The Survivor's Guide to Sex

by Staci Haines

  Survivors have many different reasons for feeling that their shame and guilt is deserved. However, there are some common themes: Many survivors believe the abuse was their fault because they didn’t fight back, or because they had an orgasm during the abuse, or because they initiated an episode of the abuse, or because they should have been smart or resourceful enough to stop it. Other survivors feel marked or dirty, ashamed to have been the chosen victim.

  Some survivors abused other kids as a way of acting out what was happening to them. This carries an immense load of guilt and shame. While you do not have to punish yourself, you can take responsibility for your actions. Depending upon your situation, you may want to make amends, if that will support your healing and that of the other person.

  Some children are forced to abuse other kids, as is often the case in ritual abuse. If you had your choice of playing with friends in the backyard, going to get ice cream, or sexually abusing another kid, which would you have chosen? Playing in the yard or getting ice cream. Kids are manipulated into abusing others. While you are accountable for your actions as an adult, children sexually abusing other children is a situation created by adults.

  You may also feel shame about experiencing pleasure or liking sex. Many survivors do. If you like sex, then you must have liked the abuse, right? No way! Experiencing sexual pleasure is your birthright. Sexual pleasure is fine, good, and acceptable.

  Remedy your shame and guilt with regular megadoses of self-forgiveness and self-dignity.

  Being Witnessed in Your Emotions

  Being witnessed in the midst of your emotions is a powerful experience. Being witnessed means just having someone present with you as you feel your feelings. Your friend, lover, or support does not need to change or fix your feelings. She or he can simply witness witness. You can learn from others’ acceptance of your emotions that you are truly okay. In my survivors’ workshops, I notice that other survivors are relieved and happy when someone finally expresses anger, grief, or longing. Everyone seems to breathe a big sigh of relief.

  You can ask for specific support from your witness or support person. You may want to be held or to rant and rave uninterrupted for twenty minutes. You can ask your support person take care of his or her own needs and boundaries. If the experience gets too intense, he or she can take a break.

  Some people are comfortable with certain emotions and not with others. Your friend may be fine holding you when you cry, but freak out when you get really angry. Your emotions are not “too much” or “too intense.” Expressing any degree of anger, loss, or shame in a safe way is just fine. Your partner may simply not have developed the capacity to hang with that depth of emotion. Let your partner take care of his or her needs and limitations. Find a support person who can go with you where you need to go.

  My partner has learned over time. My rage used to scare him; now he is right with me as I kick the bed as hard as I can, yelling at my dad to get away from me.

  Jeanie

  You may find yourself wanting to ask for reassurance. Go ahead and ask. Look at your partner. Let yourself see that someone is there. Ask, “Do you think this is bad?” “Am I hurting you?” “How is this for you?” You may need a reality check as you are learning to express this depth of emotion.

  Sex Guide Exercises

  1. Practice your emotional centering and sourcing. How does this practice change how you move through your triggers and sexual healing?

  2. Choose three different emotions connected to your sexual healing (for example, guilt, anger, and grief). One by one, write about the following for each emotion:

  a. What body sensations let me know that I am feeling this emotion?

  b. What is it like to be in my body and feel my sensations while having this emotion? How much tolerance do I have for this emotion?

  c. Review “The Five Stages of Emotions” in this chapter. Do you tend to get stuck in any particular stage? Is this different for different emotions?

  d. How can I feel and express this emotion? How can I practice completing it?

  chapter thirteen

  S/M, Role-Playing, and Fantasy

  Sex is complex. Your desires may not be tidy or fit into a design that is reflected in the mainstream version of sex. For most people, and particularly for survivors, sex is full of contradictions. Sex can be calm, aggressive, nurturing, and challenging—all at the same time. S/M, role-playing, and fantasies are tools you can use to explore and express sexuality.

  S/M 101: Consent, Power, Sensation

  S/M is short for sadomasochism, a term that has been used by the psychological establishment to label sadistic and masochistic behaviors. People who practice S/M, however, use this term as one of identification and empowerment. S/M refers to a sexual preference that can include power play, intense sensations, pain, bondage, and role-playing.

  Most people associate S/M with images of black leather, bondage, spanking, and whipping. In the early 1990s, Madonna’s photo book Sex made S/M chic. Since then, mainstream culture has adopted S/M imagery, exposing the general public to S/M as a sexual practice.

  For S/M practitioners, including survivors of childhood sexual abuse, S/M can be a powerful, sensate arena for sexual exploration. Many practitioners talk about the safety of S/M, the power of negotiating sexual play, and the potential for sexual healing and self-empowerment through S/M.

  The ground rules of S/M are the basically same as in vanilla sex (the term used by S/M practitioners for non-S/M sex). S/M is practiced between two or more consenting adults. The S/M community is very outspoken about consent. Before engaging in S/M play, the partners discuss their desires, interests, and limits to create a scene in which they can play erotically and safely. Negotiable items include who will participate, what will happen, where, when, and how. Who will be the top? Who the bottom? If you think of S/M as a willing exchange of power between consenting adults, the top is the person who is wielding power and directing the action. The bottom is surrendering power to the top within carefully negotiated parameters. Partners agree upon a “safeword,” which is a code word used to call all activity to a halt, if so desired. Genital contact and orgasm may or may not be a part of an S/M scene.

  A scene may include fantasy roles or characters, bondage, pain, and/or power play. Some players construct elaborate fantasies, with fully costumed characters. Maid and master, older woman and young man, nurse and patient, cop and motorist are common roles people play with. It’s the strong power differential that sets up the dynamic. You can construct an S/M scene from any dynamic that turns you on. S/M play often involves bondage, blindfolding or other sensory control, and restrictions on movement, behavior, and speech. Sensation play can include whipping with soft deerskin floggers, over-the-knee spankings, caning and paddling, nipple play with clamps or clothespins, and playing with hot wax—to name a few.

  S/M players tend to speak about intensity of sensation, rather than pain per se. As you become sexually aroused—whether in S/M or vanilla play—endorphins are released in the body, creating chemical changes. Your threshold for stimulation and pain increases with the production of endorphins. S/M plays with this phenomenon in a way that many people find enjoyable. What looks like it would hurt (and well might when you are not turned on) might be very pleasurable in the right context!

  Exploring the Edges

  Some people will tell you S/M is abusive, perverted, or wrong—in short, a “bad” way to express your eroticism. Many of the arguments against people who eroticize power play are the same ones that are used against gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. And these same arguments have been used against women who have wanted to empower themselves sexually, and against sex itself.

  If you enjoy topping, bottoming, power play, or other S/M eroticism, you are not alone. Many survivors find power play very erotic. Exploring the edges of your own limits and challenging your partners to find theirs can have its place in an empowered sex life.

  The hottest sex I have is in S/M scene
s. The taboo of our scenes and the places

  I get to find in myself are amazing. I get to surrender as a bottom in a way I

  have never surrendered.

  Rey

  S/M is important to me. I don’t want any more violence connected to sex, or any more people hurting kids or adults sexually. S/M is not that. I am turned on by power play, bondage, and whipping. These are very deep and intimate experiences with my partner. It is not about hurting either one of us...rather it is about expressing a very deep part of myself.

  Kassie

  Many survivors play with shame, control, and punishment. This is a hot button for many of us; after all, shame and punishment were means of controlling us as children. You can construct a scene in which a top “threatens” a bottom with punishment for “misbehavior.” In the S/M community, this is called “emotional edge play.”

  Being an S/M top is finally where I feel at home. I was reluctant to get into

  S/M. I was afraid that I would hurt someone or take out my rage in the wrong

  place. The opposite seems to be true. I feel closer to my partners, more caring,

  and I feel more myself.

  Melanie

  Enacting rape scenes in which you can be “taken” in some way is a popular S/M fantasy. Here you can play with the dynamic of being sexually overwhelmed (or taking control of your partner) in a consensual and safe context.

  Rape scenes are very exciting for me. As I say “no,” my partner teases me and talks about how much I want it. This is cathartic and makes all of the abuse stuff less threatening. It gives me more of a sense of control.

  Jenifer

  S/M and Survivors

  The impact of childhood sexual abuse shows up in S/M play just as in any other kind of sex play. Some survivors who are into S/M consciously work with their history of abuse in their scenes. This can be done in a number of ways. You can explore sexual acts and positions in which you were abused. You may find it powerful to reenact abuse scenes and write new endings for them. By reentering the scenario in a safe place with a safe person, you can change your experience of the abuse.

  I reenacted abuse scenes in S/M. This freaks some survivors out, but I got so

  much power back out of it. I cried and worked through the way the abuse had

  turned me on. I also saw how powerful I am now in comparison to how small

  I was then. It brought me compassion for myself and a sense that he could

  never get me again.

  Rebecca

  Some S/M players explore age play, taking on teacher/student or other age-differentiated roles. Others combine age play with gender play; these are specific constructs which have a long history in the S/M community. These roles provide a context to play with the dynamics of nurturing, mentoring, control, and dependence.

  This can be very intense for survivors. If you are going to engage in role-playing that in any way resembles your abuse, prepare yourself and your partner well for it. Make sure your partner is aware of the possible emotional triggers or release that this kind of scene may evoke for you. Be sure to choose a safeword that you will remember if triggered. I suggest that you and your partner establish a good foundation of trust before you engage in this type of scene.

  While you’ll learn a lot about yourself, this type of S/M play is not a substitute for therapy or any other type of concentrated healing from your abuse. Some survivors use S/M as a tool to explore the impact of abuse in a very direct manner. Just as with survivors who prefer vanilla sex, survivors who like S/M find that their sex lives get better and their scenes more satisfying as they are embodied and healing from their abuse.

  S/M as “Acting Out” Abuse

  Within communities of abuse survivors, S/M is a controversial sexual practice and tends to stir up a lot of debate. Almost everyone has an opinion about S/M. Because it is a marginalized sexual practice, many people are uniformed about how S/M really works. They are concerned about combining sex with what looks like violence.

  The most often debated question is whether S/M players are “acting out” prior abuse. My answer is both yes and no, depending. I have interviewed a number of survivors who practice S/M and have done somatic work with many more. At Good Vibrations, I talked with hundreds of customers about their S/M practices. I found that survivors can and do use S/M as a way to dissociate and to unsuccessfully process the abuse. Of course, survivors check out during vanilla sex, too, and use vanilla sex as a way to escape feelings. You can try to complete an unfinished trauma by unconsciously replaying it over and over again, in S/M or any other kind of sex.

  I struggled in the S/M community. I did things that were extreme because I was used to extremes in sex. It was all I knew. I didn’t know how to be in my body enough to have boundaries. I was used to having things done to me.

  Marty

  There is a difference between surrender and abdication. I am not abdicating any of my capacity to make decisions for myself, but I am choosing to surrender.

  Aurora

  Sexual energy in and of itself is neutral. You can have sex in a way that is creative and healing for you, or in a way that keeps you disembodied and at risk.

  What is particularly intense for those observing S/M from the outside is seeing sexuality combined with something that looks much like violence. Sexual violence is all around us. We hear disturbing reports of molested children, battered and murdered women, and rape as a war tactic. Thankfully, many of us are working to end sexual violence. S/M, however, is not sexual violence. First, S/M is consensual sexual play between adults. Second, S/M practitioners negotiate their scenes as equal partners. Third, S/M players employ safewords to stop the play immediately when necessary. Choice and control remain intact in the S/M experience. The bottom is not really out of control, and the scene may look more intense from the outside than it actually is. Violence allows for neither choice nor control.

  S/M does explore an edge of human sexual expression. In every practice, from business to therapy, there are folks who dare to play on the margins, taking risks, and exploring what new experiences may have to offer. Innovation usually happens in the margins and then makes its way to the mainstream. No matter what your position on S/M, what we can appreciate about edgy practices is that they challenge us to take our imaginations further out than what might make us comfortable.

  Survivors have all kinds of experiences in S/M play. Some survivors may feel they are “acting out” abuse, and others praise S/M for being an arena in which they can heal their abuse and fully claim their sexuality.

  Some people in the S/M community argue that power dynamics are at play in all sexual relationships. S/M makes these dynamics overt and agreed upon, instead of covert and nonconsensual.

  If a survivor ever tells me that she doesn’t have to deal with power and its relation to sex in her life, I think she’s lying.

  Jenifer

  Expressing your eroticism in a way that builds your self-esteem, helps you become more embodied, and encourages you have more pleasure in your life is the crux of any sexual choice. Whether you are attracted to S/M or upset by the idea, you can educate yourself further by reading books written by S/M practitioners. You’ll find lots of resources in the back of the book.

  Vanilla Role-Playing

  Folks who do not practice S/M may still like to play erotically with roles and characters. The variety of characters is limited only by your imagination. You’ll probably find that certain dynamics and characters stay with you over time. You may want to play with gender or sexual orientation. You can let a part of you out that you normally do not express fully. You can be a movie star, a vamp, a goddess, or a dominatrix. Role-playing can open up your possibilities, letting you become a lot more flexible in your sexual expression.

  My lover and I like to dress up. He’ll actually dress as the woman and I as the man. We trade and intensify the gender roles. It is a great turn-on and very intimate because we are both stretching our comfort zones. />
  Halli

  Fantasy

  Fantasies are fertile ground for exploring your desires. Here’s a way to heat up your sex life. You can use your imagination to try out a new sexual idea before you enact it. You can delight in new lovers, make love in risky places, or take on a new sexual role—all in the privacy of your own mind. The more flexible your thinking and fantasizing about sex, the better your sex life will be.

  One of my favorite things to do is to tell my lover a fantasy while we are making love. It is yummy. I put us both into the fantasy, talking us through hot sex scenes and erotic terrain. Sometimes I’ll make him a prince from a neighboring kingdom and me the princess heir to the throne. One time I turned him into a frog. That made us laugh.

  Jeanie

  I have found that survivors often feel ashamed about fantasies that involve force, rape, incest, or sexual aggression of any kind. Somehow we got the idea that our fantasies are supposed to be filled with flowers and soft music. Lots of survivors fantasize about rape and other scenarios that include some form of power exchange. Some rape fantasies are violent, others romanticized. Some survivors get years of pleasure from these fantasies, while others are disturbed by them.