The Survivor's Guide to Sex

by Staci Haines

  I have learned and learned well to find out what I want and go for it. It has been tricky to receive it once it comes, however. I get uncomfortable and start to doubt whether I deserve it or not. I want to pull away.

  Anna

  I always seem to fall in love with people who aren’t available. One was married, another emotionally unavailable. I am not really attracted to people who are ready for a relationship, it seems.

  Jo

  Trust

  Because childhood sexual abuse violates trust, trust can be a tricky topic for most survivors. Some survivors grant trust to people long before they have earned it, and others do not trust even those whose trustworthiness has been demonstrated. When you are looking to trust someone, consider these three factors: competency, consistency over time, and a congruency between words and behavior.

  I thought trust was some objective thing that was “good” to do. So I just trusted

  everyone. This of course was a bad idea, because there are people out there

  who aren’t trustworthy, or with whom I don’t want to be that intimate.

  Melanie

  Ask yourself whether the person in question is competent or has the skills and tools you want. Look for competence in the areas that are important to you. Someone may be competent at playing the piano but not competent at knowing how to communicate about sex and healing. Of course, your partner can learn new skills if she is committed to doing so, and this means that your trust in that area may build as she becomes better at it.

  Trustworthiness is also shown when someone is consistent over time. If someone promises you that he will respect your boundaries and does so consistently over time, than he can earn your trust.

  Last, trust is built when someone’s words match her actions. Does she do what she says she will? If someone consistently says one thing and does another, there is not much room for building trust.

  Trust

  1. Competency.

  2. Consistency.

  3. Congruence between words and deeds.

  Let’s Talk About Sex

  You don’t have to wait until you get into the bedroom to talk about sex. Please don’t wait, in fact. If you do, you’ll be missing out on the most important tool for creating the sex life you want—communication.

  Learning to talk about sex will increase your satisfaction with your sex life more than any other technique. If you spend the next year just focused on learning how to talk about sex and sexual healing, you will have given your sex life a huge boost.

  Communication involves some self-knowledge and willingness to share that with another. The more experienced you are with your own desires, the ways you like being touched, and your own process of recovery, triggers, and healing, the easier the communication and interaction with another will be.

  Knowing how to talk about sex has been the most empowering thing for me. I can tell my partners what I like and want; I can be responsible for my own pleasure by communicating.

  Anna

  Negotiating scenes with my lovers is so amazing. I have complete say now as to what is going to happen, what will turn me on, and how to be with me if I get triggered. I tell my lovers up front what the signs are if I am getting triggered and how far I can push my boundaries there.

  Rebecca

  When talking about sex with a partner or potential partner, some simple rules prove useful:

  First, talk about sex outside of the place where you are going to have sex. Sit at the kitchen table, talk over a cup of coffee at a café, or take a walk. This will assist you both in becoming more comfortable integrating sexual talk into everyday settings, and you will not be quite as vulnerable as when you’re naked, halfway into something hot and heavy. Before having sex is the time to talk about safer-sex practices as well.

  Second, speak positively about sex, your desires, yourself, and your partner. We all tend to take feedback about sex very personally at first. If you want your partner to try something new or to change something he does, first let him know how much you like him touching you. Then add that you’d like to try something new or change the touch.

  Third, be as specific as possible in your communication. This takes practice for most people. Use specific sexual words, such as penis, ass, vulva, pussy, clit, breasts, nipples, anus, dick, G-spot, tongue, vagina, and prostate. Practice saying these words aloud now. Go ahead, just say them. Add your own, too. Let yourself laugh. Most of us still feel silly learning how to talk about sex.

  When talking about your desires, or fantasies, or asking your partner for a certain touch, be concrete and specific. For example, you might say that you like your clit touched in a circular motion on the left side, or that you do not like your clit stimulated directly but prefer the touch to be lower down, underneath it. If you like to be penetrated and then use a vibrator to take yourself over the top, spell that out. The more you communicate, the more satisfying your sexual experience will be and the more likely your partner will be to relax and join in.

  I finally took a deep breath and told her, “I love it when you use your teeth on

  my nipple and when you roll my nipple between your fingers; that feels great.

  I don’t like it when you suck my whole breast into your mouth. It feels uncomfortable

  to me.” I thought she would freak out, but she didn’t. She was glad to

  know what I liked and what I didn’t.

  Jeanie

  As you let your sexual partner know what you like, showing her may also help. Getting around someone else’s anatomy is not as easy as you might think. Show your partner how you like to be touched. Let her hand rest on yours to pick up the rhythm or the pressure.

  It can be hard to explain how I like my clit touched. I like some pressure, but not too much, and I like it to the side of my clit, not directly on it. I have turned showing my lover how and where I want him to touch me into a sexy game.

  Cheryl

  In S/M, sex scenes are negotiated before the play begins. Sex partners talk about what they want, and maybe share fantasies or what they hope to heal. Whether you are into S/M or not, you can use this approach. Try planning out a sexual encounter with your partner before you begin. What are your sexual fantasies? What would make it a great experience?

  Safer sex also takes communication. It is important to assess your risk level and plan what you are going to use for safer sex before you are sexual. You then have the chance to handle any disagreements and gather supplies before you are in the middle of sex. If you need to reassess or to demand that someone comply with safer sex smack dab in the midst of the action, please do so.

  The Fear of Sex Talk

  If talking to your sex partner about sex freaks you out, you are not alone. Most folks, survivors or not, are very uncertain about how to talk about sex. Communicating well about sex is a learned skill. A good way to get your feet wet is to read sex education books and erotica to see that people actually do talk openly about sex. This is also a great way to pick up vocabulary words and different styles for talking about sex. Then it’s a matter of trying it yourself.

  You can start by writing a list of sexual words you are uncomfortable with, and in the privacy of your own space, practice saying them aloud. Try out words you might not necessarily use, or words that you think are too risqué, like cunt or cock. Next, practice saying what you want: “I would really like you to touch my breasts and firmly squeeze my nipples,” or “I’d like you to press your hips into me.” It may seem terrifying at first, but you’ll be amazed at how quickly you catch on. Communicating about sex allows you to get more of what pleases you and give your partner more of what pleases her or him. It is one of those win-win situations.

  Sex got so much better when I learned to speak up. I used to try to silently adjust myself to make something feel better, which didn’t always work. I read a couple of books about sex, and that helped a lot. I saw that other people can talk about it, so I figured I can, too.

  Maria


  Disclosure: To Tell or Not to Tell

  For many survivors, there is the question of whether or not to tell a sexual partner about your experience of abuse. If you are in a long-term intimate relationship, I encourage you to tell your partner. If you are uncomfortable doing so or you don’t want to, I suggest you take a look at that fear and at your relationship. An intimate partnership can be a supportive and loving place to heal. And all of you gets to be loved and appreciated now, including the truth of your history. You no longer need to hide yourself away from those you are close to.

  I am comfortable talking about the incest I experienced, but I take much longer and require more trust with a person before I am willing to talk about my experiences of ritual abuse. I waited a year into my relationship with my girlfriend to tell her about it.

  Rose

  Because of the secrecy of childhood sexual abuse and the destruction of healthy boundaries, survivors tend to default to isolation or overexposure. Some survivors never tell anyone about what happened to them, tucking it away from present-day life. This keeps a survivor isolated and still in shame. Other survivors tell everyone about their abuse or disclose more information than a relationship is ready for. Many survivors who overexpose have a hard time keeping intimate friends and relationships.

  When do you tell? A good time to tell is after you have established some trust with your partner. If you are entering a new partnership, and you want to know if your potential partner can handle being involved with a survivor who is healing, you may speak about your history sooner rather than later. Be prepared for any number of responses. Partners will have their own capacities for being able to hear about sexual abuse.

  How to Meet Sexual Partners

  The how and where of meeting sexual and intimate partners depends, of course, on what you are looking for. Do your homework by thinking about what is important to you in a sexual mate. The clearer you are about your criteria, the easier the process will be.

  Most people meet their sexual partners at school or work, or through their friendship circles and communities. If you are serious about wanting a sex partner or mate, alert your friends and others in your social network. Tell them what you want and why. People love to play matchmaker.

  Look for sexual partners in places where you do things you enjoy doing already. Where do you feel most yourself or most empowered? Start there. You might meet potential partners in business or personal development classes, clubs that interest you, your sports team, an outdoor club, online chat rooms, or a volunteer job. Some people place personal ads or use phone, online, or professional dating services.

  If you are looking specifically for a sexual play partner, you may want to try phone sex lines, online discussion groups, sexual play parties, or a sex-focused club or political organization. While play parties and sex-focused organizations are usually located in larger cities, online discussion groups and phone sex lines are widely available.

  Flirting and Kissing

  Flirting and kissing are among the great pleasures of life. You can flirt with a glance or a brief conversation, or by sharing a momentary exchange of energy with someone who attracts you. Your kisses can be friendly and sensual or sizzling with eroticism.

  I can kiss for hours. I like bringing all of my focus into my lips, and my lips touching hers. We play a game where we are not allowed to go beyond kissing for an entire date. The variety of kisses you can find when you are not in a rush to move on is amazing.

  Pamela

  Kissing and flirting, like any other aspect of sex, are learned skills. Can you remember your first consensual French kiss? Did you know what you were doing? Most of us didn’t.

  I French kissed a boy for the first time in sixth grade. I really wanted to. I was coming into my own desire. It was wet and sloppy; I didn’t know to swallow my saliva. It was pretty messy, but also erotic.

  Roslyn

  You can discover many enjoyable ways to kiss. Try kissing with more or less pressure. Try changing how you use your tongue by making it softer or more firm. Explore by using your teeth and nibbling on your partner’s lips. Ask your partner how he would like to be kissed. Try that. Let your partner know what about her kisses you like and how you would like to be kissed.

  Finally speaking up for myself about kissing was a huge deal. I used to hate how my boyfriend kissed me, and I wouldn’t say anything. It didn’t feel intimate, but felt more like something I wanted to get away from. He was angry and ashamed when I finally told him that I didn’t like our kissing. But we worked it through and tried different ways to kiss that made me feel like I wanted to be there.

  Debbie

  Go Out There and Have Fun!

  Sex plays numerous roles in our lives. It is a way to be incredibly close with another, to relax and release, to get off and feel good, and to heal. As you heal sexually, remember to get out there and have some fun with sex, too. Whether you are engaging in sexual healing by yourself, with a partner, or with a number of lovers, sex can be fun, funny, silly, engaging, and expansive. Through learning about sex, you can begin to understand in your body that sex is no longer a weapon being used against you. Sex can be pleasurable and support your well-being.

  Sex Guide Exercises

  1. What do you want in a sexual partnership? Do you want to date? Do you want a long-term partnership? Do you want to introduce different ways of having sex into your current relationship? Let yourself brainstorm numerous possibilities. If you could have your heart’s desire, what would that be? Write about this in your journal for at least fifteen minutes.

  2. In a neutral, nonsexual setting, talk to your sexual partner or a friend about what you like or want to try sexually.

  3. Set up a sex date with your sexual partner during which you agree not to have penetrative or oral sex. Use the time to explore other ways of touching and being together sexually.

  4. As you are sexual with your partner or lover, attend to being present in your own body. Feel the sensations in your whole body, from your arms to your legs, head, and feet. Where do you notice sensations? Where are you blank or void? Where is it comfortable to feel? Where do you want to move away from your sensation? Can you be attentive to the sensations in your body and be with your partner at the same time?

  5. Write in a journal about what you have noticed and learned. Keep practicing.

  chapter nine

  Oral Sex

  Even though I was made to perform oral sex during my abuse, I love it now.

  It is one of my favorite ways to give to my partner.

  Aurora

  I still can’t stand someone going down on me. This is how my stepfather would get me aroused, and I blank out when I try.

  Barb

  Oral sex is mouth-to-genital or mouth-to-anus sex. It involves kissing, sucking, licking, or nibbling your partner’s penis, clitoris and vulva, or anus—or your partner licking yours. The official name for mouth-to-penis sex is fellatio; slang terms include giving head, blow job, and sucking cock. Cunnilingus is mouth-to-vulva-and-clitoris sex. Going down on a woman and eating her out are slang terms for cunnilingus. Rimming is slang for analingus, or mouth-to-anus sex.

  Oral sex gets a bad rap socially. It is still on the books as illegal in some states, even between married couples in private. In sexual behavior surveys, however, the majority of people report that they practice oral sex. Many people rate oral sex as their favorite sexual activity.

  Some people are concerned about cleanliness, or strong smells and tastes associated with oral sex. You can take care of this by washing thoroughly before oral sex or by using latex barriers.

  There are lots of ways to learn about oral sex. Numerous books have come out in recent years that provide quality information and are good reads. How-to videos are also available on the subject. Of course, the best way to learn about your partner’s likes and dislikes regarding oral sex is to ask. Ask your partner to be specific about his or her likes. If your partner can’t give you specifics, try di
fferent touches and ask for feedback.

  Cunnilingus

  Okay, girlfriends, cunnilingus it is. I remember that when I first learned about cunnilingus as a kid, I thought it sounded like one of the grossest things I could imagine. Funny, how things look a bit different from an adult perspective.

  Cunnilingus can include licking, sucking, and nibbling on the clitoris, the labia, or the whole vulva. Many women like to be penetrated with fingers or a dildo while receiving oral sex. The tongue can also be used for penetration, but naturally it can go only so far.

  There are many ways to go down on a woman. Different pressure, placement of the tongue, and rhythms are enjoyable for different women. Ask you partner what she likes best. Tell him what works for you. Do you like your entire vulva to be licked? Do you like the tongue to be flat, or do you enjoy the tip of the tongue? Do you like stimulation directly on your clitoris, to one side, or on the hood? Most women appreciate a steady rhythm and pressure just before and through orgasm. Changing tactics or pressure right before a woman comes usually doesn’t work well.