by Hannah Jay
But What About Sex Tips?
Clever oral technique and Kegel exercises are in some mistress’s repertoires but not in others because specific techniques are not actually what patrons are looking for. Oh, they are deighted when a mistress happens to have a particular technique which they enjoy, but remember the fact that a patron’s brain is his actual erotic center.
Sexuality is, for many men, de-eroticized because they have slipped into a routine with their wives or because they are ashamed to ask for what they actually want or, worst of all, they have become, over time, desensitized to the erotic. And, of course, one of the reasons a man takes a mistress is in the hope that the joy and slightly naughty elements of sex will somehow be restored. Instead of a weekly chore, they are hoping that sex with their mistress will be at least a little exotic, a little out of the ordinary. (A fact not lost on the mistress-wife above.)
Creating erotic tension is far more important than “sex tips”. There are a lot of ways to come at the question but one of the most effective is a simple statement “Do you know what I like? I like to…” You fill in the blank long before you get to the bedroom. You can start very primly with just the suggestion that his hand might touch you “down there”. But, depending on your patron’s reaction, it is easy to escalate the “I like” statements to where ever you want to go. Of course, once you have broken the ice, the next level out is, “I like this, what do you like?”
In the bedroom or out, never underestimate the power of being a bit of a teasing prude. They say that a French husband never sees his wife naked. Should you patron ever see you completely naked? Can you tease him with glimpses while keeping most of your charms beneath a discreet veil? Can you make him look away when you scoot under the sheets?
At the same time, remember that men are intensely visual creatures. They just love to watch. If you are a prude out of bed can you be a wanton in bed. Can you lift the hem of your slip and let him enjoy a toy show while you warm yourself up? Or let him watch you play with yourself as you get ready to have him take you? Or all the way to climax?
Costumes, really pretty lingerie and nightwear and the old standby of stockings to bed will let your patron create his own, private, fantasy.
Think about what he responds to in the “I like” game but keep a few likes in reserve. Because that is the other element of mistress sex, you’ll be seeing him again. Remember that there are some things girls just don’t do the first or second or tenth time they are in bed with a man; but they will usually let him have his way eventually. But make him wait.
Some men like quick, no frills, sex and a mistress is, of course, more than willing to accommodate. But adding elegant variations never hurts. Letting a patron take you hard and quickly does not preclude getting him a reviving snack, a glass of wine and then, after a bit of time has passed, bringing him back to erection and suggesting he do you just as hard and just as quickly but from behind.
The principle sex tip for the modern mistress is be gently imaginative. Let your patron take the lead but keep going in the direction he suggest. It is this enthusiasm, the sense of wanting to dive deeper, which creates the erotic tension most men crave.
Chapter 11 | Getting Role Play Right for Mistresses
Many men have particular desires in and out of the bedroom. These can range from mild experimentation all the way through to psycho-sexual scripts of daunting complexity. Somewhere between being tickled with a feather and building a full scale dungeon, many mistresses are asked to assume a role and indulge in a little kink.
Books have been written on the more esoteric reaches of male sexual desire and they are all available at Amazon. But none that I have read answer a much more basic question: how do you, as a mistress, get your head into the game? And, more importantly, should you?
The Role of the “Mistress”
For many girls, being a mistress itself involves a good deal of role playing. For example, many mistresses have a professional name and a carefully crafted persona in her occasional advertising. She steps into this persona when she is with her patron and steps back out into “real life” when she is not.
In her mistress persona, a girl will often dress differently, change her makeup, try to be a bit bolder and generally create an alter ego.
Many girls actually have a bit of a ritual. Something as simple as putting on a bra with more than a little oomph and a pair of really sheer stockings matched to a firm garter belt can be transformative. Or, two steps back, a bubble bath an hour before seeing her patron can set a girl up for her encounter.
Making the transition from her real persona to her mistress persona is a basic bit of distancing psychology which lets girls do their business without inflicting any damage to their core personalities. The mistress’ motto, “It’s business” can transform a potentially fraught situation into a pleasant, if a little distant, interlude.
Part of donning a mistress persona is, for many girls, also a way of keeping whatever is going on in their non-mistress lives from impinging on their dates. The gentlemen callers do not want to hear about her vet bills or the cost of repairing the air conditioning on her car. They are giving themselves a treat, a little break from their day to day lives, and part of what they are paying for is the fantasy of a willing girl who is, somehow, floating above the day to day.
All of which is a role. An act as it were and one which a mistress either masters or flails at. The old joke goes, “Sincerity is vital; if you can fake that you have it made.” Which is a cynical way of recognizing that the most basic psychology of the mistress encounter is to create a bubble of trust and acceptance for the men who, you hope, will pay you well for their pleasure.
Expanding the Role
Once a girl has her mistress persona firmly in place and understands what her patrons are basically paying for, there is lots of room to expand her repertoire and range. Nothing kinky, just understanding that there are a lot of different forms mistressing itself can take.
Key to expanding the mistress role is an appraisal of who you are and what sort of mistress you aspire to be. This appraisal can occur at the beginning of your career or after months or years in the business. Because your mistress persona is constructed it is also very, very fluid.
Simple questions like, “What sort of dates do I like best?” are a good starting point. Or aspirational questions like, “Where do I want my mistress life to be in six months?” can get the ball rolling. And don’t be afraid to go negative. Asking, “Which dates have I disliked?” can make your own preferences very clear.
At the same time, thinking about how you like to present your mitress persona can lead to a lot of useful fine tuning. Do you like to primp and fuss before a date and make sure your environment is “just so”, or do you work on the “what you see is what you get” principle? Both can work. Would you prefer your patron to think of you as a bit aloof or are you all about, “kick back and relax with me”? Who you actually are is a huge determinant of what sort of mistress experience you are going to be happiest providing.
Going deeper into your own role as a mistress gives you the opportunity to really explore your possibilities. At one level, being in control of your mistress persona will make you encounters easier and more rewarding. At another, having a rock solid core role lets you experiment with that role. Your mistress persona is the most basic role playing you do and you do it every date. So understanding that, what about all those other things patrons want you to do and will pay for?
A Safe Place
When you see your patron, there are certain, largely unspoken, rules to the game. He is paying for your time. There may be consenting adult activity. Those are the most basic; but there are others. The most basic of these is that what occurs during the encounter is strictly between the mistress and her patron. Equally basic is that while the mistress may decline to participate in certain activities she does not judge her patron for asking.
Privacy, discretion and non-judgement are as much a part of
the mistress encounter as the activities between consenting adults and the monthly allowance. Most girls understand this from the go but it is worth unpacking a little.
For most men, vulnerability of any sort can be very difficult. Day to day they are expected to conform to various social, and implicitly, sexual norms. Even minor deviations from those norms can cause huge embarrassment, shame and humiliation. Whether at work or at home, many men are deeply constrained by what they believe are the expectations their wives, co-workers and friends put on them.
Within that context, a very limited repertoire of sexual and psycho sexual activity is acceptable. While the menu may be more extensive in some marriages or relationships than in others, asking for things not actually on the menu is seen as a very high risk move. And it actually is for a few reasons. First, with a wife or girlfriend, the “ask” leaves a man very vulnerable for the duration of the relationship. Women can have long memories and can and do tease their husbands and boyfriends with whatever “perverted” thing they disclose. Worse, the mere “ask” can become fodder in divorce litigation or grist for the gossip mill at the end of a relationship. Merely to ask is to risk exposure. Which is often why a man decides to hire an escort.
Not so much because the mistress is willing to engage in out of the mainstream activity – she may not be; rather because he can ask without consequence.
The other element of male vulnerability is their own sense of guilt and shame over what, objectively, maybe a completely trivial desire. What a mistress needs to know is that what she might see as entirely matter-of-fact, may actually have been haunting her patron for thirty years and by expressing his desire he is overcoming all those years of repression.
By keeping a mistress a man may very well see himself as buying the right to ask while also ensuring that his identity and privacy are respected. And that may be the only situation in which he feels he can express his forbidden desire. Which sounds awfully melodramatic but in many ways reflects the reality that a nice guy who is a husband, father, baseball coach, pillar of his church and successful businessman is bringing to his mistress.
A big responsibility, non?
Well it could be if mistresses were trained, registered, psychologists – but generally they are not and their responsibility is limited. The implicit promise of privacy, confidentiality and non-judgement creates the circumstances where a patron can, if he wants, express his desires. If a mistress can provide a safe psychological space she has kept her end of the bargain.
OK, He’s Asked…Now What?
When a patron has a specific request, think about it. And tell him you are thinking about it. Even if it is something which you are pretty sure you are not going to be doing, remember that sometimes your patron has taken a big risk mentioning his desire at all.
For role play to work at all, a mistress needs to be comfortable with the activity and able to actually achieve the fantasy her patron is looking for. While you may be perfectly willing to entertain your patron’s desire to dress up as a naughty elf, you are not terribly likely to have an elf costume, in his size, handy.
Even if your client’s fantasy is well beyond your hard limits – and only you know what those are – your patron may very well be deeply satisfied simply having told someone about his fantasy. (Remember that phone sex is still a money maker for just that reason.)
However, assuming for the moment that your client’s peccadillo is inside your limits and you have some or all of the props required, you still have to make some decisions.
The first is a purely commercial question: your patron has hired you for a standard mistress relationship and this new request is not standard. What to do? Upcharge for extras? Suggest that this little extra will take a bit more time and a lovely gift would be in order. Good strategies but, in many cases, shortsighted.
Being a bit cannier can enhance your revenue for literally years. Remember that your patron has told you something about himself at some risk and with, possibly, a good deal of courage. Men with kinks don’t stop having those kinks the first time they come close to having them fulfilled. In fact, if they find someone who can scratch their itch, coming back again and again is very attractive because they will not have to go through the trauma of having to work themselves up to revealing their secret to another mistress.
First, get the details. Men with fetishes, kinks and outré desires often have very elaborate fantasies surrounding their obsession. Fantasies which they often have had no one to speak to about ever. You become a listener.
Second, reflect back those details. What colour is the elf costume? Are pointy ears involved? Would it be more fun if both of you were dressed as elves? As you listen and reflect think carefully about whether you want to participate and, assuming you do, do you have the necessary props or can you obtain them?
Third, depending on the requirements of your role, it may be a good idea to suggest that you have some fun talking about what you are going to be doing when you have all the items needed to really make this real. For all but the simplest fantasy and role play a bit of preparation is a very good thing.
When it is time for consenting adult activity, you will have all the information you need to talk him through your next encounter while he is enjoying this one. Just a few words here and there will likely push him over the edge and leave him panting for more.
Professional Grade
If you are going to play a role for your patron you must set up the next date to perfection--- take the time to find the right outfit, props and equipment. And, when you are arranging the date, be very clear with your patron that you will need some money to buy them. (PayPal is your friend here.)
The last thing in the world you want to waste his money on is the Made in China crap which is the stock in trade of the sex shop business. Getting a real nurse’s uniform or, better still, a vintage nurse’s uniform at a vintage clothing shop will take a bit of hunting around but will be more than worth it come the day of the “naughty nurse” play – and likely cheaper than the see through nylon junk the sex shop sells.
Equestrian supply shops are surprisingly common – though usually located where there are actual horses – and will happily sell you riding crops and dressage whips (look them up, they are beautiful) at a fraction of the price pseudo ones go for at the “fetish” shop. Alternatively, a fine bit of rattan cane can be had in any Chinatown (and most garden shops) for a dollar or two and works exceedingly well.
If you have a little more time and resources, Amazon and E-Bay are huge sources for sex toys, bondage gear and deeply authentic cheerleaders’ outfits.
If your burly patron wants to experience the pleasures of cross-dressing, a trip to the larger size section of your local thrift store will produce wisps of lace which might actually fit.
Remember the details of your client’s kink. If he mentioned pink ankle socks or an angora sweater make a serious effort to find those exact things.
At the same time, a professional grade fantasy experience takes into account that realizing a fantasy brings a degree of physical reality to the proceedings. That means that you have to be safety conscious all the way through. While your sixty-five year old patron may very well want to be in full suspension bondage for the afternoon, his wise young mistress will decide to tie him carefully to her bed. She will also know that the important thing about being pegged is not the size of the strap-on but rather its enthusiastic use.
The one thing which a mistress has to be extremely wary of is her own restraint. Even with a wonderful patron you are increasing your own vulnerability by agreeing to serious bondage under uncontrolled conditions. While you might be game, it is wisest to submit in the safe conditions of a professional domina’s studio with her present…more fun too because you can relax.
The Real Role
Giving a patron a safe place to talk about and, later, explore his desires can build a fantastic relationship, add to your income and, in some cases, be quite a lot of fun.
&n
bsp; The thing a role playing mistress is really selling, though, is permission and enthusiasm. Role play does not work well if a mistress is less than committed to her role as an afternoon elf. She will have a not so great time and her patron’s itch will remain unscratched. So it is much better to say, “No” than to reluctantly “give it a try”.
Which means that once you have agreed, got the kinky details, and found just the right costume, lingerie and props, you need to bring your best game to the event. If your patron’s request is something you have never done before, the internet is your friend. There is nothing the internet has not done before and there are incredibly detailed blogs and forums on every element of the vast universe of male desire. An hour’s research and you’ll know what to expect and have some idea of what to do.
Remember that playing a role means that your patron will also be playing his. You may see it as all in a day’s work, he will be seeing himself as taking a huge risk. The very idea that he has found someone he can reveal his mildly exotic tastes to is likely as exciting as the activity itself.
Just by being open, an mistress can deepen and expand her relationship with her patron. And admit it, you’ve always fancied that cute little elf costume.
Chapter 12 | The Mistress in Charge
The great world of domination and submission, BDSM, whips, chains and dungeons--- looks, and is, complicated. Just putting together a dungeon costs thousands of dollars. For dominas there is no certainty that you will attract enough paying customers to see a great return on your investment. Plus there are the leather outfits, thigh high boots, and all the other accoutrements of the domina. Great if that’s your passion, but what if it isn’t?