The Survivor's Guide to Sex

by Staci Haines

  Getting head (that’s my name for getting eaten out) is the only way I can come with a partner.

  Daren

  Having my husband go down on me is both relaxing and such a turn-on. I love it!

  Sally

  Not everyone likes cunnilingus. Some feel that it is dirty “down there” and not a place where you want to put your mouth. This myth of the vulva being dirty still has a hold in our culture, although your mouth actually carries many more bacteria and germs than your vulva. Some people also find cunnilingus triggering because of past abuse, and others simply don’t like it.

  That is how my perp would make me have an orgasm. Then, of course, he

  would say I liked it and the whole thing was my fault. That is so fucked up.

  How was him manipulating me and my body my fault? I am still uncomfortable

  with someone going down on me, though. I lose track of where I am and

  who it is.

  Liz

  I like getting it, but I don’t like giving it. This doesn’t always go over well with my girlfriend.

  Jeanie

  Cunnilingus involves a certain kind of surrender. Your partner is focusing on you and your pleasure. As a survivor, this can be challenging for you to take in.

  I used to worry about time when my fiancé was going down on me. I thought he must be bored, or that I was taking up too much time. I am slowly getting it that he is disappointed when I pull him away from doing that. He told me once that he could go down on me for an entire day. I was amazed.

  Aurora

  The How-to’s of Cunnilingus

  You may want to dive right in, but you’ll most likely enjoy receiving or giving oral attention to the whole body. Experiment! As you become aroused, you’ll be able to take more intense direct clitoral stimulation.

  Whether you’re receiving your lover’s best oral attentions or going down on your girlfriend, the following are some places to begin. You can share these suggestions with your partner or try them out yourself:

  • Kiss and stroke the nipples. Gently suck them until they become erect.

  • Kiss and lick the belly, back, rear end, and inner thighs. Take your time; enjoy all that appreciation!

  • Nibble at her armpits.

  • Blow warm air gently across the vulva. (Never blow air directly into the vagina.)

  • Caress the entire vulva with hands and face.

  • Wrap her up with Saran wrap like a giant gift!

  • Pull out a dental dam, put a little lube on your side of the latex, and hold it in place for your partner.

  • Gently suck her clitoris.

  • Open her outer vaginal lips with your fingers and lick up the center of the vulva from her vaginal opening to her pubic mound.

  • Press your tongue flat against her clit. Move gently from side to side.

  • Ask him to circle your clit with his tongue.

  • Flick your tongue rapidly against the glans, hood, and shaft of her clitoris.

  • Watch those teeth—ask her if she likes the feel of you nibbling on her inner thigh, labia, nipples, and even the hood of her clit.

  • Press your tongue into her vagina.

  • Give her clit a little snap: suck the dental dam into your mouth and then release it.

  Cunnilingus and Triggers

  If you like cunnilingus but it triggers you, or you don’t like it now but would like to learn to, here are some practical suggestions. First, become familiar with your own genitals. Cunnilingus is a close-up on the vulva, after all. Use a mirror to look at yourself. What colors are your labia and clitoris? What is your hair like? Pull back your clitoral hood and check yourself out. Smell and taste your own vaginal secretions. You will notice that both the consistency and the taste of your fluids will change with your menstrual cycle. Your nutrition will also affect the taste of your secretions. Looking at yourself regularly is also a great way to track vaginal health. You will notice yeast and other infections by the changes in secretion and smell.

  Next, introduce your partner to your genitals. Without letting him touch you, show your partner your vulva. Point out your clit and clitoral hood, your labia, and your vagina and perineum. Show her how and where you like to be touched by touching yourself. When you are ready, have your partner place his head near your vulva. Again, no touching yet. Remember to breathe. Practice staying in your body by feeling your sensations. Being in consistent eye contact and communication with your partner also helps. Talk about how this feels for you, and listen to your partner tell you his experience. This exercise can help you to build a new relationship to your own vulva, and to a partner’s touch.

  When you want to move into oral sex, find a position that feels powerful or comfortable for you. Many survivors find it useful to be in a position that allows eye contact. Your partner can kneel or lie between your legs, or you can kneel over his face. In the latter position, you can more easily control the contact and move a bit more freely. Try keeping your eyes open. This can help you orient in time and space and keep you present. Keep breathing. Stop when you want to stop, and continue when you are ready.

  If you have never tried cunnilingus or do not want to try it, explore why not. What about it turns you off? What are your fears and concerns? Are there memories or traumas you associate with cunnilingus? Utilize the resources in chapter 11 on triggers to work more deeply on freeing cunnilingus for yourself. You may decide in the long run that you don’t like cunnilingus—or you may find that you love it! What is most important is that you are making your own choice about it.

  Fellatio

  Many men enjoy receiving oral sex, and many women and men enjoy giving it. You will find that the head of the penis, or glans, and the coronal ridge surrounding it tend to be the most sensitive. The seam running down the underside of the penis, called the raphe, is the most sensitive part of the shaft. The shaft, otherwise, isn’t very responsive to the tongue. Stroking the shaft of the penis with your hand, adding pressure or an up-and-down motion can be enjoyable for your partner. Sucking his balls is another favorite technique for many men. Most men agree that keeping the teeth out of the fellatio experience is best; they hurt!

  I like giving my husband blow jobs. I like being able to take him like that; he melts.

  Rona

  If you use sex toys, you can give head to your partner’s dildo. Strapping on a dildo and receiving an expert blow job is a fun erotic fantasy for many women, whatever the gender of their partner.

  One of my greatest fantasies is imagining my girlfriend giving me a blow job.

  Of course I don’t have a penis, but when we fantasize about it out loud it sure

  seems like I do.

  JR

  Some survivors like fellatio and others do not. Fellatio is often depicted as a degrading act a woman is forced to perform. Many survivors were forced to perform oral sex on their perpetrators, but while you may think that those who were abused in this way would not like oral sex as adults, this isn’t the case. Many survivors who were abused orally as children are able to enjoy oral sex as adults.

  The How-to’s of Fellatio

  Take your time and discover the pleasures of your partner’s body—for both his enjoyment and yours. You can kiss, lick, suck, and caress. You can take your partner’s penis as deeply into your mouth as is comfortable for you. You can pull his penis out of your mouth before he ejaculates, if that is what you prefer. Here are some ideas for exploring fellatio:

  • Kiss and stroke his chest and nipples.

  • Gently suck his nipples until they become erect.

  • Lick his belly, back, butt, and inner thighs. Show him how much you appreciate him!

  • Nibble at his armpits.

  • Caress his balls and inner thighs with your hands and face.

  • Pop an unlubed condom into your mouth and using your tongue and lips, roll it over the head of his penis. (You can practice on a dildo or zucchini.) Use your hands to roll it all the way down
his shaft.

  • Lick his penis from the base of the shaft to the glans and circle the head with your tongue.

  • Suck firmly on just the head of the penis.

  • Holding the base of the penis, relax your throat and bring your partner deeper into your mouth and throat. You can do this with a dildo, too.

  • Press your tongue flat against his perineum (the area between his anus and balls).

  • Nibble gently on the loose skin of his balls. You can suck on his balls and carefully take them into your mouth.

  Fellatio and Triggers

  If you like giving head but it triggers you, or if you don’t like it now but would like to learn to, here are some suggestions: Become familiar with your partner’s penis and balls. Take your time. Ask him to show you his genitals when his penis is not erect. Check out the colors and textures. Get to know his genitals in a way that lets you make friends with them. Begin to build a new association with male genitals. This is the body of someone whom you are choosing as an adult to be sexual with. Connect his genitals with him, and what you like, love, or care about in him. This penis is not here to hurt you. It is a part of his body through which you can both experience pleasure. Remember to breathe during this exploration, and practice staying in your body by feeling your sensations.

  Don’t plan on having oral sex initially. Use your hands to feel the various textures of his skin. Place your head close to him and become acquainted with his smells. You can kiss his genitals and taste them. Breathe. Remember that his genitals are a part of what you care about in him.

  When you are ready to move into oral sex, find a position that feels powerful or comfortable for you. Many survivors find it useful to be in a position that allows eye contact. While he lies on his back, try kneeling next to him or between his legs. Keep your eyes open. This can help you orient in time and space and keep you present. Place your hand around the base of his penis; this way you can control the depth and speed of the movement. Keep breathing. Stop when you want to stop, and continue when you are ready. It is fine to remove your mouth before your partner comes, whether or not you are using condoms.

  Utilize the resources in chapter 11 on triggers to work more deeply on freeing up fellatio for yourself. You may decide in the long run that you don’t like fellatio—or you may find that you love it. What matters most is that you make your own choice about it. You choose your sex life now, not the abuse, not the triggers.

  Rimming

  I don’t know that there are many people I would tell this to, but having my partner’s mouth on my ass is so pleasurable I can hardly stand it.

  Naomi

  Analingus, or rimming, is a sex practice that many do not admit to. Yet, the anal area is full of nerve endings, and for many analingus is as pleasurable as other forms of oral sex.

  Most people are concerned about the cleanliness of such a practice. If you are interested in rimming your partner, or vice versa, you can first clean up with soap and water. Using a barrier of latex or plastic wrap also protects you from bacteria and STDs. Many who practice anal sex also clean internally by gentle rinsing with soap and water, or an enema. Keep in mind that because of the anatomy of the lower intestine, little feces is found in the rectum or anal canal (see chapter 5). Be careful not to let any lubricant or saliva around the anus drip into the vaginal area. The bacteria from the anus can cause a vaginal infection.

  The How-to’s of Rimming

  The anus is a very delicate part of your body, rich in nerve endings, and extremely responsive to touch. You can kiss, lick, and caress. You can nibble the flesh surrounding the anus. With arousal, the anus will open, and you’ll be able to fit more of your tongue inside. If your partner is a woman, make sure that you do not move from her anus to her vagina. Take care to prevent vaginal infections.

  • Kiss and lick the belly, back, butt, and inner thighs. Let your partner anticipate the pleasure to come.

  • Nibble at the flesh surrounding the anus.

  • Blow warm air gently across the anus.

  • Grab a dental dam or other barrier and put a dab of lube on your partner’s side.

  • Circle the anus with the tip of your tongue.

  • Press your tongue flat against the anus and let your partner enjoy the heat and pressure.

  • Gently insert the tip of your tongue into the anus.

  • Pull out a latex glove and some lube. With a woman partner, you can insert a finger into her vagina as your tongue penetrates her anus. With a man, you can gently stroke his penis as you attend to his anus.

  Safer Oral Sex

  Through oral sex you can exchange many a bodily fluid. Semen, including pre-come, and blood from menstruation are two of the bodily fluids with the highest concentrations of HIV. The risk factor in contacting vaginal secretions (with no blood) is fairly low. The tissues of the anus, mouth and gums, and vagina can have tiny tears that allow sexually transmitted diseases to pass.

  Assess your risk based on your sexual behaviors and HIV status, as well as your partner’s. To practice safer fellatio, you can use a condom. Try putting a spot of water-based lubricant inside the tip of the condom to help it slide and increase stimulation for your partner. Remember to hold onto the tip as you put on the condom so air won’t be trapped in the tip, which may cause breakage. There are condoms made of alternative materials for those allergic to latex. Lambskin condoms are not effective for preventing the transmission of HIV.

  For cunnilingus, you can purchase dental dams, which are squares of latex used in dental procedures, or you can cut open a condom or latex glove and use it as a barrier. To use a condom, cut off the tip, then snip it up one side, opening it into a square. Likewise, you can cut open a glove by snipping off the fingers and up one side. If you use dental dams or cut-open condoms or gloves, mark one side with a pen so that if you slip, you’ll know which side goes where. My favorite is plastic food wrap. When using plastic wrap, rip off a long piece and wrap it underneath and around you. No hands! Plastic wrap is also a good substitute for those who are sensitive to latex. A dab of water-based lubricant on the recipient’s side of the barrier increases sensitivity.

  Remember to use a latex barrier for rimming as well. Again, place some lubricant on the receiver’s side of the barrier, and go to town!

  Sex Guide Exercises

  1. How do you feel after reading this chapter? What do you notice in your thinking, emotions, and sensations?

  2. Take out a mirror and look at your own genitals, the area where your partner will be up close and personal during oral sex. Look at the colors, feel the textures. This is a whole and healthy part of you. What do you appreciate about your genitals? Make a list of ten things.

  3. What do you like and dislike about oral sex? Specifically, what do you like most and least about cunnilingus? Fellatio? Rimming? Talk with someone about what you like and dislike.

  4. What did you discover about yourself in reading this chapter?

  chapter ten

  Penetration

  There are all kind of ways to enjoy penetration. You certainly can enjoy vaginal or anal intercourse with a penis—or a dildo. You can also enjoy fingers, vibrators, and even your partner’s whole hand.

  Penetration is not limited to your vagina. Many women (and men) enjoy anal penetration—with fingers, vibrators, butt plugs, dildos, and hands.

  Most women do not reach orgasm from vaginal or anal penetration alone, but need some form of clitoral stimulation. The same is true for men; very few men reach orgasm from anal penetration without some form of penile stimulation.

  There are all kinds of ways to enjoy penetration, both when being penetrated and when penetrating your partner. This chapter will explore some of your options.

  Vaginal Penetration

  There are numerous ways to enjoy vaginal penetration. You may like being penetrated with your own or your partner’s fingers, or with a dildo, either in your partner’s or your own hand, or strapped on with a harness. You m
ay like your partner’s penis best. Maybe you prefer your partner’s fingers or hand, which can stimulate places that a penis might not reach, like the G-spot.

  You’ll notice different sensations at different depths of the vagina. The nerves nearer the opening of the vaginal passage tend to be more sensitive to and stimulated by movement. The deeper part of the vaginal passage responds more readily to pressure. Many woman find the cervix sensitive to touch and pressure, some liking the sensation and others finding it uncomfortable. Where do you feel the most pleasure in your vagina? Are there different sensations and depths that you like?

  The G-Spot

  The G-spot is spoken of by tantra practitioners (see chapter 15) as the “sacred spot” or a center of concentrated sexual intensity for many women. Tantra practitioners also speak of the G-spot as an area that holds sexual trauma. Many survivors have told me that working with the G-spot has been central in healing and releasing past sexual trauma. Some survivors report intense vulnerability, tears, or rage when having their G-spot stimulated.

  I felt so vulnerable and opened up. I did not know that she was stimulating my

  G-spot. I was not familiar with that at the time. It really sent me to another