by Hannah Jay
In every market, there are the hard core D&S aficionados who will pay serious money to have their particular fantasy fulfilled. But there are many more men whose submissive tendencies don’t run to being in suspension bondage in a frilly little girl’s dress. Or, to be more accurate, they may have that fantasy but they don’t want, or need, to act it out. Instead, what they are seeking is willing submission to a demanding woman.
For a modern mistress there are certainly potential patrons who will, to a greater of lesser degree, want to enjoy the pleasures of submission. Alpha males often need the tangible proof they are not “in charge”.
The psychology of a patron’s needs are not a modern mistress’ business; her business is to meet those needs. However, knowing a little about the dynamics of a dominant/submissive relationship gives a girl an advantage.
In cartoon form, a lot of men, particularly alpha men are “on” all the time. At work they have to make decisions, argue cases, prescribe drugs, borrow and lend money. At home they have ambitious wives, high achieving (or not) kids, and constant pressure. Even a game of golf becomes a competition. All of their actions have consequences. There is no escape from the pressure and thus, the stress simply accumulates.
There is no obvious place in this unbalanced world for a man to simply relax. Keeping a mistress is more than just relief of sexual tension. It is a brief respite from the stress and pressure of their everyday life. It is an hour or an evening devoted to their own pleasure, their own needs. For many men that experience is rewarding enough to justify keeping a mistress with all that entails.
However, for a significant minority of men, even a great “girlfriend experience” with a mistress does not take them far enough outside themselves. In a nutshell, they are still in control. They are still calling the shots. They think they are going to relax with a girl when, in fact, they are worried about their performance, whether she’s having a great time, if they are getting their money’s worth. Instead of a pleasing escape they find themselves loaded with more of their own expectations. (Not to mention all the standard worries men bring to their sexual experiences.)
So the essential dynamic at the root of the dominant/submissive, F/m experience is the removal of choice from the submissive male. At the most basic level the submissive patron does what he is told.
Most experienced mistresses know that the vast majority of their patrons, in fact, “do what they are told” but the difference between the straight and the submissive patron is that the sub gets extra excitement from the telling.
Tools of the Trade
An even slightly dominant mistress will never see a hardware store quite the same way. However, you are not in the dungeon business so you need to be able to achieve symbolic superiority with a very limited array of tools and toys. Here’s a bit of a shopping list:
Zip-ties – 12 inch, as wide as possible
Rattan canes – go to your local Chinatown or a garden center – rattan is best but bamboo will do. Cut to correct length for your carry tube. Wrap top five inches in black electrical tape, take two of differing thicknesses
Paddle – thrift stores have wonderful, over sized, salad tools in wood
Xxtra large slips/panties, camisoles – the thrift store is your friend
Rubber gloves/disposable gloves
Dildo/prostate massager – err on the small side
Riding crop – tack store or thrift
Leather carry tube – 36 inches – ideal for canes, crops, and the rest of the tools of the trade
21 feet, 3/8 inch cotton (not nylon) rope in 3 foot pieces
A couple of pairs of old nylon stockings
Light nipple clamps
Those are the basics. The most expensive item on the list is the carry tube which Amazon sells for $28.50. (Amazon is a great place for all manner of out of the way items.) With a little imagination you can create a whole world of submission for your client simply by unzipping your carry case.
Dressing the Part
While the correct answer to the question, “What does a dominant woman wear?” is “Anything she wants to,” your submissive patron will tend to have visions of a black leather corset and the black high heels from Hell. While you might indulge his fantasies, the fact is leather corsets are expensive and uncomfortable. Worse, they imply you are undressed and that is something a submissive is rarely going to see.
Looks which can work well include a simple, below the knee skirt and a sheer blouse with a lacy white bra; the same skirt but with a fitted leather jacket and black lacy bra. School teacher skirt and little jacket – in a demure tweed. A pretty, above the knee LBD (little black dress) with appropriate stockings and heels. Stockings, not pantyhose. Stocking can be lacy stay-ups, or garters and all. I assure you, once you get the hang of it you will love them.
The overall look is feminine and a bit aloof. Glasses are always a good option. So is having your hair up. The naughty librarian look is well worth trying.
One key psychological element often at play is that your clients are reaching back into their early lives for a woman who represents authority. So dressing a few decades out of date can trigger the right responses.
Leave the fake dominatrix outfits in the sex shop for the suburban bad girls to wear on “date night”. Same with things like nurse’s uniforms. At the same time, if you can find a wonderful old, real, nurse’s outfit – ideally with the great old starched nurse’s cap – grab it and use it.
One element to keep in mind is that these sorts of encounter are often quite long, so you want to be comfortable. Six inch heels are perfect for a quick turn around the bed, but are not so great for supervising your submissive charge.
Showtime
The domina date is more than a little different from a regular mistress encounter. Off the top, there is no sex. Or at least none which involves you. Which raises the question: so what, exactly do you do??
For the moment let’s assume you are entertaining in your own space. Your gentleman arrives and there are several ways for the date to go. The difficulty here is that you can’t really guess what will actually give him the release he is looking for.
Some girls in this situation opt for a full and frank conversation before entering into the “session”. Not at all a bad idea. Indeed some professional dominatrix’s have full on questionnaires for their clients to fill out online or prior to their session. However, there is a slightly better alternative.
It begins with your assumption of superiority. An assumption which arises from your conversations with your patron. Your patron is not there to be consulted, he is there to do what he is told. And that begins with being sent to take a shower. Obedient men, even if they just had a shower, will dutifully have another. Brats will put up a fuss: which is perfect because now they have to take a cold shower and you will tell them when they may come out. Tell them not to lock the door. As they are showering you have the opportunity to prepare for the next move.
Depending on your mood, you can leave them a short men’s robe or, for fun, a pretty ladies robe. In either case, remove all of their clothing and place it somewhere out of the way. When they emerge from their shower in their robe you should be seated in a chair with a clear space in front of it.
Have your client come before you on your chair and tell him to turn around and present his wrists. Using the zip ties fasten his wrists, loose tie on each wrist and then a tie between the wrists behind his back. The objective is to have him effectively helpless. Then you tell him to turn around.
Some girls like their subs to kneel at this stage, others like to keep them standing. The point is that they are now in your power. And, to make that point very clear, you can unbelt their robe to expose their often shower shrunk bits and pieces.
It is usually at this point that you give him the name he is to call you. My own preferences are “Miss” or “Ma’am”, “Mistress” can work but I think it sounds a bit arch as does Mi’Lady or Princess. However, harkening back to school days with a name li
ke “Miss Pierce” will sometimes put your client into the right mood. Make it clear that he is to use that form of address and no other or there will be consequences. He is also to speak only when spoken to or asked a direct question,
It is also a good idea to set a “safe word” at this point. Although your session is not at all likely to push any limits, knowing that saying “stove top” or “periwinkle” will call a timeout is a source of some security for your client and safety for you.
Now you can proceed. With a first time client, with your cane or crop in hand, possibly flicking said bits and pieces, you begin to question your client. A good deal of the questioning is designed to take him through what your first session contains.
This, in turn requires a bit of planning. In many ways, like a good book, a submissive’s time with you heads towards a climax which is the moment when he is least in control of his situation. It might be a through caning or something much lighter where he has to put on his slip and panties and do a bit of lingerie hand washing. It is never a bad idea to give him some corner time with his nose pressed against the panties he’ll be washing. Nor should light rope bondage be dismissed.
Setting him some tasks to perform and be evaluated on is useful. If he is to be whipped – and almost every client will need some level of corporal chastisement – it is worthwhile to have him recite his infractions and apologize for his sloppiness. Putting him in a nighty and tucking him into bed with his arms and legs bound will give him a sense of tranquility. And if you flip down the covers and pull up his nighty before he is paddled right there in bed he’ll be able to relish his powerlessness all the more.
Some men enjoy a good deal of humiliation both physical and verbal. The varieties of odd activities which submissive men enjoy is boundless. From serious cross dressing through to detailing your bathroom with an old toothbrush, each man will have his own peccadilloes. And a clever domina will find all the things she needs done – house repairs, ironing, folding laundry – and men who will be delighted to do the work and pay her fees if they are allowed to complete the tasks in a good firm girdle and be properly punished for any mistakes.
By starting the session by outlining what’s in store for him, a client is able to signal where his preferences lie. And, of course, you can tell him he has to tell you the absolute truth or else.
Psychologically, a client is usually most satisfied when he sees a clear connection between his behaviour and his treatment. If you plan to let your patron ejaculate at the end of a session, it should always be a reward for bearing his punishments well.
A domina always has a good deal held in reserve but visually available to her client. Having a crop, a cane and a paddle doesn’t mean you’ll be using all three in a session; but the patron who is cropped will leave wondering what the unused paddle would be like. The same is true of anal toys: they are almost never used in at the beginning, instead they are an earned threat to keep your patron on edge.
A Domina and a Mistress
Some patrons will want all of their encounters with their mistress to be experiences of dominance and submission, others will keep their submissive desires under wraps for most of their encounters. All of which a mistress can easily adjust to. A delightful, completely vanilla, evening is a treat.
However, where a patron has revealed a submissive side, a wise mistress will ensure that even on the most vanilla dates there will be an allusion to her patrons “special needs”. This can range from a playful remark or two through to having a patron kneel in his corner while you undress.
One of the most effective domina elements in a mistress situation is to require your patron to satisfy you before even thinking of his own satisfaction. It changes the entire mistress/patron dynamic.
Where a mistress is called upon to be the dominant partner it is also a very good idea to set what appear to be rigid boundaries on the D&S activities. If her patron wants to cross dress, the clever, modern, mistress takes her time before letting her patron wear more than a pair of panties. The pleasures of a firm girdle or a pretty nightie, are held in abeyance. The same with such things as prostate massage (and make sure you use a good rough pair of kitchen rubber gloves if you decide to grant him this boon), strap-ons or golden showers. These may be his thing but you need to be a “good girl” and make him work for his doubtful pleasures.
The inherent difficulty with domina activities is that men will almost always want more of the same. Once they have crossed the line and trusted their mistress with their dirty desires they will want to dig deeper. For the mistress who wants to keep her patron happy and productive, leaving him wanting just a little more is a perfect way to ensure he continues the relationship and, because you tell him to, brings you the pretty, valuable, things you want.
Remember that the dominant mistress is actually in charge. This cannot be halfway: either you are in charge and he does what he is told or you are not, in fact, a dominant mistress. If a patron wants a domina you can either be who he wants or move on. For some modern mistresses being in charge is unappealing. For others it can be a way to add an entirely new dimension to a very old arrangement.
Chapter 13 | Mistress Style: Glamour – Putting it all together
It is easy to think that glamour is something other women do. That, somehow, there is a glamorous life out there but it is being lived in Paris and New York and Monte Carlo and has nothing to do with your particular life as a mistress or as a woman. That glamor takes designer dresses, big diamonds and limos, lots of limos.
Well I am here to assure you that glamour is not where you live or what you have, it is about who you are. And it is very, very valuable.
Boring people will dully explain that mistresses sell sex. And boring mistresses will think that is what their business is all about. And then they will wonder how girls who are not particularly beautiful manage to command premium allowances, have condos bought for them and drive a cute little Boxter. After all, those girls are unlikely to be ten or fifty times as good at sex per se. So, how are they managing to find and attract patrons willing to pay so very much.
To answer that question and then to act on the answer, can create huge opportunities for an ambitious girl. But the answer is a bit counter intuitive so bear with me.
At the low end of the mistress world there are the sugar babies who are happy to receive a couple of thousand dollars a month for “their time” which loosely means, sex. Not much else, maybe the occasional burger out or roll in the soiled sheets of a NoTell Motel. It is a good thing the idea of sugar baby was invented because what these girls are actually doing is escorting at a wholesale rather than retail level. At the other end of the spectrum, pretty much out of sight of the sugar baby world, are the mistresses and courtesans at the very top of the market and, of course, the gentlemen who seek their company.
The sort of man who is willing to spend tens of thousands a month for an allowance and gifts, is not likely to be there just for the sex. Not saying that never happens, rather saying that it is more than a little rare. Men who have this sort of money are usually pretty smart and with intelligence comes complexity and a degree of imagination.
Glamour
In its original Scotish form, gramarye spoke of magic, the occult and enchantment. Glamour is far more about the imagination than about any bit of cunning make up or clever dress. And that, of course, is what a glamourous woman trades upon.
Part of the burden of being intelligent is boredom. At a certain point in a successful man’s career, what used to be challenging becomes matter of fact, his triumphs are the same as last years’ triumphs. Rather than seeking attention his attention is sought. This can happen at any age but it is quite rare in men under forty. The Peggy Lee tune, “Is that all there is” plays fairly constantly in the background.
As a general rule, really successful, intelligent men do not have the “buy a Porsche, ditch the first wife, find a blonde” in your face midlife crises which blemish the lives of their subordinates. They
are much too practical and level headed to commit personal and professional suicide; rather they look for ways to channel their dissatisfaction so as to both deal with the problem and cause minimal disruption to the success of their lives.
Intelligent, successful men tend to be very good at analysis. They can look at a problem, divide it into its parts and come up with optimal solutions.
The solution to “I am bored, I am dissatisfied” is very unlikely to involve leaving their wife, losing their children and their assets and generally behaving like an idiot. Instead they will look for solutions which scratch their specific itch.
Sex may be part of the solution but, as I have said, sex in itself is unlikely to actually fill the void. Men often think what mistresses are selling is sexual but they are usually wrong. In fact what a mistress is about is a fantasy in which sex is embedded in a much larger, escapist, illusion.
Enter glamour.
Even the wealthiest client lives in a work a day world where the women he deals with balance the practical with the beautiful, the elegant with the everyday. Whether it is his wife, his personal assistant, his lawyer or his broker, the women in his life will usually have downplayed their feminine side in order to get along in an egalitarian world.
Not so the mistresses who work at this level. In fact, quite the opposite. From lingerie to lipstick, the top end mistress is all about accentuating the feminine, the beautiful and the luxurious. Where a female partner in a big law firm has a haircut and manicure designed to be largely maintenance free, a luxe mistress is very high maintenance indeed.
Buffed, polished, glossy and groomed, the real mistress, the modern mistress, understands her value as a luxury, an indulgence and, secretly, as the trophy a man gives himself for being clever enough to be able to afford her. Her patron is enjoying the pleasures of a glamorous woman.