You Killed Wesley Payne

by Sean Beaudoin

  Godot |‘gah doh|

  person

  Who you gonna call? No, wait, that’s not it. Who you waiting for? Yeah, that’s the one. Venkman? No, Beckett. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? No, French existentialism.

  Grow a Sac |‘groh uh sak|

  phrase

  Man up. Cowboy up. Be courageous. Get ’er done. Stop whining. Tough it out. Have some stones. Rub some mud on it and get back in there, son.

  Guernica |‘gwere nee ka|

  noun

  Picasso’s famous painting about the bombing of civilians in the small Basque town of Guernica during the Spanish Civil War.

  Hand Gallop |‘hä nud gal urp|

  noun

  What they used to say would give boys hair on their palms. Or make them go blind.

  ALTERNATE: Tongue Gallop |‘tahng gal urp|

  Take a guess. Rhymes with flow knob.

  Hedda Lettuce |hed uf ‘let is|

  noun, Lactuca sativa

  adjective—pejorative Not very smart.

  Hedda Hopper’s less talented sister.

  Hong Kong Phooey |häng käng ‘pfhoo ee|

  adjective

  Describing a situation that goes totally haywire and ends poorly for everyone.

  Huffed Up |‘hof ed ap|

  verb

  Confronted. Stood up to.

  Insertable |en ser ta bahll|

  adjective—pejorative

  A total probe.

  Jett Rink |zhet rink|

  person

  James Dean’s character in Giant, who possibly sported the coolest hair in celluloid history.

  Jimmy Hoffa |‘jee mee huff uh|

  person

  Former Teamsters boss whose body and head disappeared and will almost certainly never be found. He’s rumored to have been deconstructed and then poured into the concrete footprint of Giants Stadium in the Meadowlands, New Jersey. Apparently, he pretty much thought he was indispensable among people for whom he was pretty dispensable, especially Aldo “Two Times” Carnesecca and Morty “The Hatchet Killer” Bastrianno.

  Joe “Mama” Besser |‘yo ma ma bess a|

  person

  Legendary drummer who spontaneously combusted onstage.

  Joe Strummer |‘jo stram ur|

  person

  Lead singer and guitar player for The Clash. Don’t like him because you think liking him somehow makes you cool by association, LOVE him because loving him makes you want to find a length of lead pipe and smash your TV into tiny non-VH1 bits.

  Johnny Rambo |‘jon e ram bo|

  person

  Provolone Stallone at his leanest and meanest. First, he saved a small town from Brian Dennehy’s appetite, and then he saved eighties-Vietnam from a dangerous influx of fairness, intelligence, and historical perspective. It turns out, ideologically, steroids are more effective than Communism. “He’ll eat things that’ll make a billy goat puke.”

  Judas |‘zhu das|

  person

  Dude got a bad rap, was apparently only following orders.

  Ka-Ra-Tay |kah rhuh tay|

  noun

  The way you’re supposed to pronounce karate. Mostly stands for all the different iterations of the martial arts, but tends only to really work in the movies and on your eight-year-old cousin.

  Knob |nhob|

  noun—pejorative

  Relative of the nub. Impugning of size. Not needing any extra space in the front of your 501’s.

  Krispy Kreme |kree spy kreeme|

  noun

  The Donut’s donut. A big, steaming, massive, calorie-packed, deep-fried, sugary wad of oil-soaked dough that is occasionally also stuffed with lardy custard. People drive across state lines for these babies, buy a couple dozen at a time, and then scarf hard, washing them down their muscular esophogi with 128 ounces of Mountain Dew. Not recommended for diabetics, the ripped-abs crowd, or those likely to be bothered by the ethics of eating something which, if lit on fire and hooked up to a generator, would slowly release enough kinetic energy to power most of Eastern Illinois for a month. See also: Cinnabon.

  Krugerrand |crew gur end|

  noun

  A one-ounce gold coin minted in South Africa and known to be popular among thieves, embezzlers, derivatives traders, and Nevada politicians; since they have no set value, each coin’s worth is directly tied to the overall bullion market.

  LeadWig Wittgenstein |led wig wit gen styn|

  person

  The very dumb finger-sniffing younger brother of famed Viennese philosopher and author of Tractatus Logico-Philisophicus Ludwig Wittgenstein. Rumored to have invented Snausages.

  Lesser |‘lhez zer|

  noun

  Just what it sounds like, as in “You are my lesser, and I will now treat you as such.”

  Level of Suck |‘leh vul ahf suk|

  noun

  A quantifiable, mathematical scale rating based on the internationally used one-to-ten formula enabling disparate parties to find common ground in their assessment of a person, place, or thing.

  Lexington Cole |‘lehx n’ tan koal|

  noun

  A briefly popular but now mostly obscure fictional detective who helmed a poor-selling but long-lived series of cheap pulp novels read mostly by winos, grifters, vacuum salesmen, and the sort of lifetime academics who make a career decrying the dearth of good literature in public. Lexington Cole is known mostly for his biting cynicism, bare-knuckled pugilistic skills, world-weary womanizing, and impeccably ironed slacks. Among the most popular titles in the hundred-odd-volume series were: Rubble Blood Clang, The Ventimingian Caper, Her Shark Is Worse Than Her Bite, and You’ll Never Die on My Watch Again.

  Lorenzo Lamas |lur en za lam a|

  person

  Oh, the hair. Oh, the ropy guns. Oh, the acting chops. He was awesome on T.J. Hooker. What do you mean, What’s T.J. Hooker? It’s the cop show that destroyed Shatner’s girdle. What do you mean, Who’s Shatner? He’s the guy who defeated Khan and also yelled it repeatedly. What do you mean, Who’s Khan? He’s the wrath-filled waxed chest played by Ricardo Montalban. See: Adrian Zmed.

  Lurid |‘lor id|

  adjective

  Unbelievably and utterly cool.

  The Lusitania |lo si t nya|

  noun

  A passenger boat in the Cunard line torpedoed by the German navy in 1915, considered the instrumental act in bringing the United States into WWI. Most historians agree that it was an absolute tragedy the German navy didn’t have the aesthetic wherewithal to torpedo Leo DiCaprio while he was standing on the bow of the Titanic instead.

  Mad Max |med mex|

  movie

  Possibly the greatest movie ever made. You got Mel Gibson, back when he was young and not totally batshite, going totally batshite after these mean killer bikers who sort of nonchalantly kill his family, and then he chases them all across the Australian outback with a big black car and eventually runs a few of them over a couple of times. The bad guys’ names are the Toecutter, the Night Rider, and Johnny the Boy. Isn’t that enough? The sequel to this film, where the scariest guy in the whole movie wears assless leather pants and feathers on his shoulder pads, is called The Road Warrior.

  Marshall Stack |mur shel steck|

  noun

  The Marshall company makes really, really loud amps. If you balance a head on top of a couple of really large speakers, there’s your stack. Picture Jimi Hendrix standing in front of a wall of amps. Picture your eardrums blown out in the seventy-sixth row.

  Melon Watered |mel un wha turd|

  verb [trans.]

  Taking a hard one to the skull.

  Middle East Front |‘med dle est frant|

  noun

  Pretty much from Oman to Algeria, and all terrorist strongholds in between. We need to fight them there, so that we don’t have to fight them here, on the streets of downtown Akron.

  Milton Friedman |mil ton freed man|

  person

  King of the Ch
icago school of economic theorists/imperialists, he brought his own dispassionate brand of shock-monetism to Chile under the dictator/torturer Augusto Pinochet. Not only did he put the laissez in laissez-faire, he died wholly uncomeuppanced. Not to mention rich.

  Mission Proboscis Brown |meh shun prob az iz brun|

  noun

  Euclidians and other hand raisers who have their nose so far up Fack Cult’s T that they’ve actually come full circle and are now sort of giving them a hard time.

  Moloko Milk Bar |‘mal ak o milk bah|

  place

  Where Alex hangs out to listen to Beethoven.

  The place guys who name their bands after any phrase in A Clockwork Orange should be permanently incarcerated.

  Mr. Tibbs |mist ah tibs|

  person

  Sidney Poitier played him in the great sixties movie In the Heat of the Night, a movie in which Archie Bunker is a sorta likeable villain, and Sidney is one serious badass who’s all like “You better call me Mr. Tibbs, and you better mean it!” Yes, we are aware that there is a glut of Sidney Poitier references in this glossary.

  Nymphette |‘nihm fett|

  person

  Cousin of Boba Fett. Runs a little corner grocery on Dagobah.

  Occam’s Razor |ok hams ray zor|

  noun

  A crusty old dude who said “When you have two ideas, the simpler one is better.” Sure, it’s obvious now, but this is back when people were still eating raw chicken with their dirty fingers and thought sneezing was a way to expel the devil, or at least an allergic reaction to a Dave Matthews violin solo.

  One-Cheek Sneak |‘wan chik snik|

  noun

  Thinking you’re going to cut a silent one during the chem test and letting go of more than you planned.

  ALTERNATE:

  Carped Your Unders.

  On the Scuff |ahn thuh skf|

  adjective

  Running a tab, getting credit, owing money.

  On the Slum |‘ahn thuh sluh muh|

  adjective [attrib.]

  Girls from higher-end cliques hanging out at parties with guys a few rungs down the ladder.

  Packing a Saint |pok ing uh saynt|

  adjective

  Pregnant.

  Perv Idols |‘purv ah dos|

  noun

  Possibly the best underground band of the early nineties, led by hipster poster boy and antigrunge icon Ely Kyburg, who plays drums, scat, yella rock, screaming leads, and carnival rhymes. Best song is “Courtney Hole.” Second-best song is “Necrofeelyouup.”

  The Pesterton Boys Young Gentlemen’s Tales |‘pest ur ton boyz|

  title

  A much beloved middle-grade book series that follows the travails of brothers Joey and Jimmy Pesterton as they solve crimes and undertake capers in the small town of Plock’s Mill, Iowa. While derided by some as “a neutered fifties anachronism,” and “books that made me long for autism,” the Pestertons still enjoy brisk sales while continuing to find lost cats, thwart mustachioed traveling salesmen, and helping the owner of the Plock’s Mill Five ’n’ Dime identify shoplifters.

  Phallick |fal ich|

  adjective

  Shaped like what your sister’s Ken doll isn’t sporting.

  Pinkertons |‘penk u tonz|

  noun

  The Pinkerton National Detective Agency. A firm that made its name by foiling a plot to assassinate President Lincoln, the Pinkertons became the group of choice to be used as strikebreakers against miners and farmers and other such groups who had the audacity to demand wages and food and a slightly amended on-the-job death rate. The early antecedent of Blackwater.

  Pinky Tuscadero |‘peen key tusk er der a|

  person

  Never heard of Fonzie? It’s just as well. Pinky was the Fonz’s girlfriend on Happy Days, this show that was on TV forever back when your mom was still enthralled with the first Boston album. Pinky wore pink leather hot pants and drove cars in Smash-up Derbys and got killed or something in this one episode that coincided with her getting dropped from the show.

  Pleather |‘pleh thah|

  noun

  Plastic-feeling imitation leather that was popular among hipster college students, drag queens, hungry artists, and ironic punks. If you see some in a thrift store, snap it up at any price; it’s coming around again soon.

  Pompadour |‘pom poo door|

  noun

  Sort of the hair Fonzie wore; a big greasy flip-up of slicked locks that Elvis rocked hard and no one really has since except the Stray Cats and Governor Blago.

  President Forehead |pre sa dent fo het|

  person

  He was a male cheerleader at Yale but managed to make an entire country think he was a regular southern dude by buying a million-dollar ranch in Texas and cutting a lot of brush with a chain saw while gullible reporters took pictures. Then he went and played a round of golf, betting Rummy twenty bucks a hole that the gopher in Caddyshack was real.

  Private Dick |prhy vatt dik|

  noun

  A detective for hire.

  Probe |‘pah rha obe|

  adjective—pejorative

  Completely insertable.

  Prodigal Son |‘prah dag al sun|

  noun

  Remember how your older brother Kirk slammed the porch door and took off with all his stuff crammed into the back of his Toyota hatchback and lived in San Francisco for a few years without ever once calling Mom, and then out of nowhere returned and moved into the attic room and started mowing the lawn without being asked and suddenly it was like he and Dad could sit and watch painfully ironic hospital shows with Zach Braff in them and not have raging arguments about the remote anymore? Well, Kirk is prodigal.

  Proust |prust|

  person

  A Remembrance of Smaller Glossaries Past.

  Marcel Proust is a famous French writer, mostly famous for being a hip reference in the New Yorker or punch line in Woody Allen movies, but who no one actually ever reads anymore. His stuff is pretty dense. Old Marcel is also sort of famous for almost never getting out of bed, which leaves plenty of time for scarfing freedom fries and fey rumination.

  Pull Your Coat |pul yhor koat|

  verb

  Explain something, give information, show the ropes.

  Purse |prs|

  noun—pejorative

  A whiny little pussy, crier, snitch, or mommy-boy.

  A sum of money given as a prize in a sporting contest, esp. a boxing match.

  ALTERNATE: Murse |mers|

  A “man purse.”

  Rasputin |‘raz pew tahn|

  person

  The “Mad Monk.” This Russian mystic was rumored to have supernatural powers and is thought to have heavily influenced Czar Nicholas II to the point of bringing down the Romanov dynasty. Rent Anastasia for further research. “R-dog,” as he was known by the Russian peasantry, was stabbed, shot, and poisoned by his many detractors, but survived. Eventually, a group of nobles drowned him in the freezing Neva River, but some people think it didn’t really take.

  Readers of the Beats |ra drz a thu beehts|

  noun

  Guys who carry around copies of On the Road or well-thumbed Ginsberg chapbooks in an attempt to appear deep and enigmatic.

  ALTERNATE: Yawners of the Beats

  Those not falling for flashy literary tricks or the notion of profundity through addled spelling and bad grammar.

  Ricardo Montalban |rik ur doh mun la ben|

  person

  See: Lorenzo Lamas.

  Rimwipe |‘rhim why pah|

  adjective—pejorative

  A less than stellar personality.

  Rita Moreno |‘r tuh mer en oh|

  person

  She won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar in the Natalie Wood version of West Side Story but distinguished herself in several saucy stints on the ultimate down-on-his-luck-private-dick TV show, The Rockford Files.

  The Rubicon |rhoo ba conn|
<
br />   place

  The stream in northeast Italy marking the boundary between Italy and Cisalpine Gaul, which Julius Caesar and his troops crossed, violating Roman law and plunging Rome into civil war.

  Also, a great name for a car shaped like a fat little boy. Introducing the new Ford Rubicon coupe! It’s perfectly round so you don’t have to be!

  Rumpus |rhum phus|

  noun

  Commotion, action, problem, beef.

  Rush Soda |rhush tso da|

  noun

  Uncredited but highly sought-after homemade beverage. Usually found in reused water bottles or sports-drink containers with the labels ripped off. Utterly caffeinated beverage that appears to be more caffeine than beverage. Typically has RUSH! written on it in black Sharpie. Rumored to be addictive. In a good way.

  Saipan |‘cy pen|

  place

  The largest island in the Northern Marianas archipelago.

  Sheer Gravy |shir gray vee|

  noun

  Largesse. Free stuff. Extra goodness you didn’t expect.

  Shibboleth |‘chib o luth|