Wicked Honeymoon (An Ivy Morgan Mystery Book 19)

by Lily Harper Hart

  “That’s because my wife loves to talk,” Jack drawled. “She’s a regular chatterbox. Sometimes I have to gag her to get a little shuteye at night. Of course, then she just finds me in my dreams.” He winked at Ivy for good measure. Since they could dream walk together, something Ivy provided the magic for and Jack often directed, he wasn’t exaggerating.

  “I think our trips are better suited for newlyweds, or those who are comfortable in their relationships,” Tyson explained. “Things can get tense on the water, even when it’s calm out. Also, being trapped in a kayak for hours when your partner doesn’t much like you can make for an uncomfortable experience.”

  “I can see that,” Ivy mused, sadness washing over her. “I don’t really like to think of marriages ending, especially right now.”

  “Because yours is just beginning?”

  “I guess. Jack and I believe we’ll be married forever. I’m willing to bet that Lily and Bart believed that at some point, too. That’s the whole reason for getting married, right? I don’t like thinking about the fact that people don’t make it to the finish line when they start out from a place of love.”

  “Are you worried you guys won’t make it?” Tyson looked legitimately curious. “I mean ... you guys seem pretty strong.”

  “Oh, we’ll make it.” Ivy didn’t doubt that for a second. “Some things are built to last.”

  “And that’s us,” Jack agreed. “We’ll never get divorced.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. I’m sure Lily and Bart didn’t think they would get divorced either. They’re completely separate from one another, though. They don’t fight. They don’t talk about the trip. They don’t even mention the scenery. They might as well be on different vacations.”

  “That’s scarier than couples that fight all the time,” Ivy acknowledged. “At least couples who fight still have passion and spark.”

  “We know that better than most,” Jack said, causing her to laugh.

  “We do,” she agreed. “We’ve only been together a year or so, but we haven’t run out of things to talk about yet. I hope it never happens.”

  “With some couples it doesn’t,” Tyson acknowledged. “We had a couple a few weeks ago, they were in their seventies, and I was surprised when they showed up. They snapped at each other all the time. Not big stuff or anything. It was more like kibitzing if you know what I mean.”

  Ivy nodded. “I know what you mean.”

  “Anyway, I thought they were trying to save a marriage when they first showed up,” Tyson said. “I thought they were at the end of their ropes and this was a last-ditch effort that would somehow fail. I was wrong, though.

  “After about forty-eight hours, I realized that their kibitzing was simply how they communicated,” he continued. “They loved one another. They loved sniping at one another, too. At night, though, they were the ones who went to bed earliest ... and it’s not because they wanted twelve hours of sleep.”

  Ivy’s eyebrows flew up her forehead. “How can you possibly know what they were doing in their tent?”

  “They were pretty vocal about it.”

  She flicked her eyes to Jack. “Don’t even think about it,” she warned.

  Jack chuckled. “I don’t need to call attention to my manly endeavors,” he drawled. “I’m perfectly comfortable when you’re the only person who knows how good I am at ... frolicking.”

  Laughter bubbled up and out of Ivy. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “See.” Tyson jabbed a finger at them as he rested his oar across his kayak. “You two know how to talk to each other on multiple levels. You can have fun. You can be serious. You can be romantic. A lot of the time you overlap that stuff. That’s why you’ll have fun on this trip.”

  “That’s the plan,” Jack agreed. “Just out of curiosity, though, how long do we go before we have a break?”

  “Are you getting antsy?” Tyson looked concerned. “You have a big frame. If your legs are cramping from sitting too long, we can stop for a little bit.”

  “I’m fine,” Jack automatically answered. “I’m simply curious. At a certain point, I’m going to need to go to the bathroom.”

  “Oh, we’ll be stopping for lunch in about an hour. Can you hold off until then?”

  “Absolutely.” Jack bobbed his head. “What will we be having for lunch?”

  Ivy worked overtime to keep her face neutral. She should’ve known Jack would bring the food situation up sooner or later.

  “Oh, it’s pretty much the weakest meal we’ll have the entire trip,” Tyson replied. “It’s just sandwiches and potato chips. The food the rest of the way is much better.”

  Jack didn’t look convinced. “Are you grading on a scale?”

  “Just the one my mother instilled in me. She’s the best cook I’ve ever met. If you’re worried about the food, don’t be. That’s one thing they do right on these things, day in and day out. There are never any mistakes. The food is always amazing ... or in the case of the lunch we have packed, edible. I guarantee, starting tonight, you won’t be disappointed.”

  “That’s exactly what I want to hear.”

  4

  Four

  Jack made a groaning sound when they finally landed at the shore and he could heft himself out of the kayak.

  “You sound like an old man,” Ivy noted as she tentatively put her feet in the water. She’d opted for vegan non-leather all-weather shoes for the trip and she wasn’t sorry.

  “I am an old man. You’ve made me an old man.”

  “Because I’m such a firecracker?” She swished her hips, causing him to smile. Her legs felt gangly underneath her, though, and she stumbled forward because her footing wasn’t sound. He caught her before she could face plant in the water.

  “Oh, who else is feeling sore?” he demanded.

  She had a snappy comeback ready for him but instead dissolved into laughter.

  “Oh, you think it’s funny that we’re creaking and groaning, do you?” He made sure she was steady on her feet before he released her. “We haven’t even had kids yet and we’re already old and tired.”

  Ivy shot him a dirty look. “Speak for yourself. I am not old.”

  “You’re the most beautiful person in the world,” Jack reassured her. “That’s never going to change. When we’re a hundred and stuck in rocking chairs on the front porch together — Nicodemus still trying to smother me every night in my sleep — you’ll still be the prettiest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

  Ivy sighed. “That was so romantic.” She threw her arms around his neck.

  He held her tight. “We’re still old. My hip is actually popping.”

  She pulled back far enough to study his face. “Don’t ruin my vibe.”

  He pressed a kiss to her forehead before releasing her. “We’ll see how you feel in a few hours after another ride down the river. Then we’ll talk about your vibe … probably when I’m massaging it.”

  Because she was afraid he might have a point, Ivy decided to change the subject. “Do you want to take a walk around the perimeter with me?”

  “Do you need me to stand guard while you go to the bathroom or something?” He was confused.

  She pointed toward the outhouses to their right. “That’s where we go to the bathroom.”

  He made a face. “Ugh. Are you joking? Outhouses stink.”

  “They’re okay.”

  “No, I mean they literally stink. Have you ever actually used an outhouse?”

  “Um ... a few times. My father took us camping all the time when I was a kid and not all the campgrounds had real plumbing.”

  Jack’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Tell me again about the plumbing in these tents.”

  She let loose an exaggerated sigh. “Our tent isn’t attached to an outhouse. I promise. Don’t start Jack-ing around.”

  He frowned. “That’s not a thing.”

  “Oh, it’s totally a thing.”

  “Then you don’t start Ivy-ing.” His frown
grew more pronounced. “That’s not fair. It’s easier to make comical words with my name than yours.”

  “Yes, but I’m named after a weed that gives you a rash,” she reminded him. “We’ve both got our crosses to bear.”

  “Ha, ha.” He was happy to have his feet on solid ground, away from the water, when they finally made it up the bank. Then he remembered she’d made a request of him. “Why do you want me to walk with you?”

  “Because my legs and back hurt and I need to stretch and I thought we wouldn’t look like such weenies if we walked over there by ourselves and acted like we just wanted to spend some time alone, you know, like romance and stuff. They won’t be able to hear us whining over there.”

  “Oh, good point.”

  They linked hands as they crossed, Jack casting his wife a sidelong look as he watched her lift her chin and soak in the sun. She really did thrive in the outdoors, while he was starting to think he might be an indoor boy ... which was a thought he never would’ve considered before he met his beloved.

  “You’ve got your serious face on,” Ivy noted when he didn’t immediately say anything. “Should I be worried about something?”

  He shook his head. “I was just thinking how beautiful you are.”

  She didn’t bother to hide her eye roll. “You’ve said that twice in five minutes. You don’t have to say it again. You’ve already locked me in.”

  He snorted, genuinely amused. “That’s what I was really thinking.”

  “You might’ve had that thought in the back of your mind, but you were thinking something else.”

  She knew him too well, which nudged out a sigh. “I was thinking that I’m afraid one of our first huge fights once we have kids is going to stem from the fact that you want to take our precious bundle of joy camping and I’m going to insist that we stay inside.”

  Ivy blinked several times in rapid succession. “That’s what you were thinking?”

  He nodded. “I’m afraid I might be an indoor boy, honey.”

  She laughed so hard at the way he delivered the statement that she had to bend over at the waist to catch her breath. “Oh, is it any wonder that I love you?” she said when she straightened, wiping at an errant tear from her cheek. She really was amused beyond belief.

  “I love you, too. It’s a real worry, though.” He leaned closer. “Look at these woods and tell me what you see.”

  She held his gaze a beat longer and then looked over her shoulder, shrugging. “I see beauty. It’s beautiful out here.”

  “Do you want to know what I see?”

  “If you start going off about the outhouses again we’re going to have a problem,” Ivy warned.

  Jack shook his head. “I see danger. Do you know how many times you’ve been chased through the woods? Heck, do you know how many times I’ve had to run through the woods to get to you?”

  “I haven’t really thought about it.”

  “Well, I have. I don’t really have nightmares any longer, but on the rare instances I do, they all involve me running through the woods to get to you.”

  “I didn’t know that.” Ivy rubbed her hand up and down his arm. “Have you tried thinking about one of our happy places to change up the dreams?”

  He was incredulous. “That’s not the point.”

  “I’m afraid I’ve lost track of what the point is.”

  “The point is that the woods are evil.”

  “Oh, that.” Ivy let loose a haphazard wave before bending over and pressing her flat palms to the ground in an effort to stretch her back. “I think that you give the woods a bad rap … and maybe a little too much credit as a sentient power. Just because we’ve had two camping trips that have gone off the rails, that doesn’t mean that the trend will continue.”

  Jack found he was entranced by how flexible she was. Even though he considered himself to be in good shape, when he bent over to mimic her motions, he found he could only skim the tips of his fingers over the ground. “How do you do that?”

  “I stretch a lot,” she said as she straightened and began working out her arms. “I’m being serious, Jack. Two bad camping trips isn’t a pattern. It’s ... a fluke.”

  “It’s not just the camping trips. It’s everything. You’ve been chased by murderous fiends multiple times.” Jack wrinkled his nose when something on the ground caught his attention. “What’s that?” He shifted closer to the trees and hunkered down so he could get a better look at the pattern that had caught his attention.

  “You didn’t find something murderous and evil over there, did you?” Ivy teased. “That will be a record for us if you did. It will be the fastest natural disaster in our general vicinity since we met.”

  “I don’t know what I found.” He gestured toward the muddy spot on the ground. “What sort of animal leaves a print like that?”

  “A print?” He had her full attention now and Ivy stalked over. She was convinced Jack was gearing himself up to make a big deal out of a coyote print or something, but the indentation in the ground was far too big to belong to a little dog. “That’s weird.”

  “Is it a bear print?” Jack’s eyes were wide as he peered deeper into the woods. “I don’t like bears. I once saw a show where a grizzly bear followed a group of campers for twenty miles and started picking them off one by one when their backs were turned. He got a taste for human blood and couldn’t stop himself. It was like rabies ... except a hankering for human blood.”

  That was the most ludicrous thing Ivy had ever heard. “Was it a sci fi movie?”

  “That’s neither here nor there.”

  “Um, yes it is ... and that’s like the craziest plot line ever. A bear only goes after a human if there’s a cub involved. If we see a bear cub, we’re going the other way. That way mommy will have no reason to worry about us.”

  “Yeah, I’m not listening to you.” Jack held his hand in front of Ivy’s face to silence her and glanced around, motioning for Tyson to join him when he saw the guide looking their way.

  “Is there something wrong?” Tyson asked as he jogged over to them. “Are you sick or something?”

  “We’re fine,” Ivy reassured him. “Jack is just an alarmist. He can’t help himself.”

  Jack refused to engage with his wife’s attempt at a dig to silence him. “What kind of print is this?”

  “Hmm?” Tyson focused on the spot Jack indicated. “Wow. What have we got here?”

  “It’s a bear, right?” Jack refused to let it go. “Have you seen that show where the crazy grizzly bear stalks the campers and eats them because he develops a taste for blood? I don’t want that to happen to us.”

  Tyson managed to keep his expression neutral — something Ivy gave him credit for — but it was obvious he was amused by Jack’s bear fascination. “You don’t have to worry about grizzly bears stalking and eating people. That’s not really what they like to do.”

  “I will bet the first person who got eaten by a shark thought the same thing,” Jack argued, adopting a high-pitched voice. “Oh, look at those fish. Aren’t they pretty ... and big? Oh, and what sharp teeth they have. Whoops, there went my leg.”

  The look Tyson shot Ivy told the pink-haired witch all she needed to know. The guide was quickly shifting his opinion of her stalwart detective, and it wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

  “You’ll have to excuse him,” Ivy offered quickly. “He’s not great with outdoorsy stuff. He’s a city boy, who moved to the country, and it’s still all new and grand to him.”

  “There’s nothing grand about having your leg eaten while you’re still aware of what’s going on,” Jack snapped.

  “Just ignore him. He’ll be fine once he’s had time to settle down.”

  Tyson managed a light chuckle before shaking his head. “It’s okay. People get excited about the wildlife up here. The thing is, we don’t actually see a lot of bears. They’re aware that the river is busy during the day and usually only come out at night to fish or swim.”

&nbs
p; “That really doesn’t make me feel better,” Jack said. “They’re still here, whether they’re hunting in the water at night or during the day. I mean ... a tent isn’t going to keep a bear out.”

  “No,” Tyson agreed. “However, there are bells put at the water’s edge to alert us should a bear decide to come in from the water. It’s never happened yet. That should make you feel better.”

  “There’s always a first time for everything.”

  Ivy jabbed a finger toward Jack’s chest. “Don’t be a complainer. We’re going to be fine. All you’re doing right now is working yourself up.”

  “Fine.” Jack threw his hands in the air. “I won’t care about keeping my wife safe or anything. I’ll just throw you in front of me when the bear comes, Ivy. How does that sound?”

  “Like I won’t have to hear you complaining any longer.”

  Perhaps sensing they were about to engage in a real fight, Tyson cleared his throat to get their attention. “This is a useless argument,” he said. “That’s not even a bear print.”

  Jack jerked his eyes away from Ivy. “It’s not? What sort of print is it?”

  “Please say it’s a bird,” Ivy muttered under her breath. “Please say it’s a bird.”

  Tyson’s lips twitched but he managed to keep a straight face ... through considerable effort. “I’m honestly not sure what it is. I know it’s not a bear, though. I’ve seen plenty of bear tracks throughout my years with the company, and that’s most definitely not what we’re looking at.”

  “It has to be something,” Jack insisted.

  “It could be a Sasquatch.”

  Whatever Ivy was expecting, that wasn’t it. She swiveled quickly, her eyebrows practically shooting off her forehead, and fixed Tyson with an incredulous stare. “I’m sorry, but what did you say?”

  Tyson chuckled at her reaction. “It’s not as crazy as you might think. People are up and down this river all the time. Some leave packs behind. Some don’t bury their food refuse as they’re supposed to. Enough people have seen Sasquatch that I lean toward the tribe that believes he’s real.”