Hard To Stay

by S. Jones

  I needed to explain this without completely screwing it up. Whatever ‘it’ was. I covered my face with both of my hands and sighed. “I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t let me hurt you. I let things go too far too fast and that’s on me. I had no business touching you like that. I’m really sorry.”

  She jerked her body away from mine, putting some distance between us. Then she quickly sat up and adjusted her tank top without saying a word.

  Having that space between us felt wrong.

  I rubbed my jaw wishing I could take back the words I’d just said. I was torn between doing what was right and doing what I wanted. God help me, now that I knew her touch, the little sounds she made, and the way she felt beneath me. How the hell was I supposed to just forget all that? I should’ve just said the hell with it and dealt with the consequences later but I knew in my heart what was right.

  She turned over and brought the comforter up to her chin “I’m sorry too, Brad, but I’m done. That’s the second time in the last forty-eight hours that you’ve kissed me and regretted it. I don’t want to hear how sorry you are. What I want you to do is to stop playing these mind games with me.”

  She tried to sound pissed, but the tremble in her voice was still audible. I didn’t just upset her, I had hurt her. Again.

  “You think this is a game to me, that I want to keep hurting you? Whether or not you believe me, you’re the last person I want to hurt.”

  “I believe you. I do, but that doesn’t change the fact that’s all you seem to do to me.”

  My mouth went flat, but I somehow managed to get the question out. “Tell me what to do so I can make this right?

  “Just leave me alone.”

  Her words felt like a slap to the face. It was clear that she’d had enough. She turned over, giving me her back after she had said all that was left to say.

  I threw myself down on the bed and covered my face with a pillow. I had fucked up again, and I wasn’t sure if I would get another chance this time to make it right.

  Chapter Eleven

  Lexi

  The car ride home was filled with awkward silence. Our attempts to make small talk were useless. Things had changed. We were both struggling and I could tell he was upset. However, I was done putting his feelings before my own. It didn’t matter how much he apologized. It didn’t matter how much I still wanted him. I wasn’t backing down this time.

  He’d move on eventually, I had no doubt about that. Whoever he chose, would be one lucky girl. It just wasn’t going to be me.

  When we pulled up to the curb at my apartment building, the moment seemed so final. I didn’t want to say goodbye to him, but I didn’t see any other way.

  Brad killed the engine and turned to me. “Is there anything I can do to fix this?”

  I wiped a small tear that ran down my cheek and shook my head. Even though I never came out and used the exact words, things needed to end between us.

  He let out a heavy sigh and leaned back in his seat. “I fucking hate this.” He said, understanding the finality of the situation.

  “I do too.” I admitted. “But it’s too hard for me to be near you all the time knowing that I can’t have you.”

  Brad let out a sarcastic laugh. “Welcome to my fucking world.”

  As if on cue, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I was so caught up in the moment and too distracted to check the caller ID before I answered.

  “Hey, gorgeous. I told you I would call.”

  I wanted to curse myself for picking up without knowing who it was. “Hello, Gage,” I replied, just in time to see Brad’s head snap to mine. “Can I call you back in a few minutes?”

  “No need, I was just calling to remind you that I would be picking you up at seven tomorrow night.” I fell back into the seat and closed my eyes. I totally forgot that I’d agreed to go out with him tomorrow night. This was the last thing I wanted, but maybe it was the distraction I needed.

  “That’s right.” I nervously said into the phone. “I’ll see you tomorrow at seven.” I confirmed, then clicked end call before I could change my mind.

  Brad glared at me. His jaw was locked tight, he looked furious. Angry Brad, was actually pretty damn hot. “You’re not fucking serious, are you?”

  “I’m sorry you don’t approve, but you don’t actually get a say in who I decide to date.” I snapped back and slipped my phone into my purse before placing it on my lap.

  He inched his body across the car invading my personal space, causing the hairs on my arms to stand at attention. “The guy’s a piece of shit who goes through women like I do underwear. He’s not good enough for you.”

  His jealousy only fueled my anger. “Well you know what, he actually wants me, unlike someone else we know.”

  He flinched, but quickly recovered. He narrowed his eyes, the fury in them had me slinking further back in my seat. “That’s where you’re wrong. He doesn’t want you like I do. He just wants to fuck you. Is that what you want?”

  His words felt like a blow that came out of nowhere. What he said was probably true, but he was still out of line. “Maybe a fling is just what I need.” I said trying to sound confident when in fact all I was doing was protecting myself.

  He was pissed, and I was frustrated. Not a great combination. This wasn’t who we were. Regardless of what had happened, he was there for me whenever I needed someone. He had gone above and beyond the call of duty, and in spite of everything, his friendship was one of the few things that actually felt right in my life. The thought of losing him made me sad.

  “Is that really what you want? He’s nothing but a player who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself.” Even through his sunglasses, I could still see the fire in his eyes. He was mad. No, not mad. Furious.

  There were so many things I wanted to say, but the way he looked at me had all my words coming to a stop. I reached for the door handle with a heavy heart. “No, that’s not what I want. What I want is a man who is emotionally available. I didn’t go to all the trouble of running from my past just to end up at another dead end.”

  “I’m still going to make sure you’re protected from Colton. Even though you don’t want anything to do with me, I’m not going to let him hurt you.”

  “I’m not your responsibility, Brad.”

  “You were never just a responsibility to me, Lexi. You’ve always been so much more than that. My feelings about you haven’t changed. But I care about you enough to give you the space you need. I can still protect you without being a part of your life. I’m not going to let up until I know you’re safe.”

  I gently pushed the door open and stepped into the blinding sunlight. Brad jumped out of the car, slamming the door behind him and walked over to the trunk. He went to reach for my bag, but I grabbed it first. “Damn it, Lexi, give me the damned bag.”

  “No,” I said, feeling utterly deflated. I tried to ignore the cab horns blaring in the distance and the guys in front of us swearing at each other in Spanish as they unloaded the produce off their delivery truck. I tried to block it all out and imagine that it was just the two of us standing outside my apartment building, which was impossible in a city of eight million people. That was one of the few things I missed about home. The comfortable feeling of the Georgia countryside. Miles and miles of tree-lined roads and the simple sounds of nature covered by a clear, blue sky. New York City couldn’t be any more different than Georgia and this Brad couldn’t be any more different than the guy I was falling for. He was hard to walk away from but I guess I had become pretty good at walking away lately.

  “I got this,” I finally told him, holding onto my overnight bag for dear life, as if it could somehow shield me from the hurt.

  He turned to me with his beautiful brown eyes turning dark. I could see the struggle on his face as he worked a muscle back and forth on his jaw. “This is goodbye, isn’t it?”

  I surprised him by standing on my tiptoes and planting a small kiss on the corner of his mouth. “Thank you,
Brad.” I whispered, feeling my hair blow in the wind. He reached out and smoothed a piece of it down, letting his palm linger on my jaw. “I hope you find what you’re looking for. You’re a great guy. I’m sorry our timing wasn’t right.”

  “I’m sorry too, but I’m not sorry I met you.” His tone was thick with so much emotion that for a split second, I thought about changing my mind.

  My stupid tears began slipping from my eyes before I could swipe them away. He tenderly pressed the pad of his thumb under my eyes and pushed the wetness off my cheek. “You can do so much better than Garrison.”

  The power of his touch and the look in his eye was the reason I had to end this. “And you deserve a much better life than the life you’re living.” I placed my overnight bag over my shoulder and walked towards the entrance of my building. The tears were coming down faster than I could stop them. I couldn’t look back. I wouldn’t look back. No matter how painful it was, ending it was the right thing to do.

  Chapter Twelve

  Lexi

  I was torn on what to wear for my date tonight. I wanted to look nice, but not nice enough to where Gage would get the wrong idea. So I settled for something in-between. I picked something understated that didn’t call too much attention to my body. I picked a sleek, black, sleeveless dress with a small slit up the front.

  My hair was set in a side ponytail with soft ringlets cascading over my shoulder. Considering my face had a slight tan from Cape May, I decided to keep my make-up to a minimum. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and sighed. The events of this past weekend really did a number on me. I tried my best to hide the dark circles under my eyes but eventually gave up. There wasn’t a concealer made that could cover up misery.

  The chime of the doorbell interrupted my thoughts. I took a deep breath, ran my hands down the length of my dress, and swung the door open.

  Gage was standing there in a pair of grey dress slacks with a black button down. He flashed me a mischievous grin that screamed, ‘I like to have fun’.

  “Well, don’t you look all kinds of hot?” The sexy smirk he sent my way was tempting, but it didn’t strike anything inside me or set my world on fire. But that didn’t matter; he was handsome and was happy to see me. So, score a point for Gage.

  “Well, thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself.” I said, taking in his handsome appearance. He really was easy on the eyes, almost too easy to the point that there was nothing special about his looks. Just another pretty face. He didn’t have a playful smile or a genuine grin that made my body flush with warmth. He didn’t have dark brown hair that matched his eyes so perfectly they made me feel like a one-woman man prize. His dark black hair was slicked back and his silver-grey eyes looked like they didn’t take shit from anyone. I really needed to stop comparing every little feature to Brad’s.

  His smirk blew into a full-blown grin when he caught me checking him out. “Ready?” I asked, with a polite smile, eager to get on with this date before I changed my mind.

  “I’ve been ready since you said yes,” he replied, reaching for my hand. I glanced down at him with hesitation. This was a date, so this was perfectly normal, right? I slipped my hand inside his and it felt odd. Not anything like when Brad held my hand. Gage’s hand felt uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I silently reminded myself as we walked out of my apartment to push whatever thoughts I had of Brad out of my head, and concentrate on having a good time.

  When we arrived at the restaurant, I was caught off guard by how nice it was inside. Sparks was a well-known steakhouse on the lower East Side that had a reputation for being expensive. Gage had gone all out. It also had the less desirable reputation as the place where mob boss Paul Castellano was whacked on their front sidewalk. A little fact I learned as Gage flirted with the hostess while we waited for our table.

  A maître’d in a black tux greeted us and showed us to our table. Gage walked around and pulled my chair out for to me to sit. He was really making an effort.

  He slid his large frame into the seat across from me and smiled. “I hope you like steak?”

  Arching an eyebrow, I glanced around the room noticing the tastefully decorated walls that were lined with expensive paintings and famous patrons. “In case you didn’t know, I’m from the south. It’s pretty much in my DNA.”

  The truth was it wasn’t the food that caused me to pause. It was the restaurant. It reminded me of the girl I used to be. The one who always had to worry about which fork to use with the salad and which one to use with the entrée. The one who had to place her napkin in her lap just right, sit straight with her shoulders back and smile, even if she didn’t feel like it. Because that’s what was expected of her.

  The waiter approached, disrupting my unpleasant trip down memory lane. He unfolded a big leather binder, which included the wine list and set it down in front of us to look over. “Good evening, my name is Jason, I will be your server this evening. Can I start you both off with something to drink?”

  “I’ll have a Hendricks with lime and a splash of tonic.” Gage replied, without even looking at the wine list.

  “And you, Ma’am?” The waiter glanced at me.

  “I’ll have a chardonnay, please.”

  “Would you like to look at the wine we serve by the glass?” The waiter asked.

  “No, the house is fine.”

  “Very well.” He said, retrieving the wine list and walking away.

  “So,” Gage said, resting his hands on the table. “How am I doing so far? Does this meet your approval?”

  I wanted to tell him that it was a little over the top but instead I told him. “It’s lovely, thank you.”

  “I aim to please.” He said, with a glint in his eye. It was clear that Gage expected his woman to be impressed with his looks and charm. And judging by his outward confidence, it had never failed him.

  “I’m pretty easy to please, so you should be good.” I said, with a smile, trying to keep the conversation light.

  Gage’s lips pulled up into a grin. “I’m not sure about that, the easy part I mean. I have a feeling you’re going to make me work for every minute I spend with you. But just for the record, I do like my women easy.”

  The guy sounded like a total douchebag, but I’m sure he didn’t think so. I ignored his comment and looked over my menu to avoid eye contact with him. The waiter came back with our drinks and took our order.

  Gage took a sip from his glass as he looked me over like he was taking stock of a prize heifer at the County Fair. “So, tell me what you like to do for fun?”

  I thought that over for a beat. I didn’t consider myself a fun person with an endless list of hobbies. I mean, I liked to cook, and I enjoyed outdoor activities, but those weren’t necessarily hobbies. “I guess if you call traveling and listening to country music fun, then that’s me.”

  “Does that mean you like to dance, too? Because there is nothing hotter than an attractive girl in a tight pair of daisy dukes.”

  “Are you always this smooth? Ready with a line?” I asked, which only caused him to laugh.

  “That depends,” his eyes zeroed in on my cleavage, “Do you always look this good? Because if you do…” His head lifted to mine. “I can be as smooth as a baby’s bottom.” He winked and then took another pull of his drink.

  During the time that I prayed for our meals to arrive I noticed that Gage’s favorite topic of conversation was Gage. Over the next 30 minutes I learned about how beautiful he was as a baby, how academically gifted he was as a student, what an incredible athlete he was in college and how worshipped he was by the entire female population. Even when I did manage to squeeze in a question, he seemed to have an answer for everything and quickly turned the topic back to him. It felt like I was dining with Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.

  It made me more determined to see if Brad could have been wrong about him because this was almost sad. Was there really more to Gage Garrison, or was it what you see is what you get? The inquisitive part of my bra
in couldn’t help but wonder what made these two such enemies.

  So, I cut into my steak and went for it. “I’ve been meaning to ask you… what’s the deal between you and Brad. Is there a reason why you guys don’t get along?”

  Gage’s eyes narrowed while running his thumb along his bottom lip, thinking it over. “Morgan and I have always seemed to find ourselves at odds with one another. We’ve never really gotten along. And lately, it seems like we have our eyes set on the same thing.”

  Was he talking about me? His prized calf on the other side of the table? I sure hoped not. Even though I’d agreed to this date, this night wouldn’t go any further than this restaurant. In fact, I’m not sure we would even make it to dessert. I would not be used as a pawn in some childish game. He needed to understand that his efforts tonight were pointless.

  “You know that Brad and I are friends, right?”

  Gage rested his elbows on the table and leaned in. “Friends, huh?” He smirked, blinking with feigned innocence. “Sure didn’t look that way to me last Friday night.” He replied without missing a beat.

  I reached for my water, trying to hide how uncomfortable and angry this conversation was making me. “How it looked seems kind of irrelevant, considering that’s all we are.”

  He knitted his brow and leaned back in his chair. “You know that he’s still hung up on his ex, right?”

  Like I needed a reminder. “Yes. I’m aware.”

  “Good. Then just so we’re clear, I don’t want to be your friend.”

  “No?” I asked, “then what do you want from me?”

  A cocky smile stretched across his entire face. “I want you to come home with me tonight.”

  The only thing bigger than the balls on this guy was his ego. I coughed, spluttering part of my drink out. Picking up the napkin I wiped my chin. “Wow, you don’t beat around the bush at all, do you?”

  “I know what I want and when I want something, I don’t play games going after it.”