Clay figured he’d need help from Alex too. “Well, why don’t we go order it now, and then you can work on this room later?”
Maddie set her things down. “Come on, Jilly. You can help me order the furniture.”
Jilly smiled brightly and came running.
“Thanks for letting Jilly help,” he said as he followed her downstairs. “You’re a good sister.”
She shrugged. “I don’t mind her helping.”
He smiled. Maddie could be moody and contrary and sullen toward him, but she was a good sister to Jilly. He knew, deep down, that she had a kind heart, and her anger with him was a front to keep him at arm’s length.
Someday, I’ll break through that wall she’s put up against me. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
There was a long list of furniture for the two rooms, and it was after noon by the time they’d placed the entire order. Clay suggested they go see Jess and have dinner afterward. Then they could work on the house awhile that evening. Maddie agreed, but Jilly was hesitant.
“Do we have to go to the hospital today?” Jilly asked, looking down.
“Of course we have to go,” her sister said, irritated. “Mom will want to see us.”
Jilly looked up at Maddie with sad eyes. “Mom doesn’t know we’re there.”
Maddie frowned and was about to reply when Clay placed a gentle hand on her shoulder to stop her.
Kneeling down, he looked Jilly in the eye. “Don’t you want to see your mom?”
A tear rolled down her cheek. “Mom can’t hear us. She just sleeps and doesn’t know we’re there. Why can’t we stay here and work on the house?”
“Sweetie, I know it’s disheartening seeing your mom lie there and not respond, but the doctor and nurses all believe she can hear us when we talk to her,” he said tenderly. “Let’s go for a little while so she knows we’re there, and then we can come home, okay?”
More tears fell. “I hate seeing Mom that way. It scares me.”
“Ah, sweetie.” Clay wrapped his arms around her. “I know this is hard. It’s hard for all of us. But we can’t give up on your mom. Okay?”
Maddie moved closer to them. “You have to come, Jilly. Maybe we can stop at your favorite place for chicken nuggets afterward, and then I’ll let you help me some more on the yellow room.”
Jilly looked from Maddie to her dad, wiping the tears from her face. “Can I get chicken nuggets for dinner, Dad?”
He smiled. “Of course you can.”
“Okay,” she agreed. “Maybe I can tell Mom that I’m helping with the yellow room.”
“Sure you can,” Maddie said, taking Jilly’s hand. “And that we ordered furniture, and you hit the ‘Order’ button.”
Jilly smiled up at her sister. “Okay.”
Clay watched as Maddie led her sister out into the entryway. His heart was a tangle of emotions. He was proud of the sweet way Maddie treated Jilly, but he was sad that Jilly hadn’t wanted to see her mother.
How much longer before both girls give up on Jess? How much longer before he did? He couldn’t bear to think of it.
With a sigh, he followed the girls out the door.
2012–2013
The summer after Karen’s death, Jess decided to take the girls up to her grandmother’s house in Northern California for a couple of weeks to decompress. Clay had agreed it was a good idea—the girls hadn’t seen much of their great-grandmother except at the funeral, and he had a two-week stint on the road during that time anyway. They could all take a breather and hopefully come back feeling refreshed. But being on the road with a rock band did not help him drink any less. He was proud of himself for not touching drugs of any kind or drinking hard liquor, but he drank beer freely and, more nights than not, ended up passed out in his bunk on the bus. Each day he’d tell himself he could stop, and each day he failed. He promised himself that as soon as he was home again, he’d quit cold turkey. He didn’t want Jess to be disappointed in him—again.
But once they were all back home, the drinking continued. Jess knew he was drinking, but he told her he had it under control, didn’t drive drunk, and only had a couple of beers here and there.
“I’m too busy to monitor your drinking,” Jess told him one evening after the kids were in bed, when they were lying together on the sofa, enjoying the silence. She looked tired, like she just couldn’t take on one more problem. “I have to trust you when you say you have control over it.”
Clay reassured her that he did, but as time went on, his thirst grew stronger. On days he was home, he tried to hold back and not drink a drop, but by noon he had the shakes, and by five he was a basket case. He started drinking at home in the evenings. Then it became more prominent in the afternoons. More and more, Jess wouldn’t let him take the girls to the beach or the park.
“I’ll drive them,” she told him, disappointment showing in her eyes.
Although Clay fought the urge to drink, he always lost. I’m not like my dad! he’d insist to himself, but the truth was, he was turning into his father.
Drinking became more important than being with his family. He spent longer hours than necessary at the studio, even going there when he had no job lined up. He’d meet his friends in a bar and not come home until late at night, long after Jess had gone to bed. He was missing out on his life with his children and his wife—yet he didn’t know how to find his way back.
“I miss you,” Jess said softly one night as he crawled into bed after being at the studio late.
He reached out and curled his body around hers.
“I’m sorry I’m gone so much,” he whispered in her ear. “It’ll get better, I promise.”
“Do you really need to work so much? We’re not wanting for money, Clay. We have enough money. It’s you we need. The girls miss you being home as much as I do.”
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
Jess rolled over on her back and stared up at the ceiling. “I miss the days when being together was all that mattered. When we spent the day together doing nothing important, just being together.”
He kissed her ear. “I miss those days too.”
She turned her head to face him. “It’s not work that’s taking you away from us. It’s your drinking. I know you think you’re hiding it, but it’s getting worse. Maybe it’s time you get help again.”
Clay sighed. “It’s not that bad. I can stop any time I want to.”
“Oh, honey,” Jess said with a sigh.
Guilt washed over Clay. He was hurting his wife, his girls, and himself. He knew that, but it still wasn’t enough to make him stop. He leaned over Jess and kissed her softly on the lips.
“I’ll try harder, I promise. I love you and the girls more than anything.”
Jess turned sad eyes on him. “I don’t doubt your love, not for one minute. But I’m not sure how much more I can take of your drinking. I just want you back, Clay. Like you were before drinking took you from me. Can’t you stop, for no other reason than because I need you?”
“I’ll try. I promise. I’ll try harder,” he said, wrapping his arms around her again. “Don’t give up on me, Jess. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I won’t give up on you,” she said softly.
Clay wanted more than anything to make Jess happy. He’d meant what he said, but keeping his promise was much harder than he ever imagined.
In late December, before Maddie’s school let out for Christmas break, the children were putting on a holiday show for the parents. Maddie was set to play a solo of “Jingle Bells” on the piano and was so excited to have her parents see her on stage.
“I’m going to be just like you, Daddy!” she exclaimed gleefully. “I’m playing a song on stage, like you do.”
Clay was proud of her. He’d heard her practice on their small electric piano and marveled at how well she played. The day of the program, he had to work at the studio for a few hours but promised Maddie he’d be there in time to hear her solo that e
vening. They made plans for him to meet them at the auditorium before the show began.
Right before the lights dimmed, Clay stumbled down the aisle, looking for Jess. He tripped once, righted himself, and finally saw her sitting up near the front. When he sat down beside her, she glared at him.
“Where have you been? You didn’t answer my texts.”
“I’m here now,” he slurred.
“You’re drunk. How could you come here like that?”
“I only had a couple,” he said, then crossed his arms and scrunched down in his chair.
He didn’t understand why she was so angry. He made it, and that was all that mattered.
Maddie’s part came, and she played her song beautifully. Everyone clapped enthusiastically and cheered, but Clay stood and was the loudest, whistling and yelling. People turned and stared, and Jess had to pull him back down.
“Stop it! You’ll embarrass her,” she admonished him.
When the program was over, he made a big deal over Maddie in the school’s common room, where cookies and punch were being served.
“A chip off the old block,” he said loudly. “She’s a musician, just like her dad.”
He stumbled around and spilled punch all over the floor, causing Maddie to turn red with embarrassment. Jess pulled him outside and insisted he ride home with them.
“I can drive,” he said indignantly.
“You’re drunk,” Jess said angrily, but not so loudly that the girls could hear. “Don’t you dare drive home.”
Finally he relented. Once home, he quickly passed out on their bed.
The next morning, Clay felt awful when Jess told him how he’d behaved in front of Maddie, Jilly, and the entire school.
“I’m so sorry, Jess. I didn’t realize I’d had one too many.”
“You drove drunk again last night,” Jess said. “You keep doing it no matter how many times I ask you not to. You’re going to kill someone, or yourself.”
“I can do better. Believe me. I’ll stop, I promise. Please don’t be angry with me,” he begged.
He hated seeing the disappointment in her eyes. He didn’t know why he couldn’t stop himself from being so irresponsible. He knew better than to drive drunk, and yet he continued to do it.
Tears filled Jess’s eyes. “How many more times will you say that, and it won’t be true? You have to go back to rehab, Clay. Please. I can’t do this anymore.”
Clay hugged her tight. “I can do this without rehab. I can. I’ll stop.”
But despite his promises, Clay couldn’t control his drinking, and once again in February 2013, he found himself in a rehab facility—except this time he was there for ten weeks.
Clay was determined for it to work this time. He did everything he was told, attended all the meetings and group sessions, and even began exercising. He found that running helped to control his anxiety and lessen his urge to drink. He ran every day and increased his distance little by little until he was running five miles every morning. He felt healthier than he ever had in his life, and his thirst for alcohol decreased. He thought for sure that this time he could stop drinking for good.
When he finally came home, he continued his running routine each morning and was able to stay sober. He went to AA meetings every week and felt he’d finally kicked his addiction. Maddie, however, was upset with him. She hadn’t been told exactly why he’d been gone, and it angered her that he’d leave them for so long. At first, she barely acknowledged his presence, and that broke Clay’s heart. But slowly, as the weeks went by, he won her over again.
“Promise you won’t leave us again,” Maddie said one day as they walked the beach holding hands. Jess was a few steps behind, watching Jilly.
“I’ll do my best, Madds, but I can’t promise. Sometimes I’ll be gone for work. But I’ll try not to be gone so long ever again.”
“Good,” Maddie said, making Clay smile.
In June, Clay and Jess celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary. A friend watched the girls while they went out for dinner. Afterward, they found themselves on the beach where they’d first kissed, but this time there was no beer along.
They sat together on the sand as they watched the sunset. Clay wrapped his arm around his wife and kissed her gently on the cheek.
“Ten years. It went by so fast. It hasn’t always been easy, I know. Do you regret any of it?” he asked.
Jess stared lovingly into his eyes. “No, not one moment. I love you, Clay. I’ll take the good with the bad as long as I can be with you, forever.”
Clay hugged her close. “I love you too, Jess. I’m sorry about the times I let you down. I’ll try to do better. I don’t want to disappoint you or the girls again.”
He meant every word; he just didn’t know how hard it would be to keep his promise.
Sunday morning, Clay and the girls were up early and went to the nursery to buy flowers for the yard. Maddie had Jess’s list and diagram of the flowers she wanted and where she wanted them planted. He marveled at how organized Jess was. She knew exactly what she wanted, thankfully, and it was a huge help to have her notes.
Once home, diagram in hand, Clay and Jilly began planting flowers in pots and flower beds around the house, exactly as Jess wanted. Maddie went upstairs to continue painting the yellow room. They had four weeks to get the place ready before Memorial Day weekend, and both Clay and Maddie were determined to finish it all.
That afternoon, they went to visit Jess again. Jilly brought along a vase of lavender that they’d bought especially for Jess. She set it on the window ledge near the now-empty vases from flowers that had died.
“Your mom will like those,” Clay told her. “They’re her favorite flower. Hopefully, she can smell the scent.”
Jilly smiled. She sat next to her mom and told her about the flowers she and her dad were planting and how they were following Jess’s instructions. “It’s going to look so pretty when you wake up, Mom. Everything is going to be exactly as you wanted it to be.”
At dinner in the cafeteria that night, all three talked excitedly about how the work on the house was progressing.
“Wait until you have to build the furniture,” Maddie said, a hint of a tease in her voice. “Mom swore a lot when she did it.”
He laughed. “Your mom swore? Then I suggest you girls stay far away from me when I do it. If it made her swear, I’ll be terrible.”
The girls giggled, and they talked about school coming to a close in only a month’s time and about Maddie and Emma’s upcoming duet. It was a typical conversation for any other family, but for Clay, it was special. This was the first time they’d all sat and talked normally—no jibes from Maddie or tears from Jilly. He only wished that Jess could be there to see how far they’d come in the past few weeks. She’d be so proud of him.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Monday was another typical day, with Clay spending the day with Jess at the hospital and then getting home in time to make dinner for the girls before taking Jilly to swimming practice. Maddie went along as usual to help Jilly dry her hair and change afterward. They were getting used to their routine, so much so that it was becoming normal. Clay hated that it didn’t include Jess, but he was happy the girls were accepting his presence.
Tuesday when Clay arrived at the hospital, he met Dr. Bradbury in the hallway.
“Good morning, Mr. Connors,” the doctor said, shaking his hand. “I’m glad you’re here. I’m going to try to take your wife off the ventilator again. It’s been a week since I’ve tried, so I’m hoping we have better luck this time.”
Clay followed the doctor into the room and watched as he reset the machine settings.
“Usually, our patient is awake, and we can tell them to try to take a deep breath to clear their lungs,” Dr. Bradbury said. “But in your wife’s case, we have to hope that the body will react on its own and she’ll take a breath. If she doesn’t within a set time period, I’ll hook her back up to the machine.”
Clay nodded
. He felt his whole body tense with nervousness.
“Don’t be alarmed if she suddenly coughs or sounds like she’s choking. That’s the reaction we want,” the doctor said.
He was poised to unhook the tube attached to Jess. “Ready?”
“Ready,” Clay said. He desperately hoped it would work. Breathing on her own would, at least, be an improvement.
The doctor unhooked the tube and stood back, waiting. Nothing happened for what seemed like a lifetime to Clay but was actually only a few seconds. Just as the doctor bent over Jess to reattach the tube, she shuddered. Her body tried taking in a breath; then she coughed. The doctor lifted her to a sitting position, and she coughed again. After a second, she took a deep breath, then another.
The doctor laid Jess back down and listened to her lungs and heart with his stethoscope. He smiled wide at Clay. “She’s doing it. Your wife is breathing on her own.”
Relief flooded through him as tears filled his eyes. She was breathing on her own. After all this time, he felt like they’d made progress. The doctor called in the nurse, and she detached the tubing from Jess’s face, replacing it with only a small oxygen tube under her nose.
“I’m giving her oxygen to make sure she is getting enough with each breath,” the doctor told Clay. “The nurses will monitor her progress and make sure she is breathing regularly and receiving enough oxygen. But it looks like your wife is doing fine.”
He gave Clay a reassuring smile.
Clay walked the doctor to the door. “I’m surprised with all the coughing that Jess didn’t wake up.”
“Sometimes it’s enough to jolt a patient awake, but not this time, I’m afraid. But don’t let that worry you. She’s breathing on her own again, and that’s a positive sign. Now, we wait again.”
Clay thanked the doctor and walked back over to Jess’s bed. The nurse had finished removing the tubes and had rolled the machine to the side. He assumed they’d want to keep it there awhile in case she relapsed. He prayed that she didn’t.
One Wrong Turn: A Novel Page 16