped on the civilian populations of Hiroshima and Nagasaki respectively.

  Feedback Queen |fheet bak kween|

  noun

  Half-hippie, half-metal kid who likes long screechy guitar solos and thinks anything even vaguely resembling a melody or chorus is a total sellout.

  Fish stick |‘fish ,stik|

  noun—pejorative

  A total stiff, loser, bore.

  Flavor Flavah |‘flay vo flay va|

  noun

  A brand of clear, inorganic syrup used as a taste booster and general food topping. Slogan: “The Natural Flavor Enhancer!” Claims to have no trans fats despite the fact that it’s 93 percent trans fat and 96 percent bacon-based. Somewhat famous for its desperately catchy advertising jingle: “Put it on cereal, put it on toast, put it on anything Mom shoves in front of you most! Flavor, flavor, flavor, flay-vah!”

  Cousin of that guy who wore a big clock around his neck.

  Folding Green |‘foal d’n ghreen|

  noun

  Cash. Money. Dinero. Moolah. Smackers. Simoleons. Franklins. Filthy lucre. Cheese. Pesos.

  “Freebird” |‘fr burt|

  noun

  “Freebird” is the title of a song. The band that played it is still touring, even though they all died in a plane crash in 1977. This seeming contradiction does not change the fact that for years there was always someone in a crowd at any given show who would yell out “FREEBIRD!” either ironically or with genuine hope, mostly because it’s sort of a twenty-six–minute hillbilly onanistic solo-jam extravaganza. And also because people holding six-dollar lite beers tend not to be particularly original.

  Free Range |‘fuh rhee rayn juh|

  adjective

  Braless (applies to all females and certain mansiere males).

  From Crayons to Perfume |‘fram kray enz tu perfume|

  phrase

  Oh my Bob, did I, your minimum-wage glossary-entry writer, have a crush on Lulu back in the day. Yeah, Lulu, who sings the theme song of To Sir, with Love. Sidney Poitier acts in that one, playing the cool teacher who connects with the tough inner-city kids, but Lulu, man, up on that table belting it out? It was instant sheer love. “From crayons to perfume” is the best line in the so
ng.

  Full of Spleens |‘fu lah splah en ez|

  adjective

  Not telling the truth.

  Packed with extra internal organs.

  Gat |‘ghat|

  noun

  A gun.

  Get Ventilated |ghet ‘vent hil at ed|

  verb

  To take a bullet. To be shot. To open some extra breathing room through the miracle of random ballistics. Hey, remember that movie Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever? Man, not only was that movie really, really stupid, it also made no sense at all. Even the title is hopelessly convoluted and annoying. The feeling here is that Antonio Banderas was never a good idea in general.

  Get Your Nose Open |‘ghit yer nos op enn|

  phrase

  Be overly interested in, have a crush on, head over heels over and unwilling to listen to reason about.

  Gimcracks |‘jim krakz|

  noun

  Cheap jewelry. Baubles and bric-a-brac.

  Glark |‘gah lurk|

  adjective

  The sound your throat makes when something’s caught deep in there, like, say, a dried gob of Flavor Flavah. Or the words “I love you too, Mom.” Or, like, “Hey, thanks for putting me through college, Grandpa.” But, also, when the girls are practicing with the carrots in the Ridgemont High cafeteria. Or when that guy you know with eyes like a dead haddock decides he’s going to show off by eating three cheeseburgers before you’ve even finished half your pimento loaf, and then you think he’s joking when he turns purple but after a while you realize the burgers got caught in his throat, but you don’t do anything except stare, and Haddock keeps going glark… glark… glark, and then that weird kid who hasn’t said four words since fourth grade rushes over and gives Haddock the Heimlich and a long tube of undigested cheese-bun comes out of him whole and he breathes with relief, and then people clap and someone does a story about Silent One in the school paper and two months later he ends up going to the prom with that ridiculously hot Finnish girl just because he was the one who got up off his ham and acted first.