Clay looked over Jilly’s head and into Maddie’s teary eyes. She wasn’t angry or resentful. She was Jilly’s big sister, who wanted to help make her feel better. Clay couldn’t have been prouder of Maddie at that moment.
Jilly finally calmed down, and they went into the cafeteria. None of them were hungry at that point, but he urged the girls to eat something, even telling them they could eat dessert first as a special treat. Both girls looked shocked, especially Maddie, but it cheered them up, and they took him up on it. Jilly ate chocolate pudding before her chicken nuggets, and Maddie ate a big chocolate chip cookie. The girls even giggled as their father ate a piece of apple pie before eating his sandwich. After eating, they went back to say good night to Jess, then left the hospital and drove home. They were all physically and emotionally exhausted. Jilly fell asleep on the ride home, and Maddie sat quietly gazing out the window. Clay was also lost in his thoughts as he drove along the highway.
He’d wanted to believe in the magic of the moment as much as Jilly had. Jess’s favorite song played so beautifully by her beloved daughter. How could that not have brought Jess back? Musicians wanted to believe that their music was magical. That a song could heal all wounds and heartbreak. Of course, in reality, it couldn’t. But how lovely a dream it was. And how devastating dreaming could be.
Once home, Clay carefully lifted Jilly in his arms and carried her up the long staircase to her room. Maddie slipped off Jilly’s shoes and pulled her blankets back. Then her father gently laid her on her bed and covered her up.
“What about her pajamas?” Maddie whispered.
“We’ll let her sleep in her clothes. I’d hate to wake her. She’s had a rough night.”
She nodded as Clay headed for the door.
He turned and looked at Maddie. “Thanks for being so kind to Jilly.”
Maddie shrugged. “She’s my baby sister. It’s my job to be nice to her.”
He smiled. “And you’re my daughter. I love you, Madds. I always have and always will. I hope you will believe that someday.”
“It’s not your love that I doubt,” she said, looking up at him with tired eyes. “It’s whether or not you’ll stay.”
“Fair enough. Good night, Madds,” he said, then softly closed the door.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
2011–2012
After one month of rehab, Clay came home feeling healthier and thinking clearer than he had in years. He was ready to return to his life with renewed energy. Unfortunately, life had thrown their family an unexpected curveball, and Clay came home to more stress than he could manage.
While he was in rehab, Jess’s mother, Karen, had been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and was immediately put on an aggressive treatment plan. Jess was taking her mother to doctor appointments while juggling the girls’ summer schedules. Maddie was almost seven and had just started taking piano lessons and swimming classes. Jilly was a year and a half and was busy walking everywhere and getting into everything, needing constant supervision.
When Clay came home, he had no chance to slowly acclimate himself back into the daily family routine. In order to give Jess the time she needed to care for her mother, he had to immediately take over caring for the girls, which was stressful at times. He loved his family; he just wasn’t ready to jump into the middle of everything so quickly.
Maddie was also unusually clingy with her father, constantly following him everywhere and not wanting him to leave the house without her. She’d pout or cry if he left, even if it was for work, and wanted only him to do everything for her. She insisted that he drive her to piano lessons or swimming, and she would let only him take her to the park or beach. It was difficult for him to deal with her constant need for attention. Jess, herself under a lot of strain, told him to be patient.
“Maddie’s just reacting to you having been gone. She’ll calm down after you’ve been home a while,” she said.
So he took Maddie along to many of his recording sessions, and to her credit, she did sit quietly in the corner of the control room and watch him intently as he played guitar. Clay, however, was dealing with stress from all sides. After losing an entire month of work from being at rehab, along with the high cost of the rehab stay itself, he knew he had to take all the jobs offered him.
But Maddie’s clinginess and his being needed at home didn’t make it easy for him to work. The entire environment wasn’t conducive to staying sober, and after a few short weeks, he started drinking to relieve the pressure he felt. This time, though, he did a better job of hiding it from his wife. Overwhelmed with family needs and her mother’s illness, Jess didn’t seem to notice if Clay was a bit too happy, or walked a little wobbly at times. Clay wasn’t sure if she knew or not, or if she just ignored it, too exhausted to deal with him along with everything else.
Despite his drinking, Clay still worked, cared for the girls, and helped around the house as much as possible to make Jess’s life a little easier.
It’s not a problem. I’ve got this. At least that’s what he told himself.
Almost a year after Karen had been diagnosed, she lost her battle with cancer in April 2012. It had been a long, emotional year for all of them, and Clay felt not only sadness over Karen’s death but also deep compassion for his wife. It was Jess who planned the funeral, packed up her mother’s house, and took care of the sale of it. With only her grandmother to consult with over decisions, it was a huge responsibility for Jess to dismantle her mother’s life and say good-bye to her all at once. Jess’s anxiety spilled over to Clay as well. It soon became more than he could handle. But as usual, he and Jess forged on, together.
The next day, much to his surprise, the girls were up at their regular time and got ready for school. He mentioned to them at breakfast that they could stay home if they felt tired after their long day, but they decided to go. There was only a month and a half left of school, and they didn’t want to miss any more.
Clay was proud that both of his daughters were so dedicated to their schoolwork. He could certainly learn a lot from them.
He drove to the hospital and sat all morning with Jess. Most of the time was spent talking to her, telling her how talented Maddie was on the piano, gushing over Jilly’s sweet personality and swimming ability, and reporting how much work they’d finished on the house so far. He hoped that something in what he was saying would spark a response in his wife, but nothing happened. Still, he talked on, because he had to believe she heard him and eventually something he said would trigger a response.
In the early afternoon, Dr. Bradbury came in to check on Jess. Clay was glad to see him, hoping that he’d have news on her condition.
The doctor shook his head. “I’m sorry, but nothing has changed. I’ve tried taking her off of the ventilator several times, but to no avail. We’ve done every scan imaginable, yet nothing shows up. Her brain is functioning normally, so there doesn’t seem to be any damage. It’s just a waiting game at this stage.”
Clay sighed. “We’ve been waiting for three weeks, and nothing positive has happened. Can’t you give me any idea at all if there’s a possibility she will or will not wake up?” He was desperate for any news—good or bad—at this point. It would be better to know than to simply keep waiting.
“I’m sorry. Every patient is different. One can be in a coma a few days and wake up; another won’t wake for weeks. There’s still a good chance your wife will wake up any day now. Or even in a few more weeks. All we can do is wait.”
Clay wondered how other people continued to move on with their lives while waiting for a loved one to wake from a coma. Do you keep living as you normally would and hope they’ll wake up? Or do you put everything on hold until they do?
As he drove home, he thought of Maddie and how she wanted to finish the work on the house for her mother. At first, he’d thought it would be a waste of time. But now, he wondered if it was the right thing to do. If—no, when—Jess woke up, the place would be ready for her. But what if she didn�
�t wake up for weeks, or months, or years?
“Stop thinking that,” he said. “She will wake up. She has to!”
Right then and there, he made his decision. He’d proceed with the B&B for Jess, and even if she didn’t wake up in time for Memorial Day weekend, he would open it just the same. He was a musician, not an innkeeper, but he could continue to play music for a living no matter what happened. He was determined to do this for Jess. He believed that moving forward with opening the B&B would keep their faith alive that Jess was coming back to them.
He picked up subs for dinner and headed home. The girls were walking over from Eileen’s house when he stepped out of his car.
“Hey there. I brought dinner home,” he said cheerfully, lifting the bag so they could see.
As they ate, Clay told the girls his plans. “I’ve decided to open the house to guests even if you mother hasn’t woken up by Memorial Day. We’ll keep fixing the place up and have it ready.”
Maddie’s eyebrows rose. “I thought you didn’t want to open it without Mom.”
“I was hesitant, that’s true. But now I want to. Your Mom will be so happy that we continued with her plans when she does wake up,” he said.
Maddie grinned. “Okay. We’ll keep working. We still have to order the furniture she wanted for the last two bedrooms, and there’s still a few finishing touches left. We also have to plant the flowers around the house the way she wanted. And what about making breakfast for the guests? Who will cook?”
He frowned. He’d forgotten about the breakfast part of B&B. “I’m not sure what we’ll do about that. I’ll have to think about it. But we’re still moving forward.”
His older daughter nodded, obviously pleased. But Jilly didn’t look convinced.
“Dad? What if Mommy doesn’t wake up for a long time? Will you still want to stay here and do this? Don’t you want to play music?”
Both Clay and Maddie looked at her with surprise. He had thought that Maddie would be the one to bring up the fact that he wouldn’t want to run a B&B for the rest of his life.
“Well, sweetie, I’m not sure I can answer that right now. I still believe that your mommy is coming back to us. I don’t want to think any other way. If something changes, then we’ll decide what to do as a family, okay?”
Jilly nodded and stared down at her plate.
Her father placed a finger under her chin and raised her eyes to his. “Are you going to help me plant the flowers around the house?”
Jilly’s eyes lit up. She nodded vigorously.
“Good. I’ll need your help,” he said, smiling again. He looked at both girls. “So, are we in this together? As a family?”
Both girls yelled an enthusiastic yes, and he gave them each a high five.
Maddie rolled her eyes. “That’s so lame.”
But Clay saw her smiling.
Eileen and her children came over just as Clay was leaving to go to his AA meeting.
“The girls seem happier,” Eileen commented quietly to Clay at the door. “What happened?”
“We made a plan to continue everything the way Jess wanted it. We’ll open as a B&B on Memorial Day weekend no matter what happens.”
“I see. Well, I think that’s a good plan. Jess has put a lot of work into this place. I think she’d be pleased knowing that you’re continuing her work.”
“I agree. It will keep the girls busy too and keep them thinking positive. I’m afraid if we don’t keep moving forward, we’ll lose hope.”
Eileen nodded. “Have you thought about who will cook for you if you do open without Jess?”
“That’s the big hiccup in the plan,” he said. “I have to figure out something.”
“The local bakery makes a delicious variety of breakfast pastries. They’ll cater too. You could have them add cut-up fruit and juice and such. Or you and the girls could do that part. It’s something to think about,” Eileen said.
“That’s a good idea. Thanks. It would eliminate the need to hire a cook,” Clay said, feeling relieved.
“But, of course, we are hoping Jess will be here instead,” Eileen said.
He smiled. “Yes, we are. But it’s good to have an alternate plan.”
When Clay arrived at the AA meeting, Alex was already there, setting up the coffee and cookies. Clay offered to help and went to work.
“How are you doing?” Alex asked as he put out cups and plates.
“As well as can be expected,” Clay said. “I just told Eileen that the girls and I are going to move forward with the B&B plan for Jess’s sake. She helped me solve one of our obstacles too. Your wife is an amazing person.”
“I have to agree with you there,” Alex said, chuckling.
The meeting started, and for the first time since arriving in town, Clay felt optimistic. He stood and spoke about what had been going on in his life over the past week and how he and his daughters were staying positive and moving forward. He wanted to share this with the group so they could see that even when things were tough, you can still make the best of the situation.
When he arrived home, the sound of a piano and violin floated out into the cool night. Stepping inside the house as quietly as he could, he paused in the entryway, listening. Maddie played “Colour My World” perfectly, and even though Emma struggled to keep up, she was doing quite well for having just learned it.
When the music stopped, there was clapping in the living room. He smiled. Despite trying so hard not to be, his daughter was very much like him.
“I know you’re out there, so you may as well come in here,” Maddie’s voice called out.
He sheepishly came around the corner. “Sorry. I didn’t want you to stop. You both play so beautifully, I had to listen.”
Maddie stared at him a moment, her eyes serious. Clay thought for sure she was mad at him, but then she said, “Well?”
His brow wrinkled. “Well what?”
“You know you want to play along with us, so come on.”
“Really?”
Maddie gave a big dramatic sigh. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t mean it.”
Clay glanced over at Eileen, who gave him an encouraging smile, and then at Jilly, whose eyes lit up with excitement.
“Play, Dad. Please? And sing?”
Clay hesitated. He actually felt nervous.
“I’d like to hear you three play together too,” Eileen added.
“I’m in,” he said happily. After retrieving his guitar from his room, he pulled the desk chair over next to Emma. “Whenever you’re ready, Maestro,” he said to Maddie.
His daughter started playing the beautiful intro, and soon Emma’s violin joined in, and then Clay played, adding a rich fullness to the song. When he sang the soulful lyrics, the room became still, as all eyes and ears were on him. He didn’t notice as he sang, but when the song ended, he realized that everyone was staring at him in awe. Jilly’s eyes sparkled, Jerrod stared at him with wonder, and Eileen was brushing a tear from her cheek.
“Lovely,” Eileen finally said. “Absolutely beautiful.”
Eileen pulled herself together and announced it was time to leave. Emma packed up her violin, and Jerrod helped Jilly pick up the game they’d played earlier. Once they were at the door, Clay thanked Eileen for once again helping with the kids.
“My pleasure,” she said. She hesitated at the door, then said, “I knew you were a musician, but I didn’t know how talented you really were. What a wonderful surprise.”
“Thank you,” Clay said. A compliment from Eileen meant a lot to him. He knew she didn’t hand them out often.
After the Neilsons left, Clay walked back into the living room. Jilly had run upstairs to get ready for bed. Maddie had already closed up the piano and was turning off the lamps.
“Hey, Madds?” he said. “Thanks for letting me play with you and Emma.”
Maddie shrugged. “It was no big deal.”
“Yes, it was,” Clay said. “It was a huge deal to me.”
“Yes. We’ll make everything exactly as your Mom wanted it.”
“Okay.” She headed up the first few steps.
Clay drew closer. “Good night, Madds.”
Maddie stopped a moment, seeming to consider.
“Good night, Dad,” she finally said before running up the stairs.
His heart felt full.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
For the next two nights, he and the girls went to visit Jess after school. Jilly tried talking to her mom but soon grew discouraged. Maddie did too. Nothing they said elicited the reaction they wanted. Despite their excitement over the prospect of finishing the house, they still wanted only one thing—for their mom to wake up. But there was no sign of it happening. So they soon fell into silence, reading or working on their homework.
Clay hated to see them lose faith, but he understood their feelings. He realized it had only been three weeks, but that was a long time for those left waiting. He hoped that once they started working on the house again, it would renew their faith in Jess’s coming back to them.
The next morning, Maddie was already up and working on the yellow room when Clay came upstairs. She’d enlisted Jilly’s services to help with the taping and laying down plastic on the carpeting. He was delighted that Maddie had included her sister.
“It looks like you have this room under control,” Clay said cheerfully. “I was wondering about the furniture, Madds. You said your mother ordered it online?”
She nodded. “I have a list of the things she wanted for the blue room and the yellow room.”
“Maybe we should order it today. I assume it takes a while to get here,” he said.
“Not long,” Maddie said. “A week or so. But you have to put most of it together, and that takes a long time.”
“What? I have to put together furniture? Who did it for your mom?”
“She did most of it. Mr. Neilson came over and helped her with the heavy stuff. She put together all the bedroom furniture.”
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