All Our Lives

by Violet Haze

  Where did they go?

  I hate them for not taking me.

  I love them.

  I can’t see. It’s so bright.

  “Mommy! Daddy!” I’m scared. I yell over and over. “Mommy! Daddy! I’m scared!”

  People walk by and stare me. Then, keep walking.

  Not my mommy. Not my daddy.

  But they look so nice.

  I’m hungry. Maybe they have food.

  “Help me!” I run up to them. “Mommy and daddy left me alone. I’m hungry.”

  They stare down at me, frowning.

  Why are they mad at me? What did I do?

  Then the pretty lady smiles.

  “Sweetie, why don’t you come with us? We will find your mommy and daddy.”

  “Caroline, we can’t just take the girl off the street!” The man has a loud voice, but it doesn’t scare me. “Let me call the cops.”

  He has a nice voice. I decide I like these people.

  I take the lady’s hand while the guy calls cops, whoever they are.

  Why did mommy say people are mean?

  I think I like them more than my mommy and daddy.

  ~*~

  “Joce?”

  Tobias is stroking my cheek.

  I swat his hand away, opening my eyes to find the room still dark. “Why is your hand wet?”

  “You’re crying.”

  “What? No, I’m not. I was sleeping.” I bring my hand up to my face and wipe the wetness away. “Don’t mess with me.”

  I can’t see his face, but I know he’s close.

  Then, near my ear as he takes the lobe in his mouth and nips it. “I’m not. You were crying in your sleep; your sniffles woke me up.”

  “I—“ Not sure I can tell him, I turn on my side and face away. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” He wraps his body around me from behind, resting his chin on my upper arm. “Instead, tell me what’s wrong.”

  I know he won’t leave me alone until I give in, so I sigh and say, “A dream. At least, I think it was just a dream. It was weird though.”

  “Hmm?”

  “There was a little girl. She wakes up all alone, her parents gone. She waits, but they don’t come back. So, she goes outside even though she’s scared and runs to this couple on the sidewalk. The whole time she’s thinking she’s hungry, and how her mommy always said all the people outside are mean; that she shouldn’t go out there.”

  I pause, and Tobias gives my arm a reassuring squeeze.

  “That is sad.”

  I shrug his hand off and he removes it as I turn back over, making our bodies touch.

  “That’s not the worst part.” I place a hand on his shoulder and scoot close, resting my head in the crook of his neck as his free arm wraps around me. “T-the woman takes her hand and says they will help her find her parents, while the man says that he will call the cops. T-the man was my father; the woman my mother. A-and…,” I take a shuddering breath, “the little girl was me.”

  I’m so close I feel his breath catch against my cheek.

  “Your mother and father? As in the ones who left the little girl alone?”

  “No.” A tear slips down my cheek. “My parents — Derrick and Caroline.”

  I drag myself out of his arms and sit up, reaching over to turn on the light.

  Tobias’ brow is furrowed in confusion, trying to understand what I’m saying to him. And as another tear slides down my cheek, my lower lip wobbles as I explain.

  “My f-father…he was just trying to protect me. He didn’t want me to know and never planned to tell me.” His eyes widen, but I don’t stop. I can’t stop. “We g-got into a fight before I went off to c-college. He told me they adopted me. He said both of them loved me from the moment I put my hands in theirs. I had no idea…”

  I can’t even finish the sentence. I know it was no dream, but a memory I had no idea lurked inside my mind.

  Tobias pulls me back into his embrace and wraps his arms around me as the tears I bottled up inside me years ago finally find their way out. His arms tighten as he lifts one hand and begins to stroke my hair.

  After a few moments, when the tears slow, he asks, “How did your mom…pass? Your father never said.”

  “Um.” I swipe at my eyes, trying to wipe the tears away, and failing. “I was twelve. She…she died in a fire at her work, along with a few co-workers. They were trapped and couldn’t escape in time.”

  “Fuck’s sake.”

  I lift my head and look up into his face. “Why don’t you know this? I know you did a background on me; that’s the only way you could’ve figured out I don’t have any family.”

  “No.” He runs a hand through his hair, frowning. “I didn’t delve that far. I only knew she wasn’t alive, not how she died.”

  I nod, then bring my eyes back to his as mine fill with tears once more. “I loved them. I never got the chance to tell him ‘sorry’ — all I could see was my own anger at them keeping such a secret from me. And what for? They took me in; they loved me. He died thinking…thinking I hated him. That was the last thing I ever said to him before I left for college.”

  “That’s not true.” Tobias cups my face in his palm, smiling. “He talked about you all the time. He was very proud of you. He never told me why you two weren’t talking, but his love for you…it shown in his eyes, in the grin on his face every time he said your name. You were his joy.”

  His words don’t take away the pain; after all, I’ll never get to hear my father says those words. I’ll never get to say sorry for the way I acted either. But a little of the vice around my heart, and the anger at myself I’ve been carrying around, dissipates a bit at knowing my father loved me even when I hadn’t deserved it.

  In addition, I feel lucky that Tobias is the one who could give me such information. I return his touch, stroking his cheek with my thumb as I lean in and kiss him on the mouth.

  “Thank you. I haven’t said it before now, but thank you for being there for him. For being his friend. For telling me that. I wouldn’t have blamed him for being mad—“

  Cutting off my words with a finger over the lips, he grins and shakes his head at my statement. “It was my pleasure. I loved your father. And if you want to thank me,” he slides his hand down until it’s skimming my breast, cupping it and squeezing gently, “how about you show me instead?”

  I roll my eyes. “You’re such a man.”

  “You love it.”

  I don’t reply, moving to turn the light off before turning back into his arms.

  A place that is starting to feel more than temporary.

  And more like where I belong.

  His lips descend on mine before that thought can make me panic, our mutual pleasure becoming the main focus.

  ~*~

  “Brynja is dead?”

  I swallow the bile rising in my throat, frozen where I stand, as the man I hate answers.

  “Yes. I had to kill her. She would have told them the plans she heard. That cannot happen.”

  A loud thump — I assume Brynja’s father hit his hand against the desk — and then he says, “You must continue with your plans to get rid of her. She mustn’t marry my son. Though I do not know how we will cover up a two deaths so close to one another.”

  “We do not announce your daughter’s death. Tell them she ran away; they shan’t know the difference. She has always been a wild one.”

  “’Tis a relief I have other daughters I am able to marry off.” Her father laughs as the sickness rises from my chest. “A man must have ways to pay his debts, after all. Get gone and do your duties.”

  Foot falls head toward the door. I back away, panic rising as my eyes dart around, searching for the closest place to hide.

  He mustn’t find me.

  I know it is I they were speaking of.

  I am in love with his son.

  And they have somehow discovered our plans to marry.

  Opening a door I know to be a closet, I
close it and hunch down, praying he doesn’t realize someone has been listening. I hear him pause outside the door and my breath catches.

  Brynja is dead.

  He killed her.

  My love will be devastated.

  His uncle killed his sister and now, he planned to kill his nephew’s fiancé.

  As his footsteps retreat, I wait a few moments before leaving the small space, running for my life.

  I must warn him and we must make a run for it tonight.

  Before it is too late.

  CHAPTER THREE

  I jerk awake, hand covering the pounding of my heart, as I take in my surroundings.

  The brightness of the sun streams through the window announcing the morning’s arrival.

  Which tells me one very important thing, overshadowing the dream: I’m late for work.

  “Shit!” Turning my head to the left, I lift my right arm and poke him in the side. “Let me up. I’m late!”

  “Mmm, no,” he mumbles, pulling my body closer to his, trapping my left arm between us. “Shh. Go back to sleep.”

  “You can sleep all you like; I have to work.”

  “It’s Saturday.” He opens one eye and tugs me even closer. “Plus, you took this weekend off remember? We’re going to move your stuff today.”

  Ah, yes, that’s correct. “Right,” is what I say out loud.

  I forgot that I decided moving in would wait until after we were married. With him being gone those weeks before the wedding anyway, it had worked out perfectly.

  His hand starts roaming as I let go of the fear I’m late for work, only to have the dream find its way back in. I turn my face, finding him with his eyes closed once more even as his hand continues to caress my body, the strokes almost rhythmic in their motion. Down my abdomen, over to the left, fingertips skimming back to near my breasts, back down, to the right and up.

  It’s oddly comforting.

  What is even more strange is the utter contentment I feel while lying here.

  I don’t really dwell on things. It’s not in my nature and never has been. I decided I was in and here I am. I may not have liked the inevitability of my situation, but I accepted it. I don’t question how I feel anymore, or why he wanted to marry me, or if our marriage will even be successful.

  The only questions that remain, for me, are if he feels the same connection to me as I do with him.

  If he has dreams.

  If he knows more than he lets on.

  “What’re you thinking about?”

  His words interrupt my thoughts, his eyes still closed.

  How does he do that?

  He chuckles, opening his eyes to stare into mine. “Your body tenses when you’re deep in thought. That’s how I do it.”

  My face heats as I realize I asked that out loud.

  “Joce.” His snicker turns into a full blown laugh. He brings a hand to my face, cupping it as his thumb strokes my cheek, eyes twinkling with amusement. “You’re so beautiful when you blush like that. Tell me what you were thinking about.”

  I lick my lips, mouth going dry at the fear of telling him about the dreams, and having him end up laughing at me. His eyes drop, darkening. My breath hitches as his cock hardens even more against my leg, begging for my attention. I turn in his arms, bringing my arms up to wrap around his neck as he smiles down at me.

  “On second thought,” He lowers his head, his mouth capturing mine for a second before he pulls away enough to whisper, “we’ll talk after I have my early morning snack. I’m starving.”

  Before I can respond, he rolls me over and under him, pulling the comforter over both our heads with a naughty chuckle.

  Encasing us in darkness and for the moment, saving me from potentially looking like a crazy person.

  But I know I’ll have to tell him soon because an instinct I can’t explain is telling me these dreams are more than just a distant memory.

  ~*~

  Our early morning snack turns into two, after which we both promptly fall back to sleep.

  Making us late to start moving things from the apartment to the house.

  We shower and dress quickly; when we finally arrive, Iris and Dexter are sitting in the living room.

  “Hey! Sorry we’re so late—“

  My apology is interrupted as Iris jumps up and envelops me in a tight hug, squeezing all the breath out of me. “Don’t be sorry! We both knew you two would probably be late, didn’t we Dexter?”

  She tosses him a wink as she releases me.

  Dexter runs a hand through his hair, looking up at me with a grin. “Yep. I’m still waking up myself. Iris and I stayed up way too late drinking. Celebrating you getting married, of course.”

  Behind me, Tobias laughs and I join in. Iris rolls her eyes and sits back on the couch.

  Taking his hand in mine, I smile up at him.

  For a moment, I feel awkward and a little sad. This is the end of one part of my life and the beginning of another.

  I must be making a face because Tobias squeezes my hand reassuringly.

  Tightening my hand in response, I look back over at my friends, asking, “Ready to help me get these boxes out of here?”

  Dexter jumps up, pulling Iris with him, both turning to face me. “Anything for you, Joce.”

  That’s when the room blurs around me and I slam my eyes shut.

  I’m running through the woods.

  I must find my love. If they find me first, they shall kill me just like they killed his sister.

  I must tell him they killed his sister.

  My eyes blur as I stumble toward our meeting place. I know he is waiting for me.

  We never meet at the same time, knowing such predicability could end up getting us killed.

  Today.

  Today is the day when we run.

  We have no choice.

  The sun is going down, but I know my way.

  A path I have traveled many times, and one I know after tonight, I shall never travel again.

  I never see it coming.

  The dark seeps in and I am grabbed from behind, my mouth covered, my scream silenced before it ever has a chance to escape.

  A sweet smell fills my senses and as the darkness from the sky becomes the darkness in my mind, I register one final thought.

  Tonight is the night I die.

  “Joce! Wake up, right fucking now!” Tobias taps my cheek as I moan. “That’s it. Open your eyes, love.”

  My eyelids heavy, I drag them open to do as he commands, discovering his total domination of the space around me. He’s placed his body over mine as I lie on the carpet, resting on his elbows, his face mere inches from mine.

  “I’m taking you to the hospital.” His voice is tight, his jaw clenching as his eyes fill with worry. “This is the second time—“

  “No.” Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly, then frown. “The hospital won’t be able to do anything; I’m not sick.”

  “Not sick? You’re passing out randomly. You don’t sleep like you should.” His voice rises. “You wake up gasping for air.”

  I can’t see Iris or Dexter, but I hear them murmuring somewhere behind me. My chest constricts, the worry about what they’ll all think like a vise around my heart. “I…”

  His face softens even as his eyes blaze. “If you’re not sick, then what’s the problem, Joce? Are you narcoleptic?”

  The unexpected question elicits a bark of laughter from me. I shake my head. “I wish I was. Let me sit up.”

  He moves out of the way and offers a hand. Once I’m sitting up, he scoots close to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. Then, Iris and Dexter sit down facing me; all of them look at me expectedly.

  Their stares are too much for me and I drop my eyes into my lap. “I’ve been having dreams.” I look up, catching Tobias’ eyes with my own and give him a weak smile. “Beyond the dream I told you about last night. I started having them weeks ago, and sometimes, they happen when I’m awake.”

&nbs
p; “Suppressed memories?”

  “I don’t know; I don’t think so. The one I told you about yes. These others…they involve different…times.”

  “Wait,” Dexter says, causing me to drag my eyes away from a wide-eyed Tobias to look at him. “What dream did you tell him about? I’m lost.”

  And here I am, about to tell one lifetime friend, and another from college who has become like a brother, the real reason my father and I stopped speaking. I move my eyes to focus on Iris as the words spring forth. “I had a dream that when I was three, I woke up from a nap to find my parents gone. I was afraid to go outside, but eventually, I did. And I ran to a couple, asking them to help me. I told them I was hungry and that my mommy and daddy left me alone. I put my hand in the woman’s after she said they would help me, while the man told her he’d have to call the police.” I take a deep breath, then close my eyes briefly before opening them, whispering, “They were my parents. I was — no, I am adopted.”

  Iris glares at me, her eyes filling with tears. “How could you keep such a thing from me? You told me he was angry at you going so far away for school with me!”

  “I wasn’t ready to talk about it!” My own eyes grow blurry through my tears. I feel Tobias take my hand in his, but I focus my attention on Iris, wanting her to understand. “He never told me any details. Just that they adopted me. I don’t even know if that dream is true or what really happened. All I know is, my father told me at age eighteen. I felt betrayed and told him I hated him for keeping such a thing from me my whole life. He died and those were my last words to him!”

  With that, Iris leans forward, crawling the small distance to where I’m sitting and pulls me into a tight hug.

  “I’m sorry.” I hug her back. “Nobody is more mad at me than I am at myself, but I should’ve told you—“

  She shakes her head, sniffling as she releases me and leans back. “It’s okay, I understand. Tell us about these other dreams…”

  Giving her a smile, she resumes her seat next to Dexter as I tell them all about what I’ve dreamt, one by one. I don’t go into too many details, mostly citing the important parts. When I finish, Iris and Dexter are staring at me open mouthed; Tobias, on the other hand, looks thoughtful, his gaze intense and locked on me.