The Pain, My Mother, Sir Tiffy, Cyber Boy & Me

by Michael Gerard Bauer

  30

  Right there in front of me

  Mum wasn’t too thrilled when she read Mrs Chalmers’ letter. Who’d a thought? She was, however, quite keen to hear more about ‘this Jeremy boy’, but I wasn’t in the mood to share.

  Just for the record, here’s what Mrs Chalmers decided Jazzmin and I had to do to make up for our crimes. First of all, we both had to write an official apology letter. I had to write one to Jazzmin, and Jazzmin had to write one to Jeremy. Not so bad. I think I would have done that anyway, even if I wasn’t forced to. Then we both had a six-hundred-word essay to complete. Not so good. Mine was Why it’s important to think before you act. Courtney’s was Why it’s important to be sensitive to the feelings of others. On top of all that I got hit with a week of afternoon detentions. A week! Majorly bad. Anyone would think I’d assaulted someone. (But thankfully, not Jazzmin’s lawyer mum. Or if she did, at least she didn’t feel the need to press charges.)

  The next day at school it was obvious that phones and social media had been running hot over the Mad Maggie Culinary Assault Incident.

  She had a pie and iced coffee for lunch but you won’t believe what she did with them!

  It was just like after my Sleepover from Hell. I could feel eyes burning into me even when I couldn’t see them and I just knew that every whispered or unheard conversation was about me. I spent most of the day with my head down, keeping to myself.

  So yeah, pretty much situation normal.

  That afternoon we had our last nursing home visit. I was looking forward to it. At least Bert wouldn’t be judging me or talking behind my back, plus the trip there would give me the chance to explain to Jeremy how wrong he was about me. I was going to wait till he boarded the minibus and took up his usual window seat, then slide in next to him so he couldn’t get away. It was a genius foolproof plan!

  It didn’t work.

  Mainly because Jeremy wasn’t on the bus. We found out from Miss Cheong that he’d been chosen to attend some special science seminar or something. Chalk up yet another ‘very close’ almost there’ for Maggie Butt! But at least the visit itself went well and helped to cheer me up quite a bit.

  There was more cat talk at first, but then Bert went on to tell me about what his life was like when he was my age. After hearing his stories, I told him that I didn’t think I could have survived back then and he laughed out loud. It was sad having to say goodbye when our session came to an end, but I made a promise that I’d make some weekend visits in the future. Amazingly, Bert didn’t appear too terrified about the prospect. I left our last official meeting feeling much better about myself than when I arrived.

  It was when I was heading out the front doors of the home that I saw a familiar face. It was Lily from my first visit. Apparently she’d been on night shift, which explained why I hadn’t seen her around since the first day. She stopped for a chat.

  ‘How did your visits go with old Bert? Chew your ear off, like I said?’

  I laughed. ‘Not really. But it was good.’

  ‘So what did you two find to talk about, then?’

  ‘Not much at first. But cats mostly in the end.’

  ‘Ah yes. I’d pick him as a cat man, old Bert. I’m glad it was a good experience for you both. He really is such an amazing human being. A real inspiration.’

  Amazing? Inspiration? Not exactly the words that leapt to mind when I thought of Bert Duggan. Nice maybe. Harmless, yes. I guess Lily must have read those doubts in my face. (What can I say? Actors, expressive faces, remember?)

  ‘You don’t agree?’ she said, smiling.

  Now I just felt mean and embarrassed.

  ‘No. Mr Duggan’s great. I just … I don’t know. He’s lovely but … it doesn’t seem like he’s … done much of anything in his life.’

  Lily closed her eyes and clicked her tongue.

  ‘He didn’t tell you about the children, then.’

  ‘Children? He said he didn’t have any children. Or any close family left either. He told me he never got married.’

  ‘Not his own children. I mean the kids he supports overseas. The foster kids. Been doing it ever since he earned his first pay cheque as far as I can work out and it built up over the years. There’s a stack of shoeboxes tucked away in his room stuffed with World Vision photos and letters going way back. I don’t think he’s ever spent anything on himself, just collected every cent he could spare and sent it off to poor kids around the globe who needed it more. His big project since he’s been here has been an orphanage in Cambodia. Anything left over from his pension goes straight there. Plus all his winnings.’

  ‘Winnings?’

  ‘From competitions. He enters everything he can. Always flicking through magazines looking for new ones to have a go at. He’s good too. That’s how I found out about all this in the first place. He won a television a while back and he asked me if I could help him sell it on ebay. I’ve sold quite a few of his wins since then, and every bit of the money goes straight to the kids.’

  ‘He didn’t tell me any of that.’

  Lily laughed.

  ‘Well, he wouldn’t, would he? That’s Bert for you. It’s never about him. I guess that’s why he finds it hard to keep up a conversation sometimes. All I know is this. Bert Duggan mightn’t have done much of anything in his life. But he’s done a powerful lot of good with his life. He’s actually made it possible for lots of kids with nothing to have one. Pretty amazing and inspirational if you ask me.’

  It was.

  On the drive back to the school I couldn’t stop thinking about Bert. All that time we’d spent together, with me blabbing away about myself, and I’d never really seen him. Not properly. Not the real Bert. I only saw a nice, harmless old man. He was sitting right there in front of me and I’d missed the ‘amazing’ part of Bert Duggan completely. Probably everyone beside Lily did too. Even Bert himself.

  I spent most of that return trip wishing there was something I could do to change that.

  By the time the bus pulled into the school carpark, I knew there was.

  31

  We hothead types

  As a result of my iced-coffee and apple-pie indiscretion, Mum grounded me for the entire weekend. (Told you she wasn’t thrilled.) This meant I wasn’t able to go out partying with my friends or anything. Which of course made that weekend very difficult to distinguish from every other weekend of mine.

  I did feel bad though, especially when Mum had to ring Mrs Chalmers and apologise for her lunatic daughter. So in order to ease my guilt and to get back into Mum’s good books, I decided to volunteer to help out with what had now progressed from The Big Butt Backyard Blitz to The Big Butt Backyard Rebuild. I also promised that I’d have another shot at being ‘pleasant and reasonable’ to The Pain.

  The Big Butt Backyard Rebuild itself was already well under way. Mum had done a lot of replanting and The Pain had installed a bird feeder and a fish pond. But there were still gardens to be mulched, a barbecue area to be tidied up and some new turf to be laid. My ‘guilt-easing’ and ‘getting back into Mum’s good books’ opportunity presented itself early Saturday morning when The Pain rolled up at our place in his old station wagon pulling a trailer filled with bags of chip bark. He began unloading them and stacking them on our lawn. I couldn’t put it off any longer. I threw on some old clothes, took a deep breath and headed out to offer him my ‘pleasant and reasonable’ help.

  The Pain stopped unloading when he saw me coming.

  ‘Maggie May. How goes it?’

  ‘Okay, I guess. Ummmm … you need any help with anything today?’ I said as pleasantly as I could.

  The Pain staggered backwards and grabbed at his heart.

  ‘Whoa! Who are you and what have you done with Maggie?’

  ‘Fine,’ I said as unpleasantly as I could and turned to leave.

  ‘No, Maggie, wait, wait, wait. Please. I was just joking. I’m sorry. I’d really love your help. Really.’

  I reluctantly
turned round and waited.

  ‘Look, I need to return the trailer to the hire place straightaway, so just let me unload these bags and wheelbarrow them around the back first. But after I get back, I could definitely do with your excellent raking skills to help spread the chip bark over the gardens. How does that sound? Probably won’t need you for a half hour or more, and then you will be able to do your hard labour to atone for your crimes against humanity and your mother.’

  I stared at him.

  ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you can make up for …’ And he did a mime of pouring something over my head and pushing something in my face.

  Great. I must have already been a hot topic of conversation between him and Mum.

  ‘Right. So she told you.’

  The Pain nodded. He reached over to grab another bag but then stopped and looked back at me.

  ‘I’m not saying it’s right,’ he said, ‘but if it’s any comfort, just between you and me, given the circumstances I might have been tempted to do the iced coffee thing too. Don’t tell your mother.’

  There was no sneaky smile on his face.

  ‘The pie in the face on the other hand? That was definitely overkill. I’d like to think I would have drawn the line there.’

  He might have been The Pain. But he was right. An iced coffee shower and a pie in the face? That wasn’t me. What was I thinking? When did I become that person? I was shaking my head at my own stupidity.

  ‘Don’t be too hard on yourself, Maggie May,’ The Pain said. ‘If you were my daughter, I’d much rather you did the wrong thing because your heart’s in the right place than do something that showed no heart at all, like those other girls.’

  I forced a croaky word out of my mouth. A word I’d never imagined myself saying to The Pain.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘No worries. At the risk of offending you, I actually think we might have a bit in common, you and me. I think we both can get a little … fired up sometimes … and maybe do things without really thinking them through. Things we might regret. For example, and you’ve probably forgotten all about this I know, but recently I was involved in a regrettable incident concerning a young lad and a certain item of clothing.’

  I smiled before I could stop myself. But only for a moment.

  ‘Yep,’ The Pain said, ‘we hothead types definitely need to stick together. Look out for each other. Pull each other up when we’re getting out of line or going too far. After all, isn’t that what hothead friends are for?’

  And for just a fleeting second there, I started to think, Hey, maybe The Pain’s not such a pain after all. Until he put a hand on his chest and stuck the other one out in front of him and broke into a song about how I could count on him for sure, ‘cause that’s what hothead friends are for.

  He was still humming to himself when he went back to unloading.

  I thought about leaving and returning when I was needed, but something made me stick around. Something I’d been wanting to know. Something unfortunately only The Pain could tell me. I watched him drag another bag of chip bark off the trailer. And then I forced the words out.

  ‘You were there … in Emergency that night … when I … you know.’

  The Pain paused in mid-lift.

  ‘That I was,’ he said, and dropped the bag on top of the stack on the lawn.

  Time to get some answers.

  ‘I suppose I must have looked pretty … stupid … like some pathetic joke.’

  The Pain thought for a moment before answering.

  ‘No. You looked like someone who needed help. And no one was laughing at you. Certainly not me. Not then. Not now. Your mum told me all about that night and what led up to it. You had a lot to deal with.’

  Right. Time to ask the question.

  ‘Ummmm, but speaking of being stupid and pathetic. Mum told me that I might have said some … embarrassing things … without realising it … some really embarrassing things?’

  The Pain’s head dropped forward.

  ‘Aaaaaah, yes, of course. The Robby Spears thing.’

  ‘What? No! Mum said there was something more embarrassing than that. Only she wouldn’t tell me what it was.’

  The Pain’s eyes widened and he pretended to go a bit dizzy.

  ‘What? More embarrassing than the Robby Spears thing? Does such a beast exist? Did she mention the ten kids?’

  ‘Eight!’

  ‘Right. Eight. Like that really tones down the embarrassment factor.’

  The Pain ran his fingers through his hair and gazed off into the distance.

  ‘Well … let me think here.’

  He was gazing and concentrating for quite a while before he turned back and spoke again.

  ‘But not the Robby Spears thing, you say?’

  ‘CAN YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT THE ROBBY SPEARS THING?’

  ‘Oh, I’m trying to, believe me. That’s what the therapy’s been for.’

  Full throttle, super-sized, special collector’s edition corpse face.

  The Pain mumbled an apology and then after a few more seconds of distance gazing, he clicked his fingers and slapped his forehead with his open palm.

  ‘Oh, I know what it would be. Yes, definitely more embarrassing – especially for your mum. Yep, that would be it, all right. Have to be. No doubt about it.’

  I waited. Nothing. He was certainly nailing his role as The Pain now. It was an Oscar-winning performance. Well, two could play at the waiting game. Waiting. Waiting. Wait …

  But not for long.

  ‘So what was it, then?’

  ‘What was what?’

  ‘What was the really embarrassing thing I said, obviously!’

  ‘Huh? Oh, that. Well, I don’t know if I should say. I mean, if your mother didn’t want to tell you herself, then perhaps it’s best if I respect her wishes and not go blabbing it about everywhere …’

  ‘JUST TELL ME ALREADY!’

  The Pain held up both hands.

  ‘All right. If you insist. But as far as your mother is concerned, you didn’t hear it from me. Deal?’

  ‘Okay. Yes, fine. Deal.’

  The Pain dropped the stupid look from his face.

  ‘It was something you said about her.’

  My stomach flopped over in a death roll. Oh god. Did I have a go at Mum about Dad? About the divorce? Did I blame her for everything?

  ‘Mum? What? What did I say about Mum?’

  I waited as The Pain drew in a deep breath then released it slowly.

  ‘You said … that you loved her, Maggie.’ Now it was my turn to breathe out.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yep. You said it loudly. And repeatedly. You also said something weird about you and your mum living in a castle or something and you were very keen for everyone to know that no one in the world was good enough for her. Not even Robby Spears. I thought that was a big call at the time. Not any more, of course.’

  The Pain smiled and clapped his hands.

  ‘And then you threw up everywhere. Mainly on me.’

  ‘Oh, god …’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional,’ he said, before narrowing his eyes. ‘Or was it? Anyway, it’s all sick-up under the bridge now. And at least it stopped you going on about your mum, for which she appeared eternally grateful. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone turn redder than your mother did when you were saying how great she was. I started falling for her, right there and then.’

  The Pain frowned hard over his sneaky smile.

  ‘Her daughter? Not so much.’

  He was dragging the final bag off the trailer when something in the car seemed to catch his attention.

  ‘Oh, that’s right. Almost forgot. I have some exciting news just for you, Maggie May.’

  ‘Exciting news? For me?’

  ‘Absolutely. Today is your lucky day.’

  ‘Why? What is it?’

  ‘I’ve finally found someone to take Sir Tiffy off your hands.’

  32
<
br />   As thick as thieves

  I struggled to process The Pain’s last words.

  ‘What …’

  ‘A friend of one of the nurses I work with has this small property a bit outside town, and they often take in injured or sick animals. They already have a couple of cats but they said one more won’t hurt, so it’s all good. I’ll be able to take Sir Tiffy with me when I leave this afternoon.’

  ‘But … will he be all right … living in the country?’

  ‘I’m sure he will.’

  ‘But how do you know? He’s used to the city. And being inside. What if all those big farm animals frighten him? And what if the other cats don’t like him? What if they pick on him? He’s heaps better than he was, but he’s still not that strong, you know. He still needs help with some things. How will they have time to look after him properly when they’ve already got all those other animals to take care of? Are they going to be able to brush his coat every couple of days like I do so it doesn’t get matted again? What if they forget his tablets? What if he refuses to eat his food? You don’t know how fussy he is if I’m not there to feed him. What will happen then?’

  The questions were certainly pouring out of me.

  ‘Look, they’re really good people. Kind people. They know animals. I’m sure Sir Tiffy will be fine.’

  ‘But what if he’s not fine? What if it’s too much for him? I mean he looks tough, but he’s not. He’s really a big softy. And he’s just got settled in here, and now you’ll be taking him to a scary new place where he’ll have to start off all over again. He’s not young. He’ll be all confused and frightened. He won’t know what’s happening to him. He’ll be all alone in a strange place. He won’t have any friends there. He –’

  The Pain held up his hands again.

  ‘Wait up. Hold on. I’m only trying to get him settled somewhere permanently. Like I promised you and your mum. What are you saying, Maggie? What do you want me to do?’

  ‘I don’t know … Maybe he should just … stay here. Stay where he is. Mum wouldn’t mind.’

  ‘No. I’m sure she wouldn’t. In fact she told me that herself. It’s just … that she thought … well we both thought … that you …’