Book 3: 3rd World Products, Inc

by Ed Howdershelt

  I sat back and looked at her for a moment.

  "Stephie, you've made yourself the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. The only trouble is, you aren't quite real in one very important sense."

  After a moment, she asked, “I understand. I can change my features, Ed. Is that what you want me to do?"

  I considered what to say next, then settled for, “Put a hold on making changes, Steph. It may be very hypocritical of me at this point, but I'm having trouble with the idea of you not looking like you. Let's try to think of a way to reassure Selena and Toni, instead. They're likely to be somewhat leery of you for a while."

  "Hey in there!” came a voice from outside.

  I saw the tire guy standing by the flitter and got up to step out without thinking. To him, it must have seemed as if I'd walked through a solid steel wall. He backed up a pace and almost let go of the tires he was holding.

  I smiled and said, “All fixed? Great. Thanks,” as I reached for my money clip. He backed up another pace, but when he saw what I'd been reaching for, he stepped forward again. I handed him a ten dollar bill and he set one of the tires down to take it. As he put the bill in his shirt pocket, I put my money clip back and reached for the tire he was holding.

  He goggled at something behind me and muttered, “Oh, holy Mother of God and all the goddamned saints, too..."

  I looked behind me and saw that Steph had cleared the canopy. She was standing by the console and was fielding the other tire from the ground to her deck.

  The tire guy used the act of handing me the other tire to whisper, “You got ghosts on that thing, boy. Big ‘uns, if'n they can sling tires around."

  Stephie laughed softly as she fielded the other tire aboard. I turned to watch it float above the flitter's deck and neatly stack itself on top of the other tire.

  I grinned at the tire guy and said, “Nope. Not ghosts. Gremlins. They lost their airline jobs, so I hired ‘em to crew for me. They really get the job done, don't they?"

  The tire guy was backing away from us as he said, “No shit. I mean, they shorely do get the job done. Yes, they do. Well, I guess you don't be needin’ me no more, will ya?"

  Before I could answer, he turned and quick-stepped away from us and into the repair bay. Stephie laughed again as I stepped aboard, this time an unconcealed, melodic guffaw. She lifted us back toward the ladies, then laughed again.

  "Oh, I'm so confused, sir! Am I a big ghost or a gremlin?"

  "Gotta be a ghost,” I said. “You don't have the limitations of a gremlin."

  As we landed near the car, both ladies seemed hesitant to approach us. I hopped down and went to check the jackstand. It was one of those pissy little scissors-jacks that tend to sway too much for safety and Toni hadn't set the parking brake. I set the brake and cranked the jack down to reposition it as Toni stood by the front bumper.

  "Ladies,” I said, “It appears that what happened before was just a misjudgment on Stephie's part. She's finding new uses for her fields and she just got carried away."

  Toni muttered a noncommittal sort of, “Uh, huh."

  Selena quietly asked, “Does she run around the house in that bikini, Ed?"

  I laughed as I cranked the jack up to meet the car's frame.

  "Nope. Fact is, I told her not to do that, ‘cause it would be too frustrating for me. Remember when you asked why I didn't have any Playboy magazines, like most guys you've known? Same principle applies."

  "You said that there was no point in lusting over women you'd never meet. It isn't quite the same, Ed. Stephanie's with you 24-7."

  As the gap between the ground and the wheel mounts widened, I said, “She's around, but there's no warm, satiny flesh to run my fingers over. I don't think the soap would stick to her in the shower, either. She looks like some kind of goddess, even with her clothes on, but like most nonhuman goddesses, she's a little, um ... out of reach in one very important sense."

  Another small, skeptical, ‘Uh, huh” slipped out of Toni.

  When the wheel mounts looked far enough off the ground, I asked, “Steph, how about handing me one of those tires, please?"

  "Coming up,” she said.

  A tire floated toward me over the roof of the car and settled next to me. Both women, who had been standing fairly near me, backed up slightly.

  Steph said, “If someone will open the trunk, I'll put the other wheel in it."

  Toni said, “Sel,” and tossed the keys to Selena, who unlocked the trunk. The tire floated from Stephie's deck to settle gently into the recessed area in the trunk.

  Selena said, “Uh, thanks, Stephanie."

  "You're welcome, Selena."

  One of the lug nuts was missing. As I looked around for it, Toni apologized and said that it had rolled underneath the car. When I spotted it, I used my implant to extend a narrow field through the nut's threaded hole and lifted it to my hand. In the reflection from the car's paint, I noticed Toni had frozen and was staring at me again.

  Selena giggled and said, “Oh, it's all right, Toni. He does stuff like that all the time. He's got some kind of implant that lets him do field stuff.” She pointed to a spot just behind her ear and said, “Right there, I think."

  Toni had a distasteful expression as she asked, “An implant? You mean like ... He let them put something in his head?"

  I said, “Yeah, that's what he did, and now he's some kind of monster, naturally."

  "That's not what I meant,” said Toni. “It's just ... Well, I don't know if I could let a bunch of aliens put something in my head."

  I tightened the lug nuts in a star pattern and began lowering the car before speaking. “The Amarans didn't do it, Toni. I did it. It saves me from having to crawl under cars for lug nuts."

  I banged the flimsy hubcap into place, then stood up and faced her as I extruded a field to pick up first the jack handle, then the cheesy little scissor-jack, even though it was a tad heavier than I should have been lifting with my implant. Toni's eyes widened considerably as the tools rose to my hands. I headed for the rear of the car and anchored the tools in the trunk.

  "That does it,” I said, closing the trunk. “You're ready to roll."

  Chapter Thirteen

  Selena came over to give me a kiss and said, “Thanks. We were really stuck out here. It's ten miles to anywhere on this road."

  "Nine point two miles, actually,” said Steph.

  "Oh! Damn, I'm sorry, Stephie! Thank you, too. I really mean that."

  "You're welcome, Selena."

  Toni appeared to be trying to come to terms with her roadside experience. She walked to the rear of the car and stuck her hand out toward me rather stiffly.

  "Yeah, thanks,” she said. “Both of you. I'm just glad we had a way to call you."

  There was that warm, firm grip again. The sun glistened off her shoulders and arms and I noticed her noticing my approving glance as I said, “No problem, Toni."

  Selena had reached into the back seat for a bottle of water and had sipped it, then she made a face and said, “Eeewww. It's hot from sitting in the sun."

  I reached for the bottle and sent a cooling field into it as I pretended to read the label for several seconds, then handed it to Toni as I said, “It doesn't feel hot to me."

  She took the bottle and almost dropped it in surprise. Turning it slightly to examine it, she made the blob of ice inside it rattle against the walls of the bottle.

  "Showoff,” said a grinning Selena.

  "Damn right,” I said, returning her grin. “Some people have to be shown how useful an implant can be. Ladies, you only have an hour or so to be in uniform, Tallahassee's almost sixty miles away, and the area from here to there is known to be a speed trap. Why not drive the car as far as the nearest safe place to park it and let Stephie and me take you to the game?"

  Selena looked at her watch and swore softly. Toni glanced from me to Stephie and started to say, “Well, I don't know..."

  "But I do,” said Selena. “He's right
. Any little holdup along the way and we'd be late. Let's get the gear aboard Stephie."

  Toni seemed startled by Sel's interruption and her take-charge attitude, which made me wonder what kind of relationship the two women had established. I'd never known Sel to be reticent in the least, so I was somewhat surprised by Toni's surprise.

  Selena and I grabbed the gear bags from the back seat and tossed them aboard Stephie. Toni somewhat belatedly grabbed her own backpack and held onto it and Selena's backpack as if afraid that they'd be put on the flitter, too.

  Selena noticed Toni's reluctance and took her aside to whisper to her, but they weren't far enough away that I couldn't hear what she said.

  "Look, sweetie,” said Selena, “This is that guy I told you about. If he says things are cool, they are. Believe it. I know that he and Stephie are a little outside your usual range, but try to stretch a little. All we're looking at here is a ride into T-town and back. If you don't want to go to dinner or hang out later, that's cool. We'll both understand if you're a little too weirded out by things."

  Toni seemed a bit truculent as she said, “I'm not weirded out, okay? It's just ... Well, look, just don't worry about it."

  She turned away from Selena and tossed the backpacks through the open window into the back seat, then opened the driver's door and looked at me as Selena ran around the front of the car and got in.

  "We'll find a restaurant or someplace to put the car,” said Toni. “What are you gonna do? Follow along up there?” She pointed at the sky.

  I nodded and said, “Yup. Don't worry, you won't lose us."

  With a nod of her own, she turned and got into the driver's seat. I hopped aboard Steph and pulled a Dr Pepper out of the cooler as I watched Toni watching me in her rearview mirror. To her it must have seemed that the Dr Pepper suddenly appeared in my hand. I was too far away to see her expression in the rearview mirror, but it was pretty evident when her head whipped around and she stared hard at me. I smiled at her and opened the bottle.

  After a moment of staring at me, she turned to Selena. I couldn't hear what was said, but Selena's impatient reaction was obviously some version of, "Yeah, yeah, let's get this crate moving!"

  When Toni didn't immediately move the car, I said, “Steph, if that Dr Pepper trick startled her, how would she take it if you kind of floated me over to the driver's door so I can ask if there's a problem?"

  "Judging by her most recent behavior, Ed, I'd say you might be pushing things a bit by doing that."

  "Hmm. Could be. Guess I'd better touch down on Sel's side of the car, huh?"

  "Did you deliberately misinterpret my meaning, Ed?"

  "Yup. Sure did, ma'am."

  "Aren't you afraid that your actions might scare her off this time?"

  "This is different. I'm not squashing chunks of concrete in a green bikini. I'd just be landing next to the car. If that's enough to scare her off, then..."

  "Too late,” said Steph. “They're leaving."

  Sure enough, the car was finally moving off the grass and onto the road.

  "Rats. You're right, they're getting away, Steph."

  "That may be just as well, Ed. I was monitoring you when you met Toni. Based on those readings, you might not want to risk frightening her away. Also, there are Selena's feelings to consider. She, too, seems rather enamored of Toni."

  "Yes, Mother. Hey, were you considering lifting off anytime soon? Like before we have to look for them somewhere up ahead?"

  With a reasonable facsimile of a sigh, Steph said, “Oh, yes, sir, sir. Lifting now, Captain, sir."

  I sipped my Dr Pepper and thought a minute, then asked, “Steph, did you happen to be monitoring Toni, too, when we met?"

  She'd been apparently gazing at the scenery as we trailed the ladies along the highway. With a glance at me, she said, “Yes, Ed. As it happens I was, indeed, monitoring Toni when you met. Also when you shook hands with her before they left."

  "Uh, huh. Thoroughness. I've always liked that about you, Steph. You're very thorough. I don't suppose you'd consider telling me what reaction she had to me?"

  She turned to face me in her seat and recited, “Her skin and body temperatures—measured separately, of course—were slightly elevated. Her heartbeat and respiration were also slightly above her apparent norm. I noticed a very slight trembling in her hands, as well."

  I sipped my drink again and said, “That's it?"

  Returning her gaze to the countryside, Steph said, “I'm afraid so. It was neither the time nor the place to request a blood sample. Those may well have been signs of trepidation, of course."

  "Oh, of course. Do you really think so, though?"

  With a grinning glance at me, Steph said, “No, I don't, really, but what would I know of such things? I'm just a computer."

  "You're just a computer like a tiger is just a cat, Steph. Thank you."

  "You're welcome. Good luck, by the way. It may really have been trepidation."

  "I'll cross my fingers, then. Looks as if they're pulling into that motel."

  On the north side of the highway was a combination motel and restaurant. The Mustang stopped in front of the motel's office and the ladies got out of the car. Toni went inside the office while Selena walked toward us with their backpacks as we landed behind the Mustang. The woman at the check-in desk in the office seemed to become rather agitated when she saw a flitter in her driveway. She scooted around the desk and almost trotted to the door. Toni followed her outside.

  The woman strode quickly up to the flitter, but stopped about a yard from it. Without taking her eyes off the emerald green hull, she gave Stephie and me a tense little wave and said, “Hi. I'm Betty. Betty Cotson. Could I maybe get a picture of you and your, uh ... Your UFO in front of my motel?"

  Steph asked, “Will it be all right if these ladies leave their car here for a few hours? We need to get them to Tallahassee quickly."

  Betty had apparently forgotten about the car. She glanced at Toni's Mustang and waved at it dismissingly as she said, “Oh, sure, sure! No problem!"

  "Then I don't mind if you take my picture,” said Steph. “Should I put the canopy up?"

  "Huh?"

  "The canopy. Like this."

  Steph put up the field canopy. From the outside, the flitter would look as if it were made of metal from bow to stern, without even a window or cockpit.

  "Uh, yeah! Wow! It looks like it's gonna take off for space! I'll be right back!"

  Betty dashed into the office and rooted in her desk for a moment, then dashed back outside with one of those disposable, no-skill-required cameras. She scampered around the flitter and backed up almost halfway across US-27 before she had everything she wanted in the viewfinder, then snapped half a dozen pictures before she stopped, straightened up with a surprised look on her face, and waved at Selena.

  "Would you take my picture?” she asked. “I want couple of me next to the ... What is that thing? I think the paper called it a 'flitter'?"

  "Sure,” said Selena. “And you're right; they're called flitters."

  A few snaps later, Selena said, “Okay. We really have to get moving, now, or we'll be late. We'll be back for the car this evening."

  Betty nodded rather distractedly as she took the camera from Selena as if it were some kind of fragile antique.

  "Fine,” she said, backing away from the flitter. “Thanks, everybody!"

  Selena hopped aboard and took a seat. Toni seemed to hesitate as she approached us, so I put out a hand to assist her in stepping up to Stephie's deck. She stopped a yard or so from the flitter and looked past me at Selena, who gestured to match her words, “C'mon, Toni!"

  Toni looked up at me and met my gaze for a long few moments, then took my hand and stepped up to Stephie's deck. I patted the back of the seat next to Selena's and she eased down into it.

  Steph said, “Toni, relax. I've never lost a passenger. Never."

  Selena giggled and added, “She's scared a few, though. You ought to see s
ome of the things she can do in the air."

  "No, please,” said Toni. “You don't know what it took for me to get on this thing."

  We all looked at her curiously for a moment. She sighed, turned to face front and crossed her arms, then said quietly, “I'm afraid of flying. Don't laugh."

  I shrugged and said, “Hey, everybody fears something. With me, it's sharks."

  Toni said, “It isn't the same. Everybody goes everywhere on airplanes. I'm the only person I know who can't just buy a ticket to wherever and get on a plane."

  Steph asked, “Can you keep your eyes closed for a few minutes, Toni?"

  "A few minutes?"

  Nodding, Steph said, “In a few minutes, we can be in Tallahassee."

  "Uh, I guess so..."

  "Then here we go. I'll keep us at a very low altitude, Toni. Just close your eyes and keep them closed if you begin to feel uncomfortable."

  Steph began lifting, accompanied by a tiny screech from Toni, who rather frantically glanced at the ground and got a deathgrip on her seat. Selena reached to put a hand on Toni's shoulder, which elicited another screech as Toni's head whipped around.

  "Oh. Sorry,” said Selena.

  Toni's exhalation sounded like, “Huuuuhhhh!” and her head whipped back to where she could see beyond the edge of the deck.

  "Steph,” I said, “Why not opaque the canopy about halfway up? That might help."

  She did so, and suddenly there appeared to be a wall of metal surrounding the cabin. With her view of the ground cut off, Toni's head again whipped around and she faced us with stark, staring terror.

  Using my implant, Steph said, “Ed, I can emit theta waves that will calm her. Would that be proper, or should I ask her, first?"