Strong Like Me

by Laurel Veil

  She called up to me when I reached the balcony. “The dress I ordered for you arrived from Italy just in time. Ursula was supposed to pick it up from the dry cleaners. It should be hanging in your closet. Oh—and why don’t you wear that silk scarf I got you?”

  My stomach twisted in a knot.

  “You know—the silky lavender one? I looked for it in your closet, but I couldn’t find it. You better not have lost it,” she threatened. “That thing cost me almost five hundred dollars!”

  I closed my bedroom door and headed straight for the shower.

  It wasn’t long before I was out, and long golden ringlets were forming, cascading down my back, almost to my waist.

  I applied my makeup without my reflection deforming or anything moving behind me. I opted to wear a short, sleeveless sequined dress with flashy, rhinestone heels. The dress my mom picked was pretty, but I think she thought I was turning sixty tonight and not sixteen.

  I noticed my phone sitting on my nightstand. I hadn’t taken a photo today and I still didn’t feel like it. I wasn’t in the mood for a party at all. I would rather be sitting with Bear.

  I stepped out on my balcony. The rain had stopped for now. The moon peeked in and out of the clouds that remained. I could already hear music and laughter. Parked cars lined the street and a steady stream of headlights was heading this way. Men in white coats directed the traffic with flashlights. I began to feel anxious. I looked over at the ficus tree and contemplated having a drink and a quick smoke. A vision of my future self popped in my head and I decided against it. I picked up my phone instead and posted Party Time! and headed downstairs.

  My mom was so busy whizzing around, she didn’t even notice me, much less what I was or wasn’t wearing.

  I stepped out back and made my way to the enormous tent.

  I got a couple of wolf whistles, a looking good, Jess, and a few happy birthdays thrown at me. I waved and said thanks and then stepped inside virtually undetected.

  It was definitely an A-list crowd. Everyone was dressed nicely. I recognized everyone, for the most part.

  “Happy birthday.”

  I was surprised to see Tori. Out of habit I looked behind her to see if Amanda was following her.

  “I wasn’t sure you were going to come,” I admitted.

  She smiled. “I wouldn’t have missed it. Everything looks really nice,” she said.

  Just then, Jay stepped through the entrance. He was wearing a coat and tie. He looked so good my heart skipped a beat. I saw him look around the room. Was he searching for me? I hoped.

  “Be back in a sec,” I told Tori. I walked quickly to Jay.

  “Hey,” I said with a giant grin on my face.

  “You look…amazing,” he said.

  “There you are.”

  We both turned at the same time. Ava slipped her hand into Jay’s and wrapped her other arm around his. As if she hadn’t marked her territory enough, she laid her head against his shoulder for a moment.

  “I hope you don’t mind that I brought a date,” she said.

  Before I could answer, a spotlight shined down on me.

  “There she is,” boomed my mother’s voice. She was standing next to the DJ. “Happy Sweet Sixteenth, honey!” The room erupted with cheers. I smiled and waved at no one particular. The entire room was a blur of faces. Jay’s was the only one that stood out, but now I couldn’t bear to look at it. I wanted to disappear.

  A song began thumping and I found Tori as quickly as I could. I pulled her on the dance floor where we could get lost and hidden in the crowd. I was all smiles as I jumped around to the beat of the music. I think I did a pretty good job pretending to be having the time of my life. The entire time, though, I was scouring the room for Jay. I couldn’t believe he had come here with her.

  “I think you’re annoying Ava,” Tori whispered in my ear.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “That guy she’s with keeps looking at you.”

  I got a bad case of butterflies. I discreetly tried to find him and when I did he was looking at me. My knees felt weak, so I looked away.

  A slow song began to play and a boy named Simon asked Tori to dance.

  Ava bumped into me. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see you standing there.”

  What a load. She did it on purpose so that I would see that she was in Jay’s arms. Did Ava hate me enough to hex me? I think so. I know I hated her enough for the both of us.

  I tried to make my way off the dance floor before I felt anymore awkward, but thankfully, a guy named Andrew grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me to him. Andrew was very good-looking and Jay was watching, so I didn’t resist.

  Somehow, I made it through the rest of the party. It was midnight now. Before every guest even left, I changed and went out to see Bear. I carried a blanket with me. I planned on staying the night in the barn. It was so quiet once the last car finally drove away.

  I spread my blanket over a large haystack that was near the barn and looked up into the sky. I could see the stars now. I watched them until I drifted off.

  Footsteps woke me a short while later. I was careful not to make a sound. I watched as a silhouette stepped toward Bear’s stall and extended its arm. Whoever it was, it was feeding Bear an apple.

  “Jay?”

  He flinched. “Jess! You almost gave me a heart attack.”

  I suddenly remembered I was mad at him. “What are you doing here?” I snapped.

  He stepped forward and sat down next to me. “I was worried about you. I was actually hoping I might catch you out here.”

  “Where’s your date?”

  “We rode here in her car with a group of her friends. I told her I didn’t feel good, and she was more than happy to leave me behind. I think they had plans to continue the party somewhere else. I didn’t want to go. I figured I would either walk home or call my cousin to come get me if I couldn’t find you.”

  I visualized them saying goodbye with a kiss, and it made me burn.

  “How can you like someone like Ava anyway? She’s such a b—”

  “I don’t,” he cut me off. “I wanted to come. I wanted to see you. You wouldn’t invite me.”

  I suddenly felt very stupid. “Oh.”

  He removed his jacket and loosened his tie. We looked at the sky together in silence.

  “You never mentioned to anyone what happened with my parents the other night, did you?”

  He shook his head. “Why would I?”

  “I didn’t think you would.”

  “Then why did you ask?”

  I looked down. Why was it so hard to look him in the eye now?

  “You have a hard time trusting people.”

  I turned away from him and he dropped the subject. He didn’t push. I liked that about him.

  Finally he said, “I know it’s your birthday, but I was hoping you would do something for me.”

  “What?” I whispered.

  “I was hoping you would let me be your friend.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. He was sincere, and though I hardly knew him, I felt like he liked me more than anyone I knew. I couldn’t help but wonder if he would, though, if he knew everything about me.

  “I thought about giving you a dream catcher necklace,” he continued, “so that no matter where you fell asleep, it would always be with you.”

  “That’s a good idea.” I smiled.

  “Yeah, but dream catchers are superstitions. What you’re dealing with is real. So, I decided you needed something real to fight back with.” He put his hands behind his neck and unfastened his necklace. He held up a delicate, silver cross.

  “I can’t take your necklace,” I said.

  He reached in his shirt and pulled out another larger cross. “This is mine. I got this”—he motioned to the other necklace—“for you.”

  My heart leaped. “I-I don’t know if I—”

  “You can take it.” He gave me a crooked grin.

  “What I was going
to say is, I don’t know if I can wear it.”

  “Why? Don’t you believe in God?” he asked sadly.

  “Yes. It’s just…I don’t think He likes me anymore.”

  He smiled gently and proceeded to put it around my neck. I lifted my hair and he worked to fasten the clasp. We were so close, I could hear him breathe and it made me nervous. I let my hair down and he touched it.

  “It’s even softer than I thought it would be.” He smiled.

  “Have you been thinking about touching my hair?”

  He nodded and it made me laugh.

  I touched the cross. “It’s after midnight. Today is actually my birthday. Thank you,” I said.

  “Happy birthday.”

  An owl called from somewhere far away.

  “So, are you any closer to figuring out who might be behind what’s been going on with you?”

  “No. But something happened last night.”

  Reluctantly, I told him about my visitor and my glimpse into my grim future. He needed to know so he could run. I wouldn’t blame him if he did.

  “I don’t think the future is set in stone. I think it’s…fluid.”

  “Fluid?”

  “Yeah. You know—always changing because of the choices we make.”

  “That’s what I think, too,” I said, feeling relieved to have someone agree with me. “Like tonight, I was this close”—I held my thumb and my finger an inch apart—“to lighting up and downing a shot, but I didn’t.”

  Jay had a funny look on his face. It made me uncomfortable.

  “Are you judging me?” I asked, afraid what his answer would be.

  “No. I mean, I don’t think so. When I first saw that stuff on your balcony, I was surprised. And, I wished you didn’t do it. I’m glad you didn’t tonight. But why did you feel like you needed to?”

  “I guess I was just trying to calm my nerves.”

  “You were nervous. I didn’t think you ever felt that way.”

  “I was about to walk into a tent filled with hundreds of people.”

  “Who were all there for you.”

  I shook my head. “I used to think that, but not anymore. I don’t really know any of them, and they definitely don’t know me. They only came for what I could give them.”

  “I don’t want anything from you.”

  He reached over and laid his hand next to me with his palm up. He moved it in a way that told me he wanted me to take it.

  My stomach tickled as I reached out and gently touched his hand. His palm was rough and calloused. His hand was much bigger than mine. His fingers spread mine apart as he laced them together. He squeezed tightly, like he was trying to keep me from falling. It was warm and safe.

  “You’re not alone now. Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.” He was looking me in the eye. I knew he meant what he was saying.

  ess. Jess!”

  “Huh?”

  “Wake up!” he whispered forcefully. “I think it’s happening again!”

  As I came to, I realized it was still night. And then I realized how cold I was. I sat up abruptly and looked at the dark, eerie fog that surrounded the haystack.

  “Is this what you were talking about?” asked Jay.

  I nodded. Tears filled my eyes and I began to tremble.

  Jay scooted closer to me and put his arm around me.

  “I won’t leave you,” he said.

  The fog began to stir. It appeared to bubble like boiling water in a cauldron and suddenly, another spirit sprang forth. This one was female too, but it was gray instead of black. She raised her arms. I buried my face in Jay’s shoulder. I didn’t want go. I didn’t want to see what it was she wanted to show me. I was afraid.

  It didn’t matter what I wanted though. She drew my soul to her like a magnet. I didn’t let go of Jay’s hand, though, and his spirit came with mine. He looked back in amazement when he saw our soulless bodies laying in the hay together, still holding hands.

  We looked into each other’s eyes as the spirit’s robes settled around us. We clung to each other just before our stomachs dropped. It was as if we plunged down the shaft of a broken elevator.

  Her robes fell away and we were standing in my English class. I looked at the date on the board; it was a few days ago. I saw myself sitting in my usual spot.

  No one could see us as Jay and I stepped over to my desk. We could hear a low whisper. Someone was talking but we weren’t sure who it was or what he or she was saying. As we stepped closer to where I was sitting, I suddenly realized it was me. We were able to hear my thoughts.

  “Fat…Ichabod Crane…Slut…”

  Jay’s eyes got huge and he looked at me. He had to be thinking I was a terrible person. I was so embarrassed and I hated that he had witnessed this.

  I stepped back and my voice grew quieter so I reached for Jay and pulled him to me.

  “I-I was having a bad day. Sue me.” My past self brushed by us on the way out the door and Jay heard me think something about the teacher.

  “Hey…I had Ms. Jefferson. I really liked her.”

  I gulped. I could feel myself squirming under his scrutiny.

  “You were so worried I was judging you earlier,” he said.

  “Yeah?”

  “I just think that’s a little ironic.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You have got to be the most judgmental person I know.”

  I felt like a hysterical person who just got slapped in the face. He was right.

  “Not everyone is as perfect as you.”

  He wasn’t being sarcastic. “You think I’m perfect?”

  “You’re gorgeous, Jess.”

  “You think I’m pretty?”

  “Oh come on. You act like no one’s ever told you that before.”

  No one had.

  “Jess?”

  Suddenly, the classroom swirled into a blur and we were in my bedroom. Being with him in my bedroom was enough to make me nervous, but then I saw my past self sitting on my bed and I was stuffing chocolate, cookies, chips, and apparently anything else I could find in my face.

  Jay’s mouth was hanging open.

  I smacked him in the chest. “Snap out of it.”

  He looked at me and mouthed, “Damn!”

  My past self went into the bathroom and closed the door. You could hear me gagging myself and throwing up.

  Jay looked at me. I could tell he was no longer smiling. I refused to look at him though. Instead, I turned to the spirit. “Can we go now?”

  We were now in the kitchen. We watched a time-lapse image of me sitting at the bar eating dinner. Though my hair, clothes, and the season outside the window had changed, the one thing that remained constant was that I was always alone.

  The next thing I knew we were standing behind my car. Mr. McKinney was standing beside it holding the keys. My past self stepped out of the kitchen. I was all smiles, and I almost didn’t recognize myself. I knew why I was happy.

  I watched Jay eagerly wait for my reaction when my past self first laid eyes on my car. He was obviously expecting me to be ecstatic, but the smile that had been on my face fell.

  I felt Jay look at me. From the corner of my eye, I could see that his brows were furrowed and that he was questioning my reaction.

  I felt embarrassed as I watched myself step over to the fence and crane my neck, looking at the barn. I stole a quick peek at Jay. He was now grinning. He knew now that I had been disappointed because he wasn’t there and that I was looking to see if he was at the barn.

  His smile faded when he saw the sullen look on my past self as I turned back around. It was as if he suddenly realized that Mr. McKinney was the only one there to celebrate with me. It was the landscaper who had handed me the keys to my first car and wished me a happy birthday.

  We were now inside the tent. It was once again my birthday. I felt uncomfortable as Jay and I watched my past self standing alone. I could tell by the way my past self played with my rings that I wa
s nervous. I hoped Jay wouldn’t figure it out.

  From my new perspective, I noticed things I hadn’t before. I saw my mom working the room. She was like a honeybee hopping from flower to flower as she made small talk with her friends that congregated in a corner of the tent. Ms. Alexandra? I didn’t realize she and my mom were friends. I finally spotted my dad. I was beginning to think he hadn’t come. He was laughing with some men I didn’t recognize, coworkers and future clients no doubt. I saw Reanne and her mom approach him. She wasn’t about to waste an opportunity to talk shop with my dad. It was probably the only reason she came.

  I continued scanning the room when one of the food servers caught my eye. She was standing behind the buffet table. She stopped working and ogled the room. Her hair was pulled back and she was wearing glasses, but she was young. She looked familiar. I stepped closer for a better look. It was Amanda Nichols. Even though she wasn’t invited she still found a way to come. Grr!

  Finally, some guests walked by and wished me happy birthday. I felt a little better, until as they passed, we heard them call me names. They admitted being there for the music and food and then laughed. It happened over and over. I felt so used. I was a fool.

  I began to pity myself and then I got angry. I thought about adding them to my list of frenemies, but I didn’t even know their names.

  My face flushed when I saw my past self perk up. I knew I had spotted Jay and I was heading toward him.

  Jay whispered, “There I am. Whoa, this is such a trip.”

  It was wonderful for a moment, but then Ava showed up. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut all over again.

  Before the spotlight hit my past self, Jay turned to me. He leaned down, pressed his lips to my ear and whispered, “This is how the night should have gone.” A current of electricity shot through me as he took my hand in his and once again laced our fingers together. Though there was no music playing, he pulled me into him like we were dancing.

  I could have lived in this moment for eternity, but the spirit had other plans. We clung tightly to one another as the room began to swirl.

  Our souls crashed into our bodies and we woke with a start. We lay there for a moment, still holding hands.