Lullaby of Tears

by Becs, Lindsay

  “I’ve been told,” I say with a sigh. “I really have to go though, or I’m gonna be late.”

  “Fine,” he huffs, letting me go and handing me my bra.

  “You were hiding it, weren’t you?”

  “Maybe,” he says with a mischievous grin. “I told you before. I like you naked.” He shrugs.

  “I like you the same way,” I say as I smack his still-naked ass.

  “You do that again and I’ll make sure you are late getting home.”

  “Next time,” I sing with a wink as I head for the stairs. Stopping at the door, I stoop down so I can see him. “Same time tomorrow?”

  “Can’t. I have plans.”

  “You done with me already?” I tease.

  “No, but I am meeting Rachel for coffee,” Case says, and it stops me dead in my tracks. I feel my heart pounding in my chest.

  “You have to be fucking kidding me,” I squeak out.

  “No. She wants to talk. It’s no big deal. I’ll call you after if you want.”

  “I thought we were giving this a shot, Case,” I say as I sit down on the step before I fall down.

  “Lily, it’s just coffee. Besides, you and I are just having fun. I didn’t think it was super serious or anything.” He says this as he leans over the steps and kisses me on the cheek.

  I close my eyes and shake my head. “You’re right. We’re just having fun.”

  “Lil, I like what we have going on. But I’m not the boyfriend type. If that’s what you want, I’m sorry, but you won’t get that from me.”

  “You’re right,” I say again, “I’ll see you the day after. Have a good time tomorrow.” I give a small smile and get up and walk out the door before I cry.

  By the time I reach my car, the tears are already falling down my face. I drive home sobbing the entire time. Once I’m in the driveway, I check my face to make sure I’m cleaned up enough that my mom won’t ask questions when I walk in.

  I eat dinner with my parents, not saying much. I ask to be excused and go upstairs to take a bath. I put on some music and sink into the warm water, hoping it will take away what I’m feeling. The whole time, I’m racking my brain on what to do. I like Case. I love how he makes me feel. Maybe I can be that girl. The friend with benefits.

  I mean, not even he can deny our chemistry. It’s off the charts, and the more we do together, the better it gets. I guess practice does make perfect.

  I can do it. I can be friends with benefits with Case.

  I sink into the water and hold my breath until I can’t anymore. When I come up for air, I feel different. Like I flipped a switch. I’m determined to make this work. So, I build a wall around my heart.

  * * *

  “What happened to ‘I’m not the boyfriend type?’” I ask Case. I can’t even look at him. I’m trying to make this work, and he has the audacity to tell me that he’s going to ‘give it a go’ with Rachel?

  “Lil, I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting it when I met with her last night. I swear,” he says, trying to take my hand. I pull it back because I don’t want him touching me. “I really like her. You can’t fault me for being honest.”

  “You’re right,” I say, getting up to leave. “See you at church on Sunday, Case.” With that, I close the door behind me and leave his house.

  When I get home, I’m not even crying. I’m just mad. I don’t know who he thinks he is that he can turn on me like that, but whatever.

  I’ve been taught my whole life to be a good girl, to save myself for marriage. That’s what good girls do. Well, it’s too late for me now. I gave in so easily to the first guy who showed me attention, and I don’t even know.

  No good, respectful guy is going to want me now that I’m wearing a scarlet letter around my neck. I feel it weighing me down. It’s heavy, pressing down on me.

  I cover my shame in armor, telling myself that it’s okay to stop caring. I already let my parents down. Lola. Myself.

  Me: You still mad at me?

  Lola: Are you still with Case?

  Me: Nope

  Lola: Then no :)

  Me: Let’s hit Whitey’s tomorrow. Late celebration for school out for summer.

  Lola: Yesssss

  Me: XO

  Lola: XO

  * * *

  “Damn, girl! You look fine,” I say to Lola as she gets out of the car, trying to give her my best Brooklyn accent.

  “Please don’t talk like that all night,” she laughs.

  “Would this please the madam better?” I ask, this time with a British accent.

  “Sweet baby Jesus! Stop!” she yells at me, making us both laugh as we walk arm in arm up to the door. They let us in without any problem, like usual.

  We find a table and sit, order our drinks and wait for the performing band to start. “Who’s catching your eye?” I ask.

  “Eh.” She shrugs.

  “Are you still waiting for Nate?”

  “No... Maybe… I don’t know,” she almost whines.

  “Lo, let’s have fun tonight. No thinking. Just fun. Ok?”

  “Ok. Let’s dance!” she yells, grabbing my arm and pulling me onto the dance floor. She yanks so hard I think she’s going to pull my arm out of the socket.

  “Ow! A little excited there?” I ask, rubbing my arm where I can still see her handprint. That’s going to bruise.

  “Oh, shut up. You’re the one who said fun and no thinking.”

  “Ok. Starting now!” I yell as I start to dance wildly around her like a bird.

  “I might seriously kill you tonight. Why are you trying so hard to embarrass me, Lily?” She is covering her eyes with her hands and standing still while I am laughing so hard I might have to pee.

  “Your face just then made me looking ridiculous so worth it though,” I laugh. Once I get myself together and stop laughing, I stand up tall, smooth my dress and try to act like nothing weird happened.

  “You are so stupid,” Lola laughs. “Why do I hang out with you?”

  “Because you love me,” I say with a wink.

  We dance the night away. We each have guys come up and try to dance with us, but we didn’t want to leave the other alone. We are sitting down now to catch our breath, and it feels good to get off my feet for a minute.

  “I gotta pee. I’ll be right back,” I say, trying to stand up slowly, knowing my feet are going to hate me.

  “Ok. I’m digging this band tonight. I’ll be here jamming,” she says with a hand wave.

  I turn the corner for the bathroom and see the guy standing there who had asked me to dance earlier. “Hey,” he says with a small smile, “I’m Luka.”

  “I gotta pee,” I say, walking past him to the bathroom. I can hear him laugh as he watches me. When I walk back out, Luka is still there. “You waiting for me?” I ask surprised.

  “Kind of,” he says while rubbing his hands through his blonde curls. “What’s your name?”

  I stand there for a minute with my hand on my hip. “Lily,” I finally respond. “Let’s get this over with,” I say as I grab him by the shirt and pull him into me and kiss him.

  I can tell I threw him off because his body is so tense at first. But once I push my tongue into his mouth, he starts to relax. He tastes like tequila, and it makes me want more of him. I pull him into me tighter, and I feel his hands traveling down until they are grabbing my ass. When he squeezes, it makes my breath falter and pull apart from our kiss. “Sorry,” I say with a sideways smile, trying to gain the courage to continue with this stranger.

  “I’m not,” he says as he lifts his shirt a little. When I look down, I see not only his divine abs, but his cock is so hard and tall that it’s sticking out of the top of his pants. My eyes go wide, and I can’t take them off of him… or it. Holy fuckballs.

  “Oh my,” is all I can seem to say.

  “Come on,” he says, taking my hand and leading me out back.

  “You aren’t a psycho, are you?” I ask with a smile as we enter the back all
ey behind Whitey’s, the very one where I have other memories with Mitch. Memories I don’t deserve.

  “No. Are you?” he asks, returning my smile.

  “I don’t think so, but I’m not telling,” I singsong.

  “Fuck me, you’re a feisty one.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay? Okay to what?” he asks with a confused look.

  “You said ‘Fuck me.’ I’m just saying okay. Okay, you can indeed, fuck me,” I say as I saunter closer to him.

  This is who I am now, right? The girl who messes around with guys in back alleys and cars, giving parts of herself to whomever wants her. Case took from me and Mitch didn’t want me. But this guy does. And right now, this feels good. I want to feel wanted.

  “Where have you been all my life?” he says while wrapping my hair around his hand.

  “Right here, baby. Wet, willing and able,” I say with a smirk. Who am I right now?

  He lets out a low growl as he pulls my head back by my hair, giving him better access to my neck as he assaults it with kisses. When he bites down, I know this is going to be fun.

  I push him until his back is against the wall. I hear the air in his lungs rush out when he hits it. I look him straight in the eyes as I reach down and grab his cock firmly and rub it from top to bottom. I do this a few times, never taking my eyes off of him. By the third time, he stops my hand, grabs me and turns me so that I’m facing the wall, with my hands above my head.

  I know exactly what is coming, and I can’t wait to know how it’ll feel to have him inside me. From what I saw, he’s bound to hit my cervix. I hear him unzip his pants, followed by the crinkle of a condom wrapper being opened. I glance over my shoulder to watch him roll the condom down his gigantic length.

  He takes a step closer and lifts my skirt, pressing himself against me. I push back into him more, letting him know that I’m a willing participant. At that, I feel a snap as he rips my panties off and throws them on the ground. The sting and excitement from it is making me feel all sorts of things.

  He reaches up my shirt, massaging my breast, and when he pinches my nipple, I whimper, “Please.”

  “Brace yourself, sweetheart,” he says into my ear. I do as he says while pushing into him again. He lets out another low growl, and then I feel him at my entrance. He has one hand on my hip as he pushes my feet apart wider to gain better access.

  With his other hand, I feel him graze my sensitive nub as he spreads my lips and slowly makes his way in. He’s gentle not to hurt me. He rocks in and out a few times, slicking himself while making me able to handle him. The way he’s rubbing my clit while slowly rocking in and out is the best feeling I’ve ever had.

  I push back into him again to take him in further. “You like that, sweetheart?” he breathes into my ear, and all I can do is nod in response before he thrusts all the way in. It takes my breath away. He does it again and again. Now I’m breathing and moaning again, seeing stars.

  “Don’t… stop…” I say breathlessly. He is rubbing me in all the best ways while slamming into me. The pain mixed with such pleasure is euphoric. “I’m about to come,” I manage to get out.

  “Take it all, sweetheart.” With that, I feel myself being pulled into bliss, with him following soon after. We both ride it out as long as we can.

  I stand there with this stranger still inside of me, catching my breath with my eyes closed and my head resting on my outstretched arm. I smile big. “It was nice meeting you.”

  I feel his chest vibrate with laughter on my back. It’s then that I realize he’s trying to catch his breath too, mimicking my stance with his head leaning on his arm. I didn’t realize he was so tall before. I’m surprised we made it work like this.

  I feel cold when I feel him pull out and pull my skirt down. Fun time is over. I stand up and adjust my clothes, turning to face him. “We should do this again sometime.” I smile.

  He leans down and leaves one sweet kiss on my lips. “I would love to, but I’m just here visiting. I leave tomorrow.”

  “Oh,” I say with big eyes.

  “I wasn’t trying to do... that,” he says pointing to the wall behind me.

  “That was all me, big guy. Don’t worry about it.” I pat him on the chest a few times.

  “I’ve never actually done anything like this,” he says, looking down at his feet. This tall, sexy man looking shy and nervous is adorable.

  “Well, me either. But I’d say we did pretty good.”

  “Yeah, I think so,” he says, looking up at me now, smiling wide.

  “I need to get back inside before my friend starts to freak out,” I say, pointing with my thumb over my shoulder toward the door.

  “Yeah, me too. Uh, thanks?” he says with a smirk, rubbing his hands through his curls like he did outside the bathroom before.

  I giggle. “No, thank you. Really, that was, uh, that was pretty spectacular. I’d say you earned bragging rights to the ‘super-hot girl you bagged while visiting,’” I say with a wink.

  He laughs. “Yeah, ditto.”

  “If you ever come back, look me up.”

  “I’ll definitely do that.”

  “See you later, big guy.” With that, I turn and walk toward the door.

  “Wait,” he yells. I stop and turn to look at him. “Can I get your number or full name so I can, in fact, look you up next time I’m here?”

  “Do you really want it?” I tease. “You already got a home run.”

  “I really do.”

  “Lily Arnold.”

  “Luka Grable.”

  “Like I said before, it was nice to meet you, Luka.”

  “You too, Lily, you too.”

  10

  Mitch

  We’re halfway through the tour. We finished our set an hour ago, and now I’m sitting on the tour bus by myself. The rest of the guys are off partying and enjoying groupies who follow the tour and bands across the country.

  Some nights I go with them and hang out, but most of the time I enjoy the quiet on the bus by myself. It’s the only time I can usually be alone to think and let my mind turn off.

  Or like tonight, it’s wandering to where I don’t let it go very often. To Lily.

  I softly strum my fingers over the strings on my guitar, picking out a tune that’s yet to be put to paper and matched with words. Closing my eyes, I let myself have this moment. These few minutes to picture Lily. Bright smile, shining blue eyes, petite and perfect. She’s the star of my dreams more often than not.

  A smile tugs on my lips as I picture her that last night before it went to shit. Wearing only my shirt, lying back on the bed surrounded by the fluffy comforter and pillows. Her blonde hair like a halo of big curls after she took the pins out from the updo she had for the wedding. Damn, she was beautiful.

  Halo of gold

  Soul of plenty

  Beauty so bold

  Heart so pure.

  Tragic we end

  Burned in the end

  Lovers we never could have been

  Draped in silk

  Eyes shine bright

  You were the one

  who started the fight

  Tragic we end

  Burned in the end

  Lovers we never could have been

  I hum lowly, strumming the tune that’s searing into my mind, the image of Lily all I see as the chords take over and words pour out of me.

  “What is that?” I hear Brix ask as he walks back to my bunk.

  “It’s nothing,” I say, putting my guitar to the side.

  He stands there for a second looking at me, deciding whether to push or not. “It was good. You should record it or at least write it down so you don’t lose it. Even if you don’t want to sing it now.”

  But that’s just it; I can never forget. Not when it’s the memory that won’t leave me alone. Begging me to remember her.

  “Why you back so soon? You fuck all the groupies so that there’s no one left for you to disappoint?” I joke, t
aking a sip of my Coke.

  He snorts a laugh. “Hardly. The guys from Final Cry pulled out some harder drugs, and that was my cue to leave. I’m not getting involved with that shit. Not after I’ve lived life with an addict. I have no plans on becoming like my worthless mom.”

  “It always amazes me how at the first sight of fame and fortune so many turn to drugs and ruin everything they’ve worked for. What’s the fucking point?”

  “Got me. The high always ends. Maybe they didn’t learn yet,” Brix muses as he climbs up into his own bunk that’s across from mine. “Play that riff again,” he says with his own guitar on his knee, his legs hanging over the side of the bunk.

  Groaning because I know he isn’t going to let this go, I sit up with my guitar and begin to play again. He soon adds to what I’m playing, and before long, it’s a melody sewn together that fits perfectly.

  “Sing it,” he says after a while.

  Begrudgingly, I do. Or at least what I have so far. We repeat it a few times, and when we stop, he stares at me. “That’s haunting and beautiful all at once. That’s a hit, man.”

  I shake my head. “No, that is just me fooling around. This song isn’t going anywhere past this bus.”

  Finally, he nods. “Okay, Mitch. But if you change your mind, let me know.”

  “Yep,” I reply curtly.

  I lie back down, closing the curtain, the only source of privacy I have. My eyes shut, and there she is again. I can’t get her out of my mind tonight, and I don’t know why. It’s almost like I know something is wrong and my subconscious is trying to tell me.

  I push the thought out of my head. She chose him. She ran to him. She didn’t want me. Not really. I’m just the friend. Always the friend.

  11

  Lily

  Since school let out for the summer last month, I have managed to give parts of myself to more and more guys. I’ve only actually had sex with Case and Luka, but I’ve definitely been getting busy with the others to varying degrees.