by Randa Lynn
Oh, God. Wait for it, wait for it.
“Vanessa is back.”
My heart disintegrates at my feet into a pile of dust.
I’ve told myself that there was nothing to worry, nothing to fear. She left. She won’t come back.
Once again, I’ve fooled myself. I’ve covered the ugly truth with a beautiful lie.
The moment I feared, yet tried to never acknowledge, has been thrown in my face. Everything I’ve imagined my life could be has been stripped from me by the memory that was never supposed to come around again. But here she is, claws out ready to take my family from me. The family I chose to love and have love me in return. The family I never knew I wanted, but turns out I needed all along. The family who has crumbled the walls I’ve had surrounding my heart. The family who has helped mend all the broken parts of me.
The family that isn’t really my family at all.
I’m just an outsider that came in and etched herself into their daily lives. I can be erased as quickly as I came to fruition.
The tears fall like a roaring waterfall. There’s no stopping their emotional downpour. I can feel myself sinking, falling back down into that pit of despair, with loneliness and heartache as my only neighbors.
“Lenni, baby, stop!” Wes stresses.
I can’t. I don’t want him to say anything else. I can’t let him say anything else. Because if he does, then it’s real, and I don’t want it to be real. I want to go back to last week when we sent Elli to school and we both had the day off and came home and he made love to me. I want the bubble bath we had afterwards. I want the massage he gave me. I want the laughs, the smiles, and the popcorn. I want it all. But the moment I let him continue, all those moments will be nothing but a memory. I’ll be left alone, crushed.
There’s no way I’ll ever be able to recover from the biggest blow my heart has ever taken. This makes everything else we’ve faced seem miniscule. Because everything else wasn’t Vanessa. Everything else wasn’t his ex-wife and Elli’s mother. Her real mother. No, everything else was nothing. This, this is everything.
“Goddammit, Lenni, look at me,” he growls. I slowly look up to him. My breathing stammers when I study the worry written across his face. But I don’t know why he’s worried. He’s the one who will get his family back.
“Stop fucking over-thinking things,” he scolds. He grabs the side of my face and brings his down to meet me. He stares at me for what could be five seconds or five hours. I don’t know. Time is irrelevant right now. Seconds, minutes, hours, they’re all so meshed together. I’m too lost in the eyes of the only man who’s ever made me feel of value. And, God help me, I’m so scared right now.
“It changes everything,” I mumble. “Oh, God. Everything changes.”
“No, it sure as fuck does not. Now stop over analyzing and listen for one damn minute, please.”
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
Breathe.
I close my eyes, calming my nerves. “You’re overreacting again,” I tell myself.
“Okay,” I say as I exhale.
“Can we walk outside? I don’t want Elli to walk in and hear anything.”
I get up from the barstool and nod. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”
Wes takes hold of my hand and squeezes it tight as if it’s some sort of reassurance. Whether it’s for me or himself, I’m not sure. I just hope this won’t be the last time I ever hold his hand.
We walk outside. The air is still warm, no longer scorching like months prior, but a chill still sidles its way into my bones. Why did she have to come back when everything was so great? I thought we’d gotten over our obstacle when Ryan got put in prison.
Life’s a fickle bitch.
Wes leads me to the swing at the side of the house and we sit in silence for a few minutes. Nothing but nature and the screech of the swing breaking the silence.
I lean up and brace my hands on each side of me. I guess it’s now or never.
“I didn’t know she was there,” Wes states.
I figured as much. I couldn’t imagine him going to a place she was at willingly. But that fact still doesn’t help mend my wounded heart or ease the sick feeling embedded deep within my bones.
“I believe you.”
“Would you believe me if I told you that seeing her reminded me of everything I love about you?”
My breath catches in my throat. As much as my mind is telling me to run, my heart is firmly planted in the palm of his hands and it has no intentions of going anywhere.
“I don’t know,” I finally concede.
“Well let me explain.” He pulls me into him and I sink into his arms.
Suddenly, all of my worries fade. The steady strum of his heartbeat is a calming melody. Like the steady rush of a river, it drowns out everything surrounding it.
“I’ve had all of these mixed emotions about what would happen if I ever saw Vanessa again. I used to think I’d go crawling back to her if she ever had a change of heart. I used to want her to have a change of heart.” He brushes the ends of my hair with his fingers. “I used to think Elli was missing out on so much because Vanessa left. But you know what? Last night put everything into perspective for me.”
I tilt my head up to his. “How is that?”
He brushes a gentle kiss on my forehead before continuing. “Because, I realized that Elli didn’t miss out at all. Yeah, Vanessa birthed her, and for that I’ll always be grateful. But you are Elli’s mother in every single way that matters. You came into her life and loved her when you didn’t have to. You cared for her when you had absolutely no reason to. You sacrifice every single day for her without asking anything in return, and that is what makes a person a mother. Not DNA. She might have shown me how to love, but you have shown me how to be loved. I’ll never let that go, baby. You’re my end. You’re my forever.”
His eyes lock on to mine. Nothing but passion and unending love emanating from them. I find myself crying again. But this time not because of fear. Instead, I’m crying for love, my love. This man is holding me in his arms, but he holds so much more than that. I won’t give him up without a fight. I won’t lose the way he makes me feel when he looks at me with those beautiful eyes. I won’t lose my family without giving it my all.
I’d be kidding myself if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m terrified. But we’ve come too far, I’ve come too far, to let her make me run from all the good in my life. Wes and Elli are my family in all the ways that matter. It would be impulsive to give that up out of fear. I’ve done that once, and we know where that got me. Miserable.
Yes, everything else isn’t Vanessa, but Vanessa isn’t everything either. She’s just another obstacle. She’s another bump in our road. But we will overcome them, together.
He leans down and places his chin on the top of my head. “I love you, Lenni. I’ll love you ‘til we’re old and gray. Even then, you’ll always be my pretty little thing.”
Those words, I feel them seeping down into my bones, lodging in the depths of my soul. No matter the storms, no matter what shaky ground we might walk on, we’ll make it. His arms are where I’ve always belonged.
I close my eyes and listen. Sometimes it’s silence that speaks the most.
Chapter 35
LENNI
Zoe and I decided to have a girls’ evening full of food and shopping. Wes said he wanted to spend a little one-on-one time with Elli, so she stayed with him to go fishing and do whatever else they decided to do. It was fine by me. I need a little me time after this past week, anyways. I still can’t get Vanessa off my mind. I’m scared I’m going to see her, or worse, Elli see her.
Wes has continued to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about, and I believe him in regards to her causing issues between him and me. But that doesn’t take away the uncertainty as to where that leaves Elli and me. What if she tells Elli that she is her mother? What if she tries like hell to have a relationship with Elli?
V
anessa made a decision to not be in Elli’s life long before I came into it. That’s a decision she will have to live with. I don’t see how a mother could walk away from her child just because she didn’t want the responsibility anymore. She didn’t walk away because she didn’t have help or support or the means to care for Elli. She was purely selfish, and that is something I will never be able to fathom.
“Hey yo, Len. Snap out of it.” Zoe waves her fingers in front of me. “We’re here.”
I look around, and damn if we aren’t. “Sorry.”
“You’re over-thinking again, aren’t you?”
I halt my movements. “How did you know?”
She rolls her eyes. “Lenni, you’re an open book of emotions.”
Well, hell. Note to self: Learn how to wipe emotions off your face. “Guilty. I just can’t get this whole Vanessa being back thing out of my head. I feel like any second now she’s going to pop up.”
We hop out of the car and head into the store when Zoe replies, “Stop worrying so much. It’ll happen the way everything is supposed to happen.”
Yeah, I know that, but that is what worries me. “Yeah, I know. Can we just get this retail therapy underway? That will make me feel better.”
After we walk in the store I slowly make my way through, scanning every rack. Wes’s twenty-eighth birthday is tomorrow and he’s invited everybody we know over for burgers. But his dad is taking Elli with him afterwards, so I want to do a little something special for my man after everyone leaves. “Hey, Zoe, do they sell lingerie here?” I ask, making my way through the racks over to her.
She eyes me in disgust. “I love you, but you’re dating my brother. I don’t want to even have any type of mental image about my brother’s sex life in my mind. It will leave me scarred for fucking life. So if you don’t mind, keep all the grimy details of what you plan to do with that lingerie to your damn self.” She fiddles through looking at a few more clothes. “But to answer your question, it’s towards the back on the left.”
“Yeah, yeah. You can use your imagination all you want. I don’t mind.” I stick my tongue out at her and go to find the perfect outfit for Wes’s birthday present until a sudden wave of nausea hits me.
Oh hell.
I stop and brace myself against a rack of clothes. I can feel the bile begin to creep its way up my throat. I stay as still as possible, not wanting it to go any further. After a few minutes, it passes, allowing me to continue. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I guess it’s stress causing me to be off. Whatever it is, it needs to go away, and fast.
I search through the racks, not finding anything that catches my eyes. It either looks way too gaudy for my taste, or something that looks painful to attempt to wear. I just about give up until I come up on something I think Wes will like—a white see-thru bra with intricate lace details that snaps in the front and matching lace thong. I’m not one to buy lingerie, so I hope I’m not way off base here. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see tomorrow, because asking Zoe for advice is not going to happen. She’s made that abundantly clear.
I pay for the lingerie first then make my way back over to Zoe, sparing her from having to see what I bought for her brother. “Hey, this dress would look amazing on you!” She holds up a yellow and white dress. The top is white down to the waist, and the skirt portion is a bright yellow. I like it.
I grab it from her. “Come on. I’ll go try it on.” We go over to the dressing rooms and I go in while Zoe waits for me on the couch.
I put it on and walk out, unsure of how I look in it. The neckline is flirty, low enough for cleavage, but not too low to be risqué. It crisscrosses in the back, which I like, but it dips down into the small of my back, leaving a lot bare. I’m a little self-conscious about it, so I’m not sure.
When I’m finally done critiquing myself in the mirror I see that Zoe’s mouth is agape. Oh lord. “Is it that bad? You don’t think it’ll be chilly tomorrow?” I question.
She stands and walks over to me. “Hell, no. You look stunning, Len. Seriously, if you don’t buy it I’m buying it for you. Have you forgotten where we live? It can stay hot all year if it feels like it. Plus, my weather app said the high is like seventy tomorrow.”
I do a once over again in the mirror and twirl, getting a good look at the back. Maybe it isn’t so bad. “Okay, I’ll get it. But if everyone else hates it, you owe me.”
“Trust me on this. Also, you’re wearing it tomorrow night. Before you try to refuse, I will burn every other item of clothing you own if I have to.”
Well, if she isn’t the most obnoxiously demanding person I’ve ever met. I only thought Amber was, but good Lord, no. Zoe beats her on that front. “I will not argue, because I really like my wardrobe. But you have to wear a dress, too. We’re grilling at home for your brother’s birthday, we’re not going out on the town. So if I have to look like an overdressed idiot, so do you.”
She blows me a kiss and a wink. “Deal, seester.”
After we finished shopping we headed to the restaurant and filled our stomachs full of Mexican food. Zoe and I each ate our weight in chips and salsa. Then I devoured an order of steak fajitas in record time.
“This evening was exactly what I needed. I’ve spent way too much time with Damien lately,” Zoe chimes in as the waiter takes our payment.
“How are you two, anyways? I don’t get to ask much. We’re always together around Wes, and you know he is still sour over his friends wanting you.”
“Ah, you know. We’re good. I think. I’m just…fuck. I don’t know. He’s got issues that I don’t think I can figure out.” She sighs loudly.
“It happens,” I reply nonchalantly.
“I’m just in over my head. I’ve never cared for someone as much as I do Dame. But it just feels like there’s this entire part of him I don’t know about, and it’s pissing me off. It’s like one day he’s perfect in his own dark little way. But the next he could be so closed off I can’t get to him.”
“Maybe he’s an onion. You have to peel him back layer by layer,” I joke.
“Ha! I think you’re on to something. But seriously, I just wish he’d let me in. I really like him, but I’m not a girl who waits around for someone. Fucking sucks. He never should have asked me out, then this shit wouldn’t have happened.”
“Sorry, Z. I’ve got no advice for you there.”
“I hear ya,” she replies as the waiter brings back the receipts. “Let’s get out of here.”
We head out of the restaurant towards Zoe’s car. I go to step off the sidewalk when Zoe’s arm suddenly flies across my chest. “Stop!”
I turn to look at her. “What the hell?”
Her eyes spread wide in shock. “Unless you want to see Vanessa, we need to go another way.”
My heart falls from my chest. Is this a sick joke? She’s here? The Vanessa?
I careen my neck in the direction Zoe’s gaze just left from. A blonde haired woman walks away from a white Lexus. She hits the lock and the car horn beeps twice as she flips her head towards us. As she walks closer, Zoe hides her face from view. Not me. Nope, I need to see who this bitch is.
I have no idea what’s come over me, but my legs start stalking towards her before my mind has time to catch up. Vanessa is tall, maybe five foot ten. She’s model skinny, and has long, blonde hair that would make any girl envious. I’d be lying if I said her beauty didn’t make me cringe. Elli looks so much like her, and for some reason that sends a dagger straight to my heart. “Are you Vanessa?” I ask as I get to her.
She stops and turns to me, eyeing me up and down rudely. “Yes. You are?”
The clipped, bitchy tone in her voice is enough to make my claws want to extend. She glares down at me like I am someone lesser because I don’t look like a stick figure Barbie. Oh, no ma’am, I do not work that way. “Oh, I’m just the woman that took up the responsibility you left behind,” I snarl.
Her mouth drops open. “Excuse me?”
A smirk
slides across my face. “Does the name Ellison Taylor ring a bell? Wes Taylor, maybe?”
The realization slaps her in the face as Zoe comes to stand beside me. She folds her hands across her silicon induced chest. “What are they to you?” she finally barks back.
Did she really just ask me that? “What are they to you?” I’ll freaking tell her what they are to me. “To me? They’re everything to me. They’re the only thing that matters. I heard you were back. Wes told me he saw you at the bar.” Her mouth snaps into a hard line, satisfying me. “Yes, he told me. Just like he told me how you jetted from the responsibility of raising a family. But that’s okay. They’re my family now.”
She points her little manicured finger directly in my face. “I don’t think so. That’s my fucking daughter, bitch.”
Well, someone has a potty mouth, don’t they? Zoe goes to pipe in, but I shut her up. I hold my hand up. “I’ve got this, Z.” This is my battle, and I’ve spent too long cowering to those that tried to make me feel small. Not anymore. I gently bring her finger away from my face before I continue. “You see, that’s where you’re wrong. You birthed her, yes. But you gave up the title of ‘mother’ the day you walked out. The day you signed your rights over for furniture.” An evil laugh creeps into my throat. I can’t help it. Saying it out loud is absolute blasphemy. I turn to Zoe. “Furniture. Can you believe that?”
Vanessa retorts, “Let me educate you. She’s still my daughter, I carried her for nine months.” She forcefully hits her index finger against her chest to try to further her moot point, “I birthed her, and she has my blood.”
The claws have now retracted. I smack my lips together to try to calm myself down before I speak. I know if I speak while riled up I’m apt to stammer on my words. I want to make this as clear as possible to this blonde bimbo. I take a deep breath. “No, let me educate you. According to Georgia law, you have absolutely no rights to Elli. None. Zilch. You are no longer her mother in the eyes of the law. So let me give you a little insight on the little girl who calls me,” I mock her and point to my chest, “mommy. She’s terrified of storms and she wears rubber boots daily, no matter what her outfit is. Her favorite thing is tea parties and fishing with her daddy. She’s obsessed with Frozen, and loves anything that sparkles. She’s got a heart bigger than Texas, and a smile that will make anyone weak. She doesn’t fall asleep until her daddy or I tuck her in and tell her a bedtime story.” I step a little closer to her, wanting to ensure she understands me. “She might have your eyes and your hair color, but that’s the only thing you’ve given her in this life. If you love her like you claim you do, you won’t try to demolish everything she knows.”