by Voss, Deja
I tried to convince myself it didn’t matter anymore. She didn’t want me. It wasn’t the first time she’d rejected me, completely written me off. Every time was like another knife to the guts, but I just kept going back for more.
I had to stop doing this shit to myself. That part of my life was over.
As much as I loved her, the Indignant Few MC was my crew now. My family. My patch was my life. Fuck the agency. I put in my time. I gave them the best years of my life. Nobody owned me anymore. Not even she could make me sign over my soul for another six years of that insanity. I looked down at my knuckles and laughed. Live free. Soon I’d be completely free. Collect my retirement fund, my severance pay, never look back. I hadn’t talked it over with the guys in the club yet. I knew they liked my connections. It’d gotten our asses out of some serious jams over the years. It wasn’t a discussion I was looking forward to having at the table, but it was now or never.
I stopped at the gas station just outside of town and grabbed a pack of smokes, the cashier eyeing me with a mixture of fascination and disappointment.
“You quit six months ago, Law,” she said, cracking her chewing gum loudly. Her eyes reminded me of Sage’s. Her astuteness. She was at least ten years younger than me and wore these garish hoop earrings that looked like they were ripping her earlobes in half.
“Your boyfriend give those to you?” I asked, flicking at them with my fingers. If her hair was only a shade darker, she’d look exactly like Sage. Maybe gas station girl could be an adequate replacement.
She giggled this high pitched laugh like nothing I’d ever heard, annoying and whiney, over the top, everything Sage was not. It snapped me out of my temporary trance, as her skin flushed red and she began to twirl a lock of her hair in her finger as she swayed back and forth.
“I don’t have a man. No time for that bullshit. I’m working on my nursing degree.”
I shrugged and slapped the pack of cigarettes off my palm, packing them down.
“Dating’s just so… yuck. I mean, why not just skip to the good stuff? That’s what it’s really all about, ain’t it?” She bit her lip and batted her eyelashes at me. I shook my head. This broad was hot. My brothers would’ve already had her bent over that countertop. I shoved my pack of smokes into the pocket of my cut and threw her a salute.
“Thanks, doll,” I said, turning for the door before I had a chance to start doing mental gymnastics. Replacement Sage was a bad life choice. I didn’t need some bitch around who reminded me of her.
I didn’t need any reminder of the woman I loved more than anyone in the world hanging around. I needed a clean slate. I needed her out of my head. I drove past my house, straight to the clubhouse. My brothers didn’t understand the whole situation, just bits and pieces of what I’d let them in on. Didn’t matter. Just being near them usually made me feel better. Took my mind off shit. Life was day by day. All that mattered was what was going on right in front of my face.
I could hear the music blaring from the clubhouse before I even hit the gate. I threw a salute at a couple of prospects standing around with their hands in their pockets. Wasn’t much in the mood for a party tonight, but it was easier to drown whatever the fuck this was I was feeling in noise and chaos and cheap booze than to go back to my place and stare at the ceiling wondering where I went wrong.
“Where you been?” Colt asked. I pulled up a stool next to him at the bar. It was business as usual in the dimly lit bar room. It was getting to be that point in the night where everyone was figuring out who they were hooking up with or going home with, that point in the night where everyone needed to get where they were going to before the lights flicked. Before your brain caught up with the booze and you realized maybe you shouldn’t be putting your dick in that crazy broad. Not really my scene. It never was. Truth was, nothing about easy made me hard.
“Prez.” I gave Colt a nod then shook a cigarette out of my pack, reaching across the bar for his lighter. He squinted at me as I lit it up. “Did I miss something?”
I instantly started hacking my lungs out as soon as I took that first drag, but nevertheless, I persisted. Quitting smoking was one of the hardest things I ever did. Didn’t really think starting again was going to be equally as difficult. Instead of the soothing rush I used to get, everything felt like it was spinning.
“You gonna be alright, sweetie?” Tressica asked, sliding me a beer across the bar. I wiped the top of the bottle on my shirt and took a sip, trying to wash the nasty taste out of my mouth. “I thought you quit that shit.”
“Just having a night,” I said. “Keep em coming.”
I watched the gorgeous blonde navigate her way behind the bar effortlessly like she could walk through walls if she so desired. She was a beautiful woman, brilliant, worked for a law firm by day, and by night, for whatever reason she was our president’s side piece. The way she looked at him, the love in her eyes, I wanted that. Not from anybody, though. I wanted that from Sage.
“Are you even listening to me?” Law’s voice jarred me from my observation. “Somebody bought that property next to the clubhouse.”
“That’s good,” I said with a shrug, taking a long drag from my bottle of beer, wondering if maybe Tressica had any friends she didn’t bring around the club that I could possibly date. Maybe it wasn’t Sage or the sluts. Maybe I was just looking in the wrong place.
“What’s wrong with you today, Law?” Colt asked. “You’re in outer space or some shit. You’re shredding the label of your beer, you’re smoking like a chimney, you aren’t even listening to what I’m trying to tell you… you need your dick sucked or something?”
I snapped to attention shaking my head. “Why? You offering?”
“Get the fuck outta here,” he said, rolling his eyes at me. “I haven’t said anything to the guys yet, but I’m really fucking worried about that property.” I knew where this was going. He needed me to look into something for him. Do it on the sneak before so he could calculate his next move before anybody had a chance to question it. No sense in getting the brothers riled up over nothing.
“Who would want that swamp shit anyway?” I asked. “Not much you can do with that.”
“Exactly. Just ask around?”
I figured now was as good a time as any to tell him my plans. “I don’t know how many more favors for the club I have left. My contract is expiring soon. I like being able to help the MC, but you know as much as I do nothing in this life comes free.”
“You’re not re-upping, then?” He leaned in close to me, his face completely blank. This was the Colt that made me nervous. This was the Colt who made most men think twice about fucking with our crew. You could never read the man by looking at his face. When he snapped it was always meticulously calculated on his part, but seemingly random to anyone else.
“It’s too dangerous. I can’t do both. I could get called on an assignment any day, any time. I could get stuck infiltrating one of our enemies. One of our allies. Who the fuck knows? I can’t bring that danger down on any of us. Easier for me to just bust kneecaps for you, boss.”
I said it out loud. It had to be true. Even though my brain was going a million miles a minute trying to figure out any way to keep doing both. To keep hanging on to Sage. As soon as the words hit our President’s ears, though, that part of me was dead to him.
“I get it.” He patted me on the shoulder and nodded. Even though he was a few years younger than me, the wisdom that shined from his eyes was uncanny. Even though he was a feral dog, hardened criminal, ruthless leader, he only wanted what was best for his men. All of us. Not just what we brought to the table, but what we needed to do to have a decent life. “It’s gonna be ok. You don’t need that shit anyway.”
“I’ll call around about the property,” I assured him, swallowing down the last of my beer. “We’ll push this to the last minute possible. Once I’m out officially, we’re cut off. Trust me, Sage promised me that tonight.”
“Sage, huh?” he aske
d, his eyes lighting up. “When are we gonna meet this bitch?”
I cringed at the word. Sage was for sure not a bitch. Not a piece of ass for him or my brothers to ogle. Not for anyone but me. They haven’t as much as seen a picture of her. As much as I wanted her to come here and stay with me, there was going to have to be some major stipulations and probably a few black eyed brothers just for emphasis.
“Probably not ever. She’s too wrapped up in the agency. Doesn’t want to know anything else. She doesn’t want some scumbag like me. Doesn’t need my shit.”
“Law, you are the furthest thing from a scumbag this club has ever seen, babe,” Tressica said with a wink. “These bitches don’t even know how to talk to you.” Colt rolled his eyes at her. “I think I have a friend you might like, and you know I don’t ever bring my friends around.”
“The fuck’s that supposed to mean?” Athena asked, slamming her rocks glass off of the bar. The buxom blonde looked like she’d just ran a marathon. Her pregnancy was good to her, easy, and her body bounced right back, but her face couldn’t hide the fact that this was the first time she’d been out drinking since Judas Junior was born.
“You know damn straight I didn’t bring you here,” Tressica said with a laugh. “You got out. For whatever reason you just keep coming back.” She blew her friend a kiss. Those two were the oddest couple. Raised in the club life, Athena had a long history in the porn business. Tressica was pretty straight-laced, but apparently the two were best friends all through high school. Still to this day when they got together they acted like a couple teenage girls. “You know I love you babe. Now let me finish up back here so I can celebrate your first night of freedom with ya.”
“Hurry up,” Athena said. “I don’t know how much more I got in me. A year of sobriety turned me into a little bitch.”
“I’m serious about what I said, Law. I know a woman. I think you’ll really like her. She’s nice. Maybe too nice.”
“How big are her tits?” Colt asked.
“What does it matter?” Tressica asked, punching him in the shoulder. “We know old Law is an ass guy, anyway.” She shot me a wink and wandered off.
“That woman drives me nuts.”
“You’re the one that has two of em. I think you were probably a little nuts to begin with,” I said. “I’m getting out of here.”
I walked around and talked to my brothers, soaking in the fact that this was officially my life now. More official than all the shit I went through when I was prospecting. More official than when I patched in. More official than the day I got elected enforcer. The day I sat down at that table and my brothers told me they trusted their lives in my hands. Now, I was all theirs. No more distractions. No more agency. This is what I wanted.
The only thing I needed now was a good woman, because Tress was right. I didn’t know how to talk to any of these bitches. Maybe if I was about a fifth of whiskey deep and really hard up, but nothing about the display of gyrating flesh and smell of cheap perfume and BO did it for me. I needed to find my own Athena. My own Tressica. And Sage just didn’t get it.
As I was on my way out the door, I stopped at the table her and Athena had posted up at. They were passing a bottle of Fireball back and forth and cackling like a couple of witches.
“I want in,” I said to Tressica. “Make it happen.”
I could deal with a nice girl. Better than being alone. Better than always wanting for something I couldn’t have. I was a good man, after all. Maybe this was just what I needed. Maybe this would be the nail in the coffin to put the past behind me and get me into a headspace to exist like a civilian. Close the gap between me and my brotherhood that had always been looming but never discussed.
“Alright!” she cheered. “I always wanted a couple to go on double dates with.”
“What the fuck, bitch?” Athena shouted, giving her a look of death. “What’s wrong with me and Judas?”
She zipped her fingers over her lips and waved me off. Guess it couldn’t hurt. This was my life. This was my family. Going home alone sucked. It’d be nice to have an old lady of my own to fill in the spaces where Sage once existed. I’d finally be completely free. No more doing bidding for an agency that destroyed me, destroyed Sage to the point that we could never be together. I wasn’t going to let it take anymore.
I’d find myself a nice woman and settle down, just like she wanted. She’d always promised me I was the only person who could hurt her. If this was what it was going to take, then this was what it was going to take.
Chapter Five
Sage:
I stood in front of the hotel mirror dabbing concealer onto the dark circles under my eyes. Every morning as I put on my face, I struggled with what I saw. Back in my twenties, I never wore make-up. Now it was getting to the point where I wore so much, caking layers and layers into cracks and creases that never existed before, trying with all my might to recreate a natural look, trying to hang on to that version of myself that was once young, optimistic, excited about the future. I needed to put on this charade. I didn’t need anyone at the agency thinking I was past my prime. Assignments were being handed out today, and if I wanted to keep my competitive edge, if I wanted to keep earning the big bucks, I couldn’t let anyone see my flaws. I flinched as I plucked a stray whisker from my chin. The act itself didn’t hurt anything more than my pride. I was getting old. I was going to have to hang it up soon.
“Or I could take my leave time and get a buttload of plastic surgery,” I thought, ripping a straightener through my long black hair. The box of dye in the garbage can was the only reason why my grays weren’t shining through.
My cellphone vibrated across the sink top, letting me know my ride was here waiting for me out front. I blotted my lipstick, slid on my black fitted blazer, grabbed my bag and headed for the lobby, sliding my sunglasses down over my eyes before I hit the parking lot.
“Ms. Smith?” the driver asked through the rolled down window. I nodded and slipped into the backseat of the black Hummer. I’d had so many last names in my lifetime, I’d lost track. You could pretty much call me anything at this point in time and I’d respond. Shit, maybe my mind was going, too. If that was the case, I was surely going to get sent out to pasture.
I hoped this guy wasn’t going to be a talker. It took all the mental focus I had to get into the place I needed to be on assignment day. I couldn’t be Sage the worrier, I had to be Sage the warrior, willing to advocate for myself if I happened to get optioned for a job I didn’t want to take.
Don’t get me wrong, there were only a few jobs I didn’t want to take. Easy jobs. Fluff jobs. If I wanted to be a private investigator for some stupid rich fuck whose wife was stepping out on him, I’d do that on my own and keep all the money. I liked risk. It was the only thing that got me excited. It was the only reason why I stayed with the agency as long as I had.
I closed my eyes and let the spinning of the tires beneath me lull me into a trancelike state. I pictured a glowing bubble around me, keeping me safe, magnetizing me to only good things. Maybe it was cheesy, but it was the only coping mechanism that had lasted the entirety of my career. Visualizing myself into the unstoppable force I was.
Then my phone rang, snapping me out of my meditation. I grumbled as I fished it out of my purse, figuring I could probably just ignore whatever call I was about to get. My heart sunk when I saw who it was.
“Landon, I can’t talk right now,” I said curtly into the phone. I didn’t need him in my head today. “I’m on my way to assignments. I don’t know when I can call you again.”
He must have known I’d been thinking about him last night. Thinking about how I could get more time with him again. Thinking about how maybe I could twist his arm into coming back and working with me. Last I heard he hadn’t said either way whether or not he was re-upping his contract.
“I just needed to tell you I’m sorry, Sage. I’m out,” he said, his voice unwavering. “You want out, too, I’ll come get you right now.
No questions asked. You don’t even have to come with me. I’ll take you wherever you want.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. What I wanted to say was pretty much every swear word I’d ever known in my life plus a few new ones. How could he do this to me? He knew how brutal assignment day could be, and he wanted to make this all about him? He wanted to give me his crazy fantasy land ideas about starting a life together? I didn’t have time for this bullshit today.
“I just got off the phone with Omar. It’s effective immediately. I’ve got no more connections.”
“That’s how it works.” I needed to stay as unfeeling as possible. I knew the day would come where I would have to erase this man from my life, but I didn’t think it would hurt so badly. Knowing we would never work together again was like losing a finger. “You already knew that, though.”
“You’ll always have a place with me,” he said. “I don’t care what the circumstance is.”
“You have to stop right now, Landon,” I pleaded. “I can’t go into this meeting in this headspace. You’re being really unfair.”
“I’m sorry.” He cleared his throat and I could hear his footsteps on the floor through the phone. I envisioned him pacing around his room, the way he used to to psych himself up for rough days. The man found his meditation in movement, whereas mine was in stillness and quiet. “I guess good luck. Hope you find whatever you’re looking for. I won’t keep you any longer.”
Before I could respond, he’d hung up the phone. Before I could react, we pulled up to the nondescript office building in the middle of the city. Inside was a slew of operations, both legit and otherwise. Nobody knew what exactly went on in the basement office my agency rented, but I couldn’t tell you what even a handful of the suites in the buildings were for. I could go days here walking around without seeing someone twice.