The Butcher Boy

by Patrick McCabe

  Goodbye now! Ting-a-ling! Whistle whistle bark bark – clear off dog! Morning guv! Same again next week? Wot’s that then? Two pounds of pork chops, a couple of kidneys and a sirloin roast. Oh and a couple of bones for Bonzo! No problem no problem at all guv! Ta-ra then!

  And off he goes bump bump bump. Cor strike a light darlin’ I says to this woman hanging out her washing.

  She screws up her face: Eh? she says.

  There you are again, Francie, Lord bless us you’re all over the place! the women’d say. Indeed I am I’d say and twirl the meat parcels across the marble top.

  There you are says the amazing Father Dom sorry father can’t stop to talk it was a different story now I reckoned with all these jobs I was important now and I had no time to waste gossiping. But especially to the likes of Roche who stopped me one day with the black bag and just stands there looking at me, out of nowhere again of course. Look Roche, I wanted to say to him, if you want to spoil things go off and spoil them on somebody else. I’m a busy man and I have things to do. I’m in charge and I have no time for fooling about and talking shite to the likes of you so go on now about your business and leave people to do their work in peace. That was what I wanted to say to black eyebrows Roche.

  I was fed up of him and everything to do with him and I’d tell him that too. But I didn’t and what the fuck does he do then only come over and I got a big red face on me I don’t know why he just stands there. I heard you were working for Leddy.

  I am, I says, what’s wrong with that?

  I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it I’m only asking he said.

  I wanted to say: Well don’t ask Roche, Don’t ask!

  Do you like it down there he says, twirl twirl the timer on his watch.

  Yes I says, ten bob a week.

  And what do you do with that?

  I knew he was trying to trick me into saying I buy bottles of stout for da so I said: I put it in the post office Doctor.

  Very wise he says.

  Hmm.

  What I wanted to talk to you about was your father – he was supposed to come up and see me and he never did.

  O I says, was he?

  Will you tell him to drop in this evening maybe or tomorrow?

  Oh I will I says, I’ll tell him that.

  You won’t forget?

  No, I says. I won’t and then he says it again you won’t forget and I could see him looking me up and down the worst thing about that is you start thinking ah there’s nothing no sweat on my forehead and that’s what makes the sweat come. There was beads on my forehead. I could feel them and the more I felt them the bigger they got they felt as big as berries and that was what made me blurt out O no doctor I forgot he’s gone over to England to visit Uncle Alo.

  What? he says and frowns, he’s what?

  It was too late for me to take it back or turn it into a joke so I had to go on ahead with it I had to make up a whole story.

  I see, he says, and he was looking me up and down twice as much now. I had to put my hand in my pocket to stop it shaking for I knew if it started he’d see it he saw fucking everything didn’t he?

  Then he rubs his chin and says: Right so. Well – when he gets back tell him I want to see him straight away. Its very important.

  OK, doctor I said and saluted as much as to say: There’s not a bother on me. But I knew by Roche that it didn’t look like there wasn’t a bother on me. It didn’t look like that at all.

  I said to myself I won’t go back to Leddy’s yet I’ll take the cart out the road a bit and sit down and have a think about things then I’ll be all right and I would have been if I hadn’t of seen Joe just as I was going by the cafe. The window was open and the music was blaring out. He was sitting in between the blondie one and some other one laughing away and who was on the other side of her only Philip Nugent. He was explaining something to her, drawing away in the air with his hands. Joe was smoking a fag, nodding when the blondie one said something. She shook the hair back out of her eyes and went ha ha at something he said. Then she rested her chin on her hand and tapped her cigarette. Philip Nugent was drumming in time to the music on the formica table. I just stood there staring in the window and the song kept going round and round in my head: When you move in right up close to me, that’s when I get the shakes all over me!

  Then I saw Joe’s lips move he said I’ll put on another song will I and the blondie one nodded. I knew no matter what Joe said she’d have agreed O yes that’s right Joe. When he stood up we were looking at one another face to face through the window. If it had been anybody else I would have given them my butcher boy wink and a big grin but it wasn’t anybody else it was Joe and for the first time in my life I didn’t know what to say to him. He sort of jerked his head the way you would to someone you half-knew or someone you didn’t even know at all then he walked up to the jukebox and bent over it drumming on the sides with his fingers. I kept waiting for him to look back down and say come on in or something but he didn’t he just kept on drumming and mouthing the words of the songs to himself. The only thing that happened was the blondie one looked up and seen me and what does she do then only cover her face with her hand and say something to the other girl and Philip Nugent. The other girl looked up to get a look at me but I was gone.

  At the weekend Leddy said to me I’ll say this for you Brady you’re a fair man to work whatever else they may say about you here’s a ten bob note and whee-hoo, off I went like a bullet to the Tower and bought some bottles of stout and then I went into the shop and got a whole pound of corned beef. All da used to ask me to get was a quarter at a time and would his eyes light up when he saw all this. I was going to give it all to him! Why wouldn’t I? I still had plenty of money left. I could buy the whole tin if I wanted to. I could say to the shopgirl: See that tin of corned beef? Give me it all!

  And she’d have to give it to me. On the way up the street I seen Joe and the blondie one coming across the Diamond on their way down to the carnival. I went in behind a car in case I’d have to pass them but I needn’t have worried for they met the other girl and some of her friends hi! shouts the other one and then they all went off together let them what did I care about them I had my own business to take care of right Francie I said let’s mosey and in I went to the shop, I was just wondering what Joe was saying to her, maybe he was talking to her about music he was hardly talking to her about John Wayne. John Wayne – for fuck’s sake!

  I says to the shopgirl I wanted corned beef. You must be going to make a fair few sandwiches says the shopgirl no I said no! I’m not making any sandwiches. What are you talking about – sandwiches?, I said. The shopgirl was red and she said I was only saying you don’t have to shout at me. It made me all nervy and I dropped the corned beef on the way out of the shop. What were they looking at? Mrs Connolly was pretending not to but I could see her turning away at the last minute pretending to squeeze a pan loaf saying is this fresh? What are you looking at Connolly I wanted to say to her if you’ve got something to say why don’t you say it. But just in time I said to myself no don’t say that its all right maybe she wasn’t looking at you after all. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything to the shopgirl either. But I could hardly go back in and say I didn’t mean to say any of that about the sandwiches. I am going to make sandwiches. But they mustn’t have noticed or forgot all about it for it was OK the next time I seen them they said nothing about it. I cut them all up into triangles and put them on a plate and everything. What do you think of the sandwiches da?, I said. Will I make more? I will – I’ll make some more. I was humming away happily as I spread the butter on the bread. There was a snowdrop on the ditch. I said to da about the snowdrop and the children playing in the lane: They do make a difference these beautiful things da. It is good having them. I stared at the snowdrop for hours and listened to the radio. Friday Night is Music Night. Here it is again da I said and he smiled. Sometimes I’d go into the shop and get thirty Flash Bars. Thirty for half a crown. It was
good value. I stuffed them all into my mouth one after the other. Anytime me and Joe got a half crown. Straight into Mary’s – thirty Flash Bars please. Mary could hardly carry them all. I looked at myself in the mirror after it. A chocolate beard. For fuck’s sake! Sometimes I went round the lane to see if the children were playing near the puddle. You see that puddle?, I’d say then I’d tell them all about Joe and me.

  Your man with the scarf and the tassels says: You told us all about that before. Quit telling us the same story!

  I climbed in the back of the chickenhouse and just stood in there in that woodchip world listening to the scrabbling of the claws on tin and the fan purring away keeping the town going. When we were in there me and Joe used to think: Nothing can ever go wrong.

  But it wasn’t like that any more.

  I HAD five flypapers altogether now. I kept them in the cupboard where all the old clothes were. The best of all was the brass band da I’d say, playing in the chapel yard at Christmas what do you say? He said it sure was. All the things people would say to you. Please God we’ll all be here this time next year and all this. We had some good laughs too about ma and the things she used to say. There he is again this year she’d say, my snowdrop. I’d sit there in the dark and all you could see was the green bead of light twinking in the radio and hear the drone of the fan outside in the lane. You could hear the carnival music at the far end of the town it must have been the same for them all those years ago in Bundoran, standing there with the smell of chips all along the strand. The music was different in them days On The Sunny Side of The Street that was the one they played as the wheel turned and ma cried save me Benny save me we play that one with the town band said da as he twined his fingers round hers. They were just standing there now listening to the hush of the sea. There was nothing else to listen to now that the carnival was all locked up. Ssh, said the sea. That was all it said. Ssh. We’re going to be happy Benny aren’t we? she said. Yes, he said, we’re going to be the two happiest people in the whole world. He held her then and they kissed. You wouldn’t, really think of ma and da kissing but they did and the moon was so close to ma as she lay back in his arms that she could have reached up and put it in her pocket.

  They went back to the boarding house where the woman had left the key under the mat for them. She said: For the man who sang my favourite song for me – I dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls!

  Did you sing that for the landlady da, I asked.

  I did he says, do you know what she used to call us?

  What da?, I says.

  The lovebirds, says da.

  I thought of them lying there together on the pink candlewick bedspread and I knew they were both thinking of the same things, all the beautiful things in the world.

  WHAT else had changed since I started working with Leddy, the town.

  It had turned into a big ocean liner that had been lying sunk at the bottom of the ocean and now was rising up out of the waves all glittering with lights and flags ready to sail wherever I wanted to go. If I could have gone down to Joe’s house to tell him all about this it would have been good it would have been the best ever. Anything you want Joe I’d say to myself on the way to his house you can have it now because I’m going to buy it for you. We could go up on the deck and I’d show it to him, all spread out before him and say whatever you want Joe its all yours. You could see the lights of far off cities from it even. Where do you want to go Joe? You’re the boss. I’d swoop away off over the roofs with bundles of ten bob notes and drop them all over the town like confetti. It would be good if it could have happened like that with Joe but it wouldn’t so it was no use thinking about it.

  I was going into the Tower to get some stout to go with the sandwiches and when I was coming out I seen Mr Purcell getting out of his car. The bottles wouldn’t stop clinking quit clinking bottles I said I stood there in the alleyway where I couldn’t be seen. Mr Purcell closed the car door and folded his raincoat. Then Joe was standing there beside him just looking up and down the street. Then who gets out the other side only Philip Nugent, I went cold all over when I saw him, the hair down over his eyes. Then he goes over and stands beside Joe, opens a book and starts showing him something in it and the two of them laughing away. Mr Nugent opened the other door and then Mrs Nugent got out. He says let me help you there we are. After that they all went inside Purcell’s house and closed the door. It was starting to rain. I crossed the street and hunkered down at the window. I could see the grey glow of the television as it was turned on in the sitting room. Joe was pointing at something. Then Philip Nugent appeared, tossing back his hair. Look look Joe was saying, its Johnny Kidd and The Pirates. All I could see were the shadowy shapes but I could hear the twanging guitars. I felt bad because I didn’t know about them or songs or any of that. I said to myself: All you know about is John Wayne Francie. It was hard to make out the other voices with the noise of the telly. Mr Nugent and Mr Purcell were talking about gardening and setting seed potatoes. Very true very true indeed said Mr Nugent. Then he said something about grubs on his potatoes. Mrs Purcell was in great humour, talking away to Mrs Nugent. For a minute I didn’t catch on that it was me and Joe she was talking about at all, I got it mixed up with the woman on the telly. It was the best thing ever happened to our Joe said Mrs Purcell he had us worried sick running about with that other fellow. O Joseph is a grand lad now said Mrs Nugent, the best, we’re very fond of him. They’re mad into this music says Mrs Purcell but sure I suppose aren’t all the teenagers?

  Indeed they are says Mrs Nugent. Well let them enjoy their freedom now, that’s what I say, weren’t we young once ourselves Mrs?

  We were, we were indeed Mrs now you said it. Let them enjoy it now for they won’t have the time next year. Next year is when the serious study starts. There’ll be no gallivanting then!

  Mrs Purcell folded her arms.

  O that reminds me, says Mrs Nugent, do you remember I was telling you about St Vincent’s College?

  Then Joe and Philip left the room and went upstairs and the song starts again when you move in right up close to me, I think it was a real guitar. I think Philip was playing it. Then I seen Mrs Nugent coming in with a plate. She stood in the middle of the room and said: Would you like some scones Mrs Purcell?

  It was only when I got home I realized I had forgot the bottles and when I went back they were gone. The Purcells’ car was gone too and the street was black and deserted, all you could hear was the wind blowing a tin can across the Diamond.

  The next day I asked Leddy about it but he said to fuck up and quit raving what did he know about snowdrops and orange skies. After that I thought maybe he was right fuck snowdrops and skies and the children and fucking everything. So that night I said to da I won’t be home till late you’ll be all right won’t you then off I went to the Tower Bar and I says to the ten bob note we’re not going home until every penny’s gone then off up on the deck of the ocean liner we’re off I says and I don’t care where we’re going. Whee-hoo! I shouted as I stumbled and fell up the street full to the gills with whiskey. The drunk lad let a few roars at me – Do you know me do you?

  I swayed there for a bit with my shoulder up and shouts back at him Do you know me do you?

  No he says do you know me? and we went on like that for a good while until the pair of us were falling across the Diamond singing I wonder who’s kissing her now?

  I stood on the steps of the bank and shouted Brady the Pig Man up she flew and the cock flattened her!

  Fair dues said the drunk lad you’re a good one Brady! We went into every pub in the town. The pig men are here I shouts and got down on all fours with the drunk riding on my back singing I wonder who’s kissing her now. They gave us plenty of cheers when we did that. I didn’t know pigs could sing says this lad laughing. Well you know now I says, and they can drink whiskey too so come on. Snort, says I, and down the hatch.

  If the drunk lad wasn’t around I’d lie in the doorway of the Tower singing int
o the neck of the beer bottle.

  I went to the dances but I knew they wouldn’t dance with me. I’m sorry but I don’t dance with pigs they’d say. What did I care? Did they think I cared? There was this one in a pink cardigan holding her twenty fags and looking away when she seen me coming. The drunk lad kept saying go on go on ask her I says I will will you get out of my way for fuck’s sake he kept pulling at me. Excuse me I says to her would you like to dance? She was wearing a black hairband and she made on to fix it then she says no I’m with my friends. I could see the drunk lad laughing away look at Brady would you look at Brady he says. I knew he was still looking at me so I says to her: Why didn’t you bring your knitting? and she got as red as a beetroot. I went away laughing my arse off. The drunk lad thought this was the best yet. Jesus, he says, you’re the best man in this town – did you bring your knitting! He told this to everyone he saw. After that there was no end to what I said to the women. They wouldn’t say no thanks to me again for I wouldn’t give them the chance. The drunk lad told me all about women. They’re all the one when they’re on the flat of their back! he says. H’ho would ye look at that he says, I’d give her the johnny and no mistake! I’m the man would slip the boy in there double quick! Sometimes we sat on the stage and shouted up at the musicians: Youse can play fuck all! The bands wore white suits and sang I Love My Mother and Take Me Back to Dixie. They didn’t sell drink in the hall so me and the drunk lad brought our own. The bouncer says you can’t drink here but I says why not. Because I say so that’s why he says. I looked at him and laughed. He had a broken nose and a face like a scalded prawn. I don’t like people laughing he says. Out! No, says I, then the drunk lad says Jesus don’t say that to him he was in the army. He got a hold of me and threw me round the hall, he kicked me along like a ball of newspaper and the women going ee ee. He got me outside and laid into me with kicks. I’d fly this way and that all I could see was a blur of lights and the guitars twanging away at the national anthem. He got me against the boot of a car spits on his lip and his pudgy fist up against my chin. If you show your face round here again Brady this’ll be nothing to what you’ll get. Yes, I said, boo hoo. But I always went back the week after and there we’d be again slugging the Johnny Walker and the bouncer on his way over hey hey and what the fuck did I tell you last week Brady? Leddy used to say to me where did you get all them bruises for the love of Christ look at you. Oh I’d say, I tripped over a straw and a hen kicked me. Other times I’d go off to different dancehalls round the place and hang about at the back till I saw someone that thought he was a good man in a row. He’d be dancing away with his girlfriend shouting into her ear about liking Cliff Richard or saying the guitar player in the band was his cousin or some other pack of lies then I’d dunt against him and he’d say watch where you’re going. I might say nothing at all or I might just look at him with a big stupid face on me you’d think I was going to burst out laughing. What are you looking at he’d say again then but I’d still say nothing just scratch my nose or pick it, anything at all. Then he’d lose the rag because he thought the girl was saying to him well are you going to let him say that to you or are you going to do something about it then he’d tear into me. But it wasn’t like with the bouncer, I wouldn’t let him kick me around. By the time the fight was over they were always on the floor crawling round help me and the women losing their minds. Come on you fucker I’d say again standing over them with my fist clenched but they’d just lie there. It’d be nearly bright by the time I got home and there was no sense in going to sleep so I’d just sit there with da thinking about things one thing I thought was dumb people must have black holes in their stomachs from not being able to cry out.