Lullaby of Tears

by Becs, Lindsay

  My parents have been amazing too. They surprised me at Christmas and made our basement into a little apartment for me and the baby. They told me that if I attended online college classes, I could live there until I was able to afford something more. They weren’t going to push me to get a job if I was doing school full time online with a newborn.

  I was so grateful and beyond blessed. I know a lot of parents would have kicked their kids out or made them pay for everything. I helped with what I could, and when I offered to get a job, my dad told me to wait until the baby was at least six months old. That way when I did look, I’d know what I could handle with school too.

  I spent all of Christmas hugging them and telling them thank you over and over while crying. I truly did have the best family.

  My brother was mad when he first found out, but he came around to the idea. He lives an hour away and doesn’t come home a lot. It really doesn’t affect him whatsoever, but I’m happy that he’s behind me now too. Supporting me.

  With the stress behind me of wondering how I’m going to support myself and a newborn, I can focus on being excited. About being a mom. Even if it does still sound weird.

  13

  Mitch

  When Lola had told Nate that she and Lily were going to Whitey’s, I was more excited than I should have been to see her. After more than six months on the road, I knew one thing for sure: I missed Lily. I wanted her to be mine and was going to do anything I could to make that happen.

  What I didn’t expect was for her to have a bun in the oven. And the fact that it was Case’s and he didn’t want anything to do with her or the baby only fueled my anger and frustration with the situation at hand.

  I tried not to let her see how upset it made me when she first told me. Then, when I had my hand on her belly and felt the baby kick, something changed. It wasn’t even my kid, but I felt this pull to be there for them.

  Pregnant or not, she looked gorgeous. It was hard to keep my hands off of her, but I tried my best to be as “friend-like” as I could be. My dick just hadn’t gotten the memo yet.

  When she and Lola got ready to leave, I kissed Lily on the cheek and promised friendship to her. Inside, my heart was crushed that she wouldn’t even entertain the idea of us, but I got it. She had a lot of big stuff to sort through, and me leaving again didn’t make that any easier.

  The guys and I were on the road again soon after to open for another band, and it was insane. Between shows, we were recording our first album, every song in a different city it seemed. But by the end, we should have a full album made and ready to put out.

  “Please tell me you aren’t jerking off to her picture again,” Nate says when he joins me on the tour bus.

  “No more than you do to Lola’s,” I counter.

  “I miss the fuck out of her. I’m not even sorry.”

  “You guys talk much?”

  He shrugs. “Enough, I guess.”

  “Lily has me in the friend zone, and I know that’s what she needs, but I hate it,” I confess to my best friend.

  “That’s some tough shit. Sorry, man.”

  “Your words of wisdom hit me real deep,” I say clutching my chest.

  “This is why I leave the songwriting to you, fucker.”

  My phone beeps with a text, and when I see it’s Lily, I shut my curtain to let my friend know I’m done with his ass for now. His chuckle on the other side tells me he knows exactly what I’m doing, but he doesn’t say anything more. Probably because he’s going to text Lola.

  Lily: I did it! I got all my credits in to graduate.

  Me: Congrats, Lil! That’s awesome.

  Lily: Did you ever take the GED test?

  Me: Yeah, I took it about a month ago or something.

  Lily: Why didn’t you tell me?

  Me: Didn’t seem that important, I guess.

  Lily: You made sure to graduate while living your dream. That’s something to celebrate.

  Me: Thanks.

  Lily: What city are you in?

  Me: Chicago, I think.

  Lily: You get to sightsee much?

  Me: I’m not really the sightseeing type.

  Lily: But the food!

  Me: Now I know the baby is talking.

  Me: How’s little man treating you?

  Lily: Kicking like crazy. My belly is getting huge.

  Me: Show me.

  Lily: You don’t want to see that.

  Me: Sure I do. Show me.

  A few minutes later, a picture of Lily comes through, holding her shirt up and showing off her growing belly with a baby inside. The flash against the mirror blurs out her face, but from what I can see, she still looks beautiful.

  Me: Beautiful

  Lily: I’m a mess.

  Me: A beautiful mess

  Lily: I miss you.

  Me: I miss you too.

  We text for a while longer, and I even get her to send me another picture, this time of her face. I send her one back, and when she comments on my growing hair and how she likes it, I decide right then that I’m never cutting it. If Lily likes my hair long, then long hair she shall get.

  14

  Lily

  I did it. I managed to get all my high school credits completed to graduate early. Now I get to wait for my diploma in the mail. It seems so much less satisfying than what they make it out to be your whole life. Probably because I did my last year from home, while pregnant, and won’t be walking with the rest of my class, but still…not that exciting. But it’s an accomplishment nonetheless, and I’m proud of myself for not throwing in the towel.

  I start browsing online to figure out what college classes to start with, and it just makes me feel overwhelmed. I close my laptop and grab a piece of chocolate instead. That’s when I hear my phone buzz.

  Mitch: What ya doin?

  Me: Stuffing my face with chocolate.

  Mitch: Sexy

  Me: Haha…

  Mitch: Say more dirty things to me

  Me: I got so excited about the melty chocolate in my mouth I drooled a little on my shirt.

  Mitch: Oh you get me so hot.

  Me: LoL You are sick.

  Mitch: Wanna hang?

  Me: Sure. Want come over?

  Mitch: You sure your parents won’t mind? They were never my biggest fans.

  Me: They aren’t home and I live in the basement now. I’m adulting.

  Mitch: Look at you!

  Me: All I had to do was get knocked up and then I got a whole floor to myself.

  Mitch: I’ll be at the Lily lair soon, bat momma.

  Since seeing Mitch at Whitey’s a month ago, we’ve talked here and there. I feel like I got a friend back. It’s been nice to have him around again. I’m sure going to miss him when he leaves for the tour again, their visit home way too short.

  I have butterflies while I wait for him to get here. I pick up a little bit and make sure I don’t have anything embarrassing lying around. My mom and Lo are the only ones who ever came down here, so I normally don’t care too much. Mitch is a different story, but when he shows up with a Batman mask on and a bag of burgers and fries, all my nerves disappear.

  “When do you leave again?” I ask between bites of my cheeseburger.

  “Next Thursday,” he mumbles.

  “Why don’t you seem excited? This is so amazing for you guys,” I beam. I can’t believe he’s acting more like his cat died and not like he’s getting ready to tour for months with his band, which just got signed.

  “I am. I just miss stuff.”

  “Like me?” I say mockingly, with my hand on my heart and a big smile.

  “Well, yeah.”

  “Mitch…”

  “I know, but honestly, if I wasn’t leaving again, I’d fight for you.”

  I sat there staring at his beautiful blue eyes while mine filled with tears. “Really?” I finally say with a smile, breaking the silence.

  “Really. I wasn’t lying that night at Whitey’s. I really missed you
. I really wanted to give us a try.”

  “But you don’t anymore,” I say, feeling a little defeated, picking at a fry.

  “I do.” His words make my heart leap, and my eyes shoot up to his again. “We could make this work if you want.”

  “You do understand that I’m a package deal now, right? You get me and a kid, even though he’s not here yet.”

  “It’s a boy? You didn’t tell me.”

  I smile again. “Yes, it’s a boy, and I’m due in a couple months. My life is crazy messy, and yours is taking off to huge, incredible things. I don’t want to hold you back from that. You deserve all the success that is coming to you.”

  “I appreciate you looking out for me, but I know. I stayed up the entire night after I saw you at Whitey’s. I’ve thought about every angle of this since. I’m in if you’re in.”

  “Mitch…” I trail off again, taking a big breath. “I want to so much. So, so much. But I need to start slow. I don’t want to tie you down, and I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to give you what I want to after the baby is here.”

  “I can do slow. We don’t have to go straight to the altar or anything. Geez, I’m supposed to be the one who proposes, lady.”

  “Can we start with phone calls and video chats and seeing each other when you come back to town?”

  “I can do all those things,” he says, smiling at me and grabbing my hand, lacing our fingers together. “I promise I won’t hurt you. And I won’t cheat on you. I’m not that guy. I’m not the stereotypical rocker.”

  That makes me laugh. “I know you aren’t.”

  “Can I kiss you?” When the words left his mouth, the air in my lungs left too.

  “Yes,” I say slowly.

  “Good, because I haven’t been able to get your lips out of my mind. and I can’t stop staring at them.” He pushes the food on the floor aside and is over to me in the next second. When his lips hit mine, it’s like they were always meant to be on mine.

  I lie back and he follows, our lips never breaking. Then I feel the baby kick, making Mitch jump up. I lie there laughing hysterically.

  “Okay, that’s new,” he says, looking and pointing at my growing stomach.

  That makes me laugh harder. “I told you I was so sexy,” I say, wagging my eyebrows.

  His face softens as he looks up at me. “You really are. You are the sexiest girl I know.”

  “You and your words,” I say as my cheeks blush. “I want to kiss you more, but let’s move to my bed. My back hurts. Help me up,” I say with my arms outstretched.

  “Now who has the romantic words?” he says with a head nod.

  Mitch helps me up, and we go to the bedroom and kiss some more. Then we talk and then we kiss and then we talk and then we kiss… This went on for a while. I had been craving his arms around me and I had them now. I felt safe and loved and where I was meant to be.

  * * *

  Me: Holy shit!! I think I’m going steady with Mitch!!!

  Lola: LoL What?!

  Me: He just left. He came over and spent the day here. He still wants to give us a go.

  Lola: Wow.

  Me: Am I crazy?!

  Lola: Maybe

  Me: I told him I couldn’t commit to anything major and needed to go slow. I don’t want to take away from the tour and stuff. And let’s face it, I have my own things to focus on, like MOTHERHOOD.

  Lola: Smart.

  Me: Spill it.

  Lola: Truth?

  Me: Truth.

  Lola: I’m happy for you really. I’m just scared you’ll get hurt again. I love Mitch. But GO SLOW.

  Me: So, I shouldn’t have slept with him today?

  Lola: You didn’t!!

  Me: LoL No, I didn’t.

  Lola: Bitch.

  Me: We kissed some but that was it. The baby kicked every time we started kissing.

  Lola: Maybe he doesn’t like Mitch.

  Me: If he’s like his dad then that makes sense.

  Lola: Don’t ever say that again. That piece of shit isn’t his dad.

  Me: Meow! And I thought I was the emotional one.

  Lola: You know how I feel about Dick Face.

  Me: I know.

  Lola: I’m glad you’re happy.

  Me: Me too.

  Lola: XO

  Me: XO

  Mitch

  Sitting on Brix’s couch, guitar in hand, smile on my face, I can’t stop thinking about Lily. Or kissing Lily really, if I’m being honest. Truth is, I should be running so far and so fast away from her, but I can’t. I won’t.

  She’s pregnant with another guy’s baby, I’m on the edge of hopefully a successful music career and we’ve both barely graduated high school. We’re young. I’m getting ready to travel on tour again soon, and she’s about to be a mom, but kissing her last night felt too right.

  Her lips on mine, my tongue tasting hers, hands feeling one another. I felt like the stars were aligned, making a new constellation in the sky from how perfect it was. Even when the baby kicked, I wasn’t scared or freaked out. I was amazed and in awe that I got to feel it again.

  I might not have a home at the moment or anything to offer her other than me and a few songs for now. But I know that the thought of losing her is too scary. That I’ll work my ass off and do everything in my power to make a life for not only myself, but her. Us.

  Like always, she inspires another song to sing. Another melody to play. Beating in my heart, through my chest, vibrating through me and pouring out.

  You’re where I want to go

  Baby, tell me you’ll be there

  The place to hold me

  I promise to keep you safe here

  I might leave over and over

  But I’m not far

  You’re on the other side of my closed eyes

  I don’t even have to travel afar

  I’ll show you the way here

  Follow my notes and chords

  They’ll lead you there

  Where I’ll be waiting in the clouds

  15

  Lily

  I woke up the next morning with the biggest smile on my face. I feel happy. It’s a nice feeling to have. I’ve been second-guessing everything in my life since I found out I was pregnant.

  Do I want to keep the baby? Then I feel bad for thinking that.

  Will I ever have sex again? Then I feel like a shitty mom for thinking about that.

  Will I completely screw up my kid? Then I’m scared about the answer to that.

  How am I going to do this alone? This one scares me the most.

  Then I stop questioning everything and realize that I cleaned up, I only surround myself with people who matter, and I already love this baby inside of me so much. If I already love him this much, how can we ever fail when we have each other to lean on? He’ll be the only man I’ll need in my life.

  My emotions have been up and down and everywhere in between for months. But waking up this morning and knowing that I have another person in my life, in my corner, means the world. I feel like I could take on anything or anyone right now.

  I like right now.

  When my phone buzzes and I see Mitch’s face on the screen, I smile again.

  Mitch: I wanna take you out tonight.

  Me: Was there a question in there…

  Mitch: Will you go out with me tonight?

  Me: Yes :)

  Mitch: Be ready at 6.

  Me: I like you bossy.

  He didn’t respond back, but I’m already so giddy I don’t care. This is going to be a long day of waiting for six to get here.

  I look up more college classes, and I think I settle on a few. I register myself to start a month before the baby is born. I’m going to study psychology with the hopes of one day being a counselor to help girls in need like I was. Of course, I have to take all the boring gen-ed classes first, but you have to start somewhere, right?

  I do some laundry, clean my apartment, wash the dishes, take a shower, and I
still have another three hours until he’s here to take me out. I decide on a nap. I am tired, and my back has been hurting all day. Lying down, I close my eyes and quickly fall asleep.

  When I wake up to the feel of someone rubbing my arm and kissing my forehead, my eyes flutter open, then pop in surprise, to see Mitch looking down at me. “Oh no! I overslept! Give me ten, twenty minutes tops, and we can go. Promise.”

  “Umm…not to sound weird, but did you pee the bed?” Mitch asks me, feeling the sheets around me.

  “Eww, gross, no!” Then I realize I’m all wet. I lift the sheets and smell to make sure I didn’t, in fact, pee myself. But it is definitely not pee, and I begin to panic. “I think my water broke. Mitch, it’s too early!” I begin to cry and freak out.

  “It’s ok. Get changed, and I’ll drive you to the hospital to get checked out.”

  “I’m freaking out, Mitch!”

  “Lily, look at me.” He holds my face to look at him. “I’m here. I’m not leaving you. Now don’t panic, but we need to go.”

  I nod my head and get up to change in the bathroom. I grab the first pair of sweats I find and slip into a pair of flip-flops.

  “Look at you dressing up for me,” Mitch says with a smile while he opens the door for us to leave. I love that he’s trying to calm me down by keeping the mood light. I give him a tight smile as we walk to the car.

  My parents are out of town, of course, celebrating their anniversary. They are too far away to come back tonight anyway, so I’ll call them once I know more. Mitch called Lola while I was changing, and she’s meeting us at the hospital. I’m just so glad that Mitch was there, and that he’s here with me now.

  The whole way to the hospital my mind is reeling and I’m scared. Neither one of us says anything the entire twenty-minute drive there. By the time we pull in, I’m starting to cramp and I am so afraid of what they are going to tell me once I get inside.