Lullaby of Tears

by Becs, Lindsay

  “What?”

  “Do you want to know your kid?” I ask, this time more upset.

  “Yes…but…I can’t.” He won’t even look at me when he says it. Coward.

  “Okay. Then that’s that.” I start to gather my things to leave and wipe the tears away that are spilling down my face.

  “Lily. I’m sorry.”

  “I’ll need you to sign over your parental rights before the baby is born.”

  “Okay.”

  “Bye, Case,” I say as I turn to leave, but he grabs my wrist to stop me.

  “Lil, wait.”

  “What? There’s nothing left to say.”

  “I really am sorry. Take care of yourself and…”

  “Our baby. I will.” My words make him drop his hold on me and let me walk away. Broken by this stupid guy, again.

  12

  LILY

  My mom and Lola came with me to my doctor’s appointment. Everything looked good, and the baby and I are both healthy. At that first appointment, I was already about eleven weeks along. Further than I thought I was.

  My parents had talked to the school, and they agreed that since I didn’t have that many credits left to take this year, I could finish at home and even graduate early.

  I’ve been fortunate that I haven't had too much morning sickness. I had some nausea in the beginning, but now that I’m in my fifth month, that’s passed. I’m still tired all the time and want to eat everything I see. I just started to show, as well. It’s a really weird thing to look down at your growing belly and know that there is a little human in there. But when I feel the little flutters and kicks, it’s the most amazing feeling ever.

  When January hits, I’m about five and half months pregnant with a boy. Having a little boy terrifies me and excites me all at the same time, but I think I’d feel this way regardless of the sex of the baby.

  Lola took me shopping today to get some of my first maternity clothes. She has been so amazing. I’d take her as a baby daddy any day. She hates it when I call her that, so of course, I call her that every chance I get.

  We were at the mall for two hours, and I’m starving. “Can we eat now?”

  “How you haven’t already gained 300 pounds I’ll never know.”

  “Well, that’s mean.”

  “It was more like a compliment because you still look amazing.”

  “I’ll take it!” I yell with a smile, rubbing my growing belly. “Can I pick where we eat?”

  “Don’t you always?”

  “Valid. I want to go to Whitey’s.”

  “We can’t go there.”

  “Why not?” I whine. “I’ve been craving their fries for days.”

  “If we are going there, then we are changing and at least looking cute.”

  “Deal!” I yell excitedly. It’s been a good, but hard, few months with all the big changes. I already feel like I’ve lost time being a teen, even though my birthday is next week and I’ll be eighteen. It’ll be nice to feel pretty for a night.

  * * *

  “Ugh! I don’t fit into anything cute anymore,” I whine as I fall back onto my bed. “There’s no point.”

  “Shut your face. Get dressed. Look pretty. We’re going to have fun. Plus—” Lola turns to look at me from putting on her signature red lips with a wink—“you want those fries, don’t you?”

  “Ok. But help. Please?” I sigh, getting up to look in my closet again. “Do I go loose to hide the bump or own it and wear something tight?” I turn to look for her approval.

  “Honestly, wear what you feel comfortable in. If you wear something tight, are you going to feel sexy or are you going to second-guess that everyone is staring at you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “If you wear something loose, are you going to feel like a big sack or will you feel more comfortable?”

  “Why does it have to be so hard!” I whine again.

  “If you keep whining, I’m not buying you fries,” my friend-turned-traitor threatens.

  “You wouldn’t!” I say with shock on my face and a hand on my mouth.

  “Try me,” she says with a cocked eyebrow. “Just pick something. You’ll look amazing either way. You could probably really wear a sack and still look gorgeous.”

  When she said that, it made me get all emotional, and I can feel my eyes filling with tears. I rush her for a big hug. “Dude! You are going to ruin your perfect face I did! Pull it together and get dressed.”

  “Ok. I’m going tight, and I’m going to own it,” I laugh, walking back to the closet for the hundredth time. “Or something loose.”

  “For fuck’s sake, Lily!” Lola yells and gets up to join me to stare at the hanging clothes.

  “You pick. Whatever you pull out, I’ll put on and wear, no questions asked.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yep. Just nothing with sequins.”

  “Do you even own sequins?”

  “No,” I laugh again.

  “You are exhausting me, and you’re the one making the tiny human,” she says with an eye-roll and a sigh.

  She’s gone back and forth in my closet, and I’m trying not to look or cringe when I see her pull out certain clothes. “This. This is what you’re going to wear,” she says with a smile, holding up one of my favorite dresses.

  It’s a ruched dress that fits perfectly to cover my ass, but not be too mom-like. It has a loose top that shows good cleavage and gets tighter in the skirt. The fabric will give with my growing belly too. It’s perfect.

  “Thank you, Lo. You always have the best answers for everything,” I say as I hold up the dress that I cannot wait to wear.

  “Daaaaaamn,” Lo says once I put it on. I haven’t even looked in the mirror yet. “Your boobs are huge!”

  “They keep growing with my belly. Do I look like a prostitute?”

  “No, you’re already kicking curves and boobs look even better in that dress. Holy shit!” she says with a hushed laugh.

  I nervously look in the mirror, and I’m pleased with what I see. Lo’s right; my boobs, on full display, are definitely filling out this bad boy more. You can see a little bump in my belly, but the loose top and ruching help hide it mostly. I feel sexy and confident, and I haven’t felt that in a very long time.

  I turn to my best friend with a huge smile. “Thank you for making me do this…get dressed up and go out.”

  “Do not cry! Now let’s go!” she yells, grabbing my hand, and we laugh as we walk out to the car.

  * * *

  We’ve been at Whitey’s for about an hour, and I have eaten my body weight in fries. I’m not even sorry. We did dance for the first fifteen minutes, but I was starving.

  “Oh shit!” Lo yells.

  “What?” I look up at her with a confused look. “What’s wrong?”

  “Mitch and Nate just walked in.”

  I turn to look and sure enough, there they are walking through the crowd to our usual table, where we’re currently sitting. “Oh shit.” Lola smiles and waves them over. “What the hell, Lo?”

  “What?” she questions me, but then realizes. “Ooohh…sorry. But they were coming over regardless, you know.”

  “But did you have to seem so eager? Geez!” I say as I stuff another fry in my mouth.

  “You gonna share any of those?” Mitch asks with a smirk, looking straight into me. Holy fuckballs, he looks good. What am I gonna tell him?

  “Nope! But I’ll help you order more,” I say back with a cheesy grin.

  “Man, I missed your sassy mouth. Get up and hug me, lazy ass. I haven’t seen you in months, and this is the greeting I get?”

  I nervously look at Lo as I slide out of the booth and stand to hug him. It’s the moment of truth. I put my arms around his neck and squeeze my eyes shut as he squeezes my middle. Then I relax a bit because I miss the feel of him holding me. When I let go, I feel a tear fall down my cheek. Mitch pulls my face up to look at him and wipes my tear away with his thumb. His smile,
the way he’s looking at me, is like he’s pouring love and affection into my soul.

  “I missed you too,” he says with a smile as he leans down and kisses my forehead.

  “Yeah,” is all I can seem to get out. When I sit back down, I see Lola watching me, and I give her a small smile to let her know I’m alright.

  We have always been able to have conversations without even speaking when we needed to. Tonight is going to be one of those times.

  As we all sit back down, we order more fries and the guys tell us all about touring. The excitement as they talk about the audiences, the music and the places they’ve been is contagious. I’m so happy for Mitch and the guys, but I’m also sad because the reality is setting in that I will never be able to experience that with him.

  “I have to pee. I’ll be right back,” I say as I slide to get up. I know if I don’t get up now, I’m going to cry at the table, and that isn’t fair to them. They deserve all their happiness and success.

  When I walk out of the bathroom, I see Mitch standing there. “Can we talk?” he asks while leaning on the hallway wall.

  “Sure.”

  “First. You look amazing. If it wasn’t so cold outside, I’d take you out there and finish what we started the last night we were all here.” He says it while looking me up and down. It’s almost making me uncomfortable because Mitch has never been that kind of guy. At least not with me.

  “Thank you,” I say as I look down at my feet and smile, my cheeks blushing.

  “Second. I’m sorry.”

  This makes me look up at him, confused. “For what? You have nothing to apologize for.”

  “I do. I was a coward and chose the easy way when you needed a friend. For that, I’m sorry.”

  “You weren’t a coward. I’m the one who messed up, not you. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s all forgiven. Which brings me to the third thing.” He pauses, and I see him nervously swallow and rub the back of his neck. It makes me a little scared for what’s coming next. “Third,” he says now, looking straight at me, “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you these last months. Just ask the guys; they got tired of hearing me talk about you.”

  I smile. “That’s sweet. I missed you too.”

  “I’m not finished,” he says, grabbing my hands in his. “I want to give us another try. That is, if you want to. What do you say?”

  I stand there staring at him, biting my bottom lip, not wanting to answer. I know what I need to say when really all I want to do is shout ‘Yes!’ and kiss him.

  I finally break our stare and look down at our hands. “I can’t,” I whisper.

  “What?”

  I look back up and feel tears falling down my face. “I’m so sorry, Mitch.” As soon as I say the words, I fall into his chest and begin to cry harder.

  “Shhh… Shhh… Talk to me. What’s going on?” he asks while stroking my hair.

  “I can’t tell you,” I sob.

  “Lily, you can tell me anything, but I don’t understand. You’re saying no, but the way you’re acting is like you want this too.”

  “I do. I really do. More than you know, Mitch.”

  “Then what’s the problem? Do you have a boyfriend or something?”

  “No, it’s not that.”

  “You’re kinda scaring me, Lil. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  I break away from his hold, look up at him and take a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

  “What?” He says it like I just knocked the wind out of him.

  “I’m so sorry, Mitch.” I cry into my hands, turning away from him. Then, I feel him pull me into him and hold me. Too much is the same as the last time I was with him. “I fucked up again. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better than me.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  I turn to look at him this time. “Yes, you do. You are beautiful, caring and kind, talented and so much fun. Anyone would be so lucky to have you. And whoever does, I will be jealous of and hate a little.”

  “Well, now you’re making me blush,” he jokes, trying to lift the mood. I smile at the attempt. “Can I ask you…”

  “Yes, it’s Case,” I say, cutting him off.

  “Are you together?”

  I choke on a laugh. “Not at all.”

  “What does that mean? He knows, right?”

  “Oh yes, he knows. He just doesn’t want anything to do with the baby. Or me.”

  “What a piece of shit.”

  “Yeah, I definitely picked the wrong guy.” I stare at my feet for a second before telling him more. “I found out after I had, uh, kind of hit bottom.”

  “What does that mean?” he asks slowly.

  “I had been cutting and was thinking about…” I trail off, not able to say the words to him.

  “I’m sorry, Lily,” he says, pulling me in for another hug. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

  “Me too.”

  “Hey, Lil?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re going to be an amazing mom.”

  * * *

  When we got back to the table, we are a little stunned to see Nate and Lo lip-locked. Neither one of them are usually one to be affectionate in public. I guess their pause was over and they pushed play. I’m happy that at least one of us gets their happy ending.

  Mitch held my hand the rest of the night, making me feel more loved and wanted than I’ve felt in a long time. I cherished every second of it.

  The boys also told us that while they were touring, they officially got signed by a record label and are going to record a real album and do a bigger tour. That was why they were gone a couple extra months, and they are leaving again in a few months. Again, I was so happy for them, but it made my heart hurt that they were going to leave again so soon.

  Our night was coming to an end, and we were just finishing our drinks. I was so tired and leaning into Mitch when I jumped.

  “Are you okay?” he asked concerned.

  “The baby just kicked. It was the hardest one I’ve felt,” I say, rubbing my belly. “Do you want to feel it?” I ask, looking up at him.

  “Alright,” he replies hesitantly. I place his hand on my belly where the baby just kicked.

  A few seconds later, he kicked again. “Did you feel it?” I asked with a big grin, looking up at Mitch.

  “Yeah.” His smile matched mine, and I loved that.

  “Pretty cool, huh?”

  “That is crazy,” he says with his hand still on my belly. And then he kicked again.

  * * *

  Lola spent the night since it was late when we got home. I’m still so tired when I wake up the next morning and really wish I could drink some real coffee. I hate that I have to drink this decaf crap. It tastes just like that, crap. I look over at Lola and notice she is wearing an unusual smile for this early in the morning.

  “What are you smiling about over there?”

  “Shut up! I’m not smiling,” she says into her coffee, trying to hide an even bigger one.

  “So, it’s not about you sucking face with Nate last night?”

  “You saw?”

  “Uh, pretty sure the whole place did.”

  Her cheeks turn red. “I didn’t realize you saw us.”

  “So, spill!”

  “Well, we’ve kinda been keeping in touch some since he’s been gone. Last night just sealed the deal for us.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were talking to him all this time?”

  “You had so much going on, and I didn’t want to upset you.”

  Wow, I’m a shitty friend. “Lo, it wouldn’t and doesn’t upset me. I’m happy if you’re happy. Just because my life is falling apart doesn’t mean you have to fall with me. I’m sorry I haven’t been that great at my side of us.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that. You have had one thing after another. I just didn’t want to pile it on more. I don’t know. It’s stupid; I should have told you.”

  “But I should have asked. You’re too ho
t not to be nabbed up,” I say, giving her a wink as I rub my belly.

  It reminds me of Mitch feeling the baby kick last night. I loved that I got to share that with him and he was happy for me. I would give anything to have this baby be his instead of dickwads.

  “I don’t know about that. But I do really like Nate a lot,” she confesses, pulling me from my thoughts of Mitch.

  “Oh Nate, he’s so dreamy!” I say in a high-pitched voice, batting my eyelashes.

  “I do not sound like that!” she says, hurling a pillow at me.

  “You’re right, my bad.” I clear my throat and start again. “Dude, Nate. He rocked my world last night with his killer vibes and sound, man.” This time I try to sound like a stoned hippy.

  “Where do you get all these voices? Seriously.”

  “It’s a gift.”

  “So, let’s talk about you and Mitch.”

  “There isn’t anything to say. I’m pregnant.”

  “So?”

  “He asked me to be with him.”

  “Sweet baby Jesus. What did you say?”

  “That I’m pregnant!” I yell, shaking my head. I know it’s early, but I thought she would get this faster.

  “I don’t get it. You like him. He likes you. He seemed happy rubbing the Buddha belly last night. I don’t see the problem.”

  “Lola, I’m pregnant with another guy’s baby. Mitch is leaving again to go back on tour. There is no way it can work. We can be friends, but nothing more is going to happen.”

  “Shame. You guys looked really cute last night.”

  “Yeah?” I smile.

  “Yeah. I hadn’t seen you smile like that in a long time. Too long. It was good to see that on you again.”

  “I have to learn to be content with being a mom soon. Guys are going in the background for probably, well, ever. But I’m ok with that. I have you. And I have Mitch as a friend. Honestly, I don’t need the other stuff. At least not now.”

  That really is the truth. The more I felt my little man kick and move, the more I was getting excited— and a little scared— about what was ahead. I know it’s going to be hard, but I’m ready for it.