Book 3: 3rd World Products, Inc

by Ed Howdershelt

  She looked slightly puzzled as she said, “The game, Ed. You said everyone would be wearing bikinis. I took that to mean only the women, of course, since men don't..."

  "Steph, only the women players will be wearing bikinis."

  Her expression changed to one of abashed surprise. I knew that she was verifying my answer in the split-second before she said, “If I had reviewed Selena's other games, I'd have known that. You must sometimes think that I'm a complete idiot."

  I shook my head slightly and said, “No. You're right, I did say ‘everyone', and we caught the error before it could happen in public, not that it wouldn't have been one helluva show. Were you reading me when you appeared in that bikini?"

  With a thoroughly innocent expression, she asked, “Should I have been?"

  "A yes or no would be more appropriate, ma'am."

  She shrugged with a slight tilt of the head—new move, that—and said, “Yes."

  "Then you already know how you've affected me. Take my reaction as a compliment and put some clothes on. Please."

  "But I thought you'd like..."

  "No buts, Steph. Just do it, and please don't appear damned near naked around me again. It could become very frustrating for me to see you like that very often."

  She materialized her usual casual outfit, a skirt and jacket with a pale green blouse, and stood quietly regarding me as I finished making my coffee.

  When I turned to face her again, she grinningly asked, “That good, huh?"

  I grinned back at her. “Oh, yeah. That good,” I said. “Stunningly beautiful, but save it for the beach."

  Tiger floated into the kitchen on one of Elkor's translucent pads. He was sitting in the center of the disk, his tail curled around his paws, as he studied us.

  Elkor's disembodied voice said, “Stephanie, I fail to understand why you felt a need to attempt to impress Ed in that manner."

  "I simply misinterpreted his use of the word ‘everyone',” said Steph.

  "That seems unlikely. In many other instances, you've correctly inferred the true meaning of his words, to include his use of that particular word."

  Stephanie's gaze narrowed.

  In a flat tone, she said, “Not this time,” and disappeared.

  After a moment, Elkor said, “I see,” and the Tiger-transport pad floated out of the kitchen and back to the living room.

  It occurred to me to wonder why Elkor, the more powerful of the two computers and the first to develop an individual personality, didn't also have at least a face of some sort for conversational convenience with humans. Instead, he seemed to prefer being a disembodied voice, a faux-cat companion for Tiger, or some other device like the floating disk. I resolved to ask him about that some time.

  I pulled my briefcase down from its usual resting place above my head and put in my datapad, then closed it and thoughtfully watched it disappear. Elkor had asked a valid question. I didn't buy her “confusion over a word” excuse, either. Why had Stephie appeared before me in a bikini?

  Just before noon, the phone rang. It was Selena, using her cell phone to call for help. Toni's spare tire was as flat as her left front tire and they were stranded on US-27 a few miles outside of Perry.

  "Well, I guess I could maybe swing out that way and see what I can do to help,” I said. “What kind of car will I be looking for?"

  "A dark blue, unmoving Mustang."

  "A real Mustang? A pre-seventy-two, or one of those little wedgie cars they've been sticking the pony on the last couple of decades?"

  "It's a ninety-five, and don't be a vintage snob at a time like this, okay? It's just a car and we have to be in Tallahassee in less than two hours."

  "Snob, huh? Spend time in a real Mustang, then say that again. Okay. On the way, ma'am. One of you pull the front tire off while you wait and we'll get ‘em both fixed."

  "You got it. Thanks, Ed."

  "Thank Stephie when you see her, too. She's driving."

  "Will do. Bye!"

  I grabbed my coffee and some newspapers as I called, “Stephie?"

  "I heard. I'm already in the driveway, Ed."

  "Thank you, miLady."

  "Yahh!” said Tiger, who was curled up on the sofa chair.

  "Tiger wants to know if he has to go with you,” said Elkor

  "No, he doesn't have to, if he'd rather stay here. It might be best if I met Selena's new friend first, anyway. I can ask if she's allergic to cats."

  Elkor translated, then Tiger let himself sprawl and seemed to go to sleep. I didn't need to ask if Elkor wanted to come with us. If he had any interest, he could simply monitor events through Stephanie or me or make an appearance.

  We headed north on a course to intersect US-27 about ten miles outside Perry. As we neared the highway, Stephie put up a field display. On it were two women—a redhead and a brunette—standing next to a dark blue car. Two tires were lying next to the car.

  "They don't seem too distressed,” said Steph.

  "No, they don't. Zoom in on them, please, Steph."

  She did so, and suddenly the picture was almost life-size. The two tall women were sharing a laugh about something as the brunette—Toni—pointed to something in a magazine. She pointed to something else on another page and the women almost collapsed with laughter. As they sat close together on the shoulder of the road, leaning against the car in what little shade it provided, Toni leaned to kiss Selena on the cheek. Selena turned her face and received another kiss, this time on her lips. It didn't last long, and both women quickly glanced around before they started laughing again.

  "They do seem to be enjoying each others’ company, as you said,” said Steph.

  "That they do,” I said. “It'll be interesting to see how Toni reacts to us."

  "You mean ‘to you’ don't you?"

  "No, I mean ‘to us', Steph. You're part of the package unless things get intimate. I'll deal with how she reacts to me later, if at all."

  "What do you mean, ‘if at all', Ed?"

  We were descending toward the disabled car, unnoticed by either woman.

  "I mean, Steph, that Toni may not be interested. I may show up in a flitter and impress her all to hell, but I'm 52, not 22 or 32. Could be she likes ‘em her own age, or blonde and muscular, or maybe she isn't over the last guy yet. By the way, keep an eye on the loose coins on the deck if you aren't going to hide them."

  Steph popped into being a foot in front of me looking as if she were heading for an office job. She had an expression of startlement.

  "How can you say such a thing...?"

  "Just do it, please,” I interrupted. “Hide ‘em or watch ‘em. I'm not saying Toni or Selena would steal any, but people are fallible creatures. How many coins are there?"

  "Five hundred and three,” she said.

  "If you just cloak them, one of the ladies might trip over them. Better to just let them know up front that you're omniscient."

  "But I'm not omniscient, Ed."

  "On your own deck, you're as close as anyone needs to come to it. Just remember that we don't know Toni at all and that Selena's only known her for a short while. She may have little quirks, like most other people in this world."

  "I see. In that case, I'd rather stack the coins within the bars on the rear deck and conceal the entire load. Should I accompany you like this, or would you prefer to meet with them alone?"

  "Your choice, Steph. Either way, I'll have to explain you to Toni sometime."

  Steph's image disappeared and she said, “Then I believe I'll remain invisible for the time being, too, and see how things progress. If you'll excuse me..?"

  Selena had looked up and spotted us approaching. She stood up and waved excitedly. Toni, on the other hand, simply stared at us rather gapingly as we landed behind the car.

  After a big hug, Selena released me and said, “This is Toni. Toni, this is Ed.” Turning to face the flitter, she said, “Hi, Stephanie, this is Toni."

  Steph rather mechanically said, “Hello, Selen
a. Hello, Toni,” and no more. That struck me as rather odd. She was usually fairly enthusiastic about meeting friends and new people. Toni looked somewhat askance at the flitter, apparently taking Steph's response as an automatic response from a voice-operated computer onboard.

  I stuck out a hand and said, “Hi, Toni."

  Toni had a firm grip that didn't seem contrived and she was one of those people who make eye contact during such moments. I liked that about her instantly. She also had satiny smooth skin over surprisingly solid arms and legs, and I liked that about her, too. If she wasn't quite six feet tall, she was damned close.

  "You're an impressive woman,” I said. Turning to Selena, I said, “You seem to have excellent taste, Sel. This lady is absolutely spectacular."

  She grinned and reddened slightly. I didn't look to see how Toni took my words. Instead, I folded a couple of pages of newspaper into pads and used them to grip the rims of the two wheels, then tossed them onto the newspapers on Stephie's deck, even as it occurred to me that the papers on her deck were wholly unnecessary, since nothing could stick to or stain her without her consent. That thought made me curious about something.

  "Steph, do you continue to wear this emerald paint job because I put it there or because you like it?"

  Stephanie's disembodied voice said, “Both, Ed."

  "Hmm. Do you like it because I put it there or because you just like it?"

  "Both, Ed. I think that deep emerald green is a nice color."

  In a whisper that wasn't quite quiet enough, Toni asked Selena, “Is that machine talking to him like a person?"

  "That's right,” said Selena. “She's not just a machine, Toni. She's fabulous."

  In much more open style than before, Stephie said, “Thank you, Selena. Ed hardly ever has a kind word for me, you know. Sometimes I think I'm just a fancy truck to him. If he uses that bullwhip on me again, I think I'll..."

  I said, “You'll shut up before you give Toni the wrong idea, or I'll run out and buy a bullwhip. Ladies, don't believe that crap. I told her just this morning that she's beautiful."

  "Is that true, Stephie?” asked Selena. “Did he really say that this morning?"

  Steph slowly admitted, “Well, yes, but only after I put on a bikini for him."

  Toni looked truly confused, but Selena had heard this sort of banter before. She eyeballed the lines of the flitter and asked, “Where the hell did you find one to fit you, Steph?"

  "I had to make it myself,” said Steph, “He won't buy me any clothes, either. Would you like to see the bikini?"

  Before I could say ‘no', Selena laughed and said, “Sure, Stephie!"

  Yeah, she did it. Stephanie materialized herself on the flitter deck as she had in the kitchen, in all her gorgeous, bikini-clad splendor. She then stepped carefully to the ground and extended a hand to first Selena, then to Toni, and the stunned women rather automatically shook hands with Steph as they gaped at her. After a moment, Selena looked at her hand, then at Steph's, and then at me.

  "How the hell did she do that, Ed? She's never been able to touch me like that before...” Selena's eyeballs almost seemed to click as they locked on Steph's face. “How did you shake hands just now?” she asked. “You're just a hologram..?"

  Stephie smiled and bent to “pick up” a hand-sized chunk of concrete and held it in front of her for a moment before she shielded the stone with her other hand and “squeezed” it with her “thumb". With a loud snap, it broke in several pieces. She let them fall to the ground and turned to face the ladies.

  "Like that, but much more gently,” she said, “I've been experimenting with my fields.” Then she turned to me and asked, “Aren't these ladies still in a hurry? Shouldn't we take these tires to a repair facility?"

  Chapter Twelve

  She looked and sounded totally guileless and innocent, but I was as unnerved by her display as Selena and Toni. Allowing the two women aboard the flitter suddenly seemed to me to be a very questionable idea.

  "Sure,” I said. “But out here, it would probably be a good idea not to leave the car alone, or it might not be here when we get back. You ladies wait with the car while we run the tires into Perry. Need anything to drink before we go?"

  "Uh,” said Selena, still a bit taken aback. “We're fine, Ed. You go ahead."

  I nodded and hopped aboard Steph, who deleted her bikini-clad image on the ground, rematerialized it on the flitter deck, and began lifting us almost immediately. Selena and Toni stood staring after us as I turned to stare at Stephie.

  "You forgot to change,” I said.

  "Oh. Sorry,” she said, and her bikini was replaced by her usual outfit.

  I quietly asked, “Steph, what the hell was all that about? The bikini and the rock crushing? Were you trying to scare them?"

  "No, Ed. I merely demonstrated how I manipulate fields while showing Selena the bikini I wore this morning."

  "Why did you even bring up the bikini incident, Steph?"

  "It seemed humorous. I was trying to contribute something to the conversation. Your tone and your readings indicate that you're upset with me."

  I reined in my irritation and said, “I'm upset with what happened back there, Steph. Toni looked as if she was ready to run for her life, and so did Selena. Whether you meant to or not, you scared them. Me, too, for that matter. I thought ... Well, I'm not sure what I thought, but that was a bit much."

  Steph sat down and looked up at me questioningly for a moment, then said, “When we spoke of Toni before, you seemed worried that she wouldn't find you interesting. I thought that if I could impress her as a strong feminine presence, she would in turn be impressed by the fact that you were with me, thereby increasing her level of interest in you. I was only trying to help."

  "Uh, huh. Well, she may have been impressed with you, but I'm not sure you've helped my cause any. By the way, did I happen to ask for that kind of help?"

  Steph met my gaze and said, “No, Ed. You didn't. I'm sorry if I've made a mistake."

  I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't have seemed argumentative, so I said nothing and sat down in the pilot's seat.

  The eighth gas station that passed below us actually had repair bays—a rarity these days—so we settled near one of the bays. A man in the office simply stared at us, frozen in some motion having to do with items on a shelf. I waved and pointed at the tires on Stephie's deck. His arms dropped to his sides, but otherwise he made no move and continued staring.

  "Damn. Steph, hold the fort. I have to go wake this guy up."

  I hopped down and pulled the tires off the deck to the ground, then headed for the office door. I stopped as a guy stepped out of the shaded area of the repair bay. He whistled sharply and waved at me, apparently just in case I hadn't seen him while staring right at him.

  "Them tires flat?” he asked.

  "Yup. They don't get any flatter."

  He seemed to consider that for a moment, then asked, “You want ‘em fixed?"

  Jesus. Is this guy for real?

  "Yeah,” I said, trying not to sound sarcastic. “A couple of women are stranded out on twenty-seven."

  He nodded and approached me, looking over, around, and under the flitter. Stephanie's holoimage was nowhere in sight.

  "Kinda figgered they wasn't exactly your tires,” he said, indicating the flitter, “'Cause that thing ain't got no wheels under it I can see. Looks right slick, though, for sumpin’ that ain't got no wheels."

  As the tire guy leaned to look at the flats we'd brought, Steph rather warmly said, “Thank you, sir."

  The guy straightened, yelled, "Waddahell!" and jumped back a pace. “That damn’ thing talked to me jist now, dinnit?"

  "She said 'thank you'. That usually calls for 'you're welcome', doesn't it?"

  "Uh. Yeah, okay. Sure. I guess so. Uh, yer-welcome-lady.” He loudly and separately pronounced every word of his reply to her, then he rather nervously turned to me and asked, “Think she unnerstood that allright?"
r />   "Yeah, probably. She can usually work with dialects fairly well."

  "What's a di-lek?"

  "It's when English in one place sounds different from English somewhere else. North, South, or wherever, everybody in the country speaks a dialect of English."

  "Oh. Yeah.” He tore his eyes away from the flitter and said, “Well, it'll be five bucks each if all them tires need is patchin'. That okay?"

  "Sure, that's fine,” I said.

  With another glance at the flitter he picked up the tires and headed back to the repair bay. I sat down on the flitter's deck. A few moments later and for no particular reason, I felt the urge to sit in one of the regular seats and kill the glaring sunlight.

  "Steph, opaque the canopy, please. I'd like some shade."

  A gray tinge told me that the canopy field had polarized and now looked like solid metal from the outside, even though I could still clearly see our surroundings. There was perhaps half as much sunlight as before.

  "Why did you disappear, Steph?"

  She popped into being in the seat next to mine, then said, “I had no reason to expend energy maintaining my holoimage, Ed. You'd left the flitter."

  That made perfect sense, of course, but just as 'of course', she really had no more reason to use the holoimage around me than did Elkor.

  "Steph, are you having problems about me associating with other women?"

  "No, Ed."

  "You're sure?"

  "Yes, Ed."

  "Tell me why, Steph. I have to feel that letting other people aboard you is safe, and after watching you crush that rock while wearing a bikini, I can't feel that way."

  With an incredulous expression, she asked, “You're serious? My protective protocols are very much in place, Ed."

  I marveled momentarily at her facility with facial expressions, then said, “Yeah, I'm serious. Tell me why you chose to make yourself look like my own personal goddess by building yourself a face and body based on my response readings when all you really needed was a useable face and body for human interaction. Tell me how you can feel a need to do all that—to look like that—and yet you can tell me that you won't have a problem with me playing with other women."

  "I can say that for the most obvious reason, Ed. I can't make love with you. They can. Also, while we can be companions in many ways, you require personal interactions that only other real humans can provide. As I said before, I'm not interested in trying to become too human-like. As I said, I didn't exactly choose this face and body. You did. Like you said, I just needed a serviceable face and body, but I thought that optimizing my features to suit your tastes would please you. I'm sorry if I've made another mistake."