Lullaby of Tears

by Becs, Lindsay

  I don’t know why, but I haven’t told Lo anything, and I most definitely left out the sex with Luka part. She knows I kissed him, but I didn’t tell her anything else.

  After Case left me, without hesitation, I was feeling pretty low and crappy. When Luka happened, I felt wanted and desired. But that only lasted so long until I was home alone and thinking about what I did. Then I felt disgusted with myself. Why do I keep doing it though? I like how I feel at the moment because I’m feeling something. Otherwise, I feel numb.

  I turn off any care I used to have for the morals I was brought up to have, the respect for myself and my body. I stopped caring about any of it, numbing myself so I didn’t have to feel the guilt or shame for what I’d done.

  To most people, it wasn’t a big deal to sleep with a guy or two in high school, but not in my house. In my house that was sinful. It was a dirty sin that I couldn’t wash away.

  Instead, I masked it by turning off any feeling, except for pleasure. The only problem was that after the flood of euphoria ran dry, I didn’t feel anything but empty. I felt nothing at all.

  After I made out with dude number three, I went home to soak my filth off. I was getting ready to shave my legs and was staring at the razor blades. I made a cut on the inside of my left thigh, then just sat there numb as always, watching the blood swirl in the water. At that moment, I thought back to Mitch and what I could have had if I hadn’t messed it up.

  I deserved pain. Cutting myself again, I applied more pressure this time. I made a slice through the first one, creating an ‘X.’ I liked that I felt it. The sensation of pain was what I deserved, what I wanted, and I could feel it. Even if it only lasted for a short second. I felt something.

  Each time after that, when I let myself go physically with a guy, I went home and I cut. Other nights I just did it to feel. Some were deeper than others. Some bled more than others. Some hurt more than others. But I did it because I deserved to hurt and I liked that I could feel that hurt.

  It was weird because, on one hand, I loved the way it felt to have a man’s hands on me, their lips touching me. I felt sexy, desired, wanted, needed, and it was damn fun in the moment. I mean, who doesn’t like an amazing orgasm? And I was getting some good ones. On the other hand, I felt used, dirty, undeserving of love and alone, especially after, when I was left in my own darkness.

  I’m coping the only way I know how. By trying to feel through the numbness. By putting on a fake smile. By lying to everyone who asks me if I’m okay. Because I’m not okay. I’m far from it. And I’m hiding and lying to everyone around me. Including Lola.

  * * *

  “Hello,” I say with a yawn as I answer my phone. I didn’t even look to see who was calling, waking me up from a nap.

  “Lily, you ok?”

  “Case?” I’d know his voice anywhere. Sitting up in bed, I ask, “What’s up?”

  “Did I wake you up?”

  “Yeah, I was taking a nap. Lo and I were out at Whitey’s late last night,” I say around another yawn.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up. I can call back later if you want.”

  “I’m up now. What’s going on? Why did you call?”

  “Rachel broke up with me.”

  And here we go… The line stays quiet for a minute. “Sorry,” I say, but it comes out like a question.

  “I shouldn’t have called. I’ll talk to you later.”

  “No. I’m sorry.”

  “Can you come over?”

  “Are you serious right now? I haven’t heard from you in months. You cut me out for her, and now that she’s left, you want me?” I spit out.

  “I’m sorry, Lily. Please?”

  “Ugh! I’ll be there in a few,” I say and then hang up without saying goodbye.

  * * *

  I’ve been sitting in his driveway for fifteen minutes, wondering what I’m doing. This is the guy who broke me, and the second he calls and wants me, I go running. I’m so dumb.

  It’s then that I look up and see Case walking toward my car. He knocks on the window with a small smile. “You gonna come in?”

  “I don’t know if I should.”

  “Please?” he asks as he opens the door for me.

  “Okay, but I’m only staying for thirty minutes. Tops.”

  “I’ll take what I can get.”

  I get out of my car and follow him inside and to the basement. Once I’m down there, I find myself looking around and thinking about all the things we did down here, including him taking my virginity.

  “Can you please tell me why I’m here, Case? What do you want?” I ask with my arms folded in front of me.

  “I want you.”

  “I’m sorry, what?” I say loudly as I turn to face him. I did not see that coming.

  “I want you, Lil. I miss you. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry for that, but I need you now.”

  “What the hell am I supposed to do with that?” I say as my hands go flying up.

  “Be with me.”

  “Case…”

  “Be with me.”

  “I don’t…” And he cuts my words off with a kiss. A soft short one, but enough to make me stop talking.

  “Do it again,” I say, looking up at him with my hands on his chest now. He bends his head down and kisses me with so much intensity. His arms are wrapped around my body, and it feels so warm and good. I return his kiss and part my lips to welcome his tongue.

  Before I know it, I’m stripped down with Case inside me. Holy fuckballs. I moan his name as I come, and I feel him swell as he comes along with me. Once he’s done, he’s quick to sit up and clean up.

  “Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” I find myself asking as I sit up looking for where my clothes landed.

  “No.” His answer throws me back. It’s not like him to be so short with me.

  “What then? Because you’re acting like I just gave you leprosy or something.”

  “We didn’t use a condom. Again.”

  “Oh shit.”

  “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. You felt so good. And then you moaned my name…” He trails off.

  “I need to go,” I say as I get up and start to dress in a hurry.

  “Lily, stop,” he says, grabbing my arm to get my attention. “It’ll be okay. We just can’t do this anymore.”

  “Excuse me? You’re the one who called me over here! You’re the one who kissed me! You’re the one who fucked me! Again! And you’re the one who didn’t suit up!” I scream at him.

  “Shut up. My mom is going to hear you,” he hisses.

  “You fucked me with your mom upstairs?”

  “You didn’t mind last time.”

  “Fuck you, Case! Fuck. You!!” I scream as loud as I can. I stomp upstairs and out the door, slamming it behind me.

  * * *

  I run inside my house and up to my bathroom, instantly throwing up. I turn on the water for the bathtub, and when I climb in and feel the water rush over me, I also feel tears falling down my face. It’s the first time I’ve cried since the last time Case left me to feel like a piece of discarded garbage.

  Maybe I am. I’m used.

  I’ve given so much of myself away, and none of it even mattered or meant anything. I’m not worthy of love, and I’m definitely not worthy of Mitch anymore. He’ll never want me now.

  I grab my razor to start my ritual, cutting my thigh five times, but I still can’t feel anything. When I pick up my razor to make another cut, I stop at my wrist this time. I sit there and stare at it, the sharp blade resting on my wrist with residual blood dripping from it. I can see all the little blue veins in my wrist. They all look so vibrant against my pale skin. Which one do you cut to end it? Wait. Do I want to end it? Do I want to die?

  The thought scares me, and I drop the razor in the water and begin to sob into my hands. I sit and cry until the water is cold and I’m shaking. I take a deep breath and drain the tub. Once it’s empty, I fill the bath again with clean, warm w
ater. Taking a deep breath, I watch the water grow higher, washing over my still-red leg. I lean back and close my eyes, just breathing. Trying to learn to breathe again. To live again.

  Once I’m back in my room, I climb into bed and open my journal.

  Alone I cry in the dark

  Alone I suffer in sadness

  Will you ever see my broken heart?

  Or will I always be left in darkness?

  I fall into the open abyss

  Searching for something you’ll never give

  But one day I will rise again

  And at that moment new life will begin.

  * * *

  I can’t stop crying, and I can hardly catch my breath. How did I get to this point? How did I get to where I actually thought about ending my life? How did I get to where I felt I couldn’t come back?

  Fuck this shit. This isn’t me. I don’t want it to be me.

  Me: I really need you. Can you come over?

  Lola: I’ll be there soon.

  Lola: XO

  Me: XO

  * * *

  I haven’t been able to look at Lola since I started to come clean and confess to my best friend, my soul sister, what I’ve been keeping from her. I also haven’t been able to stop crying and apologizing.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have been there, Lil.”

  “You got so mad after the first time with Case. Then things got so much worse. I was doing horrible things. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t handle you seeing me the way I saw myself.”

  “You made some seriously fucked-up choices. But if you truly needed me, I would have been there.”

  I finally look up at my friend and see the tears falling down her face too. I know she would have. “I’m so, so sorry, Lo. I’ve made a mess of everything. Of my life.”

  “But that shit doesn’t have to define you, Lily. You can stop, and you can come back from this. Move forward. You’re stronger than this. Stronger than you realize.”

  “I hope so.”

  “Did you tell your mom?”

  “Hell. No.”

  “I get that, but she might be there for you more than you think.”

  “Doubtful. She still thinks I’m a virgin,” I say with an eye-roll. “That ship has long since sailed.”

  “Ok, well, regardless you have me.” She reaches over and pulls me in for a hug, which makes me break out into another round of sobs. How are there any more tears left to cry? My eye sockets have to run dry soon.

  “Thank you, Lola. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “So, what movie are we watching?”

  I smile at my friend for knowing everything I need.

  “She’s All That,” I say with a small smile.

  * * *

  It’s been two months since I left Case’s house, hit rock bottom and finally told Lola what had been going on. It’s been hard to move on. I’m still struggling with wanting to cut, and the self-doubt and loathing can be fierce sometimes, but I’m doing okay. I’m living.

  Lo and I have gotten back to where we were before. We hang out almost every day. We watch old cheesy high school movies, eat junk food and just act stupid. I love this girl so much. She is my soulmate friend for life. She’s my person.

  We have one more week until school starts up again. My senior year, Lola’s junior. We plan on this year being our year. We are going to swear off boys and just have fun. Only this time, I mean it.

  It’s Friday night and we’re watching Riding in Cars with Boys, a movie about a teenage pregnancy, when I realize that I haven’t had a period in a while. “Holy fuckballs,” I say under my breath.

  “What’d you say?”

  “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…” I curse and start to panic.

  “Whoa. What’s going on, Lil?”

  “I haven’t had a period in a while.”

  Lola sits up now. “Define ‘in a while.’”

  “Umm…” I’m trying to think in my head and calculate. “Maybe a few months.”

  “Please tell me you used protection with Mr. Dickless.”

  “Oxymoron right now, isn’t it?”

  “Doesn’t matter right now, Lily!” she yells at me. “Sorry. But seriously. Lily. Did you use something?”

  I just sit there in horror, staring at my friend. Holy fuckballs.

  “Oh fuck, Lily,” Lola finally says while dropping her head.

  “The first time he pulled out. The last time he didn’t.”

  “What about that other guy. Luke?”

  “Luk-a,” I correct for some reason. “He used a condom.”

  “Shit.”

  “Shit,” I repeat after my friend.

  Lola gets up and starts to head for the door, and I’m sitting here dumbfounded on how my friend can leave me right now after I just had this realization. “Where are you going?”

  “WE are going to the drugstore to get a test,” she says, grabbing me and pulling me up to stand.

  “I can’t do this!” I yell.

  “Lily. We have to find out for sure. You’ve been going through a lot. It might just be stress.”

  “Or I might be pregnant.” I say it so quietly I don’t even know if she heard me.

  “Come on.”

  I take a deep breath and then follow my friend.

  Twenty minutes later, we get back to the house and go straight to my bathroom. Lola gives my arm a squeeze as I shakily open the box and pull out the test. When she starts to leave the bathroom, I freak out. “Where are you going?”

  “Out there to wait while you pee.”

  “No. Stay here. Please,” I beg, not wanting to do this alone.

  “Okay.”

  The five minutes it takes for the results are the longest in my life. I literally thought I would die waiting. I bit my lip so hard that I can taste blood in my mouth.

  “Moment of truth,” Lola says, looking over at me on the bathroom floor next to her.

  “I can’t look.”

  “Do you want me to?”

  “Yes.”

  She takes a breath and then stands up to examine the test on the counter. “You ready?’

  “No, but let’s do this. What does it say?”

  She lifts and turns it over while I sit there watching her in what seems like slow motion. “It’s two pink lines.”

  “What does that mean? Lola, what does that mean?”

  “Congratulations, Mommy,” she says, looking at me with a sad smile.

  My face immediately falls into my hands, and I start to cry. “I can’t do this, Lola. My parents are going to kill me.”

  “They aren’t. But it’s time you talked to them.” She’s crouched down next to me, rubbing my back.

  “Lo, I can’t do this. I can’t do any of it.”

  “Yes, you can. And you’ll have me the entire time.”

  I look up at my friend and see the sincerity in her face. “I can’t ask you to do that.”

  “You didn’t ask. I offered. Now I’m not agreeing to change diapers or anything…”

  That makes me chuckle a little. “Thank you, Lo. Thank you for being here.”

  * * *

  The next morning, with Lola by my side, I told my parents everything. Not the gory details, but I told them about Case, about throwing myself at other guys, about the cutting, about thinking about suicide, about Case again. Everything.

  They both cried. They, like any parents, aren’t thrilled that I’m pregnant in high school but said that they would help me with what they could. They gave me so much more love and forgiveness than I ever thought I deserved or would get. I am really lucky to have them and Lola in my life.

  “When are you telling Case?” Lola asks me.

  It’s been a couple weeks since I told my parents and school started. If Lola doesn’t come over, she calls me every night to check up on me.

  “Tomorrow, I think. I have a doctor's appointment the day after, and I want him to have the option to come and see the ultrasou
nd if he wants.”

  “Do you want me there?”

  “No. I need to do this on my own.”

  “Ok. Well, if you change your mind, let me know.”

  “Thanks, Lo.”

  “Anytime.”

  * * *

  I’m sitting at Starbucks drinking my decaf mocha while working on homework and waiting for Case to meet me.

  “Hey, sorry I’m late,” he says breathlessly as he plops down in the chair across from me.

  I close my books and look up at him. I’m so nervous. I have been all day. “It’s okay. How are you?”

  “I’m okay. But what’s going on? We didn’t exactly leave things well last time I saw you.”

  “Well, that’s kinda why I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Okay…”

  I take a deep breath, trying to get the courage to just blurt it out. I want this over with more than anything in my life. “Case… I’m pregnant.”

  His body falls back into his chair, and he’s staring at me. I let him take all the time he needs to process. Until he says the stupidest thing ever. “Who’s the dad? I’ll kill him.”

  “Did you sniff glue today? You are.”

  “No. That can’t be.”

  “Well, sorry to break it to you, but it’s true. It’s you.”

  “This can’t be happening.”

  “Seriously? That’s your reaction. You jerk me back and forth for months, then you pull the poor-me card?”

  “Lily, you don’t understand. I just got picked up on scholarship. They accepted my late application and are letting me start mid-term.”

  “Where?”

  “California. I’m going to UCLA.”

  “When do you leave?” I ask as I swallow the lump in my throat.

  “Next month.”

  We sit in silence for I don’t know how long until I ask the question that has been swirling in my mind since he sat down. “Do you want to be a part of this baby’s life?”