The Pain, My Mother, Sir Tiffy, Cyber Boy & Me

by Michael Gerard Bauer

  THANKS HEAPS, PAIN!

  Here’s all the messy, mucked-up details of what happened.

  After my talk with Sister Evangelista I decided to take her advice and try to see the ‘big picture’ – particularly the big picture of Jeremy Tyler-Roy’s over-the-top rejection of me. Why did he react like that? What was I missing? I needed answers, and my plan was to get them by confronting Jeremy face to face on the bus as we headed off on our last visit to Evensong on Thursday.

  I got my answers all right. Just not from Jeremy. And I didn’t even have to wait till Thursday either. I knew the whole story by the next day.

  It was lunchtime. I’d just bought myself a carton of iced coffee to go with a fat slice of Mum’s delicious homemade apple pie (part of my unique ‘happy, but not always healthy, weight fluctuation program’). I was sitting alone (What? You’re kidding!) at one of the lunch benches in the playground, trying to make some sense of that scene with Jeremy in the resource centre. Maybe he’d had some kind of a hyper-allergic reaction to me? Maybe he was super-sensitive and really hated to be disturbed while he was reading? Maybe he was some kind of a weird alien life form that actually did get a buzz from having its tongue stapled to the ceiling?

  While I was pondering those wide-ranging theories, some girls moved into the bench behind me. I didn’t bother to see who they were, but I was vaguely aware of laughing and chatting in the background. Then, while I was prising open my iced coffee, I heard Jeremy’s name mentioned. I listened more closely. (And yes, this time I definitely was eavesdropping!) More laughing and giggling followed. But there it was again. Jeremy’s name, clear as a bell this time.

  When I turned round I saw Chloe Zelnich, along with my old Emergency Department buddies, Jazzmin Mellors and Courtney Summers, sitting at the next table. Chloe and Jazzmin were in hysterics over something. Courtney was looking slightly bewildered.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ I asked.

  There was a bit of a stunned silence. Jazzmin and Courtney were obviously shocked that I had used words in their company. I couldn’t blame them. We hadn’t exactly been ‘chatty’ since the night I became the Human Vodka Vesuvius. Chloe was the one who reluctantly answered.

  ‘Well, if you must know, we were laughing about Jazzmin playing the best trick evaaaaaar on Jeremy Tyler-Roy. Not that it’s any of your business.’

  Everything inside me cramped up, tight and tense.

  ‘A trick? What do you mean? What kind of a trick?’

  Chloe didn’t seem that fussed on providing a more detailed explanation, but fortunately Jazzmin was only too happy to take over.

  ‘I pretended to ask him out, didn’t I? Told him that I thought he was “cute and really, really smart” and he bought it! He actually thought that I would seriously want to go out on a date with him. Can you imagine it? Me and Germy Cyber Boy? Me and the Nerd King getting it on? What an absolute cack! You should have seen his face when Chloe started busting a gut and he realised it was all a joke. Priceless!’

  Jazzmin and Chloe fell about laughing again. Courtney just sat there staring at me with a stupid frozen grin on her face. If anything, she actually looked a bit sick. Probably worried that I’d been skolling vodkas for lunch and was about to throw up on her.

  But I wasn’t laughing or grinning. I was standing up from my table and walking over to theirs.

  ‘When was that, Jazzmin? When did you play that … trick?’

  Jazzmin and Chloe finally recovered enough to disentangle themselves from their giggling embrace. They looked annoyed that I was interrupting their hilarity with yet another question.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. A couple of days ago on the bus to school. Monday probably. Yeah. What does it matter, anyway?’

  Then Jazzmin looked at Chloe. ‘Me and the Dark Nerd!’ she squealed and they both collapsed against each other again, cackling with laughter. It cranked up quite a few more notches when Jazzmin accidentally snorted.

  And that’s when I did it. The thing that fast-tracked me to the Principal’s office that afternoon.

  While both girls were lost in hysterics, I went back and gathered up my lunch and before anyone knew what was happening, I’d tipped my whole cartoon of iced coffee all over Jazzmin Mellors’ beautifully combed and intricately plaited long blond hair. And then, while she was frozen in horror and gawking at me with her big mouth open like a whale shark, I pushed Mum’s delicious apple pie into her stunned face.

  No one was laughing any more. Certainly not the teacher on playground duty who was running our way and screaming at me.

  Now normally, as a mature young adult, I’d be perfectly willing to accept full responsibility for all my shocking actions. However, I think any reasonable person would agree with me that it was, essentially, ALL THE PAIN’S FAULT!

  Yes, I know that I did the tipping and pushing. Not denying that for a second. But it’s a simple matter of cause and effect, isn’t it? As I’ve already pointed out, if The Pain hadn’t started the snowball rolling by eliminating Jason Price from my life, then everything wouldn’t have built up into the huge avalanche it eventually became, and I wouldn’t have been carried away by it all and been virtually forced to waste my lunch giving Jazzmin an iced coffee shampoo and a deep cleansing apple pie facial on the house.

  Unfortunately, I knew for a fact that none of that would make the slightest difference to Principal Chalmers.

  If my life really was a tapestry as Sista Lista claimed, then it was painfully obvious that I was in desperate need of a new weaver!

  29

  Prepare the prisoner for execution

  That afternoon, instead of attending my normal lessons I found myself beside Jazzmin, Chloe and Courtney in Principal Chalmers’ office.

  It was like an episode of Judge Judy, only Mrs Chalmers, sitting behind her desk with her perfectly behaved hair, stern face and power suit, was twice as big as J.J. and three times more intimidating. She also seemed less amused than usual. If that was even possible.

  The four of us were sitting on chairs in front of her impressive desk. Courtney was on the left, then Chloe, then Jazzmin. Then there was a gap to me (the accused) on the right. Jazzmin had cleaned herself up, but her hair was still flat and damp and she was wearing a replacement school tunic borrowed from the secondhand clothing shop. It was worn and faded and didn’t fit very well.

  I felt bad.

  Mrs Chalmers tapped her pen three times on her writing pad.

  ‘Right then, ladies,’ she said, ‘this is how it will work. You speak one at a time. You will not raise your voice or talk over each other. You will tell me exactly what happened and why. You will not leave out any detail. And then, when I’m satisfied I have the full story, I will decide how we move on from here. Is that understood?’

  A row of bobbing heads indicated it was. Absolutely.

  ‘Excellent. So who’d like to start the ball rolling?’

  Jazzmin’s head swung round to me.

  ‘She poured iced coffee all over me and then she shoved a pie in my face. That’s assault, that is. She’s mad. She assaulted me. My mother’s a lawyer, so I know. What she did is assault. I’ve been assaulted.’

  Sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Are you saying you were … assaulted?

  Jazzmin was about to go on, but Mrs Chalmers held up a hand. ‘Thank you, Jazzmin. But we’ll stick to the facts from now on without the personal commentary and the amateur dramatics.’

  Then she wrote something in her diary (I was praying it wasn’t the word ‘assaulted’), and without looking up said, ‘Have you anything to add to that, Chloe?’

  ‘No, Miss. What Jazzmin said is right. That’s totally what happened.’

  ‘Courtney?’

  There was silence. Mrs Chalmers’ eyes peered up over her reading glasses.

  ‘Courtney, do you agree that is what happened?’

  A whisper came from the opposite side of the room. ‘Pretty much. Yes, Miss.’

  Then it was my turn. Mrs Chalmer
s studied me for a couple of agonising seconds.

  ‘So, is it true, Maggie? Did you do those things?’

  I nodded. What else could I do? If this was a proper trial a shocked murmur would have swept around the courtroom. Instead, just a slight frown creased Mrs Chalmers’ perfectly made-up face.

  ‘You know what I’m going to ask you next then, don’t you, Maggie?’

  I surely did.

  Principal Chalmers held her expensive-looking silver pen poised over her open diary.

  ‘So … why did you do it?’

  Yep, that was the biggie, all right. The answer to that question would determine my fate. It was like the difference between being sentenced for first-degree murder rather than justifiable homicide. (Was there such a thing as justifiable assault with food and drink?)

  I looked over at Jazzmin. She was watching me. There was no threat in her eyes. More like dread for what I might be going to say next.

  ‘I heard Jazzmin say something I didn’t like … about a St Gregory’s boy.’

  The concerned look in Jazzmin’s eyes deepened.

  ‘I see,’ Mrs Chalmers said, raising one eyebrow a little. ‘And does this boy have a name?’

  ‘Yes, Miss.’

  Mrs Chalmers waited.

  ‘And that name is?’

  Did I have to? Mrs Chalmers raised an eyebrow. Apparently yes.

  ‘Jeremy Tyler-Roy, Miss.’

  Principal Chalmers stopped writing and slowly passed her eyes over all four of us.

  ‘Jeremy Tyler-Roy? I know the Tyler-Roy family well. Lovely people. His two older sisters came through here. Jeremy’s a brilliant student. A little shy, but a gorgeous boy.’

  I wanted to hug her when she said that. But I didn’t. For fairly obvious reasons. Meanwhile, Jazzmin’s face was beginning to match her white tunic.

  ‘So what exactly did you hear Jazzmin saying about Jeremy that caused you to act so badly, Maggie?’

  The worried look had now gone completely from Jazzmin’s eyes. It had been replaced by straight-out fear.

  ‘Chloe and Jazzmin were saying something about Jeremy and then Jazzmin … called him a nerd.’

  Mrs Chalmers’ pen hovered over the page itching to write more.

  ‘And?’

  Jazzmin closed her eyes. I was sorely tempted to reveal everything about the cruel trick she’d played on Jeremy, but in the end, I decided that I’d already dumped enough crap on her for one day. So I shook my head.

  ‘And nothing, Miss Chalmers … I guess I got angry … and just … lost my temper.’

  Everyone’s head was now raised, and everyone’s eyes were locked on me.

  ‘That’s it?’ Mrs Chalmers asked. ‘You heard Jeremy called a nerd and you reacted the way you did?’

  I nodded. Principal Chalmers’ eyes drilled into me. I didn’t feel that keen on hugging her any more. Finally she turned away.

  ‘And you all agree with this description of the events?’

  Despite the slightly bewildered expression on their faces, Chloe and Jazzmin managed to nod. It took a moment, but eventually Courtney followed suit.

  ‘Then I’m afraid that even though I find any form of name-calling or labelling hurtful and immature, I can’t help but think that this is at best a mild case and your response, Miss Butt, by any standards seems to be a gross overreaction. Outrageous, in fact. I am disappointed and surprised by it. You have acted with unacceptable aggression and I will not be dismissing it lightly.’

  That’s that then. Guards! Prepare the prisoner for execution.

  ‘But,’ Mrs Chalmers said, swivelling around in her chair, ‘before I officially decide on a course of action, I’d like to hear a little more from you … Courtney.’

  Courtney Mellors jumped like she’d been stuck with an electric cattle prod.

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Yes, Courtney, you. So far you seem to be the casual bystander in all of this and that makes you a key witness here. So what I would like to know is, do you also agree with the events as Maggie has described them? Or do you have something you would like to add that might help provide a more … complete … picture of what took place?’

  Courtney looked as if she didn’t want to utter another syllable of speech in her entire life. In fact she looked in desperate need of a sick-up bag. Her cheeks were blotched with red and white patches and she was staring hard at her hands, which were twisting together in her lap. When the words did come, they tumbled out like a rock slide.

  ‘No, I don’t think there’s anything I can add, Mrs Chalmers, really I don’t. I definitely heard Jeremy Tyler-Roy called a nerd. That’s true. I remember that word being used. And Maggie definitely got angry and upset and did that with the iced coffee and pie even though I’m sure she’s really sorry about it now and would never do anything like that again. Just like I’m sure that Chloe and Jazzmin really didn’t mean anything bad by making fun of Jeremy or calling him a nerd. I’m sure they thought it was just a silly joke, just a bit of fun, and the same with the prank Jazzmin played …’

  Courtney stopped dead. Her mouth was hanging open. One hand shot to the side of her face. She looked like half of that kid from Home Alone. It almost made me laugh. Chloe and Jazzmin weren’t amused though. They were glaring at Courtney as her hand moved to cover her mouth. But it was too late. She’d already said the P word. It was like someone had tossed a chunk of meat into the cage of a hungry lion.

  Mrs Chalmers pounced.

  ‘Prank? That’s the first I’ve heard any mention of a prank. I want to hear more about this prank.’

  I did a Courtney and stared at my hands. There was silence. Then Mrs Chalmers’ voice came through again. Calmly and steadily. Like a calm and steady scalpel cutting right through you. Luckily for me, I wasn’t its intended victim.

  ‘Jazzmin. I want to know about this prank of yours. I suggest you tell me all about it … now.’

  Beside me Jazzmin squirmed on her seat.

  ‘It wasn’t really a prank, Mrs Chalmers. Not at all … I … I was just being stupid … and I sort of … pretended … that I … secretly really liked Jeremy and … wanted to go out with him, that’s all. I didn’t really think he’d ever believe me. I mean it was just a joke, a stupid joke. How was I to know she was going to ask him to the graduation dance?’

  I spun round in my seat. For a second I forgot where I was.

  ‘Who told you that? I never told anyone about that.’

  ‘Jeremy did. Sort of. On the bus the next morning. He started going on about how he hadn’t been stupid enough to fall for it a second time. He mentioned your name as he was getting off, but I didn’t have a clue what he was raving on about. I only worked it out after you … assaulted me …’

  Mrs Chalmers held up a hand and leant forward.

  ‘So … let me make sure I’ve got this straight. You, Jazzmin, play your nasty prank on Jeremy and then shortly after that, Maggie, you ask Jeremy to go to the graduation dance and he thinks you’re part of the same prank, gets understandably upset and … turns you down?’

  ‘More or less, Miss,’ I said.

  Mainly more.

  Mrs Chalmers looked pleased with herself, as if she was some famous detective cracking a case.

  ‘And then later, Maggie, you overhear Jazzmin and Chloe in the playground talking about the prank, and when you find out what they’ve done, you respond in the manner we’ve already fully established. Is that the gist of it, girls?’

  Four heads nodded back at her. Excellent gisting, Mrs Chalmers!

  ‘I see. Nothing anyone wants to add in their defence?’

  One small voice answered. ‘At least I didn’t assault anyone.’

  I’ll let you guess who that was.

  Mrs Chalmers’ stony face became even stonier.

  ‘Perhaps not physically, Jazzmin.’

  She then wrote a final note and slowly closed her diary.

  ‘Well, I have to say that this is a sorry and disappointing affair all
round and certainly not the behaviour I expect, and demand, of St Brenda’s girls. It goes without saying that it ends here and now and forever. All four of you will return immediately to your classes. Jazzmin and Maggie, you will both come back to my office after school to pick up a letter I will be writing to your parents explaining this whole situation and the actions I have decided to take. I will be asking that your parents ring me to verify they have received the letter and to discuss the matter further. If all that is clear, then you may go.’

  It was. So we did.

  As soon as the door to Mrs Chalmers’ office closed behind us, Jazzmin turned on Courtney. ‘Thanks a lot for getting me into trouble! You and your big mouth!’ Then she and Chloe shot a double corpse face look her way before marching off arm in arm without once looking back.

  Courtney Summers watched them go. I felt sorry for her. And responsible. I knew what it felt like when people abandoned you.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’m sure they’ll get over it. It was an accident what you said. A slip of the tongue. Anyone can make a mistake. And I should know, right!’

  Courtney nodded absently but didn’t respond. We walked out of the front doors of the administration building together before heading off in opposite directions for our classes. I’d only gone a few metres when my name was called. I turned round. Courtney was standing there facing me. She waited a moment before speaking.

  ‘You know that slip of the tongue you mentioned?’

  I nodded. Courtney shrugged her shoulders.

  ‘It was no accident.’

  We both stared at each other for a second or two and then a tiny smile worked its way on to Courtney Summers’ face.

  ‘Ooops,’ she said.

  Before I could think of what to say in return, she was gone.